24 "Please Accept My Apologies That Come a Lifetime Too Late"
二十四 “容我朝暮谢过，以赎前愆”
——My parents in camps (1969 – 1972)
——我父母在干校(1969—1972年)
Three days' truck journey from Chengdu, in northern Xichang, is Buffalo Boy Flatland. There the road forks, one branch heading southwest to Miyi, where my father's camp was, the other southeast to Ningnan.
从成都出发乘三天卡车，到了西昌北部的牛郎坝。这里南去的路分了叉，一条去西南面，通米易——我父亲的干校就在那里；另一条往东南，通宁南。
A famous legend gave the Flatland its name. The Goddess Weaver, daughter of the Celestial Queen Mother, used to descend from the Celestial Court to bathe in a lake there. (The meteor which fell on Meteorite Street is supposed to have been a stone that propped up her loom.) A boy living by the lake who looks after buffaloes sees the goddess, and they fall in love. They marry, and have a son and a daughter. The Celestial Queen Mother is jealous of their happiness, and sends some gods down to kidnap the goddess. They carry her off, and the buffalo boy rushes after them. Just as he is about to catch them, the Celestial Queen Mother pulls a hairpin from her coil and draws a huge river between them. The Silver River separates the couple permanently, except on the seventh day of the seventh moon, when magpies fly from all over China to form a bridge for the family to meet.
著名的牛郎织女神话就发生在这儿。王母娘娘的小女儿织女(我家那条支机石街的那块陨石据说就是支撑她织机的石头)从天庭下凡到这里的邛海中洗澡。在湖畔生活的一位放牛郎看见了这位女神，两人很快坠入爱河，结了婚，生了一儿一女。王母娘娘认为织女下嫁凡人触犯了“天条”，于是派天兵天将捉拿她回去。牛郎在后面紧迫不舍，在他快要赶上时。王母娘娘从头上拔出一支玉簪在他们两从中间一画，画出了一条巨大的河流——银河。银河把牛郎织女永远隔开，只在每年七月初七，普天下的喜鹊飞搭桥，两人才得以团聚一天。
The Silver River is the Chinese name for the Milky Way. Over Xichang it looks vast, with a mass of stars, the bright Vega, the Goddess Weaver, on one side, and Altair, the Buffalo Boy, with his two children, on the other. This legend has appealed to the Chinese for centuries because their families have often been broken up by wars, bandits, poverty, and heartless governments. Ironically, it was to this place that my mother was sent.
在西昌格外晴朗的夜空中，银河这亿万颗星组成的洪流显得分外苍莽浩瀚。明亮的织女星在银河一岸，牛郎和两个孩子的牛郎星座则在另外一岸。多少世纪以来，这个神话故事一直口口相传，因为中国人的家庭老是被战争、土匪、贫穷及冷酷无情的政府所拆散。具有讽刺意味的是，母亲就是被送到这里。
She arrived there in November 1969, with her 500 former colleagues from the Eastern District Rebels as well as capitalist-roaders. Because they had been ordered out of Chengdu in a hurry there was nowhere for them to live, except for a few shacks left by army engineers who had been building a railway from Chengdu to Kunming, the capital of Yunnan. Some squeezed into these. Others had to cram their bed rolls into the houses of local peasants.
她是在1969年11月到达这里的。同行是约五百名以前的东城区同事，既有走资派，也有造反派。他们从成都被匆匆撵走，到了这里没有住处，只有几间曾在这儿建筑成都—昆明铁路的工程兵留下来的土屋。一些人搬进了这些土屋，另一些人则挤进当地农民家。
There were no building materials except cogon grass and mud, which had to be dug out and carried down from the mountains. The mud for the walls was mixed with water and made into bricks. There were no machines, no electricity, not even any work animals. On the Flatland, which is about 5,000 feet above sea level, it is the day, rather than the year, that is divided into four seasons. At seven in the morning, when my mother started working, the temperature was around freezing. By midday, it could reach the high 80s. At about 4 p.m. hot winds swirled through the mountains and literally swept people off their feet. At seven in the evening, when they finished work, the temperature plummeted again. In these harsh extremes my mother and the other inmates worked twelve hours a day, breaking only for a brief lunch. For the first few months, all they had to eat was rice and boiled cabbage.
建筑材料只有泥土和茅草。泥土得从山上挖出，担下来，混合着水做成泥砖。没有机械，没有电，没有牲畜代工。牛郎坝高达海拔五千尺，一年没有明显的四季之分，一天却有四季。早上七点，当母亲开始劳动时，气温在零度以下，中午则骤升到27摄氏度。下午四点，热旋风卷起小石子往人脸上打，身上热得想剥层皮。晚上七点收工时，温度又往下跌。在这种恶劣的条件下，母亲和其他人每天得劳动十二个小时，只有中午短暂的吃顿饭才算休息一会儿。开始的那几个月，吃的只有米和水煮甘蓝菜。
The camp was organized like an army, run by army officers, and came under the control of the Chengdu Revolutionary Committee. At first my mother was treated as a class enemy and was forced to stand for the whole of every lunch break with her head bowed. This form of punishment, called field side denunciation," was recommended by the media as a way to remind the others, who were able to rest, that they should save some energy for hatred. My mother protested to her company commander that she could not work all day without resting her legs. The officer had been in the Military Department of the Eastern District before the Cultural Revolution, and had got on well with her; he put a stop to the practice. Still, my mother was given the hardest jobs, and she did not have Sundays off, unlike the other inmates. The bleeding from her womb worsened. Then she was struck down with hepatitis. Her whole body was yellow and swollen, and she could hardly stand up.
母亲的干校是按照军队编制，由一些军官管理，受成都市革命委员会直接控制。最初我母亲被当作“阶级敌人”，中午吃饭时不准坐下，得低着头站在一旁“认罪”。宣传媒体说这种惩罚方式可以提醒人们不忘阶级斗争，休息时还得留出一分精力来仇恨。母亲向她的军官连长抗议，说她总不能一天到晚干活不歇口气。这人是文革前东城区武装部的军官，和母亲关系甚好，于是他下令停止这种处罚。不过母亲仍被分配去做最笨重的活，也不像别人那样有星期日可休息。结果她的子宫出血情况又恶化了，随即还得了肝炎，又黄又肿，站起来都很困难。
One thing the camp did have was doctors, as half the hospital staff in the Eastern District had been packed off there. Only those who were most in demand by the bosses of the Revolutionary Committees remained in Chengdu.
干校倒不乏医生，东城区医院的一部分医务人员也下放到这里。只有革命委员会成员们最需要的医生才准留在成都。
The doctor who treated my mother told her how grateful he and the other hospital staff were to her for protecting them before the Cultural Revolution, and said that had it not been for her he would probably have been labeled a rightist back in 1957. There was no Western medicine available, so he went miles to gather herbs like Asiatic plantain and sun plants which the Chinese consider good for hepatitis.
