17 "Do You Want Our Children to Become Blacks"
十七 “你要我们的孩子变成黑五类吗？”
——My Parents' Dilemma (August-October 1966)
——父母进退两难(1966年8月—10月)
Home was no relief this time. My parents seemed distracted, and hardly noticed me. When Father was not pacing up and down the apartment, he was shut in his study.
但是家已不再是避风港。父母显得心事重重，几乎没注意到我。父亲不是在房间里踱来踱去，就是把自己关在书房里。
Mother threw one waste basketful of crushed paper balls after another into the kitchen stove. My grandmother also looked as though she was expecting disaster. Her intense eyes were fixed on my parents, full of anxiety. Timorously, I watched their moods, too afraid to ask what was wrong.
母亲不时地走进厨房，拿着塞得满满的字纸篓，把成团的稿纸往炉里塞。姥姥看上去好像预感到大祸临头，焦虑的眼神直跟着他们转。我提心吊胆地观察着大人的情绪，又不敢问。
My parents did not tell me about a conversation they had had some evenings before. They had been sitting by an open window, outside which a loudspeaker tied to a street lamp was blasting out endless quotations of Mao's, particularly one about all revolutions being violent by definition - 'the savage tumult of one class overthrowing another." The quotations were chanted again and again in a high pitched shriek that roused fear and, for some, excitement. Every now and then there were announcements of 'victories' achieved by Red Guards: they had raided more homes of 'class enemies' and 'smashed their dogs' heads."
父母亲没有告诉我几天前他们的一次谈话。他们坐在临街的窗前，不远处的电线杆上架着扩音器，不停地呼喊毛泽东语录，特别是那句：“革命是暴动，是一个阶级推翻另一个阶级的暴烈的行动。”这些翻来覆去的叫声挑起了人们害怕的情绪，也掀起了某些人兴奋的情绪。扩音器还不时宣传红卫兵取得的胜利成果：他们又抄了多少“阶级敌人”的家，砸烂了多少“反革命狗头”。
My father had been looking out at the blazing sunset.
He turned to my mother and said slowly: "I don't understand the Cultural Revolution. But I am certain that what is happening is terribly wrong. This revolution cannot be justified by any Marxist or Communist principles. People have lost their basic rights and protection. This is unspeakable. I am a Communist, and I have a duty to stop a worse disaster. I must write to the Party leadership, to Chairman Mao."
父亲当时若有所思地望着窗外血红的夕阳，良久，他才转身对着母亲慢慢地说：“我无法理解文化大革命，但我相信现在所发生的事完全是错的，这不是马克思主义，人们连最基本的权利和保障都没有了，简直不堪设想。我是个共产党员，我有责任要阻止这一场灾难，我要写信给党中央，给毛主席。”
In China there was virtually no channel through which people could voice a grievance, or influence policy, except appealing to the leaders. In this particular case, only Mao could change the situation. Whatever Father thought, or guessed, about Mao's role, the only thing he could do was to petition him.
在中国，除了向领导者上诉外，几乎没有其他反映民情、影响政策的渠道。现在又只有毛泽东可以改变局势，因而父亲只能向毛泽东上书。
My mother's experience told her that complaining was extremely dangerous. People who had done it, and their families, had suffered vicious retribution. She was silent for a long time, staring out over the distant burning sky, trying to control her worry, anger, and frustration.
母亲的经验告诉她，这样做非常危险。过去上书的人大多受到打击报复，还累及全家。但她一声不响，两眼盯着远处被夕阳染红的天空，竭力压抑自己既担心又生气又有怨说不清的复杂情感。最后，她说，“你这不是飞蛾扑火，自取灭亡吗？”
"Why do you want to be a moth that throws itself into the fire?" she said at last.
My father replied, "This is no ordinary fire. It concerns the life and death of so many people. I must do something this time."
父亲答道：“这是场不寻常的大火，不知又会有多少人要遭殃了，我不能眼睁睁地看着火烧。”
My mother said, with exasperation, "All right, you don't care about yourself. You have no concern for your wife. I accept that. But what about our children? You know what will happen to them once you get into trouble. Do you want our children to become "blacks"?"
母亲提高了嗓门，满是怨气地说：“好吧，好吧！你不要你的命了，你也不管你的妻子，这我知道。但是，你想过我们的孩子没有？你要是倒了楣，他们就是‘狗崽子’。你要我们的孩子变成‘黑五类’吗？”
My father said thoughtfully, as though he were trying to persuade himself, "Every man loves his children. You know that before a tiger is about to jump and kill, he always looks back and makes sure that his cub is all right. Even a man-eating beast feels that way, let alone a human being. But a Communist has to be more than that. He has to think about other children. What about the children of the victims?"
父亲沉思了一会儿，说话了，像在对自己说：“没有人不爱自己的子女，‘知否兴风狂啸者，回头犹看小於菟’。吃人的野兽尚且如此，何况人乎？但是共产党员不比一般人，还要想想别人的孩子。这么多被整的人，他们的孩子怎么办呢？”
My mother stood up and walked away. It was no use.
母亲站起来，走开了。她知道父亲已打定主意，再劝也没用。
Once she was on her own, she wept bitterly.
她独自一人时，才抽泣起来。
Father began to write his letter, tearing up draft after draft. He had always been a perfectionist, and a letter to Chairman Mao was no small matter. Not only did he have to formulate exactly what he wanted to say, he had to try to minimize the potential consequences, particularly to his family. In other words, his criticism must not be seen as a criticism. He could not afford to offend Mao.
