10 "Suffering Will Make You a Better Communist"
十 “磨难会使你成为真正的共产党员”
——My Mother Falls under Suspicion (1953-1956)
——我母亲受审查(1953—1956年)
My father met us at the station. The air was motionless and oppressive, and my mother and my grandmother were exhausted from the jolting car journey the night before and the burning heat which had blown through the train all the way. We were taken to a guesthouse belonging to the Sichuan provincial government, which was to be our temporary lodging. My mother's transfer had happened so quickly that she had not been assigned a job, and there had been no time to make proper arrangements about a place for us to live.
我父亲到车站接我们。天气闷热，一点风也没有，叫人喘不过气来。我母亲和姥姥从凌晨起就乘汽车、火车一路颠簸过来，现在已筋疲力尽了。我们被带到四川省委的一个招待所临时住下。我母亲走得仓促，新工作还没安排好，也没来得及找到住处。
Chengdu was the capital of Sichuan, which was the most populous province in China, with some sixty-five million people then. It was a large city, with a population of over half a million, and had been founded in the fifth century BC. Marco Polo visited it in the thirteenth century and was enormously impressed by its prosperity. It was laid out on the same plan as Peking, with ancient palaces and major gates all on a north-south axis which divided the city neatly into two parts, western and eastern. By 1953 it had outgrown its original neat plan and was divided into three administrative districts eastern, western, and the outskirts.
成都是四川省省会。四川省当时有六千五百万人——是中国人口最多的省份。成都是个拥有五十万人的大城市，始建于公元前五世纪，十三世纪马可波罗曾访问过这里，对它的繁荣景象赞叹不已。城内规划和北京相似，古老的宫殿位于南北向的中轴线上，把全城一分为二：西城区和东城区。1953年时，城市发展早已超出旧城范围，变成三个行政区：东城区、西城区和郊区。
Within a few weeks of arriving my mother was given a job. My father was consulted about it, but, in the good' old tradition of China, not my mother herself. My father said anything would do, as long as she was not working directly under him, so she was made head of the Public Affairs Department for the Eastern District of the city. As one's work unit was responsible for one's accommodations, she was assigned rooms which belonged to her department, in a traditional courtyard. We moved into these rooms, while my father stayed on in his office suite.
我母亲到成都几个星期后分配到了新工作。领导问了我父亲的意见，而没有问她，这在当时是天经地义的。我父亲说任何单位都可以，只要她不直接在他手底下工作，于是就让她担任东城区宣传部部长。因为住处由单位安排，东城区委在一个典型的旧式庭院里给了她三间房，我们都搬了进来，我父亲仍住在他的办公室里。
Our living quarters were in the same compound as the Eastern District administration. Government offices were mostly housed in large mansions which had been confiscated from Kuomintang officials and wealthy landlords. All government employees, even senior officials, lived at their office. They were not allowed to cook at home, and all ate in canteens. The canteen was also where everyone got their boiled water, which was fetched in thermos flasks.
我们的住处就在区委办公大院里。政府机关宅院大都是从国民党政府、官员和地主那里没收来的。办公室就是工作人员的家，老干部也一样。没人自己烧饭，大家都在食堂吃。食堂也供开水、热水，用保温瓶装走。
Saturday was the only day married couples were allowed to spend together. Among officials, the euphemism for making love was 'spending a Saturday." Gradually, this regimented life-style relaxed a bit and married couples were able to spend more time together, but almost all still lived and spent most of their time in their office compounds.
星期六是已婚夫妇唯一可以住在一起的一天，“过星期六”就成了干部们做爱的委婉说法。后来这种军事化生活渐渐放松了，夫妇能在一起的时间多了，但几乎所有的人仍住在他们的办公处。
My mother's depariment ran a very broad field of activities, including primary education, health, entertainment, and sounding out public opinion. At the age of twenty-two, my mother was in charge of all these activities for about a quarter of a million people. She was so busy we hardly ever saw her. The government wanted to establish a monopoly (known as 'unified purchasing and marketing') over trade in the basic commodities grain, cotton, edible o'fi, and meat. The idea was to get the peasants to sell these exclusively to the government, which would then ration them out to the urban population and to parts of the countrx where they were in short supply.
我母亲的宣传部管理的范围很广，包括初等教育、卫生、娱乐和查访民意。我母亲以二十二岁之龄就负责约二十五万人的所有这些事项，她一天到晚在外面忙，我们难得见到她。1954年，政府对基本生活必需品如粮食、棉花、食用油和肉类等实行“统购统销”，不准自由买卖，农民都得卖给政府，由政府定量配给城市人口，并拨给短缺的其他农村。
When the Chinese Communist Party launched a new policy, they accompanied it with a propaganda drive to help put the new policy across. It was part of my mother's job to try to convince people that the change was for the good.
共产党每发布一项新政策，总四处宣传，要民众支持。我母亲的工作之一就是告诉人们“统购统销”政策怎么好：
The core of the message this time was that China had a huge population and that the problem of feeding and clothing it had never been solved; now the government wanted to make sure the basic necessities were fairly distributed and that nobody starved while others hoarded grain or other essentials. My mother set about her job with gusto, rushing around on her bicycle, talking at endless meetings every day, even when she was in the last months of pregnancy with her fourth child. She enjoyed her work, and believed in it.
中国人口众多，衣食问题从来没有解决过，现在新政府公平分配基本生活用品，不再由一些人囤积居奇，而使另一些人挨饿。我母亲全心全意相信这种理论。她整天骑着自行车东跑西走，参加、主持数不清的会议，甚至在怀第四胎的最后几个月也是如此。
She only went into the hospital at the last minute to have her next child, a son, who was born on 15 September 1954.
