14 "Father Is Close, Mother Is Close, but Neither Is as Close as Chairman Mao"
十四 “爹亲娘亲，不如毛主席亲”
——The Cult of Mao (1964-1965)
——对毛泽东的个人崇拜(1964—1965年)
"Chairman Mao," as we always called him, began to impinge directly on my life in 1964, when I was twelve.
1964年，也就是我十二岁那年，毛主席开始渐渐主宰我的生活。饥荒后，他不得不让步，“退隐”了一段时间。现在，当经济情况明显好转时，他又开始东山再起。
Having been in retreat for some time after the famine, he was starting his comeback, and in March of the previous year he had issued a call to the whole country, particularly the young, to 'learn from Lei Feng."
1963年3月，毛泽东号召全中国人，特别是青年人，“向雷锋同志学习”。
Lei Feng was a soldier who, we were told, had died at the age of twenty-two in 1962. He had done an awful lot of good deeds going out of his way a help the elderly, the sick, and the needy. He had donated his savings to disaster relief funds and given up his food rations to comrades in the hospital.
雷锋是位士兵，1962年二十二岁就死了，生前做了许多善事——专门帮助老人、病人，把自己多年的积蓄捐献给灾区救灾，还把定粮分给生病的同志。
Lei Feng soon began to dominate my life. Every afternoon we left school to 'do good deeds like Lei Feng." We went down to the railway station to try to help old ladies with their luggage, as Lei Feng had done. We sometimes had to grab their bundles from them forcibly because some countrywomen thought we were thieves. On rainy days, I stood on the street with an umbrella, anxiously hoping that an old lady would pass by and give me an opportunity to escort her home as Lei Feng had done. If I saw someone carrying water buckets on a shoulder pole old houses still did not have running water t would try unsuccessfully to summon up the courage to offer my help, although I had no idea how heavy a load of water was.
雷锋开始支配了我的生活。每天下午我们走出校门“学雷锋做好事”。我们模仿雷锋，跑到火车站去帮旅客提行李。当我们径直从乡下来的老太太手上抓过行李时，她们紧张万分，死死按住自己的财物，一面高喊“抓小偷”。每逢天阴下雨，我就拿着雨伞，守在街头，眼巴巴地盼着有个老人迷路，使我有机会像雷锋一样，把他送回家。每当我看见有人挑水——大多数普通民家没有自来水——我就想鼓起勇气上前帮他担，只是说不出口，我当然完全不知道一担水有多重。
Gradually, during the course of 1964, the emphasis began to shift from boy scoutish good deeds to the cult of Mao. The essence of Lei Feng, the teachers told us, was his 'boundless love and devotion to Chairman Mao."
到了1964年，这种童子军式的“每日一善”已逐渐转向对毛泽东的个人崇拜。老师们告诉我们：要效法雷锋，最重要的是学习他热爱毛主席的精神。
Before he took any action, Lei Feng always thought of some words of Mao's. His diary was published and became our moral textbook. On almost every page there was a pledge like: "I must study Chairman Mao's works, heed Chairman Mao's words, follow Chairman Mao's instructions, and be a good soldier of Chairman Mao's." We vowed to follow Lei Feng, and be ready to 'go up mountains of knives and down seas of flames," to 'have our bodies smashed to powder and our bones crushed to smithereens," to 'submit ourselves unquestioningly to the control of the Great Leader' Mao. The cult of Mao and the cult of Lei Feng were two sides of the same coin: one was the cult of personality; the other, its essential corollary, was the cult of impersonality.
雷锋每做一件事前总会想起毛主席的教导。《雷锋日记》现在成了我们的道德教科书，它里面几乎每一页都有类似的誓言：“读毛主席的书，听毛主席的话，按毛主席的指示办事，做毛主席的好战士。”我们都宣誓：“要像雷锋叔叔一样，上刀山、下火海、粉身碎骨在所不辞，毛主席指向哪里，我们就奔向哪里。”当时毛泽东和雷锋的崇拜，其实是一枚镍币的两面：一面是绝对权力，另一面是绝对服从。
I read my first article by Mao in 1964, at a time when two slogans of Mao's - "Serve the People' and "Never Forget Class Struggle' dominated our lives. The essence of these two complementary slogans was illustrated in Lei Feng's poem "The Four Seasons," which we all learned by heart:
我第一次读毛泽东的书是在1964年，那时毛泽东的两条相互补充的口号——“为人民服务”和“千万不要忘记阶级斗争”主宰了我们的生活。雷锋的一首“四季诗”里就是这两句口号的诗化，这首诗我们都背得滚瓜烂热：
Like spring, I treat my comrades warmly.
对同志要像春天般的温暖，对工作要像夏天一样火热，对个人主义要像秋风扫落叶一样，对敌人要像严冬一样残酷无情。
Like summer, I am full of ardor for my revolutionary work.
I eliminate my individualism as an autumn gale sweeps away fallen leaves, And to the class enemy, I am cruel and ruthless like harsh winter.
In line with this, our teacher said we had to be careful whom we helped on our do-good errands. We must not help 'class enemies." But I did not understand who they were, and when I asked, neither the teachers nor my parents were keen to elaborate. One common answer was: 'like the baddies in the movies." But I could not see anyone around me who looked like the highly stylized enemy characters in the movies. This posed a big problem. I no longer felt sure about seizing bags from old ladies. I could not possibly ask, "Are you a class enemy?"
我们的老师根据这首诗告诫我们在做“好事”时务必小心，否则会误帮了“阶级敌人”。但谁是阶级敌人呢？当我问老师、父母时，他们也都说不出个所以然，有时回答：“像电影里的坏人。”但是在我周遭根本碰不到像电影里那种一望即知是坏蛋的反面人物。这样一来，我从老太太手上拿包袱时，心里就不踏实了，我总不能问她：“你是阶级敌人吗？”
We sometimes went to clean the houses in an alley next to our school. In one house there was a young man who used to lounge on a bamboo chair watching us with a cynical smile as we toiled away on his windows. Not only did he not offer to help, he even wheeled his bicycle out of the shed and suggested we clean that for him as well.
我们有时到学校附近的小巷打扫民宅。有一所房子里住着一位年轻男子，他总是懒洋洋地半躺在竹椅上，脸上挂着讥讽的笑容袖手旁观。当我们累得满头大汗替他擦窗户时，他还得寸进尺地把自行车推出来，要我们替他洗净擦亮。我们一边洗，他还一边挖苦：
"What a pity," he once said, 'that you are not the real Lei Feng, and that there are no photographers on hand to take your pictures for the newspapers." (Lei Feng's good deeds were miraculously recorded by an official photographer.)
“真是可惜啊！你们当不成真正的雷锋，因为这里没有摄影记者拍下你们拿去上报纸。”(不知怎么回事，雷锋每次做好事时，总有记者在场摄影。)
We all hated the lounger with the dirty bicycle. Could he be a class enemy? But we knew he worked at a machinery factory, and workers, we had been repeatedly told, were the best, the leading class in our revolution. I was confused.
我们大家都很恨这个懒人和他肮脏的自行车。他该是阶级敌人吧！但我们知道他不是。他在一家机械厂工作，是工人阶级，革命的领导阶级。我感到迷惑不解了。
One of the things I had been doing was helping to push carts on the streets after school. The carts were often piled high with cement blocks or chunks of sandstone. They were terribly heavy, and every step was an enormous effort for the men who pulled them. Even in cold weather, some would be bare-chested, and shiny beads of sweat trickled down their faces and backs. If the road was even slightly uphill, it was very hard for some of them to keep going.
我常常做的一件“好事”是在放学后帮人推板板车(手拉车)。这些板板车经常满载水泥包、石块或电缆杆，沉重得可怕。拉车人每迈一步都像使尽了浑身力量，甚至在严冬时，也见他们光着膀子，汗流浃背地吃力工作。上坡就更艰难了，每次看到他们拼命地拖着车子时，我总感到揪心地难过。
Whenever I saw them, I was attacked by a wave of sadness.
Since the campaign to learn from Lei Feng had started, I had stood by a ramp waiting for carts to pass. I would be exhausted after helping to push just one of them. As I left off, the man pulling would give me an almost imperceptible sideways smile, trying not to break his stride and lose momentum.