父亲开始写信了。他一遍遍地打草稿，又揉成团重写。他平时就认真得很，一个字、一个标点都要推敲半天，现在写这封信给毛泽东，更是非同小可，不仅要准确地表达他想说的话，还得小心翼翼地措辞，尽可能减少潜在的，特别是可能祸及全家的后果。换句话说，他的批评不能叫人看出是批评，他得罪不起毛泽东。
Father had begun thinking about his letter in June. Waves of scapegoating had claimed several of his colleagues, and he wanted to speak up for them. But events had kept overtaking his plans. Among other things, there had been more and more signs that he was about to become a victim himself. One day, my mother saw a prominent wall poster in the center of Chengdu attacking him by name, calling him 'the number-one opponent of the Cultural Revolution in Sichuan." This was based on two accusations: the previous winter he had resisted printing the article denouncing the Dramas of the Ming Mandarin, which was Mao's original summons for the Cultural Revolution; and he had drafted the "April Document," which opposed persecution and attempted to limit the Cultural Revolution to non-political debate.
父亲早在6月份就开始考虑写这封信，那时省里抛替罪羊的浪潮已经掀翻了几位他的同事，从那时起，越来越多的迹象显示，他自己也将要成为替罪羊。一天，我母亲在市中心一个显眼处看到一张大字报，上面指名道姓说我父亲是四川省文化大革命的头号反对派。大字报上面主要批评的是两件事：一是去年冬天他抵制发表姚文元的“评新编历史剧《海瑞罢官》”，而此文是毛泽东发动文革的号角；二是他起草《四月意见》，力图把文革局限在纯学术讨论范围里，“转移斗争大方向”。
When my mother told my father about the poster, he said at once that it was the doing of the provincial Party leaders. The two things it accused him of were known only to a small circle at the top. Father felt convinced that they had now made up their minds to scapegoat him, and he knew why. Students from universities in Chengdu were beginning to direct their offensive at the provincial leaders.
当我母亲告诉父亲这张大字报时，他马上说这一定是省委领导指使的，因为这两件事只有省上少数几个领导知道。我父亲据此相信这些人已打定主意抛他出来做替罪羊了，当时成都各大学的学生开始把斗争矛头指向省上的领导人，中央文革小组转达给大学生的讯息比中学生多，他们告诉大学生说毛泽东真正目的是“打倒党内走资本主义道路的当权派”——共产党内握有权力的干部。
University students were entrusted with more information by the Cultural Revolution Authority than middle-school pupils, and had been told that Mao's real intention was to destroy the 'capitalist-roaders' that is, Communist officials. The students were generally not high officials' children, as most Communist officials had married only after the founding of the People's Republic in 1949 anti so did not have children of university age. Having no vested interest in the status quo, the students were happy to turn on the officials.
大学生中高干子弟少，因为大多数共产党干部是在人民共和国成立后才结婚的，他们的孩子此时还不到上大学的年龄。所以大学生不必“保爹保娘”，乐意把矛头指向共产党干部。
The Sichuan authorities were outraged by the violence committed by middle-school children, but the university students really made them panic. They felt they had to find a prominent scapegoat to placate the students. My father was one of the top officials in the field of 'culture," which was a major target of the Cultural Revolution. He had a reputation for insisting on his principles. At a time when they needed unanimity and obedience, they felt they could do without him.
四川省的权力核心虽然已被中学生无法无天的暴力行动弄得昏头转向，但大学生们的进攻才真正使他们心惊胆颜。他们觉得必须抛出一个够份量的替罪羊来安抚大学生。我父亲是四川文化领域负责人之一，这个领域是文化大革命的主要攻击目标，而且他向来以按自己的原则行事而闻名。此刻正逢大家最需要全体一致服从时，他们觉得最好能把这个不听话的人打哑。
Father's predicament was soon confirmed. On 26 August he was asked to attend a meeting for the students of Sichuan University, the most prestigious university in the province. They had been attacking the chancellor and the senior staff, and were now raising their sights toward the provincial Party officials. The meeting was nominally for the provincial leaders to hear the students' complaints.
父亲的预感很快得到证实。1966年8月26日，他被召去参加四川省最有声望的大学--四川大学学生所召开的一个大会。大学生已经开始批斗校长、教授、系主任等，现在矛头又指向省上领导。这次大会名义上是省上领导听取学生的批评意见，在成都市最大的“锦江大礼堂”内(那时改名“东方红”)召开。省的领导干部齐齐一排坐在台上，台下挤得满满的。
Commissar Li sat on the platform, together with the whole panoply of top Party officials. The huge auditorium, the biggest in Chengdu, was packed.
The students came to the meeting intending to make trouble, and the hall was soon in pandemonium. Students, shouting slogans and waving flags, began jumping onto the stage to try to grab the microphone. Although my father was not the chairman, it was he who was asked to bring the situation under control. While he was confronting the students, the other Party officials left.
学生们是来找碴的，大厅里的气氛不久就沸腾了起来。他们一边喊口号，挥旗帜，一边往台上冲。要抢麦克风控制会场。虽然我父亲并不是会议主持人，但是省领导却指定他控制混乱局面。当他和学生对峙时，别的领导人都一溜烟地走了。
My father shouted: "Are you intelligent students, or are you hooligans? Will you talk reason?" In general, officials in China maintain an impassive manner, in keeping with their status, but my father was yelling like one of the students. Unfortunately, his genuineness did not impress them, and he left amid much screaming of slogans.