为母亲治病的医生告诉她，他和同事们都非常感谢她，因为她在文革前的政治运动中没整他们。因为缺乏西药，这个医生就走很远的路为她采集草药，像车前草、半枝莲、鱼腥草、仙鹤草等。
He also exaggerated the infectiousness of her illness to the camp authorities, who then moved her to a place entirely on her own, half a mile away. Her tormentors left her alone, for fear of infection, but the doctor came to see her every day, and secretly ordered a daily supply of goat's milk from a local peasant. My mother's new residence was a deserted pigsty. Sympathetic inmates cleaned it for her and put a thick layer of hay on the ground. It felt to her like a luxurious mattress. A friendly cook volunteered to deliver meals. When no one was looking, she would include a couple of eggs. When meat became available, my mother had it every day, while the others got it only once a week.
那位医生还向干校的当权者夸大她的肝炎传染性，这一下他们怕了，把她搬到半哩外一处废弃了的猪圈里，让她单独住。一些好心的同事帮她把猪圈打扫干净，铺上干草，睡上去简直就像豪华的床垫。折磨她的人不敢沾边，医生却天天来看她，悄悄替她向当地农民订了份羊奶，逐日送来，一位同情她的炊事员为她每天送饭。当四下无人肘，她就会偷偷往菜里打个鸡蛋。干校有肉吃了后，我母亲每天都能吃到肉，而其他人只能每星期吃一回。
She also had fresh fruit pears and peaches provided by friends who bought them at markets. As far as she was concerned, her hepatitis was a godsend.
她还有水果吃——梨子和桃子，是朋友们在市场上买的。害肝炎对我母亲来说真是“天赐良机”。
After about forty days, much to her regret, she recovered and was moved back into the camp, now housed in new mud huts. The Flatland is an odd place in that it attracts lightning and thunder but not rain, which falls on the surrounding mountains. The local peasants did not plant crops on the plains, because the soil was too dry and it was dangerous during the frequent dry thunderstorms. But this land was the only resource available to the camp, so they planted a special strain of drought-resistant corn and carried water from the lower slopes of the mountains. In order to get a future supply of rice, they offered to help the local peasants harvest theirs.
大约四十天后，她不无惋惜地恢复了健康，搬回干校营地，此时大家都搬进新土屋了。牛郎坝的气候很奇特，“雷在中间打，雨在团转下”，也就是说坝子中央小盆地四周山上下雨，盆地中却无雨，只干打雷闪电。因为盆地里土壤太干，而且一打雷就危险，当地农民不在这里种庄稼。但是这里却是干校唯一可以弄到的土地。他们种上抗旱玉米，从山凹低地担水过来。大家都很想吃米，于是提出帮农民做活，以工换米。
The peasants agreed, but it was the local custom that women were forbidden to carry water and men were barred from planting rice, which could only be done by married women with children, particularly sons. The more sons a woman had, the more she was in demand for this back breaking job. The belief was that a woman who had produced a lot of sons would produce more grains in the rice she planted ('sons' and 'seeds' have the same sound, zi, in Chinese). My mother was the prime 'beneficiary' of this ancient custom. As she had three sons, more than most of her women colleagues, she had to spend up to fifteen hours a day bent double in the paddy fields, with an inflamed lower abdomen, and bleeding.
农民答应了。当地风俗是女人不准担水，男人不准插秧，而且插秧的妇女必须是生过儿女的，最好是儿子。农民们相信多子的女人插的身“结子多”，产量高。我母亲成了这个风俗下的首选对象，她生了五个孩子，有三个是儿子。比大多数女同事都多。这下她得整天弯着腰在水田里做十五个小时，子宫不时地出血。
At night, she joined everyone else in taking turns to guard the pigs from wolves. The mud-and-grass shacks backed on to a range of mountains aptly called "Wolves' Lair." The wolves were very clever, the locals told the new arrivals. When one got into a pigsty, it would gently scratch and lick a pig, particularly behind its ears, to get the animal into a kind of pleasurable trance, so it would not make a noise. Then the wolf would lightly bite the pig on one ear and lead it out of the sty, all the time rubbing its body with its fluffy tail. The pig would still be dreaming of being caressed by a lover when the wolf pounced.
晚上，她和其他人轮流守夜看守猪圈，防止狼来偷猪。茅草土屋住地背后是连绵大山，叫“二狼窝”，可是名符其实的狼窝。农民告诉他们：狼很精，偷偷钻进猪圈后，对猪是又用舌头舔，又用爪搔，特别是搔猪耳朵后面，使猪舒服得迷迷糊糊的，不发一点声音。然后狼轻轻咬住猪耳朵，牵着它走，边走边用尾巴轻轻拍打猪身，此时猪还以为是情人在爱抚它，会乖乖地跟着狼，把自己送入狼口。
The peasants told the city folk that the wolves and occasional leopards were afraid of fires. So every night a fire was lit outside the pigsty. My mother spent many sleepless nights watching meteors shooting across the starlit vault of the sky, with the silhouette of the Wolves' Lair against it, listening to the distant howling of the wolves.
农民还告诉城里人，有时还会出现豹子。这些野兽都害怕火光。因而每到夜晚猪圈外都得点起篝火，有人守夜。就在这些火堆边上，我母亲度过了许多个不眠的夜晚，坐在火堆边上望着流星闪着白光划过繁星满布的苍穹，二狼窝山的黑色轮廓映在天边，狼嚎声时隐时现，时远时近。
One evening she was washing her clothes in a small pond. When she straightened up from her squatting position she found she was staring straight into the red eyes of a wolf standing about twenty yards away across the pond.
一天傍晚，她蹲在小池塘边洗衣服。洗完直起腰来时，她看见对岸二十多码外有一只狼瞪着眼睛望着她。
Her hair stood on end, but she remembered that her childhood friend Big Old Lee had told her that the way to deal with a wolf was to walk backwards, slowly, never showing any sign of panic, and not to turn and run. So she backed away from the pond and walked as calmly as she could toward the camp, all the time facing the wolf, who followed her. When she reached the edge of the camp, the wolf stopped. The fire was in sight, and voices could be heard.
她头发一下子竖起来，但马上，她记起了童年时大老李告诉她的故事，遇到狼时得退着慢慢走，不要露出惊慌失措的神色来，不要回身，不要跑。她照这样倒退着一步步往住处走，脸总朝着狼，狼也跟着她。翻过山坡她到了住地边，狼站住了。这里可以看见火光，听见人声。这时她才猛地转过身飞快地跑进一扇门里。
She swung around and raced into a doorway.
