20 "I Will Not Sell My Soul"
二十 “我不出卖灵魂”
——My Father Arrested (1967-1968)
——父亲被捕(1967—1968年)
On the afternoon of the third day after my father posted his letter to Mao, my mother answered a knock on the door of our apartment. Three men came in, all wearing the same baggy blue uniform like clothes as every other man in China. My father knew one of them: he had been a caretaker in his department and was a militant Rebel.
父亲寄出那封信后第三天下午，我家响起一阵敲门声。母亲打开门，进来三个人，穿着清一色肥大的蓝色制服，这是那时中国人的标准打扮。我父亲认识其中一人，他是宣传部的公务人员，是个造反派。
One of the others, a tall man with boils on his thin face, announced that they were Rebels from the police and that they had come to arrest him, 'a counter revolutionary in action bombarding Chairman Mao and the Cultural Revolution." Then he and the third man, who was shorter and stouter, gripped my father by the arms, and gestured to him to go.
另一个不认识的、脸上疙里疙瘩的高个子开腔了，说他们是公安局的造反派，奉令逮捕我父亲，理由是我父亲是“炮打毛主席、文化大革命的现行反革命分子。”他和另一位个头短小的人走到父亲两侧，抓住他的胳膊示意他走。
They did not show any identity cards, much less an arrest warrant. But there was no doubt that they were Rebel plainclothes policemen. Their authority was unquestionable, because they came with a Rebel from my father's department.
他们既没有出示身份证，也没有逮捕令，但是毫无疑问，他们是夺了公安局大权的造反派便衣警察，显然有权命令我父亲，因为他们是和父亲部里的造反派一块儿来的。
Although they did not mention his letter to Mao, my father knew it must have been intercepted, as was almost inevitable. He had known that he would probably be arrested, because not only had he committed his blasphemy to paper, but there was now an authority the Tings to sanction his arrest. Even so, he had wanted to take the only chance there was, however slight. He was silent and tense, but did not protest. As he was walking out of the apartment, he paused and said softly to my mother: "Don't bear a grudge against our Party. Have faith that it will correct its mistakes, however grave they may be. Divorce me and give my love to our children. Don't alarm them."
虽然来者并没有提到那封写给毛泽东的信，但父亲知道这封信一定是被截了下来——这是不可避免的。他已有心理准备，因为这封信不仅是对毛泽东、对文革太不敬，而且“二挺”现在有了权，可以下令逮捕他。他还是寄了信，不愿放过一线希望。眼下，他压制着激动情绪，一言不发随来人走出去。出家门时，他住了脚，轻声对母亲说：“不要和党记仇，党正在犯错误，群众不会允许，无论错误有多严重，相信将来党会改错。和我离婚，把我们的孩子带大。”
When I came home later that afternoon, I found both of my parents gone. My grandmother told me my mother had gone to Peking to appeal for my father, who had been taken away by Rebels from his par anent? She did not say 'the police," because that would have been too frightening, being more disastrous and final than detention by Rebels.
我下午回家时，发现父母亲都不见了。姥姥只说父亲被造反派抓走了，母亲到北京为他申诉去了。她没有说是公安局来抓的，那样的话对孩子来说太可怕了，公安局出面逮捕比造反派带走要严重多了。
I rushed to my father's department to ask where he was.
I got no answer except assorted barks, led by Mrs. Shau, of "You must draw a line from your stinking capitalist-roader father' and "Wherever he is, it serves him right." I forced back my furious tears. I was filled with loathing for these supposedly intelligent adults. They did not have to be so merciless, so brutal. A kinder look, a gentler tone, or even silence would have been perfectly possible, even in those days.
我跑到省委宣传部去问他在哪儿，回答我的是一阵训斥声。姚女士最厉害：“你要和你的现行反革命老子划清界线！”“不管他在哪里，都是他应得的下场！”我忍住愤怒的泪水，对这些所谓有知识的成人感到无比厌恶。他们何须如此冷酷无情！即使在那种年月，一个和善些的脸色、一种温和点的口气或沉默不语都不是不可能。
It was from this time that I developed my way of judging the Chinese by dividing them into two kinds: one humane, and one not. It took an upheaval like the Cultural Revolution to bring out these characteristics in people, whether they were teenage Red Guards, adult Rebels, or capitalist roaders.
从那以后，我开始把中国人分成两种：一种是有人性的，另一种是无人性的。不管他们是十几岁的红卫兵，还是成年的造反派、走资派，文革大动荡使人的本性全露了出来。
Meanwhile, my mother was waiting at the station for the train that was to take her to Peking a second time. She felt much more despondent now than six months before.
当我跑来跑去找父亲时，母亲正在火车站等火车，准备第二次赴京。比起六个月前的那一回，她的情绪要低落得多。
There had still been a chance for some justice then, but it was virtually hopeless now. My mother did not give in to despair. She was determined to fight.
那时，还有一点伸张正义的希望，这次却十分渺茫。但我母亲并不甘心就此作罢，她要争取。
She had decided that the one person she had to see was Premier Zhou Enlai. No one else would do. If she sa~ anyone else it would only hasten the demise of her husband, herself, and her family. She knew that Zhou was tar more moderate than Mme Mao and the Cultural Revolution Authority and that he exercised considerable power over the Rebels, to whom he gave orders almost every day.
她意识到此次赴京只能找一个人——总理周恩来，别人都不行，反而可能葬送她丈夫、她自己和全家人。她清楚周恩来比毛夫人和她的中央文革小组温和得多。他还有权指挥造反派：他几乎每天都在下令给造反派。
But getting to see him was like trying to walk into the White House, or see the Pope alone. Even if she reached Peking without being caught, and got to the right grievance office, she could not specify whom she wanted to see, as that would be taken as an insult to, even an attack on, other leaders. Her anxiety grew, and she did not know whether her absence from home had already been discovered by the Rebels. She was meant to be waiting to be summoned to her next denunciation meeting, but there was a possible loophole. One Rebel group might think she was in the hands of another.
但是，要见周恩来就好比走进白宫或单独觐见教皇那样难。就算她顺利到了北京，到了“上访接待站”，她也不可能指名道姓地说她想见哪位中央领导，因为这会被看作是对别的领导不敬，甚至是侮辱他们。她更焦虑了，特别是想到她离家出走可能已被造反派发现了。他们是不准她任意出门的，只许呆在家里等着挨斗。她侥幸希望如果造反派找不着她，会以为她落入另一伙造反派手中了。
As she waited, she saw a huge banner with the words "The Red Chengdu Petition Delegation to Peking." Clustered around it was a crowd of about 200 people in their early twenties. Their other banners made it clear they were university students, going to Peking to protest against the Tings. What was more, the banners proclaimed that they had secured a meeting with Premier Zhou.
我母亲在火车站徘徊。突然，她看见一面大旗，上面写着几个大字“红卫兵成都部队赴京告状团”。大旗下聚集着二百名左右二十来岁的年轻人，举着标语，说明他们是大学生，要去北京向中央控告“二挺”。还有标语说他们到京后会受到周恩来的接见。
Compared with its rival Rebel group, 26 August, Red Chengdu was relatively moderate. The Tings had thrown their weight behind 26 August, but Red Chengdu did not surrender. The power of the Tings was never absolute, even though they were backed by Mao and the Cultural Revolution Authority.
与对敌“八·二六”相比，“红成”算是温和派。“二挺”明显地偏袒“八·二六”，尽管“二挺”背后有毛泽东和中央文革撑腰，他们俩也没能树起绝对权威，“红成”不愿甘拜下风。
At this time, the Cultural Revolution was dominated by intense factional fighting between Rebel groups. This had begun almost as soon as Mao had given the signal to seize power from the capitalist-roaders; now, three months later, most of the Rebel leaders were emerging as something very different from the ousted Communist officials: they were undisciplined opportunists, and were not even fanatical Maoists. Mao had instructed them to unite and share power, but they only paid lip service to this injunction.
此时文化大革命已被造反派各派之间的激烈武斗所支配。毛泽东一号召从走资派手里夺权，这些战斗就爆发了。三个月后的今天，绝大多数造反派头头表现出他们的作风完全不同于被赶下台的共产党干部：他们要的是自己的权力，并非什么理想、主义，甚至不是毛泽东的狂热信徒。毛泽东不断指示他们联合起来分享权力，但他们个个只想独吞。
They verbally attacked each other with Mao's quotations, making cynical use of his guru-like elusiveness it was easy to select a quotation of Mao's to suit any situation, or even both sides of the same argument. Mao knew that his vapid 'philosophy' was boomeranging on him, but he could not intervene explicitly without losing his mystical remoteness.
他们“打语录仗”——引用毛泽东模棱两可的语录来互相攻击。“毛语录”里很容易找到适用于各种情况或双方各执一词的话。(此处删去两行)
In order to destroy 26 August, Red Chengdu knew it had to bring down the Tings. They knew the Tings' reputation for vindictiveness and their lust for power, which were widely discussed, in hushed tones by some, more openly by others. Even Mao's endorsement of the couple was not enough to get Red Chengdu to fall into line. It was against this background that Red Chengdu was sending the students to Peking. Zhou Enlai had promised to receive them because Red Chengdu, as one of the two Rebel camps in Sichuan, had millions of supporters.
“红成”很清楚，要想打倒“八·二六”，就得先打倒“二挺”。他们也知道“二挺”滥用职权报复陷害的恶名。当时这两人的恶行人尽皆知，有的人不敢明说，但仍有不少人公开议论，甚至毛泽东亲自对他的支持也不足以使人们俯首听命。就是在这样的背景下，“红成”派人赴京告状。因为“红成”是四川的两大造反派之一，人数约数百万，所以周恩来答应接见他们。
My mother followed the Red Chengdu crowd as they were waved through the ticket barrier onto the platform where the Peking express was puffing. She was trying to climb into a carriage with them when she was stopped by a male student.
我母亲跟在“红成”队伍后面通过检票口进入车站，只见开往北京的特别快车喷着白烟，停在站台。我母亲正想随学生登上车厢，却被一个男学生挡住了。
"Who are you?" he shouted. My mother, at thirty-five, hardly looked like a student.
那人大声问：“你是谁？你不是和我们一起的吧？快下去！”我母亲那时三十五岁，看上去当然不像学生。
"You're not one of us. Get off'
My mother clung tightly to the handle of the door.
"I am going to Peking, too, to appeal against the Tings' she cried.