自从掀起学雷锋的运动后，一放学，我就站在斜坡下等待，遇到板板车经过时，我就从后面使尽全力帮着推。拉车人总会稍稍偏过头来给我一个感激的微笑。当然他不能停下来，一停下来就拉不动了。
One day a classmate said to me in a very serious tone of voice that most of the people pulling carts were class enemies who had been assigned to do hard labor. Therefore, she told me, it was wrong to help them. I asked my teacher, since I, in accordance with Chinese tradition, always turned to teachers for authority. But instead of her normal air of confidence, she looked unsettled and said she did not know the answer, which puzzled me. In fact, it was actually true that people pulling carts had often been assigned the job because they had Kuomintang links, or because they were victims of one of the political purges.
有一天，一位同学跑来用严肃的口气告诫我：拉板板车的人就是“阶级敌人”，他们在劳改。我帮错了人！这一惊非同小可，我忙赶去问老师，当时我们都把老师的话当作“圣旨”。但是这回她丧失了平时的权威模样，看上去像是不知该说什么好。她沉思了一会儿，才说她也不知道，不过要我以后别再去帮人推车了。老师也不知道！这更使我如陷五里雾。事实上，那些人很多是跟国民党有关系的，或是历次运动的牺牲品。
My teacher obviously did not want to tell me this, but she did ask me to stop helping to push carts. From then on, every time I happened on a cart in the street, I averted my eyes from the bent figure trudging along and quickly walked away with a heavy heart.
他们确实是在劳改，而教师显然不想告诉我。从此，我只要一见到拉板板车的人，就强压住沉重的心情，转过脸迅速走开，不忍心看那些弓着腰、步履艰难的苦力。
To fill us with hatred for class enemies, the schools started regular sessions of 'recalling bitterness and reflecting on happiness," at which older people would tell us about the miseries of pre-Communist China. Our generation had been born 'under the red flag' in new China, and had no idea what life was like under the Kuomintang.
为了使我们仇恨阶级敌人，学校还经常召开“忆苦思甜”会，说我们这代人“生在新中国，长在红旗下”，完全不知道国民党统治下的生活有多么悲惨。他们说，雷锋就曾经受过苦，七岁时，他母亲被地主强奸后悬梁自尽，这就是为什么雷锋憎恨阶级敌人而全心拥护毛主席。
Lei Feng had, we were taught, which was why he could hate the class enemies so deeply and love Chairman Mao with all his heart. When he was seven, his mother was supposed to have hanged herself after being raped by a landlord.
Workers and peasants came to give talks at our school: we heard of childhoods dominated by starvation, freezing winters with no shoes, and premature, painful deaths. They told us how boundlessly grateful they were to Chairman Mao for saving their lives and giving them food and clothing. One speaker was a member of an ethnic group called the Yi, who had a system of slavery until the late 1950s.
老工人、老农民也被请来作报告，告诉我们他们小时候如何挨饿，在寒冬腊月没有鞋穿，他们的小兄弟如何在小小年纪就饿死了。他们一再反复地说多么感谢毛主席救了他们的性命，让他们吃饱穿暖。有一次还来了位凉山彝族奴隶，他说那个地区一直到五十年代后期才取消奴隶制度。
He had been a slave and showed us scars from appalling beatings under his previous masters. Every time the speakers described the hardships they had endured the packed hall was shaken by sobs. I came out of these sessions feeling devastated at what the Kuomintang had done, and passionately devoted to Mao.
他边说边撩起衣服让我们看以前主子毒打他留下的疤痕。每当作报告的人绘声绘色地描述他们的苦日子时，坐得满满的礼堂内总是一片啜泣声，我总想：国民党怎么这样坏呀！毛主席实在太伟大了，我要一辈子忠于您。
To show us what life without Mao would be like, every now and then the school canteen cooked something called a 'bitterness meal," which was supposed to be what poor people had to eat under the Kuomintang. It was composed of strange herbs, and I secretly wondered whether the cooks were playing a practical joke on us it was truly unspeakable. The first couple of times I vomited.
为了让我们尝尝没有毛主席生活会是什么滋味，学校食堂不时地给我们做“忆苦饭”，说这是国民党统治下穷人吃的食物。这些饭是由各种稀奇古怪的野菜做成的大杂烩，难吃得不得了，我第一二次吃时还吐了出来，不禁心想，炊事员不是在恶作剧吧？这是人吃的吗？
One day we were taken to an exhibition of 'class education' about Tibet: on display were photos of dungeons crawling with scorpions, and horrific instruments of torture, including a tool for scooping out eyes and knives for cutting the tendons in the ankles. A man in a wheelchair who came to our school to give a talk told us he was a former serf from Tibet who had had his ankle tendons severed for some trivial offense.
有一天，我们去参观西藏的“阶级教育展览”。有张照片是地牢。里边爬满吸血的大毒虫。还有可怕的刑具，包括挖眼睛的勺和割脚筋的刀。有位藏民坐着轮椅车到我们学校来作报告，他从前是个奴隶，被主人割断脚筋，终身残废。
Since 1964, large houses had also been opened as 'museums of class education' to show how class enemies like landlords had lived in luxury on the sweat and blood of the peasants before Mao came. During the holiday for Chinese New Year in 1965, my father took us to a famous mansion two and a half hours' drive from home. Underneath the political justification, the journey was really an excuse for an outing to the countryside in early spring, in accordance with the Chinese tradition of 'walking on the tender green' (ta-qing) to welcome the season. This was one of the few occasions that my family ever went on a trip out to the country.
1964年后，一些地主庄园被辟作“阶级教育展览馆”，展示以前的地主如何剥削农民的血汗，过着骄奢淫逸的生活。1965年春节，父亲带我们去参观川西平原著名地主刘文彩的庄园，坐车约两个半小时。虽然说是去受阶级教育，实际上是借机踏青，我们几乎从来没有机会全家出城到乡下去玩。
As the car drove across the green Chengdu Plain along the eucalyptus-lined asphalt road, I looked intently out of the window at the lovely bamboo groves embracing the farmhouses, and the curving smoke lingering above the thatched cottages peeping between the bamboo leaves.
我们的汽车行驶在一片葱绿的成都平原上，桉树整齐地排列在柏油路两旁。我目不转睛地凝视窗外秀丽的景色，一丛丛翠竹环抱着农家小院，透过竹叶隐约可见澄黄色麦草覆盖的屋顶，屋顶上炊烟袅袅。
Occasionally, a branch of early plum blossom was reflected in the streams that meandered around almost every thicket.
每个竹丛都有小溪环绕，溪水映着沿岸盛开的迎春花。
My father had asked us all to write an essay after the trip, describing the scenery, and I observed everything with great care. There was one sight which puzzled me: the few trees dotted around the fields were completely stripped of their branches and leaves except for the very top, and looked like bare flagpoles with a cap of green. My father explained that firewood was scarce on the densely cultivated Chengdu Plain, and that the peasants had cut off as many branches as they could reach. What he did not tell me was that there had been many more trees until a few years before, but most of them had been cut down to feed the furnaces to produce steel during the Great Leap Forward.
父亲在行前说要我们每人写一篇散文，描写早春的乡村景色，我于是不得不细心观察。但有个现象使我大惑不解：田野里稀疏散布着树木，光秃秃的枝干上只在顶端有一小撮叶子，仿佛是旗杆上戴着顶小绿帽。父亲解释说成都平原人口稠密，农民缺柴烧，就把能砍得到的枝叶都砍光了。他没有告诉我，其实几年前这里的树多得很，“大跃进”时，树都被砍去炼钢了。
The countryside seemed extremely prosperous. The market town where we stopped for lunch was teeming with peasants in bright new clothes, the older ones wearing shiny white turbans and clean dark-blue aprons. Golden roast ducks glowed in the windows of the packed restaurants. Deliciously scented clouds burst out of the lids of huge bamboo steamers in the stalls on the crowded streets. Our car crawled through the market to the local government offices, which were in a mansion with two stone lions squatting outside the gate. My father had lived in this county during the famine in 196I, and now, four years later, the local officials wanted to show him how much had changed. They took us to a restaurant where a private room had been reserved for us. As we squeezed through the crowded restaurant the peasants stared at us, obvious outsiders ushered in respectfully by the local bosses. I saw that the tables were covered with strange, mouth-watering dishes. I had hardly ever eaten anything except what we were given in our? canteen, and the food in this market town was full of lovely surprises. It had novel names too: "Pearl Balls," "Three Gunshots," "Lions' Heads." Afterward the manager of the restaurant said goodbye to us on the pavement while the local peasants gawked at our entourage.