中国官吏一般要保持一种不动声色、居高临下的威严。但我父亲却像个学生一样跟年轻人对吵，“你们到底是受过教育的学生，还是流氓？你们讲不讲道理？”可惜他的真诚、无官气并不为学生所欣赏，反而召来更多反对的口号声。事后，大字报、大标语马上攻击他“最顽固地镇压学生运动”。
Immediately afterward, huge wall posters appeared calling him 'the most obstinate capitalist-roader, the diehard who opposes the Cultural Revolution."
This meeting became a milestone. It was from it that the Red Guard group at Sichuan University took its name - 'z6 August." This organization was to become the core of a province wide bloc, incorporating millions of people, and the major force in the Cultural Revolution in Sichuan.
这次大会成了四川省文化大革命的里程碑。四川大学红卫兵组织因此得名“川大八·二六”。以后“八·二六派”成了四川省文革两支主要势力之一，成员有数百万之多。
After the meeting, the provincial authorities ordered my father not to leave our apartment under any circumstances for his own 'protection." My father could see that he had first been deliberately exposed to the students as a target, and then put under virtual house arrest. He added his own anticipated victimization to his letter to Mao. One night, with tears in his eyes, he asked my mother to take the letter to Peking now that he had lost his freedom.
就在这次会议后，省上领导规定我父亲在任何情况下都不得离家，理由是要保护他。我父亲明白他是先被故意抛给学生当靶子打，后又被软禁在家。他马上把这些遭遇加进给毛泽东的信里，一天夜晚，他流着眼泪，请求我母亲把信交到北京去，因为他已失去了自由。
My mother had never wanted him to write the letter, but now she changed her mind. What tipped the balance was the fact that he was being turned into a victim. This meant that her children would become 'blacks' and she knew what that meant. Going to Peking and appealing to the top leaders was her only chance, however remote, of saving her husband and her children. She promised to take the letter.
我母亲原先并不赞成他写信，现在却改变了主意，原因是父亲就要成了替罪羊，孩子们也要变成“黑五类”，要吃苦受罪了。不管希望有多么渺茫，到北京去申诉是救丈夫和孩子的唯一办法，她答应父亲去送信。
On the last day of August I was awakened from an uneasy nap by a noise from my parents' quarters. I tiptoed to the half-opened door of my father's study. My father was standing in the middle of the room. Several people were crowding around him. I recognized them: they were from his depa~uaent. They all looked stern, devoid of their usual eager-to-please smiles. My father was saying, "Would you please thank the provincial authorities for me? I'm very grateful for their concern. But I prefer not to go into hiding. A Communist should not be afraid of students."
8月的最后一天，父母房内的喧杂声使我从心神不定的午睡中惊醒。我踮着脚尖，悄悄走到父亲的书房门口，透过虚掩的门，我看见父亲站在正中央，几个人围着他。我认识这些人，他们是父亲宣传部里的工作人员，此刻看上去个个表情严厉，失去了平时的笑脸。我听见父亲说：“请代我感谢省委领导，感谢他们的关心。但是我不想躲起来，共产党不怕学生。”
His voice was calm, but it contained a hint of emotion which made me afraid. Then I heard a rather important sounding man's voice saying threateningly, "But Director Chang, surely the Party knows best. The university students are attacking you, and they can be violent. The Party thinks you should be placed under protection. This is the decision of the Party. You must know that a Communist has to obey Party decisions unconditionally."
他的语调虽然平静，但话里深藏的激动却使我害怕。这时一个男人大声说：“不过，张部长，你应该相信党组织。大学生会攻击你，他们不讲道理，还可能打你，党认为你应该转移到安全地方。这是党的决定，你知道共产党员要无条件服从。”
After a silence, my father said quietly, "I obey the decision of the Party. I will go with you."
一阵沉默后，才听见父亲说：“好吧！我服从党决定，我跟你们走。”
"But where to?" I heard my mother asking. Then an impatient man's voice:
此时，母亲问：“去哪里？”一个男人不耐烦地说：
"The Party's instructions are: no one is to know." When he came out of the study my father saw me and took my hand.
“党指示，不让其他人知道。”当父亲走出书房时，他看见我，就拉起我的手说：“爸爸要外出段时间，听妈妈的话，做个好孩子。”
"Father is going away for a while," he said.
"Be a good girl to your mother."
My mother and I walked with him to the side gate of the compound. The long path was lined with members of his department. My heart was pounding and my legs seemed to be made of cotton wool. Father appeared very agitated. His hand was shaking in mine. I stroked it with my other hand.
我和母亲随父亲走到楼下，朝大院门口走，沿途站着宣传部的干部。我的心怦怦乱跳，双脚就像踩在棉花堆上。父亲看上去激动不安，他握着我的手，我感觉到他在颤动。我伸出另一只手抚摩他的手背。
A car was parked outside the gate. The door was held open for him. There were two men in the car, one in front and one in the back. Mother's face was taut, but she was calm. She looked into my father's eyes and said, "Don't worry. I will do it." Without hugging me or my mother, my father was gone. The Chinese show little physical affection in public, even at extraordinary times.
门外停着一辆汽车，车门打开者，显然是在等他。车里坐着两个人，一个坐前排，一个坐后排。母亲的脸紧绷着，但看起来并不慌乱。她注视着父亲的眼睛说：“我一定去北京。”父亲没有搂我，也没有拥抱母亲，就上车去了。中国人通常不在公共场合里拥抱、亲吻，即使是在非常时刻。
I did not realize that my father was being taken into custody, because the act was dressed up as 'protection."
当时我不知道父亲被隔离了，只听说这次行动是保护他。
Being fourteen, I had not learned to decipher the regime's hypocritical style; deviousness was involved here because the authorities had not made up their minds what to do with my father. As in most such cases, the police played no role. The people who came to take my father away were members of his department with a verbal authorization from the Provincial Party Committee.