她紧抓住车门把手不放，喊了起来：“我也要去北京，去告刘、张二挺的状，我以前就认识他们，让我上车！”男学生看着她，一脸不相信，这时，从他背后传来一男一女的声音：“让她上来，听听她说些什么。”
"I know them from the past." The man looked at her in disbelief. But from behind him came two voices, a man's and a woman's: "Let her in. Let's hear what she has to say.'
My mother squeezed into the packed compartment, and was seated between the man and the woman. They introduced themselves as staff officers of Red Chengdu. The man was called Yong, and the woman Yan. They were both students at Chengdu University.
我母亲挤进了满满的车厢，坐在那一男一女之间。他们自我介绍说是“红成”的参谋人员，男的姓翁，女的姓颜。两人都是成都大学的学生。
From what they said, my mother could see that the students did not know very much about the Tings. She told them what she could remember about some of the many cases of persecution in Yibin before the Cultural Revolution; about Mrs. Ting's attempt to seduce my father in 1953; the couple's recent visit to my father, and his refusal to collaborate with them. She said the Tings had had my father arrested because he had written to Chairman Mao to oppose their appointment as the new leaders of Sichuan.
从他们的言谈里，我母亲看得出学生们对刘、张知之甚少。于是她讲了一些文化大革命前宜宾的冤案，也提到1953年挺夫人勾引我父亲的事。她告诉他们，最近“二挺”来我家拉我父亲和他俩合作，他严词拒绝了。母亲还说，“二挺，现在把我父亲逮捕了，原因是他写信给毛泽东，反对任命他俩担任四川省新领导。
Yan and Yong promised they would take her to their meeting with Zhou Enlai. All night, my mother sat wide awake planning what she should say to him, and how.
翁和颜答应让她和他们一起去见周恩来。我母亲整晚都在盘算该对周恩来说些什么、怎么说。
When the delegation arrived at Peking Station, a representative of the premier was waiting for them. They were taken to a government guesthouse, and told that Zhou would see them the next evening.
到了北京站，一位总理办公室的人已在等待他们。代表团被送到一家政府招待所住，周恩来第二天晚上要接见他们。
The next day, while the students were out, my mother prepared a written plea to Zhou. She might not get a chance to talk to him, and in any case it was better to petition him in writing. At 9 p.m. she went with the students to the Great Hall of the People on the west side of Tiananmen Square. The meeting was in the Sichuan Room, which my father had helped decorate in 1959. The students sat in an arc facing the premier. There were not enough seats, so some sat on the carpeted floor. My mother sat in the back row.
第二天白天，当学生们外出时，我母亲呆在房间里写信给周恩来。她可能没有机会说话，而且不管怎么说都需要有书面资料。晚上九点，她和学生们一起到了位于天安门广场西边的人民大会堂，这次接见是在四川厅，我父亲曾于1959年负责该厅的装饰。学生们围成一个弧形坐下，面对着周恩来。椅子不够，有些人就坐在铺着地毯的地板上，我母亲坐在后排。
She knew her speech had to be succinct and effective, and she rehearsed it again in her head as the meeting got under way. She was too preoccupied to hear what the students were saying. She only noted how the premier reacted. Every now and then he nodded acknowledgment.
母亲很清楚她的话必须简明扼要有份量。接见过程中，她脑子里一直在转着自己的话，以至没有留意学生们都说了些什么。她只注意到总理的反应：间或点点头，表示听明白了，他从不表示支持或不支持，只是听，偶尔说些普通的话，如：“按毛主席指示办”或“要大联合”。他的一位助手在一旁做笔记。冷不防地。
He never indicated approval or disagreement. He just listened, and occasionally made general remarks about 'following Chairman Mao' and 'the need to unite." An aide took notes.
Suddenly she heard the premier saying, as though in conclusion: "Anything else?" She shot up from her seat.
她听见总理像是要结束会议了：“还有没有别的事？”我母亲立即从座位上站了起来，说：
"Premier, I have something to say."
“总理，我有话要说。”
Zhou raised his eyes. My mother was obviously not a student.
周恩来抬头望着我母亲，她显然不是一名学生。
"Who are you?" he asked. My mother gave her name and position, and followed immediately with: "My husband has been arrested as a "counterrevolutionary in action." I am here to seek justice for him." She then gave my father's name and position.
他问道：“你是谁？”我母亲通报了自己的名字和职务，紧接着报了我父亲的名字和职务说：“我丈夫现在被打成‘现行反革命’抓起来了，我到这里来是为他伸冤的。”
Zhou's eyes became intent. My father had an important position.
从周恩来的眼神里可以看得出他很留心这件事。因为我父亲是个高级干部。他说：“学生现在可以走了，你留下来谈。”
"The students can go," he said.
"I'll talk to you privately."
My mother longed to talk to Zhou alone, but she had decided to sacrifice this chance for a more important goal.
我母亲非常希望能和周恩来单独详谈，但她觉得不能让学生走。
"Premier, I would like the students to stay to be my witnesses." While saying this, she handed her petition to the student in front, who passed it on to Zhou.
她说：“总理，我希望留下学生在场作见证。”她边说边把写好的信请前面的学生传递给周。
The premier nodded: "All right. Go ahead."
总理点点头说：“好吧！你说。”
Quickly but clearly, my mother said my father had been arrested for what he had written in a letter to Chairman Mao. My father disagreed with the Tings' appointment as the new leaders of Sichuan, because of their record of abuse of power which he had witnessed in Yibin. Apart from that, she said briefly: "My husband's letter also contained serious mistakes about the Cultural Revolution."
我母亲迅速清晰地说我父亲是因写给毛主席一封信而被逮捕，信中提到不同意任命“二挺”作四川省的新领导，因为这两人滥用职权，这是他在宜宾亲身体会的。除此之外，我母亲还含混地说信中包含了对文化大革命的错误意见。
She had thought carefully about how she would put this.
She had to give a true account to Zhou, but she could not repeat my father's exact words for fear of the Rebels. She had to be as abstract as possible: "My husband held some seriously erroneous views. However, he did not spread his views in public. He was following the charter of the Communist Party and speaking his mind to Chairman Mao. According to the charter, this is the legitimate right of a Party member, and should not be used as an excuse to arrest him. I am here to appeal for justice for him."
她无数次仔细推敲过怎么说这番话，对周恩来她得实说。但是她害怕在场的造反派学生，所以不敢一五一十地重复父亲的信。她得尽可能地轻描淡写：“我丈夫有一些十分严重的错误观点，但是他并没有在群众中散布这些观点，他是按照党章向毛主席陈述。按党章规定，这是共产党员的合法权利，不应该据此作为逮捕他的理由，请总理维护党章。”
When my mother's eyes met Zhou Enlai's, she saw that he had fully understood the real content of my father's letter, and her dilemma of not being able to spell it out.
从周恩来的眼睛里，我母亲看出他已经完全明白了我父亲信里的实际内容，也明白我母亲不能讲出来的苦衷。
He glanced at my mother's petition, then turned to an aide sitting behind him and whispered something. The hall was deadly quiet. All eyes were on the premier.
他低头看了看我母亲写的信，然后转身对坐在身后的一位助手耳语了几句。这时，整个大厅鸦雀无声，所有人的眼睛都看着周恩来。
The aide handed Zhou some sheets of paper with the letterhead of the State Council (the cabinet). Zhou started writing in his slightly strained way his right arm had been broken years before when he fell from a horse in Yan'an.
助手递给周恩来一些纸，上面有国务院的抬头。他开始以稍微费劲的方式写起来——他的右手在延安时期从马背上跌落下来时摔断过。写完后，他把字条递给助手，由这人向大家宣读。
When he finished, he gave the paper to the aide, who read it out.
'"One: As a Communist Party member, Chang Shou-yu is entitled to write to the Party leadership. No matter what serious mistakes the letter contains, it may not be used to accuse him of being a counterrevolutionary. Two: As Deputy Director of the Depaximent of Public Affairs of Sichuan Province, Chang Shou-yu has to submit himself to investigation and criticism by the people. Three: Any final adjudication on Chang Shou-yu must wait fill the end of the Cultural Revolution. Zhou Enlai."
字条说：“第一，张守愚身为一名共产党员，有权给党中央写信，不管信的内容有什么错误，都不能作为定反革命的根据；第二，张守愚身为四川省委宣传部副部长，必须接受群众的审查和批判；三，张守愚的所有问题都在文化大革命后期处理。最后署名：“周恩来”。
My mother was speechless with relief. The note was not addressed to the new leaders in Sichuan, which would normally have been the case, so she was not bound to hand it in to them, or to anyone. Zhou intended her to keep it and show it to whoever might prove useful.
我母亲大大松了口气，不知说什么好。这条子上没有照一般情况写明给谁，也就是没有写明要给四川省新领导。因此，我母亲不必把纸条交给他们或其他任何人。周恩来的意思很明白，他要她保留这张条子，把它拿给任何有帮助的人看。
Yan and Yong were sitting on my mother's left. When she turned to them, she saw they were beaming with joy.
颜和翁两位大学生就坐在我母亲左边，当她转身看他们时，两人都笑容满面，为她高兴。
She caught the train back to Chengdu two days later, keeping with Yan and Yong all the time, as she was worried the Tings might get wind of the note and send their henchmen to grab it and her. Yan and Yong also thought it was vital for her to stick with them, "In case z6 August abducts you." They insisted on accompanying her to our apactment from the station. My grandmother gave them pork-and chive pancakes, which they devoured in no time.
两天后，母亲乘火车回成都。她一直和颜、翁呆在一起，担心“二挺”会得知周恩来纸条的消息，派人抢走它并把她抓走。翁和颜也认为和她呆在一起是他们的责任，说：“八·二六可能会来抢走你！”到成都后，他们坚持把我母亲送回家。我姥姥招待两人吃猪肉香葱烙饼，他俩吃得狼吞虎咽。
I immediately took to Yan and Yong. Rebels, and yet so kind, so friendly and warm to my family!? It was unbelievable. I could also tell at once that they were in love: the way they glanced at each other, the way they teased and touched each other, was very unusual in company. I heard my grandmother sigh to my mother that it would be nice to give them some presents for their wedding. My mother said this would be impossible, and would get them into trouble if it became known. Accepting 'bribes' from a capitalist-roader was no small offense.