乡村看上去十分繁荣，我们停车吃饭的集市，农民摩肩接踵，身着新衣，面带喜色，交谈声，叫卖声、货担叮当声响成一片。年纪大的男人头上缠着一条崭新的白布，腰间围着深蓝色的围裙。黄澄澄的油淋鸭在人头攒动的饭馆厨窗内鲜亮夺目，街道两边各种临时搭起的小摊上传出阵阵诱人的香味。我们的车按着喇叭挤过熙来攘往的集市开往县府，县府位于一处深宅大院，两尊石狮蹲伏在大门两边。我父亲在1961年大饥荒时曾在这里住过，四年后的今天，当地官员想向他夸示他们的生活有了多大的改善。他们陪我们去一家饭馆，之前已事先订好了厢房。饭馆里人挤人，个个盯着我们看，看“县老爷”毕恭毕敬陪着“大人”。我瞥了一眼他们的餐桌，上面满是新奇的东西。除了省委小食堂的菜单外，我不知道还有其他的菜，面对满桌美味，真的有点应接不暇。我特别喜欢那些新颖的名字，“珍珠丸子”、“三大炮”、“狮子头”。
On the way to the museum, our car overtook an open truck with some boys and girls from my school in it. They were obviously going to the 'class-education' mansion as well. One of my teachers was standing on the back. She smiled at me, and I shrank down in my seat with embarrassment at the difference between our chauffeur-driven car and the open truck on the bumpy road in the cold early spring air. My father was sitting in front with my youngest brother on his lap. He recognized my teacher and smiled back at her. When he turned around to attract my attention, he saw that I had completely disappeared. He beamed with pleasure. My embarrassment showed my good qualities, he said; it was good that I felt ashamed of privilege rather than flaunting it.
饭后饭馆经理送我们出餐厅，又引来一阵侧目。往庄园的路上，我们的小车超过了一辆无蓬卡车。那辆车上有我的一些同学，他们显然也是去地主庄园上“阶级教育课”。一位老师站在卡车上，看见了我，对我微笑。我觉得很不好意思：自己坐的是轿车，而同学和老师却迎着初春寒风在卡车上颠簸。我于是缩到座位下去了。父亲抱着小弟弟坐前座，他也认出了我老师，微笑着打招呼，接着转身想告诉我，却发现我不见了。他高兴地笑了，认为我对特权感到羞愧是一件值得赞扬的事。
I found the museum incredibly shocking. There were sculptures of landless peasants having to pay exorbitant rent. One showed how the landlord used two different measures: a big one for collecting grain and a small one for lending it out at crippling interest, too. There were also a torture chamber and a dungeon with an iron cage sitting in filthy water. The cage was too small for a man to be able to stand up straight, and too narrow for him to sit down. We were told the landlord used it to punish peasants who could not pay their rent. One room was said to have housed three wet-nurses who provided him with human milk, which he believed was the most nutritious kind. His number-five concubine was said to have eaten thirty ducks a day not the meat, only the feet, which were considered a great delicacy.
讲解人员带我们参观这座庄园，我一路上都感到震惊。有一组塑像描绘农民向地主交租的情形，其中一个场面是地主用不同的量器盘剥农民：用大斗收租、小斗借出，利息还高得不得了。庄园里有刑讯室和阴森森的水牢，牢内有个铁笼子浸在污秽的水里，铁笼子小得让人关在里边既不能站直又不能坐下。讲解人员说这是地主用来惩罚抗租的农民的。据说有所院子曾住过三个奶妈，专门挤奶喂成年的地主刘文彩，因为人奶最能滋补身体。另外，他的五姨太，一天要杀三十只鸭子，她不吃肉，只吃鸭掌。
We were not told that the brother of this allegedly inhuman landlord was now a minister in the government in Peking, having been given the post as a reward for surrendering Chengdu to the Communists in 1949.
刘文彩地主庄园是全国有名的，当然我当时完全不知道他的兄弟正在北京任某部部长。1949年底共产党大军压境时，他是地方军阀，在成都不战而降，所以共产党让他当部长以示奖励。
Throughout, while we were being instructed about the 'man-eating days of the Kuomintang," we were reminded that we should be grateful to Mao.
整个展览教育我们的是“国民党治下的吃人社会”，我们该感谢毛泽东。
The cult of Mao went hand in hand with the manipulation of people's unhappy memories of their past. Class enemies were presented as vicious malefactors who wanted to drag China back to the days of the Kuomintang, which would mean that we children would lose our schools, our winter shoes, and our food. That was why we had to smash these enemies, we were told. Chiang Kai-shek was said to have launched assaults on the mainland and tried to stage a comeback in 1962 during the 'difficult period' the regime's euphemism for the famine.
的确，崇拜毛泽东就是利用人们对昔日痛苦的回忆。我们的“阶级敌人”据说是那些用心险恶企图使国民党复辟的人，他们想把中国拉回到从前，使我们没有学校念书，冬天没有鞋穿，因此我们必须粉碎“阶级敌人”。我们还听说，在1962年“困难时期”——这是官方对饥荒的委婉说法——蒋介石曾准备反攻大陆。
In spite of all this talk and activity, class enemies for me, and for much of my generation, remained abstract, unreal shadows. They were a thing of the past, too far away. Mao had not been able to give them an everyday material form.
尽管有这一大堆教育，“阶级敌人”对我和同一辈的人来说，仍十分抽象，只是个朦朦胧胧的概念。他们似乎属于遥远的过去，毛主席也没有告诉我们身边的人中谁是敌人，原因之一是他自己特别彻底粉碎了过去。然而，阶级敌人的形象已深植在我们的脑海。
One reason, paradoxically, was that he had smashed the past so thoroughly. However, the expectation of an enemy figure was planted in us.
At the same time, Mao was sowing the seeds for his own deification, and my contemporaries and I were immersed in this crude yet effective indoctrination. It worked partly because Mao adroitly occupied the moral high ground: just as harshness to class enemies was presented as loyalty to the people, so total submission to him was cloaked in a deceptive appeal to be selfless. It was very hard to get behind the rhetoric, particularly when there was no alternative viewpoint from the adult population. In fact, the adults positively colluded in enhancing Mao's cult.
同时，毛泽东播下了对他个人绝对忠诚的种子，我和同辈的人都在这种简单而有效的灌输中成长。个人崇拜成功的部分原因是毛泽东好像总是有理，对阶级敌人狠就是忠于人民，完全顺服于他即是无私。这些词藻后面的含义小孩子很难看透，特别是成年人也帮着毛说话，当时他们也都卷入了崇拜毛泽东潮流中。
For two thousand years China had an emperor figure who was state power and spiritual authority rolled into one.
两千多年来，中国一直都由皇帝统治，皇帝既是国家权力的象征，也是人民的精神领袖。
The religious feelings which people in other parts of the world have toward a god have in China always been directed toward the emperor. My parents, like hundreds of millions of Chinese, were influenced by this tradition.
中国人的宗教情感常投注在皇帝身上。我的父母就像其他几亿中国人一样，深受这种传统的影响。
Mao made himself more godlike by shrouding himself in mystery. He always appeared remote, beyond human approach. He eschewed radio, and there was no television.
毛泽东好像是中国人的上帝。他总很神秘，令人可望而不可及。他从不上电台广播(当时还没有电视)。
Few people, except his court staff, ever had any contact with him. Even his colleagues at the very top only met him in a sort of formal audience. After Yan'an, my father only set eyes on him a few times, and then only at large-scale meetings. My mother only ever saw him once, when he came to Chengdu in 1958 and summoned all officials above Grade I8 to have a group photo taken with him.
除了几个“朝臣”外，很少人能和他接触，甚至连他的同事也不能随便见到他。我父亲离开延安后，只看过他几次，都是在大规模的会议上。我母亲则仅见过他一次：1958年他来成都时，有一天，十八级以上干部被召到金牛坝他的住所与他合影。
After the fiasco of the Great Leap Forward, he had disappeared almost completely.
大跃进惨败后，他有相当一段时间完全不露面了。
Mao, the emperor, fitted one of the patterns of Chinese history: the leader of a nationwide peasant uprising who swept away a rotten dynasty and became a wise new emperor exercising absolute authority. And, in a sense, Mao could be said to have earned his god-emperor status.