我那时才十四岁，还不懂得洞识虚伪手法。他们需要虚伪，是因为没打定主意拿我父亲怎么办。大多数像这样的带走人都不是由警察办的，来的人都是父亲部里的下属，凭的是省领导一句口头命令。
As soon as Father was gone, my mother threw a few clothes into a bag and told us she was going to Peking. My father's letter was still in draft form, with scribbles and alterations. The minute he saw the staff posse coming he had pushed it into her hand.
父亲刚一离开，母亲就把几件衣服塞进一只提包，说她要到北京去。父亲的信还是草稿，写得很潦草，满是涂改处。看见来人时，他加了几句话，就把信匆匆忙忙塞到母亲手里。
My grandmother hugged my four-year-old brother Xiao-fang and wept. I said I wanted to go with my mother to the station. There was no lime to wait for a bus, so we jumped into a tricycle taxi.
姥姥紧搂着四岁的弟弟小方哭了起来，我说我陪母亲去火车站。我们没时间等公共汽车，于是跳上一辆脚蹬三轮车。
I was fearful and confused. My mother did not explain what was happening. She looked strained and preoccupied, deep in her thoughts. When I asked her what was going on, she said briefly that I would know in time, and left it at that. I assumed she thought it was too complicated to explain, and I was used to being told I was too young to know certain things. I could also tell that my mother was busy sizing up the situation and planning her next moves, and I did not want to distract her. What I did not know was that she was battling to comprehend the confused situation herself.
我又害怕又慌乱，母亲也没向我解释前因后果。她看上去很紧张、心事重重。当我小心翼翼问她发生了什么事时，她只简短回答：到时就会明白。我想她一定是觉得太难解释清楚了，我也习惯了大人说我太小，有的事理解不了。母亲似乎在集中精神思索下一步该干什么，我也就不打搅她了。我没有看出来的是：她自己也正努力想从这团乱麻中理出头绪来。
We sat in the tricycle taxi silent and tense, my hand in hers. My mother kept glancing over her shoulder: she knew the authorities would not want her to get to Peking, and had only let me come with her so I could be a witness in case anything happened. At the station she bought a 'hard-seat' ticket for the next train to Peking. It was not due until dawn, so we sat down on a bench in the waiting room, a kind of shed with no walls.
就这样，我们沉默而紧张地坐在三轮车上，手握着手。母亲不断回头张望。她知道省上是不准她到北京去的，母亲让我陪她，就是担心可能出事，我好做个见证。到了车站，她买了张硬坐票，乘下一班车赴北京。由于第二天凌晨才发车，我们就坐在一间大棚子似的候车室板凳上过夜。
I huddled up against her to wait for the long hours to pass. Silently, we gazed at the darkness descending over the cement ground of the square in front of the station. A few feeble bare bulbs on top of wooden lampposts were shedding a pale light, reflected in the puddles of water left over from a heavy thunderstorm that morning. I felt chilly in my summer blouse. My mother wrapped her raincoat around me. As the night dragged on, she told me to go to sleep. Exhausted, I dozed off with my head on her lap.
我蜷成一团靠着她，静静挨过这漫长的一夜。车站前的水泥地广场上，有几盏没有灯罩的路灯挂在木灯杆上，发出黯淡的光，映出地面上的一滩滩积水。那天上午刚下了一场雷雨，我只穿了件衬衫，现在冷了，母亲就用她的雨衣把我包起来。夜深了，她要我睡一会儿，我太困了，头倒在她膝上就迷迷糊糊地睡着了。
I was awakened by a movement of her knees. I lifted my head and saw two people in hooded raincoats standing in front of us. They were arguing about something in low voices. In my muddled state, I could not work out what they were saying. I could not even tell whether they were men or women. I vaguely heard my mother say, in a calm, restrained voice, "I will shout for the Red Guards." The gray-hooded raincoats fell silent. They whispered to each other and then walked away, obviously not wanting to attract attention.
朦胧中我感觉到她膝盖在抖动，把我摇醒了。抬起头来，只见两个身穿带帽雨衣的人站在我们面前，正低声说什么。我仍睡意朦胧，听不清楚他们的话，也看不出他们是男是女。只听见母亲平静、克制的声音，“那我就喊红卫兵。”那两人沉默了，相互低语一阵走开了，显然不想引起别人的注意。
At dawn, my mother got on the train to Peking.
天蒙蒙亮时，母亲乘上了去北京的火车。
Years later she told me that the two people were women she knew, junior officials from my father's department.
几年以后，她告诉我，那两人都是她认识的妇女——父亲部里的工作人员。
They told her the authorities had ruled that her going to Peking was an 'anti-Party' act. She quoted the Party charter, which said that it was the right of any Party member to appeal to the leaders. When the emissaries indicated that they had men wailing in a car who could seize her by force, my mother said that if they did she would shout for help from the Red Guards around the station and tell them they were trying to stop her going to Peking to see Chairman Mao. I asked her how she could be sure the Red Guards would help her rather than the pursuers.
她们对她说，省委命令她回去。我母亲引用党章反驳，党员有权到中央申诉。两位使者则说，还来了别的人，车子就在站外等候。暗示她如果劝说不听，就要强行抓她回去。母亲说：要是他们敢动手，她就向车站一带的红卫兵喊救命，说他们阻止她去北京见毛泽东。我问她何以确信红卫兵会帮她，而不会帮那些人来捉她，“要是这些人对红卫兵说你是逃跑的‘阶级敌人’怎么办？”母亲笑说：“我算准他们不敢冒这个险，但这个险我非冒不可。”
"Suppose they denounced you to the Red Guards as a class enemy who was trying to escape?" Mother smiled and said, "I calculated that they would not take the risk. I was prepared to gamble everything. I had no alternative."