我马上就喜欢上颜、翁。他们也是造反派，但对我家是这样和善、这样友好、这样温暖！我简直不敢相信。我也从他们对看的眼神里，从他们忍不住在人前互相开玩笑、打打逗逗的举动中，看出他们在谈恋爱。我听见姥姥悄悄叹着气对母亲说，应该送给他俩一些结婚礼物。母亲说不可能，别人知道了会给他们惹麻烦。接受走资派“贿赂”可是一桩不小的罪过。
Yan was twenty-four, and had been in her third year studying accounting at Chengdu University. Her lively face was dominated by a pair of thick-rimmed spectacles. She laughed frequently, throwing her head back. It was a very heart-warming laugh. In China in those days, dark-blue or gray jacket and trousers were the standard gear for men, women, and children. No pan ems were allowed. In spite of the uniformity, some women managed to wear their clothes with signs of care and thoughtfulness. But not Yan.
颜二十四岁，在成都大学读三年级。姓生动的脸上架着一副显眼的厚眼镜，她很爱笑，笑时不断把头向后伸，令人暖洋洋的。在那些日子里，深蓝和铁灰色的中山装、军便服是男人、女人和孩子们一律的服装。有些女人穿上这些还显得刻意打扮。颜就不同了，她看上去马马虎虎、不修边幅，好像钮扣老会扣错位置。短发像是不耐烦地向后拉到一起，束成乱乱的一把。甚至热恋也没能使她更留意自己的外貌。
She always looked as though she had put her buttons in the wrong holes, and her short hair was pulled back impatiently into an untidy tail. It seemed that not even being in love could induce her to pay attention to her looks.
Yong looked more fashion conscious. He wore a pair of straw sandals, which were set off by rolled-up trouser legs.
翁显然可有点时髦的意识了。他穿着一双草鞋，裤脚总是挽起，以为衬托。
Straw sandals were a sort of fashion among some students because of their association with the peasants. Yong seemed exceedingly intelligent and sensitive. I was fascinated by him.
穿草鞋在当时学生中很流行，以示“农民化”。翁非常机智又善解人意，我觉得他很不平凡。
After a happy meal, Yan and Yong took their leave. My mother walked downstairs with them, and they whispered to her that she must keep Zhou Enlai's note in a safe place.
这餐猪肉葱烙饼吃得很愉快。饭后，颜、翁两人起身告辞。我母亲送他们下楼。他们对她低声耳语，要她一定要把周恩来给的字条藏到安全地方。
My mother said nothing to me or my siblings about her meeting with Zhou.
那时我母亲没有对我们几个孩子提及见周恩来的事。
That evening, my mother went to see an old colleague of hers and showed him Zhou's note. Chen Mo had worked with my parents in Yibin in the early 195os, and got on well with both of them. He had also managed to maintain a good relationship with the Tings, and when they were rehabilitated he threw in his lot with them. My mother asked him, in tears, to help secure my father's release for old times' sake, and he promised to have a word with the Tings.
就在那天晚上，母亲去看她的老同事陈沫，给他看了周恩来的字条。陈先生在五十年代初曾在宜宾和我父母共过事，关系融洽。他也和“二挺”过从甚密，“二挺”平反后，他投靠了他们。我母亲流着泪求他看在共事多年的份上，解救我父亲。陈先生答应在“二挺”面前说好话。
Time passed, and then, in April, my father suddenly reappeared. I was tremendously relieved and happy to see him, but almost immediately my joy turned to horror. There was a strange light in his eyes. He would not say where he had been, and when he did speak, I could hardly understand his words.
一天，我父亲突然出现了。我松了口气，兴奋极了！但喜悦马上变成了恐惧，父亲的眼神很奇怪，他没说他一直都在哪里，开口说话时，我几乎不懂得他在说什么。
He was sleepless for days and nights on end, and paced up and down the apartment, talking to himself. One day he forced the whole family to go and stand in the pouring rain, telling us this was 'to experience the revolutionary storm." Another day, after collecting his salary packet, he threw it into the kitchen stove, saying that this was 'to break with private property." The dreadful truth dawned on us: my father had gone insane.
他整夜不睡觉，在房间里走来走去，大声地自言自语。一天，他强迫全家人站到院子里，当时正下着倾盆大雨，他说这是“经受革命风暴”。又一天，他收到工资袋时，一把将它扔进厨房的火炉里，说是“与私有制决裂”。我们意识到可怕的事发生了：父亲精神失常了。
My mother became the focus of his madness. He raged at her, calling her 'shameless," 'a coward," and accusing her of 'selling her soul." Then, without warning, he would become embarrassingly loving toward her in front of the rest of us saying over and over again how much he loved her, how he had been an unworthy husband, and begging her to 'forgive me and come back to me."
母亲成了他发狂的对象。他骂她“不知廉耻”、“是个懦夫”、“出卖灵魂”。但不一会儿，又对她异常亲热，当着我们的面一遍遍说他是多么爱她，他配不上她，恳求她“原谅我，回到我身边来吧！”
On his first day back he had looked at my mother suspiciously and asked her what she had been doing. She told him she had been to Peking to appeal for his release. He shook his head incredulously, and asked her to produce evidence. She decided not to tell him about the note from Zhou Enlai. She could see he was not himself, and was worried he might hand in the note, even to the Tings, if 'the Party' ordered him to. She could not even name Yan and Yong as her witnesses: my father would think it was wrong to get involved with a Red Guard faction.
他第一天回到家时，曾用怀疑的目光审视母亲，盘问她前一阵都做了些什么。母亲说她去北京告状，要求释放他。他摇着头，不相信她，要她拿出证据来。母亲决定不告诉他周恩来字条之事，她看得出他的头脑已不清醒了，担心如果“党”下命令，他就会把字条交出去，甚至交给“二挺”。她甚至不敢提颜和翁作她的证人，我父亲绝不会同意她和红卫兵造反派有关系。
He kept coming back to the issue obsessively. Every day he would cross-examine my mother, and apparent inconsistencies emerged in her story. My father's suspicion and confusion grew. His rage toward my mother began to verge on violence. My siblings and I wanted to help my mother, and tried to make her story, about which we were vague ourselves, sound more convincing. Of course, when my father started to question us, it became even more muddled.
他反反复复盘问母亲上京这件事，每问一遍，母亲的“供词”就出现新的漏洞，父亲的怀疑和紊乱思绪就加剧一层，他对母亲的怒气近乎暴力的边缘。我们几个孩子想帮母亲说话，努力解释一件我们也不清楚的事。当然，父亲一开始追问我们，事情就更一塌糊涂了。
What had happened was that while my father was in prison, his interrogators had constantly told him he would be deserted by his wife and family if he did not write his 'confession." Insisting on confessions was a standard practice. Forcing victims to admit their 'guilt' was vital in crushing their morale. But my father said he had nothing to confess, and would not write anything.
原来在父亲被关押期间，审讯他的人不断对他说，如果他拒绝写“认罪书”，他的妻子和孩子们就会和他脱离关系，唾弃他。要人“认罪”是标准的整人作法，使牺牲品承认自己“有罪”，在摧毁他们的精神方面，占有极重要的份量。但我父亲说他无罪可认，也没什么可写的。
His interrogators then told him that my mother had denounced him. When he asked for her to be allowed to visit him, he was told she had been given permission, but had refused, to show that she was 'drawing a line' between herself and him. When the interrogators realized that my father was beginning to hear things a sign of schizophrenia- they drew his attention to a faint buzz of conversation from the next room, saying that my mother was in there, but would not see him unless he wrote his confession. The interrogators play-acted so vividly that my father thought he really heard my mother's voice. His mind began to collapse. Still he would not write the confession.
于是审讯人告诉他，我母亲和他“划清界线”，不要他了，他要求见她一面，他们说她拒绝来。当审讯人意识到他已经出现幻听现象——一种精神分裂症的征兆时，他们引他注意隔壁传来的微弱叽叽喳喳声，说我母亲就在那里，但不会来看他，除非他写认罪书。他们的戏演得如此活灵活现，父亲觉得自己真的听到母亲的声音。他的精神终于崩溃，不过，他仍是一字未写。
As he was being released, one of his interrogators told him he was being allowed home to be kept under the eyes of his wife, 'who has been assigned by the Party to watch you." Home, he was told, was to be his new prison. He did not know the reason for his sudden release, and in his confusion he latched onto this explanation.
审讯者通知他可以回家时，对他说，允许他回家是让他的妻子监视他，“她是党派来监视你的。”还说他的家就是座新监狱。由于父亲完全不知道突然被释放的原因，加上精神已经分裂，这个解释就深植在他的脑子里。
My mother knew nothing about what had happened to him in prison. When my father asked her why he had been released, she could not give him a satisfactory answer. Not only could she not tell him about Zhou Enlai's note, she could not mention going to see Chen Mo, who was the right-hand man of the Tings. My father would not have tolerated his wife's 'begging for a favor' from the Tings.
我母亲一点儿也不知道监狱里发生的事，当父亲问她为什么他会被释放时，她无法给他满意的答案。她不仅不能告诉他周恩来干预此事，也不能提到她去找过陈沫。陈是“二挺”的左右手，我父亲不可能容忍他的妻子向“二挺”求情。
In this vicious circle, both my mother's dilemma and my father's insanity grew, and fed off each other.
于是，恶性循环形成了，母亲进退维谷和父亲精神失常都在加重。
My mother tried to get medical treatment for him. She went to the clinic that had been attached to the old provincial government. She tried the mental hospitals. But as soon as the people at the registration desks heard my father's name, they shook their heads. They could not take him without sanction from the authorities and they were not prepared to ask for that themselves.
母亲东奔西走，想给他治病。她去了省委门诊部，去了精神病医院，但是挂号室的护士一听到我父亲的名字就摇头。没经过新的权力机构批准，他们不敢收他，而他们也不能代我家申请。
My mother went to the dominant Rebel group in my father's department and asked them to authorize hospitalization. This was the group led by Mrs. Shau, and firmly in the hands of the Tings. Mrs. Shau snarled at my mother that my father was faking mental illness in order to escape his punishment, and that my mother was helping him, using her own medical background (her stepfather, Dr. Xia, having been a doctor). My father was 'a dog that has fallen into the water, and must be flogged and beaten with absolutely no charity," said one Rebel, quoting a current slogan vaunting the merciless ness of the Cultural Revolution.