毛泽东的地位也很符合历史上改朝换代的模式，(此处删去两行)实现了中国人的梦想。
He was responsible for ending the civil war and bringing peace and stability, which the Chinese always yearned for so much that they said "It's better to be a dog in peacetime than a human being in war." It was under Mao that China became a power to be reckoned with in the world, and many Chinese stopped feeling ashamed and humiliated at being Chinese, which meant a tremendous amount to them. In reality, Mao turned China back to the days of the Middle Kingdom and, with the help of the United States, to isolation from the world. He enabled the Chinese to feel great and superior again, by blinding them to the world outside. Nonetheless, national pride was so important to the Chinese that much of the population was genuinely grateful to Mao, and did not find the cult of his personality offensive, certainly not at first. The near total lack of access to information and the systematic feeding of disinformation meant that most Chinese had no way to discriminate between Mao's successes and his failures, or to identify the relative role of Mao and other leaders in the Communists' achievements.
中国人早已对连年战争深恶痛绝，所谓“宁为太平犬，不作乱世人。”中国在毛泽东的统治下，变成了世界刮目相看的强国，中国人不再自卑，不再以当中国人为耻，这一点对他们来说实在是太重要了。其实，中国是在美国的逼迫下，回到了闭关自守的“中央王国”，关起门来“精神胜利”。虽然如此，民族自尊对中国人来说是十分重要的，所以他们衷心感谢毛泽东，认为对他崇拜理所当然。一般中国人几乎接触不到真实的消息，无法评价毛泽东的功过，无法分辨共产党的成就中哪些应归于毛泽东，哪些应归于别的领导人。
Fear was never absent in the building up of Mao's cult.
恐惧也是个人崇拜的重要因素。
Many people had been reduced to a state where they did not dare even to think, in case their thoughts came out involuntarily. Even if they did entertain unorthodox ideas, few mentioned them to their children, as they might blurt out something to other children, which could bring disaster to themselves as well as their parents. In the learn-from Lei Feng years it was hammered into children that our first and only loyalty should be to Mao. A popular song went: "Father is close, Mother is close, but neither is as close as Chairman Mao." We were drilled to think that anyone, including our parents, who was not totally for Mao was our enemy. Many parents encouraged their children to grow up as conformists, as this would be safest for their future.
许多人甚至不敢思想，怕说漏了嘴惹来大祸。就算他们有不同的看法，也不敢向自己的孩子说，孩子们不知轻重，一旦说给他人听，不仅给自己，也会给家人带来麻烦。通过学雷锋，忠于毛主席的意识更强烈。一首人人都会唱的歌说：“爹亲娘亲，不如毛主席亲”。我们被反复灌输谁反对毛主席、谁就是我们的敌人，自己的父母也不例外。家长也鼓励自己的孩子奉行毛主席的话，如此未来才有保障。
Self-censorship covered even basic information. I never heard of Yu-lin, or my grandmother's other relatives. Nor was I told about my mother's detention in 1955, or about the famine in fact, anything that might sow a gram of doubt in me about the regime, or Mao. My parents, like virtually every parent in China, never said anything unorthodox to their children.
家长们的自我控制，使孩子们不知道最基本的事实。我从来没有听说过玉林或我姥姥的那些亲戚。家里没人告诉我母亲曾在1955年被隔离审查，也没人提大饥荒，我对毛主席简直没有一丝异念。我的父母就像其他父母一样，从不对自己的孩子说任何违反正统的话。
In 1965, my New Year resolution was "I will obey my grandmother' - a traditional Chinese way of promising to behave well. My father shook his head: "You should not say that. You should only say "I obey Chairman Mao."
1965年新年时，我的“新年决心”是要“听姥姥的话”，父亲摇摇头说：“这样不对，姥姥也要听毛主席的话，把这条改成听毛主席的话。”
On my thirteenth birthday, in March that year, my father's present was not his usual books of science ficfon, but a volume containing the four philosophical works of Mao.
3月25日，在我十三岁生日那天，父亲给我的礼物不再是科幻书，而是一套毛泽东四篇哲学著作的合订本。
Only one adult ever said anything to me which conflicted with the official propaganda, and that was the stepmother of Deng Xiaoping, who lived some of the time in the apartment block next to ours, with her daughter, who worked in the provincial government. She liked children, and I was constantly in and out of her apartment. When my friends and I stole pickles from the canteen, or picked melon flowers and herbs from the compound garden, we did not dare to take them home for fear of being scolded, so we used to go to her apartment, where she would ~ash and fry them for us. This was all the more exciting because we were eating something illicit. She was about seven~ then but looked much younger, with tiny feet and a gentle, smooth, but strong face. She always wore a gray cotton jacket and black cotton shoes, which she made herself. She was very relaxed and treated us like equals. I liked sitting in her kitchen chatting with her. On one occasion, when I was about thirteen, I went to see her straight after an emotional 'speak-bitterness' session. I was bursting with compassion for anyone who had had to live under the Kuomintang, and I said: "Grandma Deng, how you must have suffered under the evil Kuomintang!? How the soldiers must have looted you!? And the bloodsucking landlords!
只有一位成年人曾对我说过“离经叛道”的话，这人就是邓小平的继母。她有时会住在女儿那里，她女儿在四川省委工作，是我们家的邻居。邓奶奶很喜欢小孩子，我总在她家进进出出。每当我和朋友从食堂偷来泡菜，或从大院的花园里采来南瓜花或野菜时，我们就带着这些收获到她家，因为带回家会挨骂的。她总替我们洗干净炒熟，我们吃得津津有味。特别是这些东西都是偷来的。邓奶奶当时已快满七十岁了，但看上去比实际年龄年轻得多。她小脚，性情温和，有张坚强的面孔，平常老穿着一件灰色布褂，脚上的黑布鞋是自己做的。她对我们很亲切，完全没有长者的架子，和她在一起十分轻松自在，我喜欢坐在她的厨房里和她闲聊。十三岁那年，在一次揪心揪肺的“诉苦会”后，我跑去看她，心里对在国民党统治下生活过的所有人充满同情。我问她：“邓奶奶，您在黑暗的旧中国。一定受过许多苦吧？！那些士兵一定抢过您的东西！那些吸血鬼地主是怎么剥削您的？”
What did they do to you?"
"Well," she answered, 'they didn't always loot ... and they were not always evil .... Her words hit me like a bombshell. I was so shocked that I never told anyone what she had said.
“嗯——”她回答说：“他们并没有常常抢东西，也不尽是坏人……”她的话仿佛一颗炸弹，惊得我目瞪口呆，以后从不敢对人提起。
At the time, none of us had any idea that the cult of Mao and the emphasis on class struggle were part of Mao's plans for a showdown with the president, Liu Shaoqi, and Deng Xiaoping, the general secretary of the Party. Mao was unhappy about what Liu and Deng were doing. Since the famine they had been liberalizing both the economy and the society. To Mao, their approach smacked of capitalism rather than socialism. It especially galled him that what he called 'the capitalist road' was proving successful, while his chosen way, the 'correct' way, had turned out to be a disaster. As a practical man, Mao recognized this, and had to allow them to have their way. But he planned to impose his ideas again as soon as the country was in good enough shape to stand the experiment, and as soon as he could build-up enough momentum to dislodge his powerful enemies in the Party.
(此处删去3行)他们采取了一系列务实的做法，放松对经济和社会的控制。对毛泽东来说，他俩简直是在走资本主义路线而没有一点社会主义味道。(此处删去3行)他仍一心想搞他的一套，只等时机成熟。(此处删去2行)
Mao found the idea of peaceful progress suffocating. A restless military leader, a warrior-poet, he needed action violent action and regarded permanent human snuggle as necessary for social development. His own Communists had become too tolerant and soft for his taste, seeking to bring harmony rather than conflict. There had been no political campaigns, in which people fought each other, since 1959!
平和的发展令毛泽东窒息。他是个天生军事领袖、一位战斗的诗人，他需要行动。(此处删去一句)他常说“与人斗，其乐无穷”，人跟人斗才能使社会发展。他属下的共产党员现在变得越来越不合他的胃口了，他嫌他们太宽容，一心要和谐，而不要斗争。(此处删去5行)
And Mao was sore. He felt that his opponents had humiliated him by showing him up as incompetent. He had to take revenge, and, being aware that his opponents had widespread support, he needed to increase his authority hugely. To achieve this, he needed to be deified.
Mao bided his time while the economy was recovering. But as it improved, especially after 1964, he began to prepare the grand opening of his confrontation. The relative liberalization of the early 1960s began to fade.