她在临产最后一刻才到医院。1954年9月15日，第二个儿子出世了。
It was a dangerous delivery again. The doctor was getting ready to go home when my mother stopped him. She was bleeding abnormally, and knew there was something wrong. She insisted on the doctor staying and giving her a checkup. A fragment of her placenta was missing. Finding it was considered a major operation, so the doctor had her placed under a general anesthetic and searched her womb again. They found the fragment, which probably saved her life.
这又是一次危险的分娩，她异常出血，经验说明必定是哪里出了差错。当医生忙着下班回家时，她叫住了他们，坚持要他们留下来给她作仔细检查。结果发现她的胎盘产出不全，还有部分留在子宫里。医生马上给她全身麻醉，清查宫腔，终于找到这块碎片，这可算救了她一命。
My father was in the countryside trying to galvanize support for the state monopoly program. He had just been upgraded to Grade 10 and promoted to deputy director of the Public Affairs Department for the whole of Sichuan.
我姥姥当时在锦州，因为她的母亲病重。我父亲一直呆在农村，鼓动民众支持政府的“统购统销”政策。他已被提升到十级，并任四川省委宣传部副部长。
One of its major functions was to keep a running check on public opinion: How did the people feel about a particular policy? What complaints did they have? Since peasants formed the overwhelming majority of the population, he was often in the countryside finding out their views and feelings. Like my mother, he believed passionately in his work, which was to keep the Party and the government in touch with the people.
宣传部主要作用之一是密切观察民意：民众对一项特别的政策有何感觉？有什么不满？因为农民占了人口的大多数，所以我父亲经常下乡。他和我母亲一样，热爱他的工作，认为这样可使党和政府时时和人民保持接触。
On the seventh day after my mother gave birth, one of his colleagues sent a car to the hospital to bring her home.
母亲生产后的第七天，父亲的一位同事派了一辆小汽车把她从医院接回家。
It was accepted that, if the husband was away, the Party organization was responsible for taking care of his wife.
这是大家习以为常的事，丈夫外出，党组织负责照料他的妻子。
My mother gratefully accepted the lift, as 'home' was half an hour's walk away. When my father came back a few days later, he reprimanded his colleague. The rules stipulated that my mother could ride in an official car only when my father was in it. Using a car when he was not there would be seen as nepotism, he said. My father's colleague said he had authorized the car because my mother had just been through a serious operation which had left her extremely weak. But a rule is a rule, replied my father. My mother found it hard to take this puritanical rigidity once again. This was the second time my father had attacked her immediately after a difficult birth. Why was he not there to take her home, she asked, so they would not have to break the rules? He had been tied up with his work, he said, which was important. My mother understood his dedication she was dedicated herself. But she was also bitterly disappointed.
我母亲很高兴能乘车回家，因为走路得花半个多小时。我父亲几天后才从农村回来，得知她乘车之事，大发脾气，责备他的同事违反规定。按规定，妻子只能在与丈夫同行时，才可以坐公家的轿车。我父亲的同事强调这是特殊情况，调车是因为她刚生产，又做过手术。我父亲说，那也不能违反规定。我母亲再次觉得无法忍受他这种僵硬的态度，这是第二次我父亲在她难产后指责她了。她问他为什么没有及时到城把她接回？这样不就不会违反规定了吗？我父亲说他有要紧的工作亟等处理，我母亲理解他的献身精神，她自己也是这样在奉献，但是她仍觉得有满腹怨言。
Two days after he was born my new brother, Xiao-bei, developed eczema. My mother thought this was because she had not eaten any boiled green olives during the summer, when she was too busy working. The Chinese believe that olives get rid of body heat that otherwise comes out in heat bumps. For several months Xiao-her's hands had to be tied to the railings of his cot to prevent him from scratching himself. When he was six months old he was sent to a dermatology hospital. At this point my grandmother had to rush to Jinzhou as her mother was ill.
小黑出生两天后就患上湿疹。我母亲说这是因整个夏天她都没吃到青果的缘故，她太忙于工作了。中国人相信青果能清热，否则孕妇体内的热就会聚集在胎儿身上引起疾病。有好几个月小黑的手都得绑在他的小床栏杆上，防止他不耐奇痒抓伤自己，半年后，他被送到一家皮肤病医院。
Xiao-her's nurse was a country girl from Yibin, with luxuriant long black hair and flirtatious eyes. She had accidentally killed her own baby she had been breast-t~eding it lying down, had fallen asleep, and had smothered it. She had gone to see my aunt Jun-ying via a family connection and begged her to give her a recommendation to my family.
小黑的奶妈是来自宜宾的乡下姑娘，有一头美丽的长发，一双水汪汪的眼睛。她曾意外造成自己的婴儿死亡，当时她躺着喂奶，不慎睡着了，婴儿窒息而死。
She wanted to go to a big city and have fun. My aunt gave her a reference, in spite of the opposition of some local women who said she only wanted to get to Chengdu to be rid of her husband. Jun-ying, though unmarried, was far from being jealous of other people's pleasure, especially sexual pleasure; in fact, she was always delighted for them.
她一心想到成都这个大城市来玩，就托人介绍去见我的俊英娘娘，恳求把她介绍到我家做事。当地一些妇女劝说俊英娘娘不要管她的事，说这女孩子到成都是为了脱离她的丈夫。但我娘娘是个极善良的人，仍为她介绍。我娘娘尽管没有结过婚，却总是愿天下人生活幸福，对别人的弱点充满理解和宽容，从不批评指责。
She was full of understanding and tolerant of human foibles, and quite un judgmental
Within a few months the nurse was alleged to be having an affair with an undertaker in the compound. My parents considered such things private matters, and turned a blind eye.