In Peking my mother took my father's letter to a 'grievance office." Chinese rulers throughout history, having never permitted an independent legal system, had set up offices where ordinary people could lodge grievances against their bosses, and the Communists inherited this tradition. When during the Cultural Revolution it began to look as though Communist bosses were losing their power, many people who had been persecuted by them in the past flooded into Peking to appeal. But the Cultural Revolution Authority soon made it clear that 'class enemies' were not allowed to complain, even against 'capitalist-roaders." If they tried to do so they would be doubly punished.
到了北京，她拿着我父亲写的信来到“群众上访接待站”。中国自古以来都没有独立于政权之外的法律体系，所以历代统治者都设有专门机构，让老百姓投诉上告，共产党继承了这个传统。文革期间，一度看上去共产党官员好像要失去权力了，于是成千上万曾被迫害的人涌入北京。但中央文革小组很快宣布，“阶级敌人”不准翻案，告走资派也不行，胆敢这样做的人罪加一等。
Few cases concerning senior officials like my father were presented to the grievance office, so my mother received special attention. She was also one of the very few spouses of victims who had the courage to go and appeal in Peking, as they were under pressure to 'draw a line' between themselves and those accused rather than invite trouble by speaking up for the victims. My mother was received almost immediately by Vice-Premier Tao Zhu, who was the head of the Central Department of Public Affairs and one of the leaders of the Cultural Revolution at the time.
“上访接待处”很少接待像我父亲这样的高干案子，也极少有妻子像母亲这样大胆来京替丈夫伸冤，于是母亲引起特别关注。很快，副总理陶铸接见了她，他当时管中央宣传部，又是文化革命的领导人之一。
She gave him my father's letter, and pleaded with him to order the Sichuan authorities to release my father.
我母亲把父亲的信交给他，请求他下令让四川省委放我父亲回家。
A couple of weeks later, Tao Zhu saw her again. He gave her a letter which said my father had acted in a perfectly constitutional manner and in concert with the Sichuan party leadership, and should be released at once. Tao had not investigated the case. He took my mother's word, because what had happened to my father was a common occurrence: Party officials all over China were choosing scapegoats in their panic to save their own skins. Tao gave her the letter directly rather than sending it through normal Party channels, knowing they were in disarray.
两个星期后，陶铸又见了她，给她一封信，说我父亲没有做错事，应该放回家，指责他的那两件事应该由四川省委负责。陶铸接受了我母亲的说法，因为找替罪羊来保自己这种事在当时全中国太普遍了。
Tao Zhu showed he understood and agreed with the other concerns in my father's letter: the epidemic of scape boating and the widespread random violence. My mother could see he wanted to control the situation.
陶铸表示对我父亲信中所担忧的抓替罪羊和暴力混乱的情形深有同感。我母亲看得出他也想控制这个局面，正因为如此，不久他自己也被打倒，成了刘少奇、邓小平之后的“中国第三号走资派”。
As it happened, because of this, he himself was soon to be condemned as 'the third biggest capitalist-roader," after Lin Shaoqi and Deng Xiaoping.
Meanwhile, my mother hand-copied Tao Zhu's letter, mailed the copy to my grandmother and asked her to show it to my father's department and to tell them that she would return only after they released my father. My mother was worried that if she returned to Sichuan the authorities there might arrest her, seize the letter and not release my father. She felt that, on balance, her best bet was to stay in Peking, where she could continue to exercise pressure.
我母亲手抄下陶铸给她的信，寄给我姥姥，要她把此信交给宣传部，并告诉他们，不放父亲回家，她就不回成都。她担心回去后省上可能控制她，仍不放我父亲，权衡利弊后她决定呆在北京，以便通过继续上访向四川当局施加压力。
My grandmother passed on my mother's hand-copied text of Tao Zhu's letter. But the provincial authorities said the whole thing was a misunderstanding, and that they were just protecting my father. They insisted that my mother must come back and stop her individualistic meddling.
姥姥按母亲的话办了，但省委领导说整件事是场误会，他们只想保护我父亲。他们坚持要我母亲马上回川，停止这种“干扰四川文化大革命的行动”。
Officials came to our apartment several times to try to persuade my grandmother to go to Peking and bring my mother back. One said to her, "I'm really thinking of your daughter. Why persist in misunderstanding the Party? The Party was only trying to protect your son-in-law. Your daughter would not listen to the Party and went to Peking. I'm worried for her that if she does not come back, she will be regarded as anti-Party. And you know how serious that is. Being her mother, you must do what is best for her. The Party has promised that as long as she comes back and makes a self-criticism, she will be forgiven."
干部们接奉指示，频频到我家来劝说，要我姥姥上京把我母亲接回来。一位干部这样对她说：“我是替你女儿担心，为什么她一定要和党闹误会呢？党只想保护你女婿。你女儿不听党的话，跑去北京，再不回来，就是反党。你知道反党有多严重吗？你是她的母亲，你要为她着想。党现在已经答应，只要她回来就没事了。”
The thought that her daughter was in trouble brought my grandmother to the verge of collapse. After several such sessions, she was wavering. Then one day her mind was made up for her: she was told that my father was having a nervous breakdown, and only when my mother came home would they send him to a hospital.