The weekly dances in the compound stopped in 1964. So did the films from Hong Kong. Out went my mother's fluffy bobs; in came short, straight hair. Her blouses and jackets were no longer colorful or figure-hugging. They were made of plain quiet colors and looked like tubes. I was particularly sorry to see her skirts go. I remembered how, a short time before, I had watched her getting off her bicycle, gracefully lifting her blue-and-white check skirt with her knee. I was leaning against the mottled trunk of a plane tree that formed part of the glade coveting the street outside the compound. Her skirt had been flowing like a fan as she rode toward me. On summer evenings, I had often pushed Xiao-fang there in his bamboo pram and waited for her to come home.
1964年，省委大院的周末舞会停止了，香港电影消失了，我母亲的烫发变成了短短的直发，衬衫和外套也色调单一、上下一般粗了。我特别觉得可惜的是她不能穿裙子了，记得不久前的夏天傍晚，我常用竹编儿童车推着小方去大院外等她回家。街道两边是法国梧桐，我常靠在斑驳的树上等母亲骑着车出现，我爱看她从自行车上跳下来，蓝白棋格裙跟着膝盖优雅地像一面扇子那样撩起，如今她只穿大管子似的裤子了。
My grandmother, now in her mid-fifties, kept more signs of her femininity than my mother. Although her jackets still in the traditional style all became the same color of pale gray, she took particular care of her long, thick black hair. According to Chinese tradition, which the Communists inherited, hair had to be well above the shoulder for women of middle age, meaning over thirty.
我姥姥当时五十多岁，但打扮上比我母亲女性化。虽然穿的仍是传统式浅灰色外套，她特别小心维护自己又长又黑的头发。中国传统(共产党仍继承下来)，中年以上的妇女头发不能长过肩膀，而过了三十就算中年了。
My grandmother kept her hair tied up in a neat bun at the back of her head, but she always had flowers there, sometimes a pair of ivory-colored magnolias, and sometimes a white Cape jasmine cupped by two dark-green leaves, which set off her lustrous hair. She never used shampoo from the shops, which she thought would make her hair dull and dry, but would boil the fruit of the Chinese honey locust and use the liquid from that. She would rub the fruit to produce a perfumed lather, and slowly let her mass of black hair drop into the shiny, white, slithery liquid. She soaked her wooden combs in the juice of pomelo seeds, so that the comb ran smoothly through her hair, and gave it a faint aroma. She added a final touch by putting on a little water of osmanthus flowers which she made herself, as perfume had begun to disappear from the shops. I remember watching her combing her hair. It was the only thing over which she took her time. She did everything else very swiftly. She would also paint her eyebrows lightly with a black charcoal pencil and dab a little powder on her nose. Remembering her eyes smiling into the mirror with a particular kind of intense concentration, I think these must have been among her most pleasurable moments.
所以姥姥只能把她的头发做成一个圆髻，但她总在上面插朵花，有时是一对象牙色木兰花，有时是一朵带两片深绿色叶子的纯白栀子花。她从来不从商店买洗发精。说这类化学药品会使头发变干，失去光泽。她是用煮皂荚的水洗头的，先用手搓泡在热水里的皂荚，搓出喷香晶莹的泡沫，然后把浓黑的头发缓缓散开，撒入这一盆亮晶晶滑溜溜的白沫中。她还用柚子籽的汁液泡木梳，使木梳滑润，梳起头来分外舒服，还留下淡淡清香。洗完头，她再淋一点自制的桂花水，这时候香水已开始从商店里消失了。我总记得她盘着腿从从容容地梳理头发的情景，这是她唯一慢慢做的事，做家事她可利落极了。姥姥也用一支炭画笔稍稍描眉，并在脸上轻扑一点粉。看她眼含微笑、专注地照镜子的神态，我就想这一定是她心情最愉快的时刻。
Watching her doing her face was strange, even though I had been watching her do it since I was a baby. The women in books and films who made themselves up now were invariably wicked characters, like concubines. I vaguely knew something about my beloved grandmother having been a concubine, but I was learning to live with contradictory thoughts and realities, and getting used to compartmentalizing them. When I went out shopping with my grandmother, I began to realize that she was different from other people, with her makeup, no matter how discreet, and the flowers in her hair. People noticed her.
虽然我自幼就看她梳妆打扮，但每次都觉得新鲜。画里、电影里常把爱打扮的女人称作是“坏女人”，如“姨太太”之类。我隐隐听说我亲爱的姥姥也曾是“姨太太”，但我此时已习惯于脑子里装满各种矛盾的说法和想法，学会让它们“和平共处”，各不相扰。当我陪姥姥上街购物时，我看得出她的打扮不论是多么谨慎细微，都有点与众不同。
She walked proudly, her figure erect, with a restrained self-consciousness.
姥姥总是惹人注目，而她挺直着腰走路，有点不自然，又有点得意。
She could get away with it because she lived in the compound. If she had been living outside, she would have fallen under one of the residents' committees, which supervised the lives of any adult who did not have a job and so did not belong to a work unit. The committees usually contained retired men and old housewives, and some of them became notorious for minding other people's business and throwing their weight around. Had my grandmother been under one of these, she would have received disapproving hints or open criticism. But the compound had no committee. She did have to go to a meeting once a week with other parents-in-law and maids and nannies from the compound, to be told about Party policies, but she was mainly left alone. Actually, she enjoyed the meetings; they were a chance to chat with the other women and she always came home beaming with the latest gossip.
因为她生活在省委大院内，所以没什么麻烦，如果姥姥住在寻常街道上，她就会在居委会管辖之下，像其他没有工作单位的人一样。居委会负责人主要是些退休者，家庭妇女，有的人喜欢管闲事，耍耍权。我姥姥要是受他们管，可能会遭到指指戳戳的非议。省委大院里没有居委会，她只每星期去开一次会。和别家的丈母娘、老太太、保姆在一起，听读文件，只此而已。姥姥挺喜欢开这些会，去那里她可以跟别的女人们聊天，回家时往往眉飞色舞。
Politics invaded my life more and more after I went to middle school in the autumn of 1964. On our first day we were told we should thank Chairman Mao for being there, because his 'class line' had been applied to our year's enrollment. Mao had accused schools and universities of having taken in too many children of the bourgeoisie. Now, he had instructed, priority should be given to sons and daughters of 'good backgrounds' (chu-shen hao). This meant having workers, peasants, soldiers, or Party officials as parents, particularly as fathers. The application of this 'class-line' criterion to the whole society meant that one's lot was more than ever determined by one's family and the accident of birth.
当我在1964年秋季上中学时，生活中的政治气氛更浓了。入学的头一天，我们就被灌输要感谢毛主席，提倡“阶级路线”，我们才能顺利入学。毛泽东指责中学、大学偏重资产阶级子弟，现在“家庭出身好”的孩子要有入学优先权了，也就是说小孩的双亲，特别是父亲要是工人、农民、军人或干部。“阶级路线”使一个人生在什么家庭更加重要了。
However, the status of a family was often ambiguous: a worker might once have been employed in a Kuomintang office; a clerk did not belong to any category; an intellectual was an 'undesirable," but what if he was a Party member?
然而，“家庭出身”的划分本身并不精确。比如说：一位工人很可能一度是国民党的雇员；职员又是属于哪个阶级呢？知识分子好像总有点问题，但如果是共产党员又怎么办呢？
How should the children of such parents be classified?
应该怎么对待这些人的孩子呢？
Many enrollment officers decided to play it safe, which meant giving preference to children whose parents were Party officials. They constituted half the pupils in my class.
许多招生干部决定走一条稳妥的路，把优先权让给共产党干部的孩子，因此我的同班同学有一半以上来自干部家庭。
My new school, the Number Four Middle School, was the leading key school for the whole province and took students with the highest marks in the all-Sichuan entrance exams. In previous years, entrance had been decided solely on the basis of exam results. In my year, exam marks and family background were equally important.
我的中学是一所全省重点中学——成都四中，它收录省内的统一考试中分数最高的学生。前些年，入学资格完全取决于考试分数，到了我们这一年，考试成绩和家庭背景都同样重要了。
In the two exam papers, I got 100 percent for math and an unusual 100 percent 'plus' for Chinese. My father had constantly drummed it into me that I should not rely on my parents' name, and I did not like the suggestion that the 'class line' had helped me get into the school. But I soon thought no more about it. If this was what Chairman Mao said, it must be good.