几个月后，传闻这位奶妈和机关大院的一个勤务工关系暧昧。我父母认为这是他人私事，也就睁一支眼闭一支眼。
When my brother went into the skin hospital, the wet nurse went with him. The Communists had largely eliminated venereal disease, but there were still some VD patients in one of the wards, and one day the wet-nurse was spotted in bed with a patient in that ward. The hospital told my mother and suggested it would be unsafe for the nurse to continue breast-feeding Xiao-her. My mother asked her to leave. After that, Xiao-her was cared for by my wet-nurse and the wet-nurse who looked after my other brother, Jin-ming, who had now joined us from Yibin.
小黑去皮肤病医院时，奶妈也和他同去。当时共产党已大致消减了性病，但仍有一些人在接受治疗，住在皮肤病医院专门的病房里。不久，院方发现这位奶妈与一位性病病人同床，就告诉我母亲，说让她继续给小黑喂奶很不安全，我母亲只好辞了她。此后，小黑由我的奶妈和大弟京明的奶妈共同照料，京明此时已从宜宾来成都。
At the end of 1954 Jin-ming's nurse had written to my mother saying she would like to come and live with us, as she had been having trouble with her husband, who had become a heavy drinker and was beating her up. My mother had not seen Jin-ming for eighteen months, since he was a month old. But his arrival was terribly distressing.
1954年底，京明的奶妈写信给我母亲说，她丈夫成了酒鬼，经常打她，她想来成都。我母亲自京明满月后，已有18个月没见到他了。他来后很长一段时间都不让我母亲接近，只叫他奶妈“妈妈”，这令我母亲十分伤心。
For a long time he would not let her touch him, and the only person he would call "Mother' was his nurse.
My father also found it difficult to strike up a close relationship with Jin-ming, but he was very close to me.
我父亲也很难接近京明，但却和我十分亲密。
He would crawl on the floor and let me ride on his back. Usually he put some flowers in his collar for me to smell. If he forgot, I would point at the garden and make commanding noises, indicating that some should be brought instantly.
他常趴在地板上让我拿他当马骑，还常常放一些花在衣领上让我闻，如果他忘记了，我就会指着花园命令他立即弄些来。
He would often kiss me on the cheek. Once, when he had not shaved, I wrinkled up my face and complained, "Old beard, old beard!" at the top of my voice. I called him Old Beard (/ao hu-zO for months. He kissed me more gingerly after that. I loved to toddle in and out of offices and play with the officials. I used to chase after them and call them by special names I invented for them, and recite nursery rhymes to them. Before I was three I was known as "Little Diplomat."
他经常亲我的脸蛋。一次，他没刮脸，我皱眉大喊：“老胡子！老胡子！”有好几个月，我一直都叫他“老胡子”。从此他亲我时，就特别小心翼翼了。我喜爱一颠一颠地到处跑，在各办公室串来串去，追在干部后边叫我给他们取的绰号，要他们听我背童谣。不到三岁时，大家都叫我“小外交家”。我想干部们喜欢我是因为我的稚气使他们得到片刻休息与乐趣。
I think my popularity was really due to the fact that the officials welcomed a break and a bit of fun, which I provided with my childish chattiness. I was very plump, too, and they all liked sitting me on their laps and pinching and squeezing me.
我小时长得胖嘟嘟的，大家都喜欢把我抱在膝盖上捏我、搂我。
When I was a little over three years old my siblings and I were all sent away to different boarding nurseries. I could not understand why I was being taken away from home, and kicked and tore the ribbon in my hair in protest. In the nursery I deliberately created trouble for the teachers and used to pour my milk into my desk every day, following it with my cod-liver-oil capsules. We had to take a long siesta after lunch, during which I would tell frightening stories, which I had made up, to the other children in the big dormitory. I was soon found out and punished by being made to sit on the doorstep.
当我刚过三岁时，我和姐姐、弟弟们被分送到不同的寄宿托儿所。我不明白为什么要把我从家里带走，又闹又哭，两脚乱踢，把头发上的蝴蝶结也撕开了以示抗议。在托儿所里，我故意给教师制造麻烦，把牛奶倒在抽屉里，鱼肝油胶囊也捏破了扔进去。午饭后得睡午觉，我就给大房间里的其他孩子讲自己编造的恐怖故事。教师发现后，罚我坐门坎。
The reason we were in the nurseries was that there was no one to look after us. One day in July 1955, my mother and the 800 employees in the Eastern District were all told they had to stay on the premises until further notice. A new political campaign had started this time to uncover 'hidden counterrevolution ari? Everyone was to be thoroughly checked.
我们被送到托儿所是因为没人照看我们了。1955年7月的一天，我母亲和东城区的几百名职工、干部接到通知：不许出机关大门一步。一场新的政治运动开始了——“内部肃反”，即“肃清暗藏在革命队伍内部的反革命分子”，每个人都要被彻底审查。
My mother and her colleagues accepted the order with out question. They had been leading a regimented life anyway. Besides, it seemed natural for the Party to want to check on its members in order to ensure that the new society was stable. Like most of her comrades, my mother's desire to devote herself to the cause overrode any wish to grumble about the strictness of the measure.
我母亲和她的同事毫无怨言地接受了。反正他们平常也少出门。大家也觉得为了新社会的稳定，共产党要检查成员是件很自然的事。我母亲和其他同事一样，对共产主义的奉献精神使她对严厉的纪律并无丝毫不满。
After a week, almost all her colleagues were cleared and allowed to go out freely. My mother was one of the few exceptions. She was told that certain things in her past were not yet clarified. She had to move out of her own bedroom and sleep in a room in a different part of the office building. Before that she was allowed a few days at home to make arrangements for her family as, she was told, she might be confined for quite a long time.