母亲找到省委宣传部的主要造反派，要求他们批准送父亲就医。他们是姚女士领导的，牢牢地掌握在“二挺”手里。姚女士对母亲恶狠狠地说父亲是在装疯以逃避惩罚，还说母亲利用从继父夏瑞堂处学来的医学知识帮他演戏。造反派引用一句标榜文化大革命冷酷无情的流行口号，说我父亲是“落水狗”，绝不能留情，要痛打。
Under instructions from the Tings, the Rebels hounded my father with a wall-poster campaign. Apparently, the Tings had reported to Mme Mao the 'criminal words' my father had used at the denunciation meeting, in his conversation with them, and in his letter to Mao. According to the posters, Mme Mao had risen to her feet in indignation and said, "For the man who dares to attack the Great Leader so blatantly, imprisonment, even the death sentence, is too kind!? He must be thoroughly punished before we have done with him!"
在“二挺”的指使下，造反派的批斗会变得更加野蛮了。一天，父亲回到家，一双眼睛又青又肿。另一天，我看见他被狠狠地反扭者双臂架在一辆缓慢行驶的大卡车上游街示众。一块巨大、沉重的牌子用一根细铁丝吊在他的脖子上，铁丝深深陷进他的肉里。他拼命挣扎，想抬起头来，造反派则从后面使劲往下压。这样的摧残下来，他却看上去没一点痛的感觉。我看着万分难过，精神病似乎使他的心灵和肉体分开了。
The terror such wall posters induced in me was immense. Mme Mao had denounced my father!? This was surely the end for him. But, paradoxically, one of Mme Mao's evil traits was actually to help us: Mme Mao was more dedicated to her personal vendettas than to real issues, and because she did not know my father and had no personal grudge against him, she did not pursue him.
We were not to know this, however, and I tried to take comfort in the thought that her reported comment might only be a rumor. In theory, wall posters were unofficial, since they were written by the 'masses' and not part of the official media. But, deep down, I knew that what they said was tale.
With the Tings' venom and Mme Mao's condemnation, the Rebels' denunciation meetings became more brutal, even though my father was still allowed to live at home.
One day he came back with one of his eyes badly damaged.
Another day I saw him standing on a slow-moving truck, being paraded through the streets. A huge placard hung from a thin wire that was eating into his neck, and his arms were twisted ferociously behind his back. He was struggling to keep his head up under the forceful pushing of some Rebels. What made me saddest of all was that he appeared indifferent to his physical pain. In his insanity, his mind seemed to be detached from his body.
He tore to pieces any photographs in the family album which had the Tings in them. He burned his quilt covers and sheets, and much of the family's clothing. He broke the legs of chairs and tables and burned them, too.
父亲把家里相册和“二挺”合拍的照片都翻出来撕个粉碎，他还烧掉了他的被套、床单及家里的许多衣服，并把桌椅腿折断，再放火烧掉。
One afternoon my mother was having a rest on their bed and Father was reclining on his favorite bamboo armchair in his study, when he suddenly jumped up and stamped into the bedroom. We heard the banging and dashed after him and found him gripping my mother's neck. We screamed and tried to pull him away. It looked as if my mother was going to be strangled. But then he let go with a jerk, and strode out of the room.
一天下午，母亲正在床上休息，父亲躺在书房内他喜欢的那张藤椅上。猛地，他跳起来，蹬蹬地重步走进卧室。我们听见脚步声，冲了进击，只见他正掐着母亲的脖子。我们惊叫起来，扑上去想把他拉开，又拉不动。母亲看上去快要窒息了。幸而，父亲松了手，一转身大步离开了房间。
My mother sat up slowly, her face ashen. She cupped her left ear in her hand. My father had awakened her by striking her on the side of the head. Her voice was weak, but she was calm.
母亲脸色像死灰一样，她慢慢坐起来，手捂着左耳，父亲刚才一拳打了她的耳朵，把她痛醒了。
"Don't worry, I'm all right," she said to my sobbing grandmother. Then she turned to us and said, "See how your father is. Then go to your rooms." She leaned back against the oval mirror framed in camphor wood which formed the headboard of the bed. In the mirror I saw her right hand clutching the pillow. My grandmother sat by my parents' door all night. I could not sleep either. What would happen if my father attacked my mother with their door locked?
她对站在一旁抽泣的姥姥说：“别担心，我没事儿。”她的声音徽弱，但是很平静。她转向我们说：“去看看你爸爸怎么了，然后回自己房间去。”她半靠着嵌在樟木床头的椭圆形镜子，从镜子里我看见她的右手紧紧抓着枕头。那天晚上，姥姥整夜守在父母的房门口，我也无法入睡，如果父亲把他们的房间锁起来打母亲，该怎么办呢？
My mother's left ear was permanently damaged, and became almost totally deaf. She decided it was too dangerous for her to stay at home, and the next day she went to her department to find a place to move to. The Rebels there were very sympathetic. They gave her a room in the gardener's lodge in the corner of the garden. It was terribly small, about eight feet by ten. Only a bed and a desk could be squeezed in, with no space even to walk between them.
母亲的左耳耳膜破了，几乎全聋了，她觉得呆在家里太危险，第二天便到她的部里找房子要搬过去。区委的造反派很同情她，把花园一角的花匠住房拨给她一间。房子很小，只有八平米、十长，放进一张床和一张书桌，就连走路的地方也没有了。
That night, I slept there with my mother, my grandmother, and Xiao-fang, all crammed together on the bed. We could not stretch our legs or turn. The bleeding from my mother's womb worsened. We were very frightened because, having just moved to this new place, we had no stove and could not sterilize the syringe and needle, and therefore could not give her an injection. In the end, I was so exhausted I dropped into a fitful sleep. But I knew that neither my grandmother nor my mother closed their eyes.
那天晚上，我和母亲、姥姥、小方睡在这里，大家挤在一张床上，伸伸脚翻个身也不行。母亲的子宫出血恶化了，我们非常惊慌，刚搬到一处新地方，没有炉子，不能消毒注射器和针头，因此不能给她注射。到后来，我疲倦有了，迷迷糊糊睡着了，但是我知道母亲和姥姥都整夜没有合眼。
Over the next few days, while Jin-ming went on living with Father, I stayed at my mother's new place helping to look after her. Living in the next room was a young Rebel leader from my mother's district. I had not said hello to him because I was not sure whether he would want to be spoken to by someone from the family of a capitalistroader, but to my surprise he greeted us normally when we ran into each other. He treated my mother with courtesy, although he was a bit stiff. This was a great relief after the ostentatious frostiness of the Rebels in my father's department.
我们搬走后，留下京明陪父亲住。我呆在母亲的新住所照料她。我们的隔壁邻居是区委造反派头头，很年轻。遇见他时，我没有主动跟他打招呼，不敢肯定他是否愿意和走资派的家里人说话。出乎意料，每次相遇，他总是自然地招呼我们。他待我母亲也很有礼貌，虽然态度有点生硬。见惯了省委宣传部造反派凶神恶煞的样子，我觉得在这里非常轻松自在。
One morning a couple of days after we moved in, my mother was washing her face under the eaves because there was no space inside when this man called out to her and asked if she would like to swap rooms. His was twice as big as ours. We moved that afternoon. He also helped us to get another bed so we could sleep in relative comfort.
几天后的一个早晨，母亲正在屋檐下洗脸，这人走出他的房门招呼她，问她愿不愿意交换房间。他的房间有我们的两倍大，下午我们就搬进去了。他还帮我们找来另一张床，这样我们就能睡得舒服点了。我们非常感激他。
We were very touched.
This young man had a severe squint and a very pretty girlfriend who stayed overnight with him, which was almost unheard of in those days. They did not seem to mind us knowing. Of course, capitalist-roaders were in no position to tell tales. When I bumped into them in the mornings, they always gave me a very kind smile which told me they were happy. I realized then that when people are happy they become kind.
这位年青人眼略微斜视，他的女朋友长得很美，晚上总在他房间里长久地说笑。这种事在那个时代极少见，他们似乎并不在意我们知道。当然走资派也无权搬弄是非。当我早晨与他们碰面时，他们总给我一个愉快而和善的微笑，看得出来他俩很幸福。从这里我发现人们只要心情愉快，就会变得很和善。
When my mother's health improved, I went back to Father. The apartment was in a dreadful state: the windows were broken, and there were bits of burned furniture and clothing all over the floor. My father seemed indifferent to whether I was there or not; he just paced incessantly around and around.
一俟母亲健康好转，我就回家看望父亲。家里糟得不成样了，窗户被打碎，到处是砸烂、烧焦残留下来的家具碎片，满地都是衣服。父亲似乎对我在不在家反应冷漠，只是不停地一圈圈地走。
At night I locked my bedroom door, because he could not sleep and would insist on talking to me, endlessly, without making sense. But there was a small window over the door which could not be locked. One night I woke up to see him slithering through the tiny aperture and jumping nimbly to the floor.
晚上我反扣上卧室的门，怕他不能入睡，一个劲儿找我反来复去地说话。但是门上面有一扇小窗户无法上锁，一天夜里，我惊醒过来，看见他正灵活地从那扇窗户爬进来，敏捷地一跳就跳到地板上。
But he paid no attention to me. He aimlessly picked up various pieces of heavy mahogany furniture and let them drop with seemingly little effort. In his insanity he had become super humanly agile and powerful. Staying with him was a nightmare. Many times, I wanted to run away to my mother, but I could not bring myself to leave him.
他不注意我，只漫无目的地随手毫不费力地举起沉重的桃木家具，把它们摔回地上。精神病使他变得超乎常人地灵敏和有力。呆在家里像场噩梦，我无数次想逃到母亲那里去，但又下不了决心离开父亲。
A couple of times he slapped me, which he had never done before, and I would go and hide in the back garden under the balcony of the apartment. In the chill of the spring nights I listened desperately for the silence upstairs which meant he had gone to sleep.
有一两次他打我耳光，这是从来没有过的事。遇到这种情况，我就逃到后院里，躲到阳台下。春夜的寒风里，我瑟缩着，倾听着楼上父亲的动静，全心盼着一切归于沉寂，这意味着父亲睡着了。
One day, I missed his presence. I was seized by a presentiment and rushed out of the door. A neighbor who lived on the top floor was walking down the stairs. We had stopped greeting each other some time before in order to avoid trouble, but this time he said: "I saw your father going out onto the roof."
一天，我发现他不见了，心里霍然升起一种不祥的预感。我跑到门外，迎面碰见位顶楼的邻居往下走。我们早己不打招呼了，以免飞来横祸。但是这次他开了口，说他看见我父亲到楼顶平台上去了。
Our apartment block had five stories. I raced to the top floor. On the landing to the left a small window gave onto the flat, shingled roof of the four-story block next door.