The fire was almost the only light in the depth of the nights in Xichang. There was no electricity. Candles, when available at all, were prohibitively expensive, and there was very little kerosene. But there was not much to read anyway. Unlike Deyang, where I had relative freedom to read Jin-ming's black-market books, a cadres' school was tightly controlled. The only printed materials allowed were the selected works of Mao and the People's Daily. Occasionally, a new film was shown in an army barracks a few miles away: it was invariably one of Mine Mao's model operas.
在西昌的夜里，篝火几乎是仅有的光明。这里没有电，蜡烛是有，但贵得吓人，煤油很少。不过有灯也没有什么东西可读，不像我在德阳比较自由，可以看京明从黑市上买来的书，干校控制得很严，能阅读的只有《毛泽东选集》和《人民日报》。偶尔，几哩外的驻军兵营放映电影，总是毛夫人江青的样板戏。
As the days, then months went by, the harsh work and lack of relaxation became unbearable. Everyone missed their families and children, the Rebels included. Their resentment was perhaps more intense because they now felt that all their past zealotry had turned out to be for nothing, and that whatever they did, they would never get back to power in Chengdu. The Revolutionary Committees had been filled in their absence. Within months of reaching the Flatland, depression replaced denunciations, and the Rebels sometimes had to be cheered up by my mother. She was given the nickname "Kuanyin' the goddess of kindness.
一天天、一月月过去了，繁重艰苦的劳动、单调枯燥的生活变得令人无法忍耐。每个人都想念家人和孩子，造反派也不例外。他们的怨声可能更大，因为他们意识到过去自己卖力是白费了，什么也没得到，更不能回成都重新进入政府工作了，革命委员会的缺已经占得满满的了。就这样，在来到牛郎坝的几个月后，消沉代替了大批判，造反派们的沮丧有时还得靠我母亲的说笑来驱散。她由此得了个绰号：“观音大士”。
At night, lying on her straw mattress, she thought back over her children's early years. She realized that there was not an awful lot of family life to remember. She had been an absentee mother when we were growing up, having submitted herself to the cause at the cost of her family.
夜里，躺在稻草床垫上，时时回想自己孩子们的童年。她发现自己想不起多少故事。在我们长大成人的过程中，她是一位忙于工作、经常不在家的母亲，把自己献给革命事业，牺牲了家庭生活。
Now she reflected with remorse on the pointlessness of her devotion. She found she missed her children with a pain which was almost unendurable.
现在我母亲悔恨地想她的一片忠心似乎毫无意义，她以一种无法忍耐的心疼想念着孩子们。
Ten days before Chinese New Year, in February 1970, after over three months on the Flatland, my mother's company was lined up in front of their camp to welcome an army commander who was coming for an inspection. After waiting for a long time, the crowd spotted a small figure approaching along the dirt track which climbed up from the distant road. They all stared at the moving figure, and decided it could not be the big shot: he would be in a car with an entourage. But it could not be a local peasant, either: the way the long black wool scarf was wrapped around the bent head was too stylish. It was a young woman with a large basket on her back. Watching her slowly coming nearer and nearer, my mother's heart started pounding. She felt it looked like me, and then she thought she might be imagining it.
1970年2月，母亲到牛郎坝三个月了。在春节的十天前，她的连队列队在住地前面准备欢迎一位来校视察的“首长”。等了老半天，只见土路上远远走过来一个人，大家都盯着看，低声议论，说这不可能是首长吧？他应该是乘小汽车来的，而且还应有随行人员。来人也不像当地农民：那种用长长的黑毛围巾包着头的样子太洋气了。等再近一点儿看，才发现这是个年轻姑娘，背上背着一个大背篓。看着她一点点走近，我母亲的心怦怦直跳，觉得来人像是我。
"How wonderful it would be if it was Er-hong!" she said to herself. Suddenly, people were nudging her excitedly: "It's your daughter!? Your daughter's here to see you!? Er-hong's here!"
她心想：“这要真是我的女儿该多好啊！”突然，周围的人兴奋地用手肘碰她说：“是你女儿来了，夏德鸿，你女儿来看你了，是二鸿！”
This was my mother's account of how she saw me coming after what seemed to her a lifetime. I was the first visitor to the camp, and was received with a mixture of warmth and envy. I had come on the same truck which had taken me to Ningnan to get my registration moved in June the year before. The big basket on my back was full of sausages, eggs, sweets, cakes, noodles, sugar, and finned meats. All five of us children and Specs had pooled things from our rations, or our shares from our production teams, to give our parents a treat. I was practically dragged down by the weight.
这是母亲后来告诉我的，当时她的心情好像是隔了若干世纪，突然见我自天而降。我是第一个儿女来干校探亲的，激起了大伙儿对母亲的羡慕和对我的亲热。6月从成都载我来西昌办户口的那辆卡车，这回又把我送到这里。我背上的大背篓里装满了香肠、鸡蛋、糖果、蛋糕、挂面、白糖、和罐头，全是我们五个孩子和“眼镜”从我们的配给及生产队分配的东西中节省下来的，为的是好好款待一下父母。背篓沉重得好像要把我压垮。
Two things immediately struck me. My mother looked well she was just over her convalescence from hepatitis, as she told me later. And the atmosphere around her was not hostile. In fact, some people were already calling her "Kuanyin," which was absolutely incredible to me since she was officially a class enemy.
有两件事使我又吃惊又放心。第一，母亲看上去很好。她后来告诉我她刚从肝炎中康复。第二，她周遭已没有敌意气氛，不少人还叫她“观音大士”，这简直使我不敢想象，她还算是个“阶级敌人”啊！
A dark-blue scarf covered her hair and was knotted under her chin. Her cheeks were no longer fine and delicate. They had turned rough and deep red under the fierce sun and harsh wind, and her skin looked very much like that of a Xichang peasant. She appeared at least ten years older than her thirty-eight years. When she stroked my face, her hands felt like cracked old tree bark.
我母亲用一块深蓝色的头巾包着头，在下巴打了个结。她的脸不再细嫩了，在酷热的阳光和狂暴的风沙下变得十分粗糙，皮肤看上去像西昌当地的农民一样，比她实际年龄三十八岁要苍老十岁。当她抚摩我的脸时，我感到她的手像是块龟裂的老树皮。
I stayed ten days, and was to depart for my father's camp on New Year's Day. My nice truck driver was to pick me up where he had dropped me off. My mother's eyes moistened because, although his camp was not far away, she and my father were forbidden to visit each other. I put the food basket on my back untouched my mother insisted I take the whole lot to my father. Saving precious food for others has always been a major way of expressing love and concern in China. My mother was very sad that I was going, and kept saying she was sorry I had to miss the traditional Chinese New Year breakfast which her camp was going to serve: tang-yuan, round dumplings, symbolizing family union. But I could not wait for it for fear of missing the truck.