一个星期之后，几乎所有同事都清查完毕，自由了，我母亲是极少数的例外。党组织告诉她，她的过去有若干问题不清楚，需进一步审查。她得搬出她的寝室，到办公楼内的另一间房子里。在这之前，她获准回家几天安排家务，因为她可能会被隔离相当长的时间。
The new campaign had been triggered by Mao's reaction to the behavior of some Communist writers, notably the prominent author Hu Feng. They did not necessarily disagree with Mao ideologically, but they betrayed an element of independence and an ability to think for themselves which he found unacceptable. He feared that any independent thinking might lead to less than total obedience to him. He insisted that the new China had to act and think as one, and that stringent measures were needed to hold the country together, or it might disintegrate. He had a number of leading writers arrested and labeled them a 'counterrevolutionary conspiracy," a terrifying accusation, as 'counterrevolutionary' activity carried the harshest punishment, including the death sentence.
This signaled the beginning of the end of individual expression in China. All the media had been taken over by the Party when the Communists came to power. From now on it was the minds of the entire nation that were placed under ever tighter control.
Mao asserted that the people he was looking for were 'spies for the imperialist countries and the Kuomintang, Trotskyists, ex-Kuomintang officers, and traitors among the Communists." He claimed that they were working for a comeback by the Kuomintang and the "US imperialists," who were refusing to recognize Peking and were surrounding China with a ring of hostility. Whereas the earlier campaign to suppress counterrevolution ari in which my mother's friend Hui-ge had been executed, had been directed at actual Kuomintang people, the targets now were people in the Party, or working in the government, who had Kuomintang connections in their backgrounds.
毛泽东说他所清查的人“或是帝国主义国民党的特务，或是托洛斯基分子，或是反动军官，或是共产党的叛徒”。这些人为国民党复辟，为美帝效劳(美国此时不承认大陆中国，并加以封锁)。处决我母亲的朋友汲上校的“镇反运动”直接打击的是国民党的人，而现在“肃反”的目标则指向共产党政府内，只要背景跟国民党有一点关系的，就得受审查。
Compiling detailed files on people's backgrounds had been a crucial part of the Communists' system of control even before they came to power. The files on Party members were kept by the Organization Deparunent of the Party. The dossier on anyone working for the state who was not a Party member was assembled by the authorities in their work unit and kept by its personnel management.
共产党对每个人的过去底细都已摸得一清二楚，他们早在掌权前就建立了详细的档案制度，党员的档案由组织部填写。非党员的公职人员档案由他们单位的领导整理，并由人事部门保存。
Every year a report was written about every employee by their boss, and this was put into their file. No one was allowed to read their own file, and only specially authorized people could read other people's.
每年领导们都要针对每个下属写一份报告，放进他们档案。任何人都不准看自己的档案，只有特别指派的人才能看别人的档案。
To be targeted in this new campaign it was enough to have some sort of Kuomintang connection in one's past, however tenuous or vague. The investigations were carried out by work teams made up of officials who were known to have no Kuomintang connections. My mother became a prime suspect. Our nurses also became targets because of their family ties.
只要档案里写着你过去与国民党有关联，无论这种关系是多么薄弱，你就成了肃反运动的目标，由工作组审查。我母亲是重点怀疑对象，我们的奶妈也各因她们家人的问题而被卷了进去。
There was a work team responsible for investigating the servants and staff of the provincial government- chauffeurs, gardeners, maids, cooks, and caretakers. My nurse's husband was in jail for gambling and smuggling opium, which made her an 'undesirable." Jin-ming's nurse had married into a landlord's family and her husband had been a minor Kuomintang official. Because wet-nurses were not in positions of importance, the Party did not delve into their cases very vigorously. But they had to stop working for our family.
有一个工作组专门调查省组机关内的公务员——司机、花匠、保姆、厨师等。我奶妈的丈夫因赌博和贩毒而关在牢里，这使她“有了问题”，京明的奶妈因嫁到一个地主家，她的丈夫以前是一位国民党小官吏，于是她也成了不受欢迎的人。奶妈的地位无足轻重，共产党对她们的案情也兴趣不大，但是，她们得离开省委机关。
My mother was informed of this when she was home My Mother Falls under Suspia'on ztI briefly before her detention. When she broke the news to the two nurses, they were distraught. They loved Jin-ming and me. My nurse was also worried about losing her income if she had to go back to Yibin, so my mother wrote to the governor there asking him to find her a job, which he did. She went to work on a tea plantation and was able to take her young daughter to live with her.
我母亲是在被隔离审查前，获准短暂回家安排家务时，被告知我们的奶妈必须走的。当她把这项消息转告给两位奶妈时，她们声泪俱下，她们非常喜爱京明和我。我奶妈还担心从此失去收入，于是我母亲给宜宾专员写了封信，请他帮她找一份工作。结果我的奶妈被安排去一家茶场，带着她女儿一起生活。
Jin-ming's nurse did not want to go back to her husband.
She had acquired a new boyfriend, a caretaker in Chengdu, and wanted to marry him. In floods of tears, she begged my mother to help her get a divorce so she could marry him. Divorce was exceedingly difficult, but she knew that a word from my parents, particularly my father, could assist greatly. My mother liked the nurse very much and wanted to help her. If she could get a divorce and marry the caretaker she would automatically move from the 'landlord' category into the working class and then she would not have to leave my family after all. My mother talked to my father, but he was against it: "How can you arrange a divorce? People would say the Communists were breaking up families."