我们住的那幢公寓有五层，相连的大楼只有四层。我们的顶楼有一扇小窗户通往那座四层楼楼顶平台，上面铺着砂砾、涂着沥青，边沿围着一圈低矮的铁栏杆。我跑到平台小窗户边，一眼就看见父亲正站在远处平台边缘，我看见他的左脚好像正往上抬，要跨过栏杆。
The roof had low iron rails around the edge. As I was trying to climb through the window, I saw my father at the edge of the roof. I thought I saw him lifting his left leg over the railing.
"Father," I called, in a voice which was trembling, although I was trying to force it to sound normal. My instinct told me I must not alarm him.
“爸爸！”我颤声地喊，竭力想使声音听上去平静自然。我的本能告诉我：不能让他受惊。”
He paused, and turned toward me: "What are you doing here?"
他停住了，转身朝着我：“你来这里干什么？
"Please come and help me get through the window."
“爸爸，快来帮我钻过窗户。”
Somehow, I coaxed him away from the edge of the roof.
我总算使他离开了楼顶边缘。
I grabbed his hand and led him onto the landing. I was shaking. Something seemed to have touched him, and an almost normal expression replaced his usual blank indifference or the intense introspective rolling of his eyes. He carried me downstairs to a sofa and even fetched a towel to wipe away my tears. But the signs of normality were short-lived. Before I had recovered from the shock, I had to scramble up and run because he raised his hand and was about to hit me.
我抓紧他的手，拉他进到楼里，一边浑身哆嗦着，眼里含着泪。他似乎受到感动，一向漠然的脸上恢复了一种接近正常的表情，眼睛也不像往日那样只瞪着沉思。他把我抱下楼，放在沙发上，甚至拿来一条毛巾为我擦去泪水。但是这种正常迹象只维持了很短的时间，我还来不及从惊恐中恢复过来，他举起手掌又要打我了，我只得逃跑。
Instead of allowing my father medical treatment, the Rebels found his insanity a source of entertainment. A poster serial appeared every other day entitled "The Inside Story of Madman Chang." Its authors, from my father's department, ridiculed and lavished sarcasm on my father.
省委宣传部造反派不但不让父亲治病，反拿他的疯来取乐。他们出了一系列大字报连载故事，配以花花绿绿的漫画刊头，标题是：“张疯内史”，以戏弄我父亲。
The posters were pasted up in a prime site just outside the department, and drew large, appreciative crowds. I forced myself to read them, although I was aware of the stares from other readers, many of whom knew who I was. I heard them whispering to those who did not know my identity. My heart would tremble with rage and unbearable pain for my father, but I knew that reports of my reactions would reach my father's persecutors. I wanted to look calm, and to let them know that they could not demoralize us. I had no fear or sense of humiliation, only contempt for them.
大字报就张贴在省委大门对面最显眼的位置上，吸引一大群人。我强迫自己去读这些“故事”，我可以感觉得到四周人的异样眼光，许多人认识我。我听得见交头接耳声，那是在告诉那些不认识我的人。我为父亲万分难过。但我清楚我的反应会传到迫害父亲的那些人耳里。所以竭力保持平静，我要让那些人知道他们不可能摧毁我们。我心里没有恐惧，也不感到羞辱，只充满蔑视。
What had turned people into monsters? What was the reason for all this pointless brutality? It was in this period that my devotion to Mao began to wane. Before when people had been persecuted I could not be absolutely sure of their innocence; but I knew my parents. Doubts about Mao's infallibility crept into my mind, but at that stage, like many people, I mainly blamed his wife and the Cultural Revolution Authority. Mao himself, the godlike Emperor, was still beyond questioning.
是什么把人变成了魔鬼？为什么人们会这样盲目地残忍？就是在这段时间，我对毛泽东的忠诚开始动摇了。以前，当别人受迫害时，我不能绝对肯定他们是无辜的，但我清楚我父母的为人。毛泽东不再是个十全十美的偶像了，但是在此阶段，和许多人一样，我诅咒的是他的夫人和中央文革小组，我仍然不敢怀疑毛泽东这位神一般的“皇帝”。
We watched my father deteriorate mentally and physically with each passing day. My mother went to ask Chen Mo for help again. He promised to see what he could do.
眼看着父亲的身体和精神日渐恶化，我母亲只得再去见陈沫，恳求他帮助，他也答应尽力一试。
We waited, but nothing happened: his silence meant he must have failed to get the Tings to allow my father to have treatment. In desperation, my mother went to the Red Chengdu headquarters to see Yan and Yong.
我们耐心等待着，但没有回音，他的沉默说明他碰了钉子。绝望之余。我母亲来到“红成”指挥部找颜和翁。
The dominant group at Sichuan Medical College was part of Red Chengdu. The college had a psychiatric hospital attached to it, and a word from Red Chengdu headquarters could get my father in. Yan and Yong were very sympathetic, but they would have to convince their comrades.
控制着四川医学院的造反派“川医九·一五”隶属“红成”。这家医学院有个附属精神病院，只要“红成”指挥部开个口，就会收下我父亲，颜和翁同情我们，但他们还得说服其他人。
Humanitarian considerations had been condemned by Mao as 'bourgeois hypocrisy," and it went without saying that there should be no mercy for 'class enemies." Yan and Yong had to give a political reason for treating my father.
那时人道主义已被谴责为“资产阶级的虚伪”，对“阶级敌人”更不能发慈悲。颜和翁得为治疗我父亲找出个政治理由来。
They had a good one: he was being persecuted by the Tings. He could supply ammunition against them, perhaps even help to bring them down. This, in turn, could bring about the collapse of z6 August.
他们有个好理由：我父亲是受“二挺”迫害而致病的，他了解“二挺”，能够为“红成”提供攻击“二挺”的有力证据，甚至可能帮他们打倒这两人，从而使“红成”的对敌“八·二六”垮台。
There was another reason. Mao had said the new Revolutionary Committees must contain 'revolutionary officials' as well as Rebels and members of the armed forces. Both Red Chengdu and 26 August were trying to find officials to represent them on the Sichuan Revolutiona~ Commiuee.
另一个理由是：毛泽东说新的革命委员会包含革命干部、造反派和军人三种势力。“红成”和“八·二六”此刻都在过去的共产党干部中寻找“自己人”，以代表他们的利益加入四川省革命委员会。
Besides, the Rebels were beginning to find out how complex politics was, and how daunting a task it was actually to run an administration. They needed competent politicians as advisers. Red Chengdu thought my father was an ideal candidate, and sanctioned medical treatment.
此外，造反派也开始发现政治斗争太复杂了，他们需要有能力的官员充当顾问。“红成”认为我父亲是个理想人选。
Red Chengdu knew that my father had been denounced for saying blasphemous things against Mao and the Cultural Revolution, and that Mme. Mao had condemned him. But these claims had only been made by their enemies in wall posters, where truth and lies were often mixed up. They could, therefore, dismiss them.
“红成”当然也知道我父亲说过反对毛泽东和文化大革命的话，但是这些都是在他们对手的大字报上看到的，而大字报是个大杂烩，既有事实也有谣言，他们可以不予理会。最后“红成”准许替我父亲治病。
My father was admitted to the mental hospital of Sichuan Medical College. It was in the suburbs of Chengdu, surrounded by rice fields. Bamboo leaves swayed over the brick walls and the iron main gate. A second gate shut off a walled courtyard green with moss the residential area for the doctors and nurses. At the end of the courtyard, a flight of red sandstone stairs led into the windowless side of a two-story building flanked by solid, high walls. The stairs were the only access to the inside the psychiatric wards.
父亲于是被进进了四川医学院附属精神病院。医院坐落在成都郊区，周围是稻田。一丛丛竹子从高墙和铁门上探出轻轻摇曳。进去后是诊病室，然后又是一道铁门和砖墙，围着医生、护士居住的内院，内院满地是绿茸茸的青苔，尽头是一段红砂石台阶，伸向一座没有窗户的两层楼房，它的两侧是坚固的高墙。那些石阶是唯一入口，通入精神病房。
The two male nurses who came for my father were dressed in ordinary clothes, and told him they were taking him to another denunciation meeting. When they reached the hospital my father straggled to get away. They dragged him upstairs into a small empty room, shutting the door behind them so my mother and I would not have to see them putting him into a straitjacket. I was heartbroken to see him being so roughly handled, but I knew it was for his own good.
两位男护士身着普通衣服从家里带走父亲，说是押送他去参加批斗会。到达精神病院时，父亲拼命反抗着要离开。他们把他架上楼梯，拖进一闯空着的小屋子，然后关上了门，这样我和母亲就不会看见他们强行给我父亲穿上紧身衣了。我看见父亲被又拉又拖，心里非常难过，但我知道这是为他好。
The psychiatrist, Dr. Su, was in his thirties, with a gentle face and professional manner. He told my mother he would spend a week observing my father before he gave a diagnosis. At the end of the week, he reached his conclusion:
精神病科的医生苏先生，年约三十，有一张文雅的脸，和一种让病人一望便生信赖之感的气质。他告诉我母亲，在作诊断前，他得花一周的时间观察我父亲。一周后，他得出结论：
schizophrenia. My father was given electric shocks and insulin injections, for which he had to be tied tight onto the bed. In a few days, he began to recover his sanity. With tears in his eyes, he begged my mother to ask the doctor to change the treatment.
精神分裂症。他用电疗和胰岛索注射治疗我父亲，每次治疗时得把他紧紧绑在床上。几天后，父亲开始恢复正常了。一天他流着泪恳求母亲要医生换一种疗法，“太难受了！做一次就死一次！”他说。但是苏医生说除此之外别无他法。
"It is so painful." His voice broke.
"It feels worse than death." But Dr. Su said there was no other way.
The next time I saw my father, he was sitting on his bed chatting to my mother and Yan and Yong. They were all smiling. My father was even laughing. He looked well again.
过一阵子，我去看父亲时，他正坐在床上和母亲、颜翁交谈。他们都在笑，父亲甚至时时开心地大笑，他看上去已完全复原了。
I had to pretend to go to the toilet to wipe away my tears.