入学考试有两门：数学和语文。我的数学得了满分100分，语文得了个不寻常的130分。由于我父亲常在我们耳边叮咛：不该靠父母地位，要靠真本事。因此我听说上四中靠“阶级路线”，觉得十分不服气，但是我没有多想，只要是毛主席的话就准错不了。
It was in this period that 'high officials' children' (gaogan zi-dO became almost a stratum of their own. They developed an air which identified them unmistakably as members of an elite group, exuding an awareness of powerful backing and untouchability. Many high officials' children now grew more arrogant and haughty than ever, and from Mao downward concern was constantly being expressed about their behavior. It became a recurrent theme in the press. All this only reinforced the idea that they were a special group.
就是在这段时期，“高干子弟”开始形成一个特殊阶级。他们具有某种特殊气质，让人一望而知“血统高贵”，有来头，碰不得，不少“高干子弟”变得比以前更高傲。从毛泽东起，全国上下都担心这些人的行为。报刊上也时常讨论高干子弟问题，但越是担心，越讨论，就越使他们引人注目，显出他们与众不同。
My father frequently warned us against this air and against forming cliques with other children of high officials. The result was that I had few friends, as I seldom met children from any other background. When I did come into contact with them, I found we had been so conditioned by the importance of family background and the lack of shared experience that we seemed to have little in common with each other.
我父亲常告诫我们脑袋里不要想自己是什么高干子弟，也不要只跟高干子弟玩，我又少有机会和其他家庭背景的孩子们接触，家庭背景的重要使得大家相互接近他们都不自然；彼此又缺乏共同经历，也不投机。就这样，我的朋友很少。
When I entered the new school two teachers came to see my parents to ask which foreign language they wanted me to learn. They chose English rather than Russian, which was the only other option. The teachers also wanted to know whether I was going to take physics or chemistry in my first year. My parents said they would leave that up to the school.
入四中后，有两位老师专门来家拜访，问我父母要我学哪种外语，英语还是俄语，我父母选择了英语。当问到我第一学期要学物理还是化学时，我父母说让老师决定好了。
I loved the school from the moment I walked in. It had an imposing gate with a broad roof of blue tiles and carved caves. A flight of stone stairs led up to it, and the loggia was supported by six red-timber columns. Symmetrical rows of dark-green cypresses enhanced the atmosphere of solemnity leading into the interior.
我一跨入校门就爱上了这里：古色古香的大门，蓝色琉璃瓦大屋顶，精雕细琢的屋檐。门前一级石阶，门廊由六根朱红大木柱支撑。进门是两排整齐的柏树，一直通向内院，加强了肃穆的气氛。
The school had been founded in 14 18 BC. It was the first school set up by a local government in China. At its center was a magnificent temple, formerly dedicated to Confucius. It was well preserved, but was not functioning as a temple any longer. Inside were half a dozen ping-pong tables, separated by the massive columns. In front of the carved doors, down a long flight of stairs, lay extensive grounds designed to provide a majestic approach to the temple. A two-story teaching block had been erected, which cut off the grounds from a brook crossed by three little arched bridges, with sculptures of miniature lions and other animals sitting on their sandstone edges. Beyond the bridges was a beautiful garden surrounded by peaches and plane trees. Two giant bronze incense burners were set at the bottom of the stairs in front of the temple, although there was no longer any blue smoke curling up and lingering in the air above them. The grounds on the sides of the temple had been converted into basketball and volleyball courts. Farther along were two lawns where we used to sit or lie in spring and enjoy the sun during lunch breaks.
这所学校始建于汉景帝来年(公元141年)，由蜀郡太守文翁所建，是中国第一所地方政府开办的学堂。校园正中是一座宏大堂皇的孔庙，保存得很好，只是目前挪作它用，安装了十几张乒乓桌在庙内，由大柱子隔开。孔庙正门前面有一条巨石组成的阶梯通往大广场，使人走向孔庙时会产生一种敬仰的感觉。不远处是一座两层教学大楼，把广场和一条小渠分开，渠上有三座拱型小石桥，石栏杆上雕着狮子和其他动物。小石桥再过去是桃、李、梧桐环绕的美丽花园。孔庙正面石阶下有两个巨大的青铜香炉，不过已不再有青烟冉冉。孔庙前的广场成了篮球场和排球场，往外去是两块草坪。春季午饭后，我们爱在这里坐着、躺着，懒洋洋地晒太阳。
Behind the temple was another lawn, beyond which lay a big orchard at the foot of a small hill covered with trees, vines, and herbs.
孔庙后面是一片草坪，草坪之外是果园，紧连着布满藤蔓、青草和矮树丛的“后山”。
Dotted around were laboratories where we studied biology and chemistry, learned to use microscopes, and dissected dead animals. In the lecture theaters, we watched teaching films. For after-school activities, I joined the biology group which strolled around the hill and the back garden with the teacher learning the names and characteristics of the different plants. There were temperature controlled breeding cases for us to observe how tadpoles and ducklings broke out of their eggs. In spring, the school was a sea of pink because of all the peach trees. But what I liked most was the two-story library, built in the traditional Chinese style. The building was encircled on both floors by loggias, and the outside of these was enclosed by a row of gorgeously painted seats which were shaped like wings.
实验室分散在校园各处。我们在里面做生物、化学实验，学习用显微镜或解剖动物的尸体。我们在阶梯教室里看教学片，我还参加课外生物小组，跟着老师爬上后山，走进花园，学习辨识各类植物。我们通过控温孵化箱，观察卵蛋如何变成蝌蚪和小鸭。春天校园是一片粉红色的花海，桃花满树。但我最喜欢的是传统中国式建筑的图书馆，两层楼都有凉廊环绕，靠外是一圈栏杆又是椅子，油漆鲜艳，向外斜伸出去，叫做“飞来椅”。
I had a favorite corner in these 'wing seats' (fei-lai-yi) where I used to sit for hours reading, occasionally stretching my arm out to touch the fan-shaped leaves of a rare ginkgo tree. There was a pair of them outside the front gate of the library, towering and elegant. They were the only sight that could distract me from my books.
我有个最喜爱的角落，我常坐在这里看书，一坐就是好几个小时，只有近在咫尺的两棵稀罕的银杏树会使我分心。它们像两位高贵、优雅的树中君子，翩翩摇着小扇般的叶子，总让我想摸一摸。
My clearest memory is of my teachers. They were the best in their field; many were grade one, or special grade.
我印象最深刻的是老师们，他们都是各个学术领域的佼佼者，不是特级就是一级教师。
Their classes were sheer joy, and I could never have enough of them.
听他们讲课是十足的享受，往往下课铃响，我仍兴味盎然不想离开。
But more and more political indoctrination was creeping into school life. Gradually, morning assembly became devoted to Mao's teachings, and special sessions were instituted in which we read Party documents. Our Chineselanguage textbook now contained more propaganda and less classical literature, and politics, which mainly consisted of works by Mao, became part of' the curriculum.
但是政治已渐渐渗进校园。朝会变成了毛泽东思想的灌输大会，还有定期的学习会，阅读宣传资料和报刊社论等。我们的中文课多了政治文章，少了古典文学。学习毛泽东著作的政治课成了必修课。
Almost every activity became politicized. One day at morning assembly the headmaster told us we were going to do eye exercises. He said Chairman Mao had observed that there were too many schoolchildren wearing spectacles, a sign that they had hurt their eyes by working too hard. He had ordered something to be done about it. We were all terribly moved by his concern. Some of us wept with gratitude. We started doing eye exercises for fifteen minutes every morning. A set of movements had been devised by doctors and set to music. After rubbing various points around our eyes, we all stared intently at the rows of poplars and willows outside the window. Green was supposed to be a restful color. As I enjoyed the comfort the exercises and the leaves brought me, I thought of Mao and repledged my loyalty to him.