我呆了十天，在大年初一那天去父亲的干校。那位送我到这里的好心卡车司机将在我下车的那个地点来接我。母亲的眼睛湿润了，虽然父亲离这里不远，但是却不准她两人互相探望。我把原封不动的装满食品的背篓重新背在背上，母亲坚持把所有的东西都带给我父亲。母亲对我即将离去显得很悲伤，不断地说可惜她没能给我吃上传统的春节早餐——象征合家团聚的汤圆。但是我不能等，担心会误了车。
My mother walked half an hour with me to the roadside and we sat down in the high grass to wait. The sweep of the landscape undulated with the gentle waves of the thick cogon grass. The sun was already bright and warm. Mother hugged me, her whole body seeming to say that she did not want to let me go, that she was afraid she would never see me again. At the time, we did not know whether her camp and my commune would ever come to an end.
我和母亲步行了半小时来到公路边，坐在高高的茅草旁等候。周围的山脉像大海一样起伏着，厚厚的茅草就是海中的波涛。太阳变得耀眼温暖了。母亲搂着我，整个身体似乎都在说她舍不得让我走，担心再也看不见我了。
We had been told we would be there for life. There were hundreds of reasons why we might die before we saw each other again. My mother's sadness infected me, and I thought of my grandmother dying before I was able to get back from Ningnan.
当时我们并不知道她的干校和我的公社都有结束的一天，还以为这些地方就是我们的终老之地、有成百上千的可能性使我们将天人永隔。母亲的悲哀心情感染了我，我想起姥姥，我去了一趟宁南回来就失去了她。
The sun rose higher and higher. There was no trace of my truck. As the large rings of smoke that had been pouring out of the chimney of her camp in the distance thinned down, my mother was seized by regret that she had not been able to give me the New Year's breakfast. She insisted on going back to get some for me.
太阳越爬越高，仍然不见卡车的踪影，远处干校的烟囱冒出的股股浓烟渐渐稀疏了。没给我汤圆吃的遗憾情绪占据着母亲的心，她一定要回去拿。
While she was away the truck came. I looked toward the camp and saw her running toward me, the white-golden grass surging around her blue scarf. In her right hand she carried a big colorful enamel bowl. She was running with the kind of carefulness that told me she did not want the soup with the dumplings to spill. She was still a good way off, and I could see she would not reach me for another twenty minutes or so. I did not feel I could ask the driver to wait that long, as he was already doing me a big favor.
她离开后，卡车开来了。我往干校方向望去，远远见她正朝我跑来，白金色的干草在蓝头巾四周飘，她手捧着一个彩色瓷碗，小心翼翼地跑着，看得出不想让汤圆的汤洒出来。她还离得很远，约莫二十分钟才能到。我不能让司机等那么长的时间，他已经帮了我很大的忙了。
I clambered onto the back of the truck. I could see my mother still running toward me in the distance. But she no longer seemed to be carrying the bowl.
我爬上卡车，回头看见母亲还在跑，只是那个碗好像不见了。
Years later, she told me the bowl had fallen from her hand when she saw me climbing onto the truck. But she still ran to the spot where we had been sitting, just to make sure I had really gone, although it could not have been anyone else getting onto the truck. There was not a single person around in that vast yellowness? For the next few days she walked around the camp as though in a trance, feeling blank and lost.
几年之后，她告诉我当她看见我爬上卡车时，碗从手上落了下来。但是她依然跑着，想弄清真的是我上了车，虽然上卡车的不会是别人，在这灰黄的世界里没有一点人迹。她一连几天神志恍惚地走来转去，心里若有所失。
After many hours of being bounced around on the back of the truck, I arrived at my father's camp. It was deep in the mountains, and had been a forced labor camp a gulag. The prisoners had hacked a farm out of the wild mountains and had since been moved on to open up more harsh virgin land, leaving this relatively cultivated site for those one rung better off on China's punishment ladder, the deported officials. The camp was huge: it held thousands of former employees of the provincial government.
经过好几个小时的颠簸后。我到了父亲的干校，它坐落在大山之间，过去曾是劳改农场，犯人们在荒山野岭中开拓了这个农场，然后迁移到别的处女地去开发，把这块已耕出一点成果的土地让给这些比他们处境好一点的被贬人士。干校很大，容纳了几千名以前省组机关的干部。
I had to walk for a couple of hours from the road to reach my father's 'company." A rope suspension bridge wobbled over a deep chasm as I stepped onto it, almost making me lose my balance. Exhausted as I was, with the load on my back, I still managed to be amazed by the stunning beauty of the mountains. Although it was only early spring, bright flowers were everywhere, next to kapok trees and bushes of papayas. When I finally got to my father's dormitory, I saw a couple of colorful pheasants swaggering majestically under a glade of early pear, plum, and almond blossoms. Weeks later, the fallen petals, pink and white, were to bury the mud path.
我得走一两个小时才能到达父亲的“连队”。途中有座铁索桥架在深河谷上，一走上去就摇个不停，使我几乎失去平衡。背篓很沉，我筋疲力尽，但仍禁不住惊叹群山的壮美。虽然此时只是初春，鲜艳的山花已开了满山遍野，在木棉树下，番木瓜丛旁。走近父亲的营地时，我看见几只五彩缤纷的野鸡在梨、李、杏的花枝下大模大样地漫步。几星期后，树上抖落下来的粉红、洁白的花瓣，会淹没这些泥巴小路。
My first sight of my father after over a year was harrowing. He was trotting into the courtyard carrying two baskets full of bricks on a shoulder pole. His old blue jacket hung loose on him, and his rolled-up trouser legs revealed a pair of very thin legs with prominent sinews. His sun-beaten face was wrinkled, and his hair was almost gray. Then he saw me. He put down his load with a fumbling movement, the result of over excitement as I rushed over to him.
已有一年没有看见父亲了，看到他的第一眼使我翻肠倒肚地心酸。他挑着一担砖一路小跑着进了院子，旧蓝外套空荡荡地挂在身上，挽起来的裤脚露出一双青筋凸起的腿。风吹日晒的脸上满是皱纹。头发灰白斑斑。他看见了我，一阵手忙脚乱地放下担子，显然是兴奋得不知如何是好。
Because the Chinese tradition permitted little physical contact between fathers and daughters, he told me how happy he was through his eyes. They were so full of love and tenderness. In them I also saw traces of the ordeal he had been going through. His youthful energy and spark had given way to an air of aged confusion with a hint of quiet determination. Yet he was still in his prime, only forty-eight years old. A lump rose in my throat. I searched his eyes for signs of my worst fear, the return of his insanity. But he looked all right. A heavy load lifted from my heart.