京明的奶妈不想回到她丈夫身边，她在机关里交了一位男朋友，是一名公务员，她想和他结婚，泪眼汪汪地苦求我母亲帮她离婚。离婚在当时是非常困难的，但她清楚，我父母(特别是我父亲)说的话很顶用。我母亲决心帮她。如果她能离婚，与那位公务员结婚，那就自动从地主成份变成“工人阶级”，没必要离开我家了。我母亲于是跟我父亲商量，但他坚决反对，“你还想管人家离婚？亏你想得出来！老百姓会说，共产党拆散人家美满夫妇。”我母亲说：“那我们的孩子怎么办？谁来照看他们？”我父亲的回答很简单——送他们去托儿所。
"But what about our children?" my mother said.
"Who will look after them if the nurses both have to go?" My father had an answer to that, too: "Send them to nurseries."
When my mother told Jin-ming's nurse that she would have to leave, she almost collapsed. Jin-ming's first ever memory is of her departure. One evening at dusk someone carried him to the front door. His nurse was standing there, wearing a countrywoman's outfit, a plain top with cotton butterfly buttons on the side, and carrying a cotton bundle.
当我母亲告诉京明的奶妈她不得不走时，她悲痛欲绝。京明幼儿时代最深刻的记忆就是送他妈奶离开。这是一个昏暗的黄昏，他被抱出前门，他的奶妈也站在那里，穿着一件农村妇女的罩衫，手里提着一个布包裹。
He wanted her to take him in her arms, but she stood just out of reach as he stretched out his hands toward her.
京明张开手臂哭着要她抱，但她站在他够不到的地方，眼泪顺着脸颊往下淌。
Tears were streaming down her face. Then she walked down the steps toward the gate on the far side of the courtyard. Someone he did not know was with her. She was about to pass through the gate when she stopped and turned around. He screamed and bawled and kicked, but he was not carried any nearer. She stood for a long time framed in the arch of the courtyard gate, gazing at him.
然后，她走下台阶朝小院的门走去，一个京明没见过的人和她在一起。她走到院门口，停了下来，转过身。京明又哭又叫又踢，但没人把他抱近一步。
Then she turned quickly and disappeared. Jin-ming never saw her again.
她站在那里望了京明很久才转身消失在门边。京明以后再没见过她。
My grandmother was still in Manchuria. My great grandmother had just died of tuberculosis. Before being 'confined to barracks," my mother had to pack us four children off to nurseries. Because it was so sudden, none of the municipal nurseries could take more than one of us, so we had to be split up among four different institutions.
因为我的外曾祖父母患肺结核病刚去世，我姥姥此时仍在东北，我母亲只得把四个孩子都送进托儿所。因为事发突然，市内托儿所都只能收一个，所以她不得不分送我们去四家托儿所。
As my mother was leaving for detention, my father advised her: "Be completely honest with the Party, and have complete trust in it. It will give you the right verdict."
母亲离家时，我父亲对她叮嘱道：对党要忠诚老实，相信党会作出正确的结论。我母亲顿觉一阵委屈，她本想父亲会说些温柔、体贴的话来安慰她。
A wave of aversion swept over her. She wanted something warmer and more personal. Still feeling resentful against my father, she reported one steamy summer day for her second bout of detention this time under her own Party.
我母亲满腹怨气，在一个潮湿闷热的上午去报到，接受“隔离审查”——她自己的党审查她。
Being under investigation did not in itself carry the stigma of guilt. It just meant there were things in one's background which had to be cleared up. Still, she was grieved to be subjected to such a humiliating experience after all her sacrifices and her manifest loyalty to the Communist cause. But part of her was full of optimism that the dark cloud of suspicion which had been hanging over her for almost seven years would finally be swept away forever.
审查并不是耻辱，被审查的人也不一定是“反革命”。它只意味某个人的背景有待清查。但我母亲完全没想到她会成了重点审查对象。她觉得很伤心，自己对党一片忠心，仍得不到信任。想来想去，她又告诉自己该乐观点，笼罩在她身上七年的疑云这次将会彻底扫除了。
She had nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide. She was a devoted Communist and she felt sure the Party would recognize this.
她自信没有做过对不起共产党的事，没有任何问题要隐瞒。她是个忠实的共产党人，确信党会了解一这点。
A special team of three people was put together to investigate her. The head of it was a Mr. Kuang, who was in charge of Public Affairs for the city of Chengdu, which meant he was below my father and above my mother. His family knew my family well. Now, though he was still kindly to my mother, his attitude was more formal and reserved.
审查小组有三人，组长姓匡，是成都市党委主管书记。他家和我家很熟，现在他对我母亲虽然仍然客气，但态度严肃多了。
Like other detainees, my mother was assigned various women 'companions' who followed her everywhere, even to the toilet, and slept in the same bed with her. She was told that this was for her protection. She understood implicitly that she was being 'protected' from committing suicide, or trying to collude with anyone else.
像其他受审者一样，我母亲被指定了“陪伴”。她们处处跟着她，连上厕所也跟，还和她同睡一张大床。党说这是为了保护她，我母亲心里明白这是防止她自杀、逃跑，或与他人串供。
Several women rotated in shifts as her companion. One of them was relieved of her duties because she had to go into detention herself to be investigated. Each companion had to file a report on my mother every day. They were all people my mother knew because they worked in the district offices, though not in her department. They were friendly and, except for the lack of freedom, my mother was treated well.
几位女陪伴轮流值班。她们之中有一位不久离去，因为她自己也被送到隔离审查了。每天，陪伴必须把我母亲的行为、言语记录下来，写报告。她们其实都是她认识的人，虽然不在同一个部门，但都在同一个区委大院里工作。她们对她都很友好。除了失去自由外，我母亲过得还好。
The interrogators, plus her companion, conducted the sessions like friendly conversations, although the subject of these conversations was extremely unpleasant. The presumption was not exactly of guilt, but it was not of innocence, either. And because there were no proper legal procedures, there was little opportunity to defend oneself against insinuations.