我心里非常激动，借口上厕所去擦掉眼泪。
On the orders of Red Chengdu, my father received special food and a full-time nurse~Yan and Yong visited him often, with members of his department who were sympathetic to him and who had themselves been subjected to denunciation meetings by Mrs. Shau's group. My father liked Yan and Yong very much, and although he could be unobservant, he realized they were in love, and teased them charmingly. I could see they enjoyed this greatly. At last, I felt, the nightmare was over; now that my father was well, we could face any disasters together.
由于有“红成”指挥部的命令，父亲受到很好的待遇，有特别饭菜和专门护士。颜和翁常来看他，并带来父亲部里那些同情他，也遭到姚女士迫害的善良、正直的人。父亲很喜欢颜和翁，虽然他平素不留心个人私事，但他看出两人在谈恋爱，风趣地跟他们开玩笑。我看得出颜和翁跟他在一起很快乐。我心想，噩梦终于结束了，父亲现在恢复正常，我们可以在一起顶住任何灾难了。
The treatment lasted about forty days. By mid-July he was back to normal. He was discharged, and he and my mother were taken to Chengdu University, where they were given a suite in a small self contained courtyard.
在医院治疗了四十天后，已是7月中旬，父亲出院了，他和母亲一起被载到成都大学，住进了一座小小的独立院落。
Student guards were placed on the gate. My father was provided with a pseudonym and told that he should not go out of the courtyard during the day, for his safety. My mother fetched their meals from a special kitchen. Yan and Yong came to see him every day, as did the Red Chengdu leaders, who were all very courteous to him.
院门口有学生把守，“红成”还给父亲取了个假名字，他们请他不要在白天走出院子，说是为了他的安全。母亲从一个特别的食堂取来饭菜绘他吃。颜和翁每天都来看他，“红成”的头头们也来，他们对他都十分殷勤、周到。
I visited my parents there often, riding a borrowed bicycle for an hour on potholed country roads. My father seemed peaceful. He would say over and over again how grateful he felt to these students for enabling him to get treatment.
我也常去看望父母，借了辆自行车在坑坑洼洼的乡间道路上骑一个钟头。父亲看上去似乎很平静，他一再向学生们道谢，感谢他们替他治好了精神病。
When it was dark, he was allowed out, and we went for long, quiet strolls on the campus, followed at a distance by a couple of guards. We wandered along the lanes lined with hedges of Cape jasmine. The fist-sized white flowers gave off a strong fragrance in the summer breeze. It seemed like a dream of serenity, so far away from the terror and violence. I knew this was my father's prison, but I wished he would never have to come out.
天黑后，他可以出小院，我们就在校园里散步。身后不远处跟着两名学生。我们沿着弯曲的小道走去，路边拳头般大小的栀子花在夏日黄昏的凉风中散发着浓浓的香气。这种安宁好像是一场梦，远离暴力和恐怖。我知道这里是父亲的监狱，但我希望他永远呆在这里。
In the summer of 1967, factional fighting among the Rebels was escalating into mini civil war all over China.
1967年夏天，全中国的造反派之间的派战变成小型内战。
The antagonism between the Rebel factions was far greater than their supposed anger toward the capitalist-roaders, because they were fighting tooth and nail for power. Kang Sheng, Mao's intelligence chief, and Mme Mao led the Cultural Revolution Authority in stirring up more animosity by calling the factional fighting 'an extension of the struggle between the Communists and the Kuomintang' without specifying which group was which. The Cultural Revolution Authority ordered the army to 'arm the Rebels for self-defense," without telling them which factions to support. Inevitably, different army units armed different factions on the basis of their own preferences.
他们敌对的情绪远远超过了对走资派的仇恨，因为他们棋逢对手，现在才是真正在为自己争夺权力。以毛泽东的情报首脑康生和毛夫人江青为首的中央文革小组火上加油，称两派的武斗是“共产党和国民党斗争的延续”，却又不说明哪派是共产党，哪派是国民党。中央文革小组下令军队武装造反派，让造反派“文攻武卫”，但又没有告诉军队应该支持哪一派，结果各个部队纷纷武装自己偏爱的那一派。
The armed forces were in great upheaval already, because Lin Biao was busy trying to purge his opponents and replace them with his own men. Eventually Mao realized that he could not afford instability in the army, and reined in Lin Biao. However, he appeared to be in two minds about the factional fighting among the Rebels. On the one hand, he wanted the factions to unite so that his personal power structure could be established. On the other hand, he seemed incapable of repressing his love of fighting: as bloody wars spread across China he said, "It is not a bad thing to let the young have some practice in using arms we haven't had a war for so long."
军队此刻已处在大动荡中，林彪正忙于清洗军队里的对手，安插他的亲信。毛泽东明白军队不能乱，便约束住了林彪的行动。不过，他对造反派之间的武斗态度暧昧。(此处删去3行)
In Sichuan, the battles were especially fierce, partly because the province was the center of China's arms industry. Tanks, armored cars, and artillery were taken from the production lines and warehouses by both sides. Another cause was the Tings, who set out to eliminate their opponents. In Yibin there was brutal fighting with guns, hand grenades, mortars, and machine guns. Over a hundred people died in the city of Yibin alone. In the end Red Chengdu was forced to abandon the city.
在四川，武斗格外激烈。部分原因是这个省是中国军火工业的基地。坦克车、装甲车和大炮被造反派从装配线、军火库里调出来武装自己；另一个原因是“二挺”想利用武斗来消灭自己的反对派“红成”。在“二挺”发源地宜宾，残酷的武斗还用上了步枪、手榴弹、迫击炮和机关枪，仅宜宾城里就有一百多人被打死。“红成”被迫放弃这座城市。
Many went to the nearby city of Luzhou, which was held by Red Chengdu. The Tings dispatched over 5,000 members of 26 August to attack the city, and eventually seized it, killing nearly 300 and wounding many more.
许多“红成”成员撤到宜宾附近仍在“红成”掌握中的城市泸州。“二挺”派遣了一支五千多人的“八·二六”枪打炮轰，最后夺占了这座城市，打死了近三百人，受伤的更是不计其数。
In Chengdu, the fighting was sporadic, and only the most fanatical joined in. Even so, I saw parades of tens of thousands of Rebels carrying the blood-soaked corpses of people killed in bat ties and people shooting rifles in the streets.
成都的派战武斗是零零星星，只有最疯狂的人才被卷了进去。既便如此，我仍亲眼目睹过多次有数万人之众的“抬尸游行”，抬着武斗中丧生的浑身是血的尸体，边走边对空中鸣枪。
It was under these circumstances that Red Chengdu made three requests of my father: to announce his support for them; to tell them about the Tings; and to become an adviser and eventually represent them on the Sichuan Revolution Committee.
就是在这种形势下，“红成”向我父亲提出了三点要求：第一，宣布支持他们；第二，揭发“二挺”；第三，当他们的顾问，代表他们参加四川省革命委员会。
He refused. He said he could not back one group against another, nor could he provide information against the Tings, as that might aggravate the situation and create more animosity. He also said he would not represent a faction on the Sichuan Revolutionary Committee indeed, he had no desire to be on it at all.
我父亲拒绝了。他说他不能卷进造反派之间的争斗，也不能提供反“二挺”的资料，因为这只会恶化情势，制造更多的仇恨。他说他不会代表任何一派加入四川省革委会，他根本就不想进去。
Eventually, the friendly atmosphere turned ugly. The chiefs of Red Chengdu were split. One group said they had never encountered anyone so incredibly obstinate and perverse. My father had been persecuted to the brink of death, yet he refused to let other people avenge him. He dared to oppose the powerful Rebels who had saved his life. He turned down an offer to be rehabilitated and return to power. In anger and exasperation, some shouted: "Let's give him a good beating. We should at least break a couple of his bones to teach him a lesson!"
友好的气氛于是变成了不快的争执。“红成”指挥部在此事上发生了分裂，一部分人说，他们从来没有遇到过如此固执和不识好歹的人，他几乎被“二挺”迫害致死，却拒绝让别人替他报仇。他还胆敢对强大的造反派说“不”字，而正是这个造反派救了他的命。更奇怪的是，他还拒绝平反和重新掌权。“红成”领导越来越生气，一些人大叫说“狠狠捧他一顿，打断他几根骨头，教训教训他！”
But Yan and Yong spoke up for him, as did a few others.
颜、翁及其他一些人替他说话。翁说：“有他这样品德的人太少了，不能打他，而且，就是打死他，他也不会屈服，只会是我们的羞耻。他是一个有原则的人！”
"It is rare to see a character like him," said Yong.
"It is not right to punish him. He would not bend even if he were beaten to death. And to torture him is to bring shame on us all. Here is a man of principle!"
Despite the threat of beating, and his gratitude to these Rebels, my father would not go against his principles. One night at the end of September 1967 a car brought him and my mother home. Yan and Yong could no longer protect him. They accompanied my parents home, and said goodbye.
不管怎么威胁打他，不管他多感谢“红成”，父亲仍不愿违背他的原则。1967年9月底的一天夜晚，一辆车把他跟母亲送回了家。颜、翁保护不了他，他们送他到家，依依不舍地说再见。
My parents immediately fell into the hands of the Tings and Mrs. Shau's group. The Tings made it clear that the attitude staff members took toward my father would determine their future. Mrs. Shau was promised the equivalent of my father's job in the forthcoming Sichuan Revolutionary Committee, provided my father was 'thoroughly smashed." Those who showed sympathy to my father were themselves condemned.
我父母马上又落到“二挺”和姚女士的造反派手里。姚女士希望用折磨我父亲来讨好“二挺”，在即将成立的四川省革命委员会中担任我父亲那一职位。“二挺”还把意思表达得很清楚，谁要是对我父亲好，谁就会自毁前程。省委宣传部中同情我父亲、不肯随波逐流的人也遭到批斗。
One day two men from Mrs. Shau's group came to our apatunent to take my father away to a 'meeting." Later they returned and told me and my brothers to go to his depa~i,nent to bring him back.
一天，姚女士的两名部下到我家抓走了父亲，说是要他参加批斗会。不久，他们又来我家，通知我和弟弟们去把他领回来。
My father was leaning against a wall in the courtyard of the department, in a position which showed that he had been trying to stand up. His face was black and blue, and unbelievably swollen. His head had been half shaved, clearly in a very rough manner.
父亲斜倚在宣传部院子内的一堵墙边，正挣扎着想站起来。他的脸上青一块、紫一块，肿得奇大，头发放胡乱剪成了阴阳头。
There had been no denunciation meeting. When he arrived at the office, he was immediately yanked into a small room, where half a dozen large strangers set upon him. They punched and kicked the lower part of his body, especially his genitals. They forced water down his mouth and nose and then stamped on his stomach. Water, blood, and excreta were pressed out. My father fainted.