我跑向他，中国传统父女不拥抱抚摸，他用眼睛告诉我他是多么高兴。他的眼神里都是爱和温情。我也从中看见了磨难留下来的痕迹，他昔日的朝气和活力变成了一种衰老的茫然，虽然犹带一丝不屈。他才四十几岁啊！应是年富力强的时候。我的喉咙哽住了，马上又紧张地审视他的眼睛，担心他的精神病是不是复发了。不过他看上去还好，我心里一块大石头落了地。
He was sharing a room with seven other people, all from his department. There was only one tiny window, so the door had to be left open all day to let in some light. The people in the room seldom spoke to each other, and no one greeted me at all. I felt immediately that the atmosphere was much more severe than in my mother's camp.
他和省委宣传部的另外七个人同住一间小屋子，墙上只有很小的一扇窗户，门总得开着，以透气透亮，甚至晚上有时也得开着门睡觉。屋子里的人互不打招呼，没有人理会找的到来。我马上感到这里的气氛比我母亲的干校要紧张得多。
The reason was that this camp was under the direct control of the Sichuan Revolutionary Committee, and therefore of the Tings. On the walls of the courtyard there were still layers of posters and slogans reading "Down with So-and-so' or "Eliminate So-and-so," against which were propped scarred hoes and spades. As I soon discovered, my father was still being subjected to frequent denunciation meetings in the evenings after a hard day's work. Since one way to get out of the camp was to be invited back to work for the Revolutionary Committee, and the way to do that was to please the Tings, some Rebels competed with each other to demonstrate their militancy, and my father was their natural victim.
看得出来，这地方是在四川省革命委员会——也就是在“二挺”的直接控制下。院子里的墙壁上贴满了一层层大标语和大字报：“打倒×××！”“×××不投降就叫他灭亡！”大字报下靠着些用破的锄头、铲、锹。很快，我就发现父亲在一天繁重体力劳动之后，还得在晚上挨批判斗争。既然只有一个法子可离开干校，这就是回去为革命委员会工作，而要做到这一点又只有讨“二挺”的欢心，于是一些造反派就竞相比赛谁最狠。我父亲成了当然的牺牲品。
He was not allowed into the kitchen. As an 'anti-Mao criminal," he was alleged to be so dangerous he might poison the food. It did not matter whether anyone believed this. The point was in the insult.
他不准进厨房，身为“攻击毛主席的现行反革命”，他是危险分子，可能在饭菜里下毒。这种事有没有人相信并不重要，关键是要凌辱他。
My father bore this and other cruelties with fortitude.
Only once did he allow his anger to show. When he first came to the camp, he was ordered to wear a white arm band with black characters saying 'counter revolutionary element in action." He pushed away the arm band violently and said from between clenched teeth, "Come on and beat me to death. I will not wear this!" The Rebels backed away. They knew he meant it and they had no order from above to kill him.
我父亲默默隐忍了种种折磨，只有一次按捺不住怒火。他刚到干校时，造反派要他戴白袖套，上面写着几个黑字：“现行反革命分子”。他一把把袖套摔开，咬紧牙说：“来！来把我打死算了，我不戴！”造反派只得罢休，他们深知他说话算话，而上面又没有下令要打死他。
Here in the camp, the Tings were able to revenge themselves on their enemies. Among them was a man who had been involved in the investigation into them in 1965. He had worked in the underground before 1949, and had been imprisoned and tortured by the Kuomintang, which had destroyed his health. In the camp he soon fell gravely ill, but he had to go on working, and was not allowed a single day off. Because he was slow, he was ordered to make it up in the evenings. Wall posters denounced him for his laziness. One of the posters I saw opened with the words:
“二挺”在干校尽情地整治他们的敌人。有位官员曾于1962年参加过调查他两人的专案组。这人在1949年以前从事共产党地下工作，被国民党抓进监狱受严刑拷打，摧毁了健康。在干校他已病得很重，但还得去干活，不能有一天休息。他做得慢，就强迫他晚上接着做。大字报说他“装病偷懒”。我看见一张大字报是这样开头的：
"Have you, Comrade, noticed this grotesque living skeleton with hideous facial features?"?
“同志们，你们可曾注意到这个面目狰狞的活死尸？……”
Under Xichang's relentless sun, his skin had become scorched and withered, and was peeling off in great chunks. Also, he was starved out of human shape: he had had two-thirds of his stomach cut out, and could digest only a small amount of food at a time. Because he could not have frequent meals, as he needed to, he was permanently starving.
在西昌无情的阳光下，他的皮肤晒干了，大块大块褪皮。他也饿得不成人形：他的胃切除了三分之二，得少食多餐，但他无法多次进餐，所以总是挨饿。
One day, in desperation, he went into the kitchen to look for some pickle juice. He was accused of trying to poison the food. Knowing he was on the verge of total collapse, he wrote to the camp authorities saying that he was dying and requesting to be spared some heavy jobs. The only answer was a venomous poster campaign. Soon afterward he fainted in a field under the blazing sun, as he was spreading manure. He was taken to the camp hospital and died the next day. He had no family at his deathbed. His wife had committed suicide.
一天，他饿得受不了，就走进厨房找些泡菜水喝，结果被人说是他想下毒。他预感死之将至，写了封信给干校领导，说自己快死了，可不可以减少点重活，结果唯一的答复是更狠毒的大字报浪潮。不久后的一天，他正在田里施肥时，在灼热的阳光下一头栽倒了。他被送到干校医院，两天后去世。临终前没有人在他的身边，他的妻子已经自杀了。
The capitalist-roaders were not the only ones who suffered in the cadres' school. People who had had any connection, however remote, with the Kuomintang, anyone who had by some misfortune become the target of some personal revenge, or the object of jealousy even leaders of the unsuccessful Rebel factions had been dying in the camp in scores. Many had thrown themselves into the roaring river that sliced through the valley. The river was called "Tranquillity' (An-ning-he). In the dead of night, its echoes spread many miles, and sent chills up the spines of the inmates, who said it sounded like the sobbing of ghosts.
在干校被迫害的人不光是走资派，那些与国民党有些微关联的人、那些私仇的目标、妒恨的对象，连失了宠的造反派头头，都在挨整。有许多人死了，不少是跳进奔腾咆哮、切过丛山的安宁河里自杀的。夜静更深时，河水在山谷中激起阵阵回声，几重山之外都能听见。干校的人不寒而栗，说这声音听上去就像是冤死的鬼魂在呜咽。
Hearing about these suicides increased my determination to help relieve the mental and physical pressure on my father as a matter of urgency. I had to make him feel lift. was worth living, and that he was loved. At his denunciation meetings, which were now largely nonviolent, as the inmates had run out of steam, I would sit where he could see me, so that he could feel reassured by my being with him. As soon as the meeting was over, we would go off together on our own. I would tell him cheerful things to make him forget the ugliness of the meeting, and massage his head, neck, and shoulders. And he would recite classical poems for me. During the day, I helped him with his jobs, which, naturally, were the hardest and dirtiest. Sometimes I would carry his loads, which weighed over a hundred pounds. I managed to show him a nonchalant face, although I could hardly stand under the weight.