专案组成员及那些陪伴找她谈话时都很和气，当然谈的都是不愉快的话题。虽然出发点并没认定你有罪，但也不是认为你无罪，当时没有西方国家那一套司法程序，被审查者一上来就像矮了一截。
My mother's file contained detailed reports about every stage of her life as a student working for the underground, in the Women's Federation in Jinzhou, and at her jobs in Yibin. These had been written by her bosses at the time. The first issue that came up was her release from prison under the Kuomintang in 1948. How had her family been able to get her out, considering that her offense had been so serious? She had not even been tortured!? Could the arrest actually have been a hoax, designed to establish her credentials with the Communists so that she could worm her way into a trusted position as an agent for the Kuomintang?
我母亲的档案里详载了她过去各种经历，如地下党，在锦州妇联，到宜宾工作等等，还有她的领导们写的各种报告。专案组首先提出，为什么她在1948年能从国民党监狱里轻易出来？她甚至没有受过刑。可不可能逮捕她就是个骗局，以赢得共产党的信任，渗透到共产党内，当国民党的特务？
Then there was her friendship with Hui-ge. It became obvious that her bosses in the Women's Federation in Jinzhou had put disparaging comments into her file about this. Since Hui-ge had been trying to buy insurance from the Communists through her, they alleged, was she not perhaps trying to acquire similar insurance from the Kuomintang in case it won?
其次怀疑的是她与汲上校的关系。既然汲上校曾试图透过她向共产党买条生路，她难道没有企图从国民党那边获得类似的保障吗(如果国民党打赢的话)？
The same question was asked about her Kuomintang suitors. Did she not encourage them as insurance for herself? And then back to the same grave suspicion: Had any of them instructed her to lie low inside the Communist Party and work for the Kuomintang?
还有那些追求她的国民党官员，难道她没有鼓励这些人，以便在国民党那儿留条后路吗？查到后来，最主要的问题仍是：是否他们有人指示她潜伏在共产党内为国民党工作？
My mother was put in the impossible position of having to prove her innocence. All the people she was being asked about either had been executed or were in Taiwan, or she did not know where. In any case, they were Kuomintang people and their word was not going to be trusted. How can I convince you? she sometimes thought with exasperation, as she went over the same incidents again and again.
我母亲得证明自己的清白，但她办不到这点。跟他有关的人不是已被处死就是逃到台湾去了，或者她根本就不知道人家在哪儿。而且所有的证人几乎都是民国党，他们的话能信吗？当她再三被盘问相同的问题时，她觉得说不出的焦虑，心想，“我怎么说才能使你们相信呢？”
She was also asked about her uncles' Kuomintang connections, and about her relationship with every one of her school friends who, as teenagers, had joined the Kuomintang's Youth League in the period before the Communists took Jinzhou. The guidelines for the campaign classified anyone who had been appointed a branch chief of the Kuomintang Youth League after the Japanese surrender as a 'counterrevolutionary." My mother tried to argue that Manchuria was a special case: the Kuomintang had been seen as representing China, the motherland, after the Japanese occupation. Mao himself had been a senior official in the Kuomintang once, though she did not mention this.
她还被问到她的国民党亲戚，以及在锦州学生时代的朋友。这些朋友当时才十几岁，共产党占领锦州前加入了国民党的三青团。这时共产党中央文件把所有的日本人投降后担任过国民党三青团分队长以上的人都划为“反革命分子”。我母亲解释说，东北情况特殊，日本人投降后，国民党被看成是代表祖国的党。但这都没用，她的这些旧朋友现在都成了“反革命分子”。我母亲没参加过国民党，但专案组老问她，“为什么你会有这么多国民党关系？”
Besides, her friends had switched their allegiance to the Communists within a couple of years. But she was told that these old friends of hers were now all designated counterrevolution ari? My mother did not belong to any condemned category, but she was asked the impossible question: Why was it that you had so many connections with Kuomintang people?
She was kept in detention for six months. During this period she had to attend several mass rallies at which 'enemy agents' were paraded, denounced, sentenced, handcuffed, and led away to prison amidst thunderous shouting of slogans and raising of fists by tens of thousands of people. There were also counterrevolution ari who had 'confessed' and therefore been given 'lenient punishment which meant not being sent to prison. Among these was a friend of my mother's. After the rally she committed suicide because, under interrogation, in despair, she had made a false confession. Seven years later the Party acknowledged that she had been innocent all along.
她被隔离审查了六个月。有好几次，她被带去参加斗争“反革命分子”的群众大会。成千上万人举着拳头，喊着震耳欲聋的口号。“反革命分子”必须站在台上，受批判，然后当场宣布判决，带上手铐，押往监狱。也有些“反革命分子”由于已经“坦白认罪”，会上宣布给他们“宽大处理”，也就是说不进监狱了。这些人中有一个我母亲认识，在一次群众大会后她自杀了。不断审讯使她精神崩溃，绝望之余，她被迫认了莫须有的罪名。七年之后，共产党承认她是清白无辜的。
My mother was taken to these rallies 'to receive a lesson."
要我母亲参加这些大会是要她“受教育”。
But, being a strong character, she was not crushed by fear, like so many, or confused by the deceptive logic and coaxing of the interrogations. She kept a clear head and wrote the story of her life truthfully.
但她个性坚强，没有像许多人那样被吓住，也没有被审讯时的诱供弄昏了头。她一直保持清醒，真实地写下她的经历。
There were long nights when she lay awake, unable to stifle her bitterness at her unfair treatment. As she listened to the whining mosquitoes outside the net over her bed in the airless heat of the summer, then the autumn rain pattering on the window, and the damp silence of winter, she chewed over the unfairness of the suspicions against her particularly the doubts about her arrest by the Kuomintang. She was proud of the way she had behaved then, and had never dreamed it would become the reason for her becoming alienated from the revolution.