几乎所有的事都被政治化了。一天，在朝会上校长宣布以后每天课间十五分钟做眼部保健操，说这是毛主席对我们的一片关心，因为他老人家看到许多学生戴眼镜。我们听到后个个心情激动，有人还哭起来。眼部保健操是医生们设计的，我们合着音乐节拍用手指按揉眼眶周围的穴位，然后凝视窗外的白杨或柳树，因为绿色有助于消除眼睛疲劳。每当做完操，看完叶子，我觉得很舒服，于是感谢毛主席，发誓要忠于他。
A repeated theme was that we must not allow China to 'change color," which meant going from Communist to capitalist. The split between China and the Soviet Union, which had been kept secret at first, had burst into the open in early 1963. We were told that since Khrushchev had come to power after the death of Stalin in 1953 the Soviet Union had surrendered to international capitalism, and that Russian children had been reduced to suffering and misery again, just like Chinese children under the Kuomintang. One day, after warning us for the umpteenth time against the road taken by Russia, our politics teacher said: "If you aren't careful, our country will change color gradually, first from bright red to faded red, then to gray, then to black." It so happened that the Sichuan expression 'faded red' had exactly the same pronunciation (er-hong) as my name.
有一个反复宣传的主题是防止中国“变色”，意思是防止中国变成资本主义。中国和苏联之间的意识形态已有分歧，刚开始时对公众秘而不宣，到了1963年初爆发成公开论战。我们听说，自从斯大林在1953年死后，赫鲁晓夫掌握了权力，苏联向国际资本主义阵营投降，苏联孩子重新过着悲惨的生活，就像在国民党统治下的孩子一样。有一天，我们的政治课老师又讲到苏联时说：“如果我们不警惕，我们的国家就会逐渐变色，从鲜红鲜红的，变成二红二红的，再变灰，最后变黑。”这时全班同学都笑了起来，有的还偷偷看我，因为我的名字“二鸿”与“二红”同音。
My classmates giggled, and I could see them stealing glances at me. I felt I must get rid of my name immediately. That evening I begged my father to give me another name. He suggested Zhang, meaning both 'prose' and 'coming into one's own early," which expressed his desire for me to become a good writer at a young age.
当天晚上，我要爸爸给我取个新名字。他建议改为“张章”意为“文章”和“立早”，表示他希望我能在年纪轻轻时就成为一名好作家。
But I did not want the name. I told my father that I wanted 'something with a military ring to it." Many of my friends had changed their names to incorporate the characters meaning 'army' or 'soldier." My father's choice reflected his classical learning. My new name, Jung (pronounced "Yung'), was a very old and recondite word for 'martial affairs' which appeared only in classical poetry and a few antiquated phrases. It evoked an image of bygone battles between knights in shining armor, with tasseled spears and neighing steeds. When I turned up at school with my new name even some teachers could not recognize the character $1.
但我不喜欢这个名字，我说我要个有“军事味的”。那时，我有些朋友已改了名字，叫“军”、“兵”什么的。我父亲选的字展露他的古文学识，我得名“戎”，“武装”的意思，这个字除了古诗和成语之外，已不在别的地方出现了。它给人的意思是身披铠甲的古代武士，手持长矛，足跨千里马，驰骋于刀光剑影的疆场。当我带着新名字回到学校时，甚至有些老师也不认识这个“戎”字。
At this time Mao had called on the country to go from learning from Lei Feng to learning from the army. Under the defense minister, Lin Biao, who had succeeded Marshal Peng Dehuai in 1959, the army had become the trailblazer for the cult of Mao. Mao also wanted to regimentalize the nation even more. He had just written a well-publicized poem exhorting women to 'doff feminini~ and don military attire." We were told that the Americans were waiting for a chance to invade and reinstate the Kuomintang, and that in order to defeat an invasion by them Lei Feng had trained day and night to overcome his weak physique and become a champion hand-grenade thrower.
我要军事味的名字是因为毛泽东号召全国学解放军。林彪于1959年接替彭德怀元帅当国防部长后，解放军成为崇拜毛泽东的开路先锋。毛泽东也想使整个中国军事化，他在不久前还写了一首诗，要女人“不爱红装爱武装”。我们得知美国人正在等待时机入侵中国，恢复国民党政权，为了抵抗美国和国民党入侵，人人都得加强军事训练。据说雷锋就是日夜苦练臂力，终于成为一名优秀的手榴弹投掷手。
Physical training suddenly assumed vital importance.
There was compulsory running, swimming, high jumping, working out on parallel bars, shot-punning, and throwing wooden hand grenades. In addition to the two hours of sports per week, forty-five minutes of after-school sports now became obligatory.
体育一下子变得非同小可，短跑、游泳、跳高、平衡本、体操以及掷铅球和模拟手榴弹，统统非做不可。除了每星期两小时专门的体育课外，四十五分钟课外运动也由自愿变成必须。
I had always been hopeless at sports, and hated them, except tennis. Previously this had not mannered, but now it took on a political connotation, with slogans like: "Build up a strong physique to defend our motherland." Unfortunately, my aversion to sports was increased by this pressure. When I tried to swim, I always had a mental picture of being pursued by invading Americans to the bank of a surging river. As I could not swim, my only choice was between being drowned or being captured and tortured by the Americans. Fear gave me frequent cramps in the water, and once I thought I was drowning in the swimming pool.
我天生没有运动细胞，除了打网球外，对跑跑跳跳总是退避三舍。在以前这不是什么问题，但现在到处是标语：“锻炼身体，保卫祖国”。一和政治挂钩，事情变严重了。可惜我压力越大，运动越糟。下水游泳时，我老想到自己正被入侵的美国兵追赶，逃到一条波涛汹涌的江边，我不会游泳，所以要么淹死，要么被抓住受拷打，结果吓得我在水里直抽筋。有一次，我不小心走到深水处，一脚踩不到底就以为自己要死在游泳池里了。
In spite of compulsory swimming every week during the summer, I never managed to learn to swim all the time I lived in China.
虽然在夏天每个星期都有游泳训练，我却从来没能学会。
Hand-grenade throwing was also regarded as very important, for obvious reasons. I was always at the bottom of the class. I could only throw the wooden hand grenades we practised with a couple of yards. I felt that my classmates were questioning my resolve to fight the US imperialists. Once at our weekly political meeting somebody commented on my persistent failure at hand-grenade throwing. I could feel the eyes of the class boring into me like needles, as if to say: "You are a lackey of the Americans!" The next morning I went and stood in a corner of the sports field, with my arms held out in front of me and a couple of bricks in each hand. In Lei Feng's diary, which I had learned by heart, I had read that this was how he had toughened up his muscles to throw hand grenades.
掷手榴弹显然非常重要，可惜我总落在全班最后，木头手相弹我最多只能投几码远。我心虚地觉得同学们都在怀疑我对美帝国主义战斗的决心。果然，在一天政治学习会上，有同学问我为什么手榴弹老是掷不远。众目睽睽之下，我如坐针毡，觉得这些目光都在说我是美帝国主义的走狗。第二天，我起了个大早，躲在操场一角，两臂平肩抬起，每只手上各拿两块砖头，这也是从《雷锋日记》如法炮制来的，雷锋就是这样锻炼臂力成了掷弹能手。
After a few days, by which time my upper arms were red and swollen, I gave up, and whenever I was handed the wooden chunk, I became so nervous that my hands shook uncontrollably.
几天辛苦下来，我的手臂又红又肿，看来真是朽木不可雕，我只好灰心丧气地放弃了。从此以后，只要一拿手榴弹，我的两手就不听使唤地抖。
One day in 1965, we were suddenly told to go out and start removing all the grass from the lawns. Mao had instructed that grass, flowers, and pets were bourgeois habits and were to be eliminated. The grass in the lawns at our school was of a type I have not seen anywhere outside China. Its name in Chinese means 'bound to the ground." It crawls all over the hard surface of the earth and spreads thousands of roots which drill down into the soil like claws of steel. Underground they open up and produce further roots which shoot out in every direction.
1965年的一天，突然传来命令，要我们拔草坪上的草。毛泽东认为，栽花种草和饲养宠物是资产阶级的恶习，要清除。学校草坪上的那种草后来我在世界各国都没有见过。我们叫它“爬地草”。它爬遍泥地表面，千千万万钢爪的根扎入地里，四下伸展，互相缠绕，形成地面和地下两个网络，又紧紧捆绑在一起，仿佛一团乱麻似的铁丝绞进泥土。倒楣的是我的手指，每次拔完草下来，就布满了又深又长的血口子。学校发下锄头和铁铲进行歼灭，但一场春风，一阵细雨，它们就又绿了大地，我们又得重新开战。
In no time there are two networks, one aboveground and one below ground which intertwine and cling to the earth, like knotted metal wires that have been nailed into the ground. Often the only casualties were my fingers, which always ended up with deep, long cuts. It was only when they were attacked with hoes and spades that some of the root systems went, reluctantly. But any fragment left behind would make a triumphant comeback after even a slight rise in temperature or a gentle drizzle, and we would have to go into battle all over again.