每听到一件自杀的事，我就多一层紧迫感，决心减轻父亲精神和身体的压力，要他感到自己被爱，生活中有值得为之生存的东西。斗争他的会上——现在已变得非暴力了，因为干校的人已没有那么多精力了——我总坐在他能看见我的地方，使他感到有人陪伴而安心。会一结束，我们就一起去散步，我东拉西扯地说些闲话，让他忘却丑恶的斗争会。我让他坐下来给他按摩头、脖子、肩膀，他则背诵古诗给我听。白天我和他一起劳动，自然是干那些最脏最累的活。有时我帮他挑担子，担子有一百多斤重，我尽量显得若无其事，尽管在沉煎的负荷下，我站都站不住。
I stayed over three months. The authorities allowed me to eat in the canteen, and gave me a bed in a room with five other women, who only spoke to me briefly and coldly, if at all. Most of the inmates immediately assumed an air of hostility whenever they saw me. I just looked through them. But there were kind people as well, or people who were more courageous than others in showing their kindness.
我呆了三个多月。干校当局准许我在食堂里吃饭，在一间有五个女人的屋子里分给了我一张床。同室人自然不理我，非跟我说话不可时，也只是几个字。大多数干校的人见到我都露出“横眉冷对”的敌意，我也报以如入无人之境的样子。但是这里也有好心人，或者说是有勇气表现他们好心的人。
One was a man in his late twenties with a sensitive face and big ears. His name was Young, and he was a university graduate who had come to work in my father's par anent just before the Cultural Revolution. He was the 'commander' of the 'squad' to which my father belonged.
其中有个叫“永”，二十儿岁，有张善良细腻的脸，两只大耳朵。他是个大学毕业生，文革快开始时，分配到省委宣传部工作。在干校他是我父亲所在“班”的班长。
Although he was obliged to assign the hardest jobs to my father, whenever he could he would unobtrusively reduce his workload. In one of my fleeting conversations with him, I told him that I could not cook the food I had brought with me, as there was no kerosene for my small stove.
尽管他得服从命令，把最重的活分给我父亲，但一有可能，他就悄悄减轻我父亲的农活。有一次，我跟他简短对话时，说我带来的炉子没有煤油烧，没法为父亲弄熟带来的食物。
A couple of days later, Young sauntered past me with a blank expression on his face. I felt something metal thrust into my hand: it was a wire burner about eight inches high and four inches in diameter, which he had made himself. It burned paper balls made out of old newspapers they could be torn up now because Mao's portrait had disappeared from the pages. (Mao himself had stopped the practice, as he considered that its purpose 'to greatly and especially establish' his 'absolute supreme authority' had been achieved, and to go on with it would only result in overkill.) On the burner's blue-and-orange flames I produced food that was far superior to the camp fare. When the delicious steam seeped through the saucepan, I could see the jaws of my father's seven roommates involuntarily masticating. I regretted that I could not offer any of it to Young: we would both be in trouble if his militant colleagues got wind of it.
几天后，永绷着张毫无表情的脸，做出闲荡的样子从我身边走过，我感觉到有件金属制品塞到手上：是一个铁丝做成的炉子，高八寸，直径四寸，这是他自己做的，可以烧卷成小团的旧报纸。报纸现在可以烧掉了，毛泽东的像已从上面消失了。毛泽东自己不要报上老登他的像。登像的目的——“大树特树毛主席的绝对权威”——已经达到了，继续登只会适得其反。我在这个烧废纸的炉子上所烧的菜胜过干校伙食千倍万倍。当诱人的香气从小锅里冒出来时，我注意到父亲同室的七个人都不知不觉地做吞咽动作。我很遗憾不能给永一点，被同事听到风声，我们大家都要倒楣。
It was thanks to Young and other decent people like him that my father was allowed to have visits from his children. It was also Young who gave my father permission to leave the camp premises on rainy days, which were his only days off, since, unlike other inmates, he had to work on Sundays, just like my mother. As soon as it stopped raining, my father and I would go into the forests and collect wild mushrooms under the pine trees, or search for wild peas, which I would cook with a fin of duck or some other meat back in the camp. We would enjoy a heavenly meal.
多亏有永先生和其他正直的人，我家姐弟才得以到干校看望父亲。也是永先生允许我父亲在下雨时歇工，这成了他唯一的休息日，星期日别的人不干活，父亲却像母亲一样得劳动。下雨天雨一停，父亲和我就到松林里去采蘑菇，打野豆子。回到营地，我把这些收获和一个鸭罐头或别的肉煮在一起，跟他享受一餐美味佳肴。
After supper we often strolled to my favorite spot, which I called my 'zoological garden' - a group of fantastically shaped rocks in a grassy clearing in the woods. They looked like a herd of bizarre animals lazing in the sun.
晚饭后，我们常溜达到我最喜欢的“动物园”去。十多个奇形怪状的石头，散开在草地上，像一群稀奇古怪的动物在晒太阳。
Some of them had hollows that fitted our bodies, and we would lie back and gaze into the distance. Down the slope from us was a row of gigantic kapok trees, their leafless scarlet flowers, bigger versions of magnolia, growing directly from the stark black branches, which all grew uncompromisingly straight up. During my months in the camp, I had watched these giant flowers open, a mass of crimson against black. Then they bore fruit as big as figs, and each burst into silky wool, which was blown all over the mountains like feathery snow by the warm winds.
石头上有些凹坑，正好可把身体靠上去，我们就坐在石头上凝视远方。不远处的斜坡下面是一排巨大的木棉树，外面是安宁河，再往远处就是无边远际的山岭了。木棉树猩红色的花样子像玉兰，但是大得多，直接从赤裸裸的、无叶的、笔直的枝桠上冒出来。我在干校的那几个月里，眼看着这些硕大的花开放，大团大团的红花浮在乌黑的枝条上。花谢了就结出拳头大小的果实，爆开后吐出丝般的绒毛，随着温暖的山风满山遍野地飘，像在飘雪花。
Beyond the kapok trees lay the River of Tranquillity, and beyond it stretched endless mountains.
One day when we were relaxing in our 'zoological garden," a peasant passed by who was so gnarled and dwarfish he gave me a fright. My father told me that in this isolated region inbreeding was common.