姥姥一想到女儿惹出了这么大的麻烦，就坐立不安。如此几次谈话后，她产生了去北京的念头。一天，来人告诉她，我父亲的精神已经有点不正常了，只有我母亲回家才能送他进医院，于是姥姥下决心去北京。
The Party gave my grandmother two tickets, one for herself and one for Xiao-fang, and they set off to Peking, thirty-six hours away by train. As soon as my mother heard the news, she sent a telegram to tell my father's department she was on her way, and started making arrangements to return home. She arrived back with my grandmother and Xiao-fang in the second week of October.
省委宣传部给了我姥姥两张火车票，一张给她，一张给小方。他两人坐了三十六小时火车到了北京。母亲一听父亲生病了，就马上发电报给宣传部，说她正搭车返回。10月份的第二个星期，她、姥姥和小方都回到成都。
During her absence, the whole of September, I had stayed at home to keep my grandmother company. I could see that she was consumed by worry, but I did not know what was going on. Where was my father? Was he under arrest, or was he being protected? Was my family in trouble or not? I did not know no one said anything.
母亲赴京这段时间，9月一整个月，我一直呆在家里陪伴姥姥。她日夜焦虑，整晚睡不着觉。我不知道出了什么事，父亲在哪里？被逮捕了吗？还是被保护起来了？我的家倒楣了吗？这些问题我都得不到回答——也没人肯告诉我。
I could stay at home because the Red Guards never exercised the rigorous control the Party did. Besides, I had a sort of 'patron' in the Red Guards, Geng, my gauche fifteen-year-old boss, who had made no effort to summon me back to the school. But at the end of September he telephoned to urge me to get back before I October, National Day, or I would never be able to join the Red Guards.
我之所以能逃避到学校，呆在家里这么长一段时间而平安无事，原因是红卫兵组织从来没有像共产党那样严密控制。另外，我在红卫兵里有个“保护人”，就是那个腼腆上司耿姓男孩，他没有召唤我回校。9月下旬的某一天，耿打电话要我在10月1日国庆日前一定要回去，否则，我就不可能加入红卫兵了。
I was not forced to join the Red Guards. I was keen to do so. In spite of what was happening around me, my aversion and fear had no clear object, and it never occurred to me to question the Cultural Revolution or the Red Guards explicitly. They were Mao's creations, and Mao was beyond contemplation.
没有人强迫我加入红卫兵，我自己非常想加人。尽管这几个月来在学校、家里所发生的事使我觉得厌恶和恐惧，使我从来没想到要怪文化大革命和红卫兵，文革和红卫兵是毛主席领导的，而毛主席在我心中是个神，我是想也不敢想他会错的。
Like many Chinese, I was incapable of rational thinking in those days. We were so cowed and contorted by fear and indoctrination that to deviate from the path laid down by Mao would have been inconceivable. Besides, we had been overwhelmed by deceptive rhetoric, disinformation, and hypocrisy, which made it virtually impossible to see through the situation and to form an intelligent judgment.
就像当时千千万万其他中国人一样，我没有理性的思维能力。我们已被恐惧和长期灌输所扭曲，以致对偏离毛所设下的轨道简直不可想象。另外，我们周围到处是虚伪、欺骗性的高调与假信息，使我们几乎不可能看清事实，作正确的判断。
Back at school, I heard that there had been many complaints from 'reds' demanding to know why they had not been admitted to the Red Guards. That was why it was important to be there on National Day, as there was going to be a big enrollment, incorporating all the rest of the 'reds." So, at the very time the Cultural Revolution had brought disaster on my family, I became a Red Guard.
回到学校后，我得知一些没能加入红卫兵的“红五类”们发了很多牢骚，埋怨他们被拒于红卫兵之外。学校红卫兵只好让大家都在国庆日前一古脑儿全加入，耿因而要我在那时赶回学校。就这样，在文化大革命带给我家灾难时，我反倒成了红卫兵。
I was thrilled by my red arm band with its gold characters. It was the fashion of the day for Red Guards to wear old army uniforms with leather belts, like the one Mao was seen wearing at the beginning of the Cultural Revolution.
当我的手臂套上印着金黄大字“红卫兵”的红袖套时，我异常兴奋。当时最时髦的打扮是穿旧军装，就像毛泽东接见红卫兵时的装束。
I was keen to follow the fashion, so as soon as I was enrolled I rushed home, and from the bottom of an old trunk I dug out a pale-gray Lenin jacket which had been my mother's uniform in the early 1950S. It was a little too big, so I got my grandmother to take it in. With a leather belt from a pair of my father's trousers my costume was complete. But out on the streets I felt very uncomfortable.
我也想赶时髦，等一戴上红袖套，就飞跑回家，从一只旧箱底层翻出一件已洗成灰白的列宁装，这是母亲五十年代的制服。衣服有点不合身，稍大，不过我请姥姥为我改小，再配上一条从父亲裤子上抽出的旧皮带，就打扮整齐了。走上街时，我浑身不是滋味，觉得自己看起来太咄咄逼人了。尽管如此，我照旧穿它。
I found my image too aggressive. Still, I kept the outfit on.
Soon after this my grandmother went to Peking. I had to stay in the school, having just joined the Red Guards.
一两天后，姥姥去了北京。我因刚加入红卫兵，得呆在学校。
Because of what had happened at home, the school frightened and startled me all the time. When I saw the 'blacks' and 'grays' having to clean the toilets and the grounds, their heads bowed, a creeping dread came over me, as though I were one of them. When the Red Guards went off at night on house raids, my legs went weak, as if they were heading for my family. When I noticed pupils whispering near me, my heart started to palpitate frantically: were they saying that I had become a 'black," or that my father had been arrested?