Flowers were much easier to deal with, but they went with even more difficulty, because no one wanted to remove them. Mao had attacked flowers and grass several times before, saying that they should be replaced by cab bales and cotton. But only now was he able to generate enough pressure to get his order implemented but only~ up to a point. People loved their plants, and some flowerbeds survived Mao's campaign.
花倒是容易对付，但消灭它们一样难——没有人愿意做。毛泽东早就对养花种草发过几次异议了，他还选择了替代物——白菜和棉花。但只有到现在，他的指示才得到实施。不过，老百姓太爱他们的花了，许多花坛还是保留下来。
I was extremely sad to see the lovely plants go. But I did not resent Mao. On the contrary, I hated myself for feeling miserable. By then I had grown into the habit of self criticism and automatically blamed myself for any instincts that went against Mao's instructions. In fact, such feelings frightened me. It was out of the question to discuss them with anyone. Instead, I tried to suppress them and acquire the correct way of thinking. I lived in a state of constant self-accusation.
我对铲除花草也感到十分难过，但是我并不怪毛主席，反责备自己不该有这种“小资产阶级”情调。那时，我已养成“自我批评”的习惯，不断压抑自己与毛泽东指示相违背的任何一点想法。在心里，这些想法还使我害怕，又不敢跟别人谈。我时时压制这些情绪，努力要自己“端正”思想，我经常生活在不断的自责之中。
Such self-examination and self-criticism were a feature of Mao's China. You would become a new and better person, we were told. But all this introspection was really designed to serve no other purpose than to create a people who had no thoughts of their own.
像这样的自我检讨是毛泽东治下的中国的特殊现象，仿佛这样做我们的社会就能变得更新、更好。(此处删去一句)
The religious aspect of the Mao cult would not have been possible in a traditionally secular society like China had there not been impressive economic achievements.
如果没有在经济方面的惊人成就，这种崇拜毛泽东的宗教情绪在中国这样的一个传统世俗社会里是不可能成功的。
The country had made a stunning recovery from the famine, and the standard of living was improving dramatically. In Chengdu, although rice was still rationed, there was plenty of meat, poultry, and vegetables. Winter melons, turnips, and eggplants were piled up on the pavements outside the shops because there was not enough space to store them. They were left outside overnight, and almost nobody took them; the shops were giving them away for a pittance. Eggs, once so precious, sat rotting in large baskets there were too many of them. Only a few years before it had been hard to find a single peach now peach eating was being promoted as 'patriotic," and officials went around to people's homes and tried to persuade them to take peaches for next to nothing.
饥荒过后，中国迅速复原过来，生活水准大幅度提高。在成都，虽然米仍然定量供应，但肉类、蛋、蔬菜都很充足。冬瓜、萝卜、茄子等在菜店内堆不下，就在门外人行道上堆积如山，夜间也无人看守，没人来偷，因为便宜到几分钱就可以买一大堆。一度珍贵的鸡蛋现在在店里成筐成筐地变质腐烂。几年前，市面上还一个桃子也看不见，现在买桃子算“爱国”，干部们挨家挨户要居民买“爱国桃”，非常便宜，几乎白送。
There were a number of success stories which boosted the nation's pride. In October 1964 China exploded its first atomic bomb. This was given huge publicity and touted as a demonstration of the country's scientific and industrial achievement, particularly in relation to 'standing up to imperialist bullies." The explosion of the atomic bomb coincided with the ousting of Khrushchev, which was presented as proof that Mao was right again. In 1964 France recognized China at full ambassadorial level, the first leading Western nation to do so. This was received with rapture inside China as a major victory over the United States, which was refusing to acknowledge China's rightful place in the world.
还有一些成就，也大大增强了中国人的民族自尊。1964年10月，中国引爆了第一颗原子弹，这件事在报刊、广播上大为宣传，说它显示了国家在科技和工业方面的长足进步，有能力和欺凌弱小的帝国主义者相抗衡了。正巧，赫鲁晓夫下台，成了毛泽东英明伟大的证明。1964年，法国作为第一个西方大国承认中国，建立了大使级外交关系，这被欢呼成是对美国的一大胜利，因为美国仍拒绝承认中国在世界上的地位。
In addition, there was no general political persecution, and people were relatively content. All the credit was given to Mao. Although the very top leaders knew what Mao's real contribution was, the people were kept completely in the dark. Over the years I composed passionate eulogies thanking Mao for all his achievements and pledging my undying loyalty to him.
另外，这段时间没有全国性的政治运动，人们心满意足。当然把所有的成就都归功于毛泽东，只有中央高级领导阶层心里明白毛泽东实际上的贡献有多少。(此处删去一句)在那几年里，我写了不少满腔热情的颂词，感谢毛泽东的领导，不断宣誓永远忠于他。
I was thirteen in 1965. On the evening of I October that year, the sixteenth anniversary of the founding of the People's Republic, there was a big fireworks display on the square in the center of Chengdu. To the north of the square was the gate to an ancient imperial palace, which had recently been restored to its third-century grandeur, when Chengdu was the capital of a kingdom and a prosperous warlord city. The gate was very similar to the Gate of Heavenly Peace in Peking, now the entrance to the Forbidden City, except for its color: it had sweeping green tiled roofs and gray walls. Under the glazed roof of the pavilion stood enormous dark-red pillars. The balustrades were made of white marble. I was standing behind them with my family and the Sichuan dignitaries on a reviewing stand enjoying the festival atmosphere and waiting for the fireworks to begin. Below in the square 50,000 people were singing and dancing. Bang. t Bang.t The signals for the fireworks went off a few yards from where I stood. In an instant, the sky was a garden of spectacular shapes and colors, a sea of wave after wave of brilliance. The music and noise rose from below the imperial gate to join in the sumptuousness. After a while, the sky was clear for a few seconds. Then a sudden explosion brought out a gorgeous blossom, followed by the unfurling of a long, vast, silky hanging. It stretched itself in the middle of the sky, swaying gently in the autumn breeze. In the light over the square, the characters on the hanging were shining: "Long Live Our Great Leader Chairman Mao!" Tears sprang to my eyes.
1965年，我十三岁那年，中华人民共和国成立十六周年。10月1日夜晚，成都市人民南路广场上举行了一场盛大的烟火庆祝晚会。广场的北面是一座建于公元三世纪的皇宫城楼，那时成都是蜀汉的首都，四面城墙环绕，已是个繁荣的城市了。城中刚被修复一新的城楼，显得富丽堂皇，很像北京的天安门，不过颜色不尽一样，绿色的琉璃瓦大屋顶下是灰色的城墙。白色大理石栏杆围着的城楼楼台上耸立着深红色立柱，此时作观礼台用。我和全家人及四川省的高官和家属们正站在城楼上，享受节日气氛，等待烟火晚会开始。下面的广场上聚集了五万名群众，唱歌、跳舞。“砰！砰！”放烟火的信号枪在我身旁几码处发射，顿时天空变成了绚丽的火树银花，变成了一波接一波五彩缤纷的海洋。人们的欢叫声与烟火声此起彼落，一派喜气洋洋。突然，天空无声无色了几秒钟，随后无数束烟火蓦然腾空而起，像天女散花般在夜空几乎同时爆开，只见一条系在气球上的长而奇大的白绸带标语从半空中飘飘而下。广场上的火光照亮了上面的大字：“伟大领袖毛主席万岁！”
"How lucky, how incredibly lucky I am to be living in the great era of Mao Zedong!" I kept saying to myself.
我顿时热泪夺眶而出，一遍遍对自己说：“能生活在伟大的毛泽东时代，我实在太幸福了！”
"How can children in the capitalist world go on living without being near Chairman Mao, and without the hope of ever seeing him in person?" I wanted to do something for them, to rescue them from their plight. I made a pledge to myself there and then to work hard to build a stronger China, in order to support a world revolution. I needed to work hard to be entitled to see Chairman Mao, too. That was the purpose of my Life.
我不明白资本主义世界的孩子们没有毛主席怎么办？而且他们还没有希望亲眼看见他！我直想把这些可怜的孩子救出苦海，当场下定决心要努力工作，建设强大的中国，支援世界革命。此外，努力工作还有个更重要的目的——当上劳动模范去北京见毛主席，这是我生活的目标。