一天，当我们正在“动物园”里休息时，一个农民路过，吓了我一跳。他像个侏儒，又怪模怪样。父亲告诉我这地方与世隔绝，近亲结婚十分普遍。
Then he said, "There is so much to be done in these mountains!? It is such a beautiful place with great potential. I'd love to come and live here to look after a commune, or maybe a production brigade, and do some real work. Something useful. Or maybe just be an ordinary peasant. I am so fed up with being an official. How nice it would be if our family could come here and enjoy the simple life of the farmers."?
然后他叹息着说：“这个山区里边要做的事太多了！我真想来这里当个公社社长，或者生产大队长，做些实际工作，做些有益的事，要么就当个普通农民。我当官是当够了。要是全家搬到这里来，过农民的单纯生活多好啊！”
In his eyes, I saw the frustration of an energetic, talented man who was desperate to work. I also recognized the traditional idyllic dream of the Chinese scholar disillusioned with his mandarin career. Above all, I could see that an alternative life had become a fantasy for my father, something wonderful and unobtainable, because there was no opting out once you were a Communist official.
从他的眼睛里，我看到了一个精力充沛、能干的人渴望有个发挥的地方。我也看出他有点像历史上的士大夫，宦途失意后对世外桃源充满梦想。我还能体谅得到父亲的另一层苦衷：一旦成了共产党的官，就不能平安地退出不干，田园生活于是可望而不可及，成了美梦了。
I visited the camp three times, staying each time for several months. My siblings did the same, so that my father would have warmth around him all the time. He often said proudly that he was the envy of the camp because no one else had so much company from their children. Indeed, few had any visitors at all: the Cultural Revolution had brutalized human relationships, and alienated countless families.
我去看了父亲三次，每次都呆上几个月。我们几个孩子轮流去，所以父亲一直都有家人陪伴，享受家庭温暖。他经常自豪地说：他是干校人人羡慕的对象，别的人中罕有不间断地有孩子陪伴的，连来探望的人也少。文化大革命恶化了人与人的关系，使无数个家庭亲情淡薄。
My family became closer as time went by. My brother Xiao-her, who had been beaten by my father when he was a child, now came to love him. On his first visit to the camp, he and my father had to sleep on a single bed because the camp leaders were jealous that my father had so much family company. In order to let my father have a good night's sleep which was particularly important for his mental condition Xiao-her would never allow himself to fall into a deep sleep lest he stretch out and disturb him.
我家却变得更亲密了。小时候常挨父亲打的小黑现在更爱父亲了。他第一次去干校时，当权者对父亲总有孩子来陪很不舒服，于是不分给小黑住处。他只得和父亲合睡一张单人床。为了让父亲睡好一点——睡眠对他的精神非常重要——小黑从来不让自己熟睡，担心会伸腿伸手碰醒了父亲。
For his part, my father reproached himself for having been harsh to Xiao-her, and would stroke his head and apologize.
父亲则自责过去对小黑太严厉。他常摸着小黑的头，歉然地说：
"It seems inconceivable I could have hit you so hard. I was too tough on you," he would say.
“简直不可想象我过去那样打你，对你委实太粗暴了。”
"I've been thinking a lot about the past, and I feel very guilty toward you. Funny the Cultural Revolution should turn me into a better person."
他又说：“我这段时间想了很多往事，过去对你们太厉害。真好笑！文化大革命反而让我变了个人。”
The camp fare was mainly boiled cabbage, and the lack of protein made people feel hungry all the time. Every meat-eating day was eagerly anticipated, and celebrated with an air almost of exhilaration. Even the most militant Rebels seemed to be in a better humor. On these occasions, my father would pick the meat from his bowl and force it into his children's. There would always be a kind of fight with chopsticks and bowls.
干校的伙食老是水煮大白菜。由于长期欠缺油水，大家一天到晚都觉得饿，每次吃肉都翘首以待，好像过节，甚至最狠的造反派也有了笑的模样。这时的父亲会把肉从自己碗里夹出来，塞到孩子的碗里，于是你让我，我让你，筷子和碗打起仗来。
My father was in a constant state of remorse. He told me how he had not invited my grandmother to his wedding, and had sent her on the perilous journey back to Manchuria from Yibin only a month after she had arrived. I heard him reproach himself many times for not showing his own mother enough affection, and for being so rigid that he was not even told about her funeral. He would shake his head: "It's too late now!" He also blamed himself for his treatment of his sister Jun-ying in the 1950s, when he had tried to persuade her to give up her Buddhist beliefs, and even to get her, a vegetarian by conviction, to eat meat.
父亲常常反省自己的过去。他告诉我他怎么没邀请姥姥参加他的婚礼，又怎么在她千里迢迢从东北到宜宾的一个月后就打发她走。我听见他多次责备自己，说过去对他母亲照料不周，又太死板，结果连母亲丧事，也是事后才知道的。他摇着头说：“唉！太迟了！”他还责备自己五十年代对俊英娘娘的做法。当时他曾努力劝她放弃佛教信仰，要她这位素食者开斋吃荤。
Aunt Jun-ying died in the summer of 1970. Her paralysis had gradually invaded her whole body, and she had received no proper treatment. She died in the same state of quiet composure as she had shown all her life. My family kept the news from my father. We all knew how deeply he loved and respected her.
俊英娘娘于1970年夏天去世，她的瘫痪情况逐渐侵袭了全身，而始终没有得到适当的治疗。她死时镇静自若就像她的一生。我们对父亲封锁消息，因为知道他对她的爱与尊敬有多深。
That autumn my brothers Xiao-her and Xiao-fang were staying with my father. One day they were having a walk after supper, when eight-year-old Xiao-fang let slip the news that Aunt Jun-ying had died. Suddenly, my father's face changed. He stood still, looking blank for a long time, then turned to the side of the path, sagged onto his haunches, and covered his face with both hands. His shoulders shook with sobs. Never having seen my father cry, my brothers were dumbfounded.
那年秋天，我弟弟小黑和小方在干校陪父亲。一天吃完晚饭后他们正在散步，八岁的小方脱口说出俊英娘娘去世的消息。父亲脸色顿时变了，一动不动，像发傻似地站了很长时间，然后他转向路旁，蹲下身去，双手捧着头，肩膀因抽泣而抖动。弟弟们从来没见过父亲哭，一下子都惊呆了，不知如何是好。
* * *
At the beginning of 1971 news filtered through that the Tings had been sacked. For my parents, particularly my father, there was some improvement in their lives. They began to have Sundays off and lighter jobs. The other detainees started to speak to my father, though still coldly.
1971年初，消息传出：“二挺”下台了。我父母，特别是父亲，情况很快有了明显的改善。他们开始有了星期日休息，干的活也轻了些，有人和我父亲说话了，尽管态度仍然很冷淡。
Proof that things really were changing came when a new inmate arrived at the camp early in 1971 Mrs. Shau, my father's old tormentor, who had fallen from grace together with the Tings. Then my mother was allowed to spend two weeks with my father the first chance for them to be together for several years, in fact the first time they had even glimpsed each other since the winter morning on the street in Chengdu just before my father's departure for the camp, over two years before.