家里发生的剧变，如今令我终日胆颤心惊。当我看见“黑五类”和“麻灰类”成天低着头打扫厕所、操场时，恐惧就爬遍全身，好像我也是他们中的一员。当红卫兵夜晚外出抄家时，我的两腿也不禁颤抖，好像他们是去抄我的家。一看见同学在附近交头接耳，我的心就怦怦乱跳，忍不住心想他们是在议论我，说我已变成了“黑五类”，说我父亲已被捉起来了。
But I found a refuge: the Red Guard reception office.
不久，我发现了一个避风港——“红卫兵串联接待站”。
There were a lot of visitors to the school. Since September 1966, more and more young people were on the road, travelling all over the country. To encourage them to travel around and stir things up, transport, food, and accommodations were provided free.
从1966年9月起，毛泽东鼓动年轻人在全国各地“串联”、煽风点火，要人们起来“造反”。为此，交通工具、食物和住宿都免费提供。学校于是来了许多“串联者”。
The reception office was in what had once been a lecture hall. The wandering and often aimless visitors would be given cups of tea and chatted to. If they claimed to have serious business, the office would make an appointment for them to see one of the school Red Guard leaders. I zeroed in on this office because the people in it did not have to participate in actions like guarding the 'blacks' and 'grays," or go on house raids. I also liked it because of the five girls working there. There was an air of warmth and lack of zealotry around them which made me feel soothed the moment I met them.
我们学校的接待站是以前一个演讲厅，成天晃荡的串联者来到这里喝茶、谈天。如果他们声称有重要公务，接待人员就为他们安排一个时间会见学校红卫兵头头。在这里工作的人不必去看守“黑五类”、“麻灰类”，也不必去抄家。另外，那五个女工作人员看上去一点也不狂热，和她们在一起有种温暖的感觉，使我不会老是紧张兮兮，于是我费尽心思地加入了。
A lot of people used to come to the office, and many would hang around to chat with us. There was often a line at the door, and some returned again and again. Looking back now, I can see that the young men really wanted some female company. They were not that engrossed in the revolution. But I remember being extremely earnest. I never avoided their gazes or returned their winks, and I conscientiously took notes of all the nonsense they spouted.
接待站里人来人往，络绎不绝，有时还排着队。有的人成了熟面孔现在回想起来，才明白有些男孩子不过是想找女孩子闲扯，并非一心来闹革命的。我记得自己当时却认真得不得了，把他们言不由衷的公事话都当了真，一个劲儿地把那些废话做成笔记，从不回避他们的注视，也不理会他们的眉来眼去。
One hot night two rather coarse middle-aged women turned up at the reception office, which was boisterous as usual. They introduced themselves as the director and deputy director of a residents' committee near the school.
一个闷热的夜晚，接待站像平常一样满是人，一片吵吵嚷嚷声。两名有点粗俗的中年妇女出现了，自我介绍是学校附近一个街道居委会的正、副主任。
They talked in a very mysterious and grave manner, as though they were on some grand mission. I had always disliked this kind of affectation, so I turned my back. But soon I could tell that an explosive piece of information had been delivered. The people who had been hanging around started shouting, "Get a truck!? Get a truck!? Let's all go there!" Before I knew what was happening, I was swept out of the room by the crowd and into a truck. As Mao had ordered the workers to support the Red Guards, trucks and drivers were permanently at our service. In the truck, I was squeezed next to one of the women. She was retelling her story, her eyes full of eagerness to ingratiate herself with us. She said that a woman in her neighborhood was the wife of a Kuomintang officer who had fled to Taiwan, and that she had hidden a portrait of Chiang Kai-shek in her apartment.
她们压低嗓门，表情神秘，好像在报告什么重大机密。我一向很讨厌这样故弄玄虚，所以走开了。但看得出来她们一定是说出了什么爆炸性消息，因为接待站马上沸腾起来，不少人高声喊叫： “上卡车！上卡车！”“都去！都去！”我还没搞清楚出了什么事，就被卷出房间，拥上了一辆卡车。当时毛泽东下令工人要支持红卫兵，所以有的卡车司机到学校来听候我们的调遣。我和那位居委会主任被挤到一起，她又开始重复说她的故事，眼睛里尽是忙不迭地逢迎周围红卫兵的神气。她说她的辖区内有一个国民党官太太，丈夫逃到台湾去了，她在家里藏了张蒋介石的像。
I did not like the woman, especially her toadying smile. And I resented her for making me go on my first house raid. Soon the truck stopped in front of a narrow alley. We all got out and followed the two women down the cobbled path. It was pitch-dark, the only light coming from the crevices between the planks of wood that formed the walls of the houses. I staggered and slipped, trying to fall behind.
这个居委会主任令我十分反感，特别是她那张谄媚的笑脸，我也恨她弄得我第一次去抄家。很快，卡车停在一条狭窄的巷口，我们大伙儿跟着那两个女人走进泥石子地的巷子。四下一片漆黑，只有连接屋墙的木板之间透出灯光。我高一脚低一脚地走，尽量落在后面。
The apartment of the accused woman consisted of two rooms, and was so small that it could not hold our truckful of people. I was only too happy to stay outside. But before long someone shouted that space had been made for those outside to come in and 'receive an education in class struggle."