在那些难以入睡的长夜里，她一想到被平白无故地关在这儿，就痛苦不堪。温热的夏夜，她躺在床上听着蚊帐外蚊子的嗡嗡声，秋天好不容易来了，雨又下个没完没了，后来便是寂静而寒冷的冬夜。她反复咀嚼着对她不公正的怀疑，特别是那段遭国民党逮捕的历史，她一向引以自豪，做梦也没想到达竟会成了个污点。
But then she began to persuade herself that she should not resent the Party for trying to maintain its purity. In China, one was accustomed to a certain amount of injustice. Now, at least, it was for a worthy cause. She also repeated to herself the Party's words when it demanded sacrifice from its members: "You are going through a test, and she contemplated the possibility of being classified as a 'counterrevolutionary." If that happened, her children would also be contaminated, and our entire lives ruined.
但她努力说服自己，不能怨恨党，党是为了维护自身的纯洁。在中国，不公平待遇历来是家常便饭，现在至少是情有可原。她还反复在心里念着党对成员所要求的话：“你在经受考验，磨难会使你成为真正的共产党员。”她思索着被定为“反革命分子”的可能性。如果真变成这样，她的孩子就将会受到株连，他们的一生就毁了。
The only way she could avoid this would be to divorce my father and 'disown' herself as our mother. At night, thinking about these grim prospects, she learned not to shed tears. She could not even toss and turn, as her 'companion' was sleeping in the bed with her, and no matter how friendly they were, they had to report every scrap of information about how she behaved. Tears would be interpreted as meaning she was feeling wounded by the Party or losing confidence in it. Both were unacceptable, and could have a negative effect on the final verdict.
为避免这一个后果，唯一办法就是和我父亲离婚，不再见孩子了。每想到这儿，她就想流泪，但她已学会把眼泪往肚里吞。她甚至不能在床上辗转太多，因为“陪伴”就睡在身边，她们不论对她有多友好，还是必须对她的每个表现作汇报。流泪表示她感到了党的伤害或对党失去信心，这两者党都不喜欢，会对最后定案产生负作用。
My mother gritted her teeth and told herself to put her faith in the Party. Even so, she found it very hard being totally cut off from her family, and missed her children terribly. My father did not write or visit her once letters and meetings were forbidden. What she needed more than anything else at the time was a shoulder on which to rest her head, or at least a loving word.
我母亲咬着牙，告诉自己要相信党。可是叫她最难以忍受的是完全切断与家人的联系，她非常想念孩子，渴望有个能靠一靠的肩膀，或至少一句充满爱意的话。但我父亲既没有写信来，也没有来探视她，因为这些都不准。
But she did get phone calls. From the other end of the line would come jokes and words of trust which cheered her up enormously. The only phone in the whole department was on the desk of the woman who was in charge of secret documents. When a call came for my mother, her 'companions' would stand in the room while she was on the line, but because they liked her and wanted her to get some comfort, they would show they were not listening.
她倒常接到电话，电话线那端传来的是玩笑和宽慰之语。整幢楼只有一部电话在机要室女职员的办公室桌上。我母亲接电话时，“陪伴”就站在房间里。不过，她们因为喜欢我母亲，想让她放轻松点，就有意表现出没有在听。
The woman in charge of secret documents was not part of the team investigating my mother, so she was not entitled to listen to or report on her. My mother's companions made sure that she never got into trouble for these phone calls. They would simply report: "Director Chang telephoned. Discussed family matters." Word went around about what a considerate husband my father was, so concerned about my mother and so affectionate. One of my mother's young companions told her she wanted to find a husband as nice as my father.
机要员不是我母亲专案组成员，没有权听。而我母亲也没有向她汇报的义务。由于“陪伴”的好心，我母亲接这些电话从未遇到麻烦。她们只是简单地向上面报告“张部长来电话了，谈的都是家务事。”此话一传开，人人都说我父亲是一位体贴的丈夫，好关心我母亲。我母亲的一位年轻“陪伴”还对她说，她将来也要找一个像我父亲这样的好丈夫。
No one knew that the caller was not my father, but another high official who had come over to the Communists from the Kuomintang during the war against Japan. Having once been a Kuomintang officer, he had come under suspicion and had been imprisoned by the Communists in 1947, although he was eventually cleared. He cited his experience to reassure my mother, and in fact remained a lifelong friend of hers.
天知道这些电话并不是我父亲打来的，来电话的是另一位高干，我母亲的好友。他在抗日战争期间脱离国民党而加入共产党，由于曾是国民党军官，也被怀疑、审查过，还在1947年被关进监狱，不过他最后澄清了罪名。此时，他以过来人的身份来鼓励我母亲。
My father never phoned once in the six long months. He knew from his years of being a Communist that the Party preferred the person under investigation to have no contact with the outside world, not even with their spouse. As he saw it, to comfort my mother would imply some kind of distrust of the Party. My mother could never forgive him for deserting her at a time when she needed love and support more than anything. Once again he had proved that he put the Party first.
我父亲在长达六个月的时间里，一次电话也没有来过。他在党多年，明白共产党不愿受审查的人与外界联系，甚至不愿他们与家属接触，他觉得安慰我母亲就是对党不信任。但我母亲不能原谅他，在这段她最需要爱和支持的期间，他没有给她，他把党摆在第一位。
One January morning, as she was staring at the clumps of shivering grass being battered by the dismal rain under the jasmine on the trellis with its masses of intertwined green shoots, my mother was summoned to see Mr. Kuang, the head of the investigating team. He told her she was being allowed to go back to work and to go out. But she had to report in every night. The Party had not reached a final conclusion about her.