原来那天并没有什么批斗会。他一到宣传部，就被推进一问小屋子里，里面站者几个不认识的大汉，正在等他。他们一看他就挥拳猛打，专打他的脸部和腰部，用脚狠踢他的下身。他们还用水灌入他的鼻子嘴里，然后踩他的肚子，把水、血和粪便强压出来，父亲昏迷了过去。
When he came to, the thugs had disappeared. My father felt terribly thirsty. He dragged himself out of the room, and scooped some water from a puddle in the courtyard.
当他醒过来时，暴徒们不见了。他口渴难忍，爬出房间，从院子里的脏水坑里用手舀水喝。
He tried to stand up, but was unable to stay on his feet.
他想站，却站不起来。
Members of Mrs. Shau's group were in the courtyard, but no one lifted a finger to help him.
院子里满是姚女士的造反派，没有一个人伸出一根指头帮他。
The thugs came from the 26 August faction in Chongqing, about x5o miles from Chengdu. There had been large-scale battles there, with heavy artillery lobbing shells across the Yangtze. 26 August was driven out of the city, and many members fled to Chengdu, where some were accommodated in our compound. They were restless and frustrated, and told Mrs. Shau's group that their fists 'itched to put an end to their vegetarian life and to taste some blood and meat." My father was offered up to them.
打我父亲的暴徒是“八·二六”在重庆的伙伴“反到底”的成员。重庆是座距成都一百五十哩的山城，这里爆发了大规模武斗甚至重炮轰过长江。“反到底”被赶出山城，许多成员流落到成都，有些人就住进省委大院。这些人怒气无处发泄，找到了姚女士等人，说他们的手心“发痒”，想“开斋”，尝尝血肉的滋味，于是父亲被抓过来“贡献”给他们。
That night, my father, who had never once moaned after his previous beatings, cried out in agony. The next morning, my fourteen-year-old brother Jin-ming raced to the compound kitchen as soon as it was open to borrow a cart to take him to the hospital. Xiao-her, then thirteen, went out and bought a hair clipper, and cut the remaining hair from my father's half-shaved head. When he saw his bald head in the mirror, my father gave a wry smile.
那天夜里，父亲不断发出一阵阵不由自主的呻吟声。他是个很坚强的人，以前多次挨打，回家后从来没有哼过一声。第二天清晨，十四岁的弟弟京明跑到食堂门口守候，门一开就进去借了辆手推车，拉父亲去医院。行前，十三岁的小黑借来一把发剪理光了父亲的阴阳头。父亲从镜子里看见自己的光头时，露出一丝苦笑说：
"This is good. I won't have to worry about my hair being pulled next time I'm at a denunciation meeting."
“这也好，下次批斗会，我就用不着担心被揪头发了。”
We put my father on the cart and pulled him to a nearby orthopedic hospital. This time we did not need authorization to get him looked at, as his ailment had nothing to do with the mind. Mental illness was a very sensitive area.
我们把父亲放在手推车上，送到最近的骨科医院。这次不像治精神病，不需要批准了，骨头没有意识形态的色彩，跟头脑没关系。
Bones had no ideological color. The doctor was very warm.
When I saw how carefully he touched my father, a lump rose in my throat. I had seen so much shoving, slapping, and hitting, and so little gentleness.
当我看见那医生满脸同情地轻轻触摸父亲，小心翼翼地为他检查时，我的喉咙哽住了。仇恨、打斗我见得太多，而爱心、温柔却太少太少。
The doctor said two of my father's ribs were broken. But he could not be hospitalized. That needed authorization.
医生说我父亲有两根肋骨被打断了，但不能收他住院，住院要特别批准。
Besides, there were far too many severe injuries for the hospital to accommodate. It was crams ed with people who had been wounded in the denunciation meetings and the factional fightng. I saw a young man on a stretcher with a jl third of his head gone. His companion told us he had been hit by a hand grenade.
另外，医院也是人满为患，天天的批斗大会，派系武斗也是家常便饭，受重伤的人实在太多了。我曾看见一个青年人躺在担架上，头有三分之一不见了，抬他的人说是被手榴弹炸的。
My mother went to see Chen Mo again, and asked him to put in a word with the Tings to stop my father's beatings.
我母亲又去见陈沫，恳求他向“二挺”求情，不要再毒打她的丈夫了。
A few days later Chen told my mother the Tings were prepared to 'forgive' my father if he would write a wall poster singing the praises of 'good officials' Liu Jie-ting and Zhang Xi-ting. He emphasized that they had just been given renewed full, explicit backing by the Cultural Revolution Authority, and Zhou Enlai had specifically stated that he regarded the Tings as 'good officials." To continue to oppose them, Chen told my mother, was tantamount to 'throwing an egg against a rock." when my mother told my father, he said, "There's nothing good to say about them."
几天后，陈带来答复：“二挺”打算“原谅”我父亲，只是他必须写份大字报，赞扬“好干部刘结挺、张西挺”。陈沫还强调说：“二挺”近来不仅获得中央文革小组的全力支持，而且周恩来还特别称赞他们是“好干部”。陈沫告诉我母亲，继续和“二挺”作对等于是拿鸡蛋碰石头。当母亲把这番话转告父亲时，他说：“我不写，他俩没有干过好事。”母亲流着泪求他：“你不要当官，也不要平反，这都算了。但你总要保住一条命嘛！”
"But," she implored him tearfully, 'this is not to get your job back, or even for rehabilitation, it's for your life!? What is a poster compared to a life?"
"I will not sell my soul," answered my father.
父亲回答说：“我不出卖灵魂。”
For over a year, until the end of 1968, my father was in and out of detention, along with most of the former leading officials in the provincial government. Our apa~uHent was constantly raided and turned upside down. Detention was now called "Mao Zedong Thought Study Courses." The pressure in these 'courses' was such that many groveled to the Tings; some committed suicide. But my father never gave in to the Tings' demands to work with them. He would say later how much having a loving family had helped him. Most of those who committed suicide did so after their families had disowned them. We visited my father in detention whenever we were allowed, which was seldom, and surrounded him with affection whenever he was home for a fleeting stay.
一直到1968年年底的这一年多，我父亲和大多数以前的四川省委领导干部一样，不断地被拘留、释放，我们的家也不断被抄来砸去。拘留干部现在有了个时髦的名字：毛泽东思想学习班。在学习班上，“二挺”对那些胆敢反对他们的干部施加了强大的压力，有些人自杀了。但是我父亲抗住了压力，拒不答应跟“二挺”合作。他后来说，多亏他有一个温暖的家庭，没有家人的爱，他也会走上绝路。当时我们全家的心思都关注在父亲身上，父亲被拘留时，一准探视，我们就去看望他。他每次短暂回家，我们都尽力安慰他，使他感到家里充满爱。
The Tings knew that my father loved my mother very much, and tried to break him through her. Intense pressure was put on her to denounce him. She had many reasons to resent my father. He had not invited her mother to their wedding. He had let her walk hundreds of agonizing miles, and had not given her much sympathy in her crises. In Yibin he had refused to let her go to a better hospital for a dangerous birth. He had always given the Party and the revolution priority over her. But my mother had understood and respected my father and had above all never ceased to love him. She would particularly stand by him now that he was in trouble. No amount of suffering could bring her to denounce him.
“二挺”知道我父亲很爱他的妻子，所以想通过我母亲来摧毁他的意志。他们派人给我母亲施加压力，要她揭发他。我母亲本来有很多理由埋怨我父亲：他不邀请她母亲参加婚礼；让她艰苦步行了数百里；在她处境困难时没有给她多少同情；当她难产时，不送她到更好的医院救治；他总是把党和革命看得比她重要。然而，我母亲了解他、敬重他，从来没有停止过爱他，现在他身陷困境，她更觉得自己要跟他同生共死。不管受到多大压力，她绝不跟他“划清界限”。
My mother's own department turned a deaf ear to the Tings' orders to torment her, but Mrs. Shau's group was happy to oblige, and so were some other organizations which had nothing to do with her. Altogether, she had to go through about a hundred denunciation meetings. Once she was taken to a rally of tens of thousands of people in the People's Park in the center of Chengdu to be denounced. Most of the participants had no idea who she was. She was not nearly important enough to merit such a mass event.
我母亲的东城区委宣传部对“二挺”命令置若罔闻，但姚女士的手下很愿意效劳，一些跟我母亲毫无关系的组织也出来帮忙整她，数不清有多少次她被揪去批斗。有一次是在成都市中心的人民公园，那里聚集了上万人，绝大多数人根本不知她是何许人也，她的官还没有大到那种程度。
My mother was condemned for all sorts of things, not least for having a warlord general as a father. The fact that General Xue had died when she was barely two made no difference.
我母亲被扣上各种各样的罪名，包括她有个军阀爸爸，尽管这个爸爸在她不到两岁时就死了。
In those days, every capitalist-roader had one or more teams investigating his or her past in minute detail, because Mao wanted the history of everyone working for him thoroughly checked. At different times my mother had four different teams investigating her, the last of which contained about fifteen people. They were sent to various parts of China. It was through these investigations that my mother came to know the whereabouts of her old friends and relatives with whom she had lost contact for years.
文革期间，每个走资派最少有一个专案组，收集他们的资料，调查他们的过去，毛泽东想把每个为他工作的人的底细查个一清二楚。先后曾有四个专案组专门审查我母亲，最后那组有十五人，被派到各地去调查。正是通过他们，我母亲才得知多年失去联络的老朋友和亲戚们的下落。
Most of the investigators just went sight-seeing and returned with nothing incriminating, but one group came back with a 'scoop."
当然，大多数调查者都是游山玩水，回来时两手空空，只有一个小组带回惊人的“收获”。
Back in Jinzhou in the late 1940s, Dr. Xia had let a room to the Communist agent Yu-wn, who had been my mother's boss, in charge of collecting military information and smuggling it out of the city. Yu-wu's own controller, who was unknown to my mother then, had been pretending to work for the Kuomintang. During the Cultural Revolution, he was put under intense pressure to confess to being a Kuomintang spy, and was tortured atrociously. In the end, he 'confessed," inventing a spy ring which included Yu-wu.