那位被告发的女人家有两个房间，都很小，容不下我们一卡车人。我自然乐得躲在门外，但好景不长，有人在房间里高声嚷嚷，要房里的人挤出地方，让外面的人都进去“接受阶级斗争教育”。
As soon as I was pressed into the room with the others, my nostrils were filled with the stench of feces, urine, and unwashed bodies. The room had been turned upside down. Then I saw the accused woman. She was perhaps in her forties, kneeling in the middle of the room, partly naked. The room was lit by a bare fifteen-watt bulb. In its shadows, the kneeling figure on the floor looked grotesque.
我一挤进屋，大粪臭、尿臊味和长久不洗澡发出的汗渍味马上扑鼻而来，房里已被翻了个底朝天。那个女人大概有四十好几，跪在屋子中间，半裸着身体。屋里吊了盏昏暗的电灯，在阴影下，她跪着的人形显得奇形怪状。
Her hair was in a mess, and part of it seemed to be matted with blood. Her eyes were bulging out in desperation as she shrieked: "Red Guard masters!? I do not have a portrait of Chiang Kai-shek!? I swear I do not!" She was banging her head on the floor so hard there were loud thuds and blood oozed from her forehead. The flesh on her back was covered with cuts and bloodstains. When she lifted her bottom in a kowtow, murky patches were visible and the smell of excrement filled the air. I was so frightened that I quickly averted my eyes. Then I saw her tormentor, a seventeen-year-old boy named Chian, whom up to now I had rather liked. He was lounging in a chair with a leather belt in his hand, playing with its brass buckle.
她头发蓬乱，有些似乎被血粘在一块儿，两眼绝望地张大，嘴里不断尖叫：“红卫兵小将，我没有藏蒋介石的像，我没有！”她又朝地上使劲地磕头，响极了！血从前额渗出来，裸露的背上布满鞭打的血痕。当她撅起屁股磕头时，裤子上屎尿染成的污迹隐约可见，臭气一阵中起。我吓坏了，赶快移开视线。这时我瞥见了打她的人，一个姓钱的17岁男孩子，此刻他懒洋洋地半躺在一张椅子上，一只手拿着皮带，另一只手玩弄着皮带上的铜扣头，一边缓缓地说：
"Tell the truth, or I'll hit you again," he said languidly.
“讲实话，不然，我还要打你。”
Chian's father was an army officer in Tibet. Most officers sent to Tibet left their families in Chengdu, the nearest big city in China proper, because Tibet was considered an uninhabitable and barbaric place. Previously I had been rather attracted by Chian's languorous manner, which had given an impression of gentleness. Now I murmured, trying to control the quaking in my voice, "Didn't Chairman Mao teach us to use verbal struggle [wendou] rather than violent struggle [wu-dou]? Maybe we shouldn't... ?"
钱同学的父亲是驻西藏的一名军官，因为汉人常把西藏想成是高山恶水，不适合汉人生活，绝大多数赴藏军官就把家眷留在距西藏最近的大城市、入藏的门户成都。以前，我很喜欢钱同学，特别是他那种略带倦意的味道，使我觉得他很文雅。此时，我禁不住喃喃地说，一边竭力控制不要颤抖，“毛主席不是教导我们要文斗不要武斗吗？是不是……”
My feeble protest was echoed by several voices in the room. But Chian cast us a disgusted sideways glance and said emphatically: "Draw a line between yourselves and the class enemy. Chairman Mao says, "Mercy to the enemy is cruelty to the people!" If you are afraid of blood, don't be Red Guards!" His face was twisted into ugliness by fanaticism. The rest of us fell silent. Although it was impossible to feel anything but revulsion at what he was doing, we could not argue with him. We had been taught to be ruthless to class enemies. Failure to do so would make us class enemies ourselves. I turned and walked quickly into the garden at the back. It was crammed with Red Guards with shovels. From inside the house the sound of lashes started again, accompanied by screams that made my hair stand on end. The yelling must have been unbearable for the others too, because many swiftly straightened up from their digging: "There is nothing here. Let's go! Let's go? As we passed through the room, I caught sight of Chian standing casually over his victim. Outside the door, I saw the woman informer with the ingratiating eyes.
我的细弱声音在房间里引起几个人的共鸣。但钱同学蔑视地扫了我们一眼，狠狠地说：“你们要和阶级敌人划清界线！毛主席教导我们，‘对敌人仁慈就是对人民残忍！’怕流血就不要当红卫兵！”他的脸因狂热而变得丑恶。我们大家都沉默了，虽然我们十分厌恶他的作为，但我们没法和他争辩。我们所受的教育，是不得同情“阶级敌人”，不然，我们也会变成“阶级敌人”。我尽量不引人注意地退出房间，来到后花园，那里已被红卫兵用铁铲乱刨过了，一些人还在弓着腰挖，想发现点什么。房间里又传来抽打声，混和着那女人的哭叫声，使我头皮发麻。别的人想必也感到不可忍耐，他们停止了挖掘，直起身来，一边走，一边说：“什么都没有，走了！走了！”挤出房门时，我看见钱同学漫不经心地站在那位妇人面前。
Now there was a cringing and frightened look there. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but no words came out. As I glanced at her face, it dawned on me that there was no portrait of Chiang Kai-shek. She had denounced the poor woman out of vindictiveness. The Red Guards were being used to set He old scores. I climbed back into the truck full of disgust and rage.
告密的居委会主任还是那种讨好的眼神，但现在加上了害怕的神情。她半张着嘴，好像想说什么，但又没说出来。瞥了瞥她的脸我明白了：这里其实根本没有什么蒋介石像。她是假红卫兵之手整那个可怜的女人，红卫兵被利用来算旧帐、泄私愤。我爬上卡车，满心是厌恶和狂怒。