1月的某个早晨，我母亲坐在窗前望着阴雨扑打着外头一丛丛颤抖的小草，小草上方是七里香花架，数不清的嫩枝、树叶交缠着，突然有人叫她去见专案组的匡组长。匡先生说，她可以回去工作了，也可以出门，但每晚须回隔离审查处睡觉，因为党组织还没有对她的问题下最后的结论。
What had happened, my mother realized, was that the investigations had bogged down. Most of the suspicions could not be either proved or disproved. Although this was unsatisfactory for her, she pushed it to the back of her mind in her excitement at the thought of seeing her children for the first time in six months.
我母亲明白审查已陷人胶着状态，大多数疑点既不能证实也不能推翻。尽管她对这样的情形不满意，她还是把它抛诸脑后，兴奋地想：六个月来终于第一次可以去看孩子们了。
In our different boarding nurseries, we seldom saw our father, either. He was constantly away in the countryside.
这段时间我们四个孩子分散在四处寄宿托儿所里。我们也极少见到父亲，他常常离开成都，下乡去了。
On the rare occasions when he was back in Chengdu, he would send his bodyguard to bring my sister and me home on Saturdays. He never had the two boys fetched because he felt he could not cope with them, they were too young.
偶尔回一次成都，如逢星期六，就叫他的警卫把我和姐姐接回家。他从来不去接两个男孩，说他们太小，他应付不了。
"Home' was his office. When we got there he would always have to go off to some meeting, so his bodyguard would lock us up in the office, where there was nothing to do, apart from competing at blowing soap bubbles. Once I got so bored I drank a lot of soapy water and was ill for days.
“家”其实就是他的办公室，我们到了那里，他又总是出去开会，他的警卫就把我们锁在房间里，办公室没什么好玩的，我和姐姐比赛吹肥皂泡。有一次我被关得不耐烦了，喝了许多肥皂水，结果病了好些天。
When my mother was told she could go out, the first thing she did was jump on her bicycle and speed off to our nurseries. She was particularly worried about Jin-ming, now two and a half, whom she had hardly had any time to get to know. But, after sitting around unused for six months, her bicycle's tires were flat, and she was barely out of the gate when she had to stop and get some air put in them. She had never felt so impatient in her life, as she paced around the shop while the man pumped up her tires in what seemed to her a very lackadaisical manner.
我母亲可以出门时，第一件事就是跳上脚踏车飞快地向我们的托儿所。他特别担心京明，他那时才两岁半，几乎没有和母亲相处过。但是六个月的隔离，她的脚踏车车胎早瘪了。她居然没注意到，跳上去蹬了几下才发现，于是她把车推到街口打气，当修车工人慢腾腾地打气时，她焦躁地走来走去，一生中从来没有如此不耐烦过。
She went to see Jin-ming first. When she arrived, the teacher looked at her coldly. Jin-ming, the teacher said, was one of the very few children who had been left behind on weekends. My father had hardly ever come to see him, and had never taken him home. At first, Jin-ming had asked for "Mother Chen," the teacher said.
京明的教师对她显然很生气，说京明是从没有家长来接的极少数几个孩子之一。京明看都没来看她一下。开始时，京明哭着要“陈妈妈”——教师此时问我母亲：
"That's not you, is it?" she asked. My mother acknowledged that "Mother Chen' was his wet-nurse. Later, Jin-ming would hide in a corner room when it was time for the other parents to come and collect their offspring.
“当然不是你，对不对？”我母亲承认“陈妈妈”是他的奶妈。后来一到星期六，其他的父母来接孩子时，京明就躲在一间屋子的角落里。老师故意对我母亲说：
"You must be a stepmother," the teacher said accusingly. My mother could not explain.
“你一定是个后母吧！”我母亲没法解释。
When Jin-ming was brought in, he remained at the far end of the room and would not go near my mother. He just stood there silently, resentfully refusing to look at her.
当老师把京明带到会客室时，他站在屋里老远的那一头，动也不动地，低着头不理我母亲，母亲拿了一些桃子，剥了皮要他过来吃，但他不肯走过来，她只好把桃子放在手帕上，从桌上推过去，京明等到她抽回手，才抓起一个桃子，几口就吞了下去，然后他又拿起另一个，不一会儿，三个桃子全都吃得精光。自隔离审查以来，我母亲第一次流下了眼泪。
My mother produced some peaches and asked him to come over and eat them while she peeled them. But Jin-ming would not move. She had to put the peaches on her handkerchief and push them along the table. He waited for her to withdraw her hand before he grabbed one peach and devoured it. Then he took another one. In no time the three peaches were gone. For the first time since she had been taken into detention, my mother let her tears fall.
I remember the evening she came to see me. I was nearly four, and was in my wooden bed which had bars like a cage. One side of the railing was let down so she could sit and hold my hand while I fell asleep. But I wanted to tell her about all my adventures and mischief. I was worried that once I fell asleep she would disappear again forever.
我记得她来看我的那个晚上。我快四岁了，睡在小木床上，周围是栏杆，像个木笼。栏杆一面放下，母亲坐在小床，握住我的手，想哄我慢慢入睡。但我老想把我种种调皮捣蛋的事一古脑儿告诉她。我也很担心，万一睡着了，她又不见了，怎么办呢？
Whenever she thought I was asleep and tried to slip her hand away, I gripped it and started to cry. She stayed until around midnight. I screamed when she started to leave, but she pulled herself away. I did not know that 'parole' time was up.
每当她猜我已入睡，想轻轻抽手离开时，我就紧紧一抓，大哭起来，就这样她一直坐到深夜。最后她抽手时，我哭叫不止，但是她没有回头，一径去了。我不知道她回隔离处的时间已经到了。