四十年代后期，在锦州时，夏瑞堂曾租了几间屋子给地下共产党员毓武居住。毓武负责搜集锦州城内国民党的军事情报，并偷送出城，他一度是我母亲的上司。毓武本人的上司当时潜伏在国民党内。文革期间，这人被酷刑逼供，要他坦白是“国民党特务”。最后他受不了酷刑而交出一个“特务网”，其中包括毓武。
Yu-wu was tortured ferociously as well. In order to avoid incriminating other people, he killed himself by slashing his wrists. He did not mention my mother. But the investigation team found out about their connection and claimed that she was a member of the 'spy ring."
毓武也受到严刑折磨，最后无法忍受时，为避免牵连无辜，他割腕自杀，他至死也没提到我母亲，但是专案组却发现了他们的关系，硬说她是“特务网”的一员。
Her teenage contact with the Kuomintang was dragged up. All the questions that had come up in 1955 were gone over again. This time they were not asked in order to get an answer. My mother was simply ordered to admit that she was a Kuomintang spy. She argued that the investigation in 1955 had cleared her, but she was told that the chief investigator then, Mr. Kuang, was a 'traitor and Kuomintang spy' himself.
她十几岁时和国民党有过的那些关系都被翻了出来，所有曾在1955年审查过的问题现在又被翻出来查。这一次不再是提问题要她回答了，而是简单地命令她承认自己是国民党特务。她争辩说这段历史，在1955年已做了交代，没有问题，但她被告知她那时的专案组长匡先生本身就是“叛徒”。
Mr. Kuang had been imprisoned by the Kuomintang in his youth. The Kuomintang had promised to release underground Communists if they signed a recantation for publication in the local newspaper. At first he and his comrades had refused, but the Party instructed them to accept. They were told the Party needed them, and did not mind 'anti-Communist statements' which were not sincere. Mr. Kuang followed orders and was duly released.
匡先生年轻时曾被国民党抓进监狱。国民党对被捕的共产党员承诺，只要他们签下悔过书，刊登在地方报纸上，就释放他们。起初匡先生和他的同志们拒绝了，但共产党组织指示他们接受这个条件，说是党需要他们出来工作，不在意签署那份并非真心实意的“反共声明”。匡先生执行了指示，被释放了。
Many others had done the same thing. In one famous case in 1936, sixty-one imprisoned Communists were released this way. The order to 'recant' was given by the Party Central Committee and delivered by Liu Shaoqi.
这类事在当时极为普遍，许多共产党员都是这样出狱的。最有名的一次是在1936年，六十一名被捕的共产党员遵照当时的中央委员会指示，在国民党拟好的“反共启事”上按手印出了狱，刘少奇是直接下达指示的人。
Some of these sixty-one subsequently became top officials in the Communist government, including vice-premiers, ministers, and first secretaries of provinces. During the Cultural Revolution, Mme Mao and Kang Sheng announced that they were 'sixty-one big traitors and spies."
这六十一人当中有不少人后来都成了共产党的高级干部，其中有人当上副总理、中央部长以及好几个省的第一书记。
The verdict was endorsed by Mao personally, and these people were subjected to the cruelest tortures. Even people remotely connected with them got into deadly trouble.
文革期间，经毛泽东亲自批准，这些人被定为“六十一人叛徒集团”，残酷折磨，跟他们稍有关系的人都陷人了苦难的深渊。
Following this precedent, hundreds of thousands of former underground workers and their contacts, some of the bravest men and women who had fought for a Communist China, were charged with being 'traitors and spies' and suffered detention, brutal denunciation meetings, and torture.
以“六十一入叛徒集团案”为先导，几十万以前的共产党地下党员及跟他们有关系的人，包括那些最勇敢、舍身为共产党打天下的人，都被冠上内奸、叛徒和特务的罪名，被野蛮地批斗、拷打和关押。
According to a later official account, in the province next to Sichuan, Yunnan, over 14,000 people died. In Hebei province, which surrounds Peking, 84,000 were detained and tortured; thousands died. My mother learned years later that her first boyfriend, Cousin Hu, was among them. She had thought he had been executed by the Kuomintang, but his father had in fact bought him out of prison with gold bars. No one would ever tell my mother how he died.
根据后来公开的官方文件，与四川相邻的云南省有一万四千人死亡。在河北省，八万四千人遭受酷刑，数千人致死。我母亲后来才得知，她青梅竹马的男朋友胡表哥就是其中之一。她原先还以为他早已被国民党抓去枪毙，实际上他父亲用金条把他赎了出来。共产党掌权后，他一直在河北省政府工作，没有人肯告诉我母亲他是怎样死的。
Mr. Kuang fell under the same accusation. Under torture, he attempted suicide, unsuccessfully. The fact that he had cleared my mother in 1956 was alleged to prove her 'guilt." She was kept in various forms of detention on and off for nearly two years from late 1967 to October 1969. Her conditions depended largely on her guards. Some were kind to her when they were alone. One of them, the wife of an army officer, got medicine for her hemorrhage. She also asked her husband, who had access to privileged food supplies, to bring my mother milk, eggs, and chicken every week.
匡先生的“叛徒”罪名就是和这些人一样得来的，他受尽折磨不堪忍受而自杀，但被救活。由于是他在1956年为我母亲作了“无罪”的结论，如今这成了她有罪的证据。母亲在各种名义下被关押了近两年：从1967年底到1969年10月。她的处境好坏完全取决于看守的良心，有好几个看守暗地里待她很好，有位看守为母亲搞来了治子宫出血的药，还要她当军官的丈夫利用军队特别的食物补助，每星期给母亲带来牛奶、鸡蛋和鸡。
Thanks to kindhearted guards like her, my mother was allowed home several times for a few days. The Tings learned of this, and the kind guards were replaced by a sour4 aced woman whom my mother did not know, who tormented and tortured her for pleasure. When the fancy took her, she would make my mother stand bent over in the courtyard for hours. In the winter, she would make her kneel in cold water until she passed out. Twice she put my mother on what was called a 'tiger bench." My mother had to sit on a narrow bench with her legs stretched out in front of her. Her torso was tied to a pillar and her thighs to the bench so she could not move or bend her legs. Then bricks were forced under her heels. The intention was to break the knees or the hipbones. Twenty years before, in Jinzhou, she had been threatened with this in the Kuomintang torture chamber. The 'tiger bench' had to stop because the guard needed men to help her push in the bricks; they helped reluctantly a couple of times, but then refused to have any more to do with it. Years later the woman was diagnosed as a psychopath, and today is in a psychiatric hospital.
多亏有像她这样的好心看守，母亲才获准回了几次家，每次待几天。不久，此事让“二挺”发现了，好心肠的看守被换成一名酸黄瓜脸的妇女。这人是谁，从哪里来的，我母亲一概不知。她以折磨我母亲来取乐，心血来潮就命令母亲在院子里弯着腰站上几个钟头。冬天，她强迫母亲跪在冷水里，直到昏迷过去。有两次，她还强迫母亲坐在一根长条板凳上，两脚直直地伸向前，不能弯曲，她在母亲的脚后跟下塞砖头，目的是折断膝盖或坐骨。这种刑罚叫老虎凳，二十年前，在锦州时，母亲曾在国民党审讯室里见过。那次是吓唬她的，这次却来真的了，不过只坐了两次。原因是每次用刑时，女看守一人做不来，得找男看守帮忙，男看守很不情愿地帮了两次，就拒绝再做了。文化大革命结束后，这名女看守被诊断是个虐待狂患者，进了精神病院。
My mother signed many 'confessions," admitting that she had sympathized with a 'capitalist road." But she refused to denounce my father, and she denied all 'spy' charges, which she knew would inevitably lead to the incrimination of others.
关押期间，母亲签了许多“认罪书”，说她同情资本主义路线，但她拒绝谴责我父亲，也不肯承认是“特务”，因为她知道一旦承认就会牵连别人。
During her detention we were often not allowed to see her, and even had no idea where she was. I would wander the streets outside the possible place in the hope of catching sight of her.
那时，我们有好几个月见不到母亲，也不知道她被关在哪里。我常常在可能的拘留处大门外，晃来晃去，希望能侥幸看到她。
There was a period when she was detained in a deserted cinema on the main shopping street. There we were occasionally permitted to deliver a parcel for her to a warden, or to see her for a few minutes, although never on her own. When a fierce guard was on duty, we had to sit under freezing eyes. One day in autumn 1968 I went there to deliver a food parcel and was told it could not be accepted. No reason was given, and I was told not to send things anymore. When my grandmother heard the news she passed out. She thought my mother must be dead.
有一阵，她被关在成都的主要商业区春熙路上的大华电影院里。我们间或获准送包裹给她，交给看守，由她们转。有时也可以在看守在场时，跟她说几句话。如果碰上一个较凶狠的看守，我们就只能在敌意的目光监视下交谈。1968年秋季的一天，我给她送去一些食物，看守简单地对我说不要再送东西来了，问她为什么，她又不说，回家后，我姥姥一听就昏过去，以为女儿已离开人世了。
It was unbearable not knowing what had happened to my mother. I took my six-year-old brother Xiao-fang by the hand and went to the cinema. We walked up and down the street in front of the gate. We searched the rows of windows on the second floor. In desperation we screamed "Mother!? Mother!" at the top of our voices again and again.
我不知道母亲到底怎么样了，坐卧不安，拉着六岁的弟弟小方的手又去了那家已没有电影好演的电影院。我们在门前的大街上来来回回地走，两眼搜索楼上的一排排窗户。我们看不见母亲，绝望地大喊“妈妈！妈妈！”
Passersby stared at us, but I took no notice. I just wanted to see her. My brother cried. But my mother did not appear.
行人都盯着我们看，我也不管，一心只想看到她，弟弟哭了起来，母亲还是没有出现。
Years later, she told me that she had heard us. In fact, her psychopath guard had opened the window slightly so our voices would be louder. My mother was told that if she agreed to denounce my father, and to confess to being a Kuomintang spy, she could see us immediately.
多年后，母亲告诉我，那天她听见了我们的喊声。事实上，那个虐待狂看守还有意稍稍打开窗户，让我们的声音传进去。她告诉我母亲，只要同意与父亲划清界线，承认自己是国民党特务，就能马上和我们团聚。
"Otherwise," said the guard, 'you may never get out of this building alive." My mother said no. All the time, she dug her nails into her palms to stop her tears from falling.
“否则，”那看守加强了语气，“你就别想活着从这栋楼出去！”我母亲仍说“不”，一边用指甲戳进掌心，不让眼泪掉下来。