说明形势真的变了的证据是，一个新“学员”来了干校——姚女士，那个过去折磨我父亲最起劲的人，随“二挺”垮台被撵了下来。随后，我母亲获准探望父亲两个星期，这是他们几年来第一次团聚，也是两年来第一次见面。上一次是父亲临去干校前跟我在成都大街上看了母亲一眼。
But my parents' misery was far from over. The Cultural Revolution continued. The Tings had not been purged because of all the evil they had done, but because they were suspected by Mao of being closely linked to Chen Boda, one of the leaders of the Cultural Revolution Authority, who had fallen foul of Mao. In this purge, more victims were generated. Chen Mo, the Tings' right-hand man, who had helped secure my father's release from prison, committed suicide.
但是我父母受的罪还没结束，文化大革命仍在继续。“二挺”下台并不是因为他们干了太多坏事，而是毛泽东怀疑他们与陈伯达关系密切。陈伯达是中央文革小组组长，现在毛泽东要整掉他。这次运动又多了牺牲品，“二挺”的左右手陈沫自杀了，他曾帮助我父亲从监狱中释放出来。
One day in the summer of 1971 my mother had a severe hemorrhage from her womb; she passed out and had to be taken to a hospital. My father was not permitted to visit her, although they were both in Xichang. When her condition stabilized, she was allowed to go back to Chengdu for treatment. There, the bleeding was finally stopped; but the doctors discovered that she had developed a skin disease called scleroderma. A patch of skin behind her right ear had turned hard and had begun to contract. The right side of her jaw had become considerably smaller than the left, and the hearing in her right ear was going. The right side of her neck was stiff, and her right hand and arm felt rigid and numb. Dermatologists told her the hardening of the skin could eventually spread to the internal organs and, if so, she would shrink and die in three or four years. They said there was nothing Western medicine could do. All they could suggest was cortisone which my mother took in the form of tablets and injections in her neck.
1971年夏季的一天，我母亲发生严重的子宫出血，昏了过去，被抬进医院。当权者不准我父亲去看望她，虽然他俩都在西昌。母亲病情稳定后，获准回成都治疗。在成都，子宫出血是止住了，但医生发现她得了“硬皮病”，右耳后面的一块皮肤变硬，并且开始萎缩，右下颚变得比左边小，右耳听力逐渐消失，右边的脖子变得僵直，右手右膀也感觉麻木，动作不灵活。皮肤病专家告诉她，皮肤硬化最后会扩散到内脏器官，那时她全身和内脏都会萎缩，在三四年内会死亡。他们说西医没有办法治这种病，只有试试靠口服强的松，脖子上注射可的松混悬液控制。
I was in the camp with my father when a letter came from Mother with the news. Immediately my father went to ask for permission to go home and see her. Young was very sympathetic, but the camp authorities refused. My father burst out crying in front of a whole courtyard of inmates. The people from his department were taken aback. They knew him as a 'man of iron." Early the next morning, he went to the post office and waited outside for hours until it opened. He sent a three-page telegram to my mother. It began: "Please accept my apologies that come a lifetime too late. It is for my guilt toward you that I am happy for any punishment. I have not been a decent husband. Please get well and give me another chance."
我当时正在父亲干校，接到母亲来信说她患病，父亲马上就去请假要回家去看她。永先生很同情他，但是干校领导拒绝了。我父亲当着满院的人痛哭失声，他部里的造反派都愣住了，在他们眼里，他一向是个铁人。第二天一早，他就赶到邮局，等了几个小时，开了门，他发了一份三页纸长的电报，开头是：“闻君病重，辗转不能成眠。待罪之身，不容榻前相伴。不知今生今世能否再见一面！我深知自己‘不是个好丈夫’，万望君勿撒手而去，容我朝暮谢过，以赎前愆。”
* * *
On 25 October 1971, Specs came to see me in Deyang with a dynamite piece of news: Lin Biao had been killed.
1971年10月25日，“眼镜”来德阳看我，带来一则爆炸性新闻：“林彪死了！”
Specs had been officially told in his factory that Lin had attempted to assassinate Mao and that, having failed, he had tried to flee to the Soviet Union, and his plane had crashed in Mongolia.
“眼镜”听了正式文件传达，说是林彪想暗杀毛泽东，未遂后逃往苏联，飞机在蒙古境内坠毁。
Lin Biao's death was shrouded in mystery. It was linked with the downfall of Chen Boda a year before. Mao grew suspicious of both of them when they went too far with their over-the-top deification of him, which he suspected was part of a scheme to kick him upstairs to abstract glory and deprive him of earthly power. Mao particularly smelled a rat with Lin Biao, his chosen successor, who was known for 'never letting the Little Red Book leave his hand, nor "Long live Mao!" leave his lips," as a later rhyme put it.
林彪之死有各种神秘的说法，但他的垮台与一年前陈伯达失宠有关。他们把毛泽东吹捧得太过神化，引起毛对他们的疑心。他怀疑林彪一伙人在耍阴谋，想把他架空，让他享受抽象的赞美，而剥夺他的实权。毛泽东特别怀疑林彪这个他所选择的接班人，怀疑他处处“红书不离手，万岁不离口”的动机。
Mao decided that Lin, being next in line to the throne, was up to no good. Either Mao or Lin, or both, took action to save their own power and life.
毛泽东断定这个第二号人物想“抢班夺权”。(此处删去一句)。
My village was given the official version of events by the commune soon afterward. The news meant nothing to the peasants. They hardly even knew Lin's name, but I received the news with blinding joy. Not having been able to challenge Mao in my mind, I blamed Lin for the Cultural Revolution. The evident rift between him and Mao meant, I thought, that Mao had repudiated the Cultural Revolution, and would put an end to all the misery, and destruction. The demise of Lin in a way reaffirmed my faith in Mao. Many people shared my optimism because there were signs that the Cultural Revolution was going to be reversed. Almost immediately some capitalist-roaders started to be rehabilitated and released from the camps.
我的村子听公社传达了这件事的官方说法。这个消息对农民没有任何意义，他们连林彪是谁也不知道，但我却欣喜若狂。那时我还不敢怀疑毛泽东，对文革我是恨林彪。我还把他和毛泽东的分裂当作是毛决心与文革决裂，要结束这场灾难了。林彪之死重新激起我对毛泽东的忠诚，很多人和我一样乐观，因为当时有种种迹象表明文革正在扭转。果真如此，紧接着林彪事件，走资派开始平反，离开干校。
My father was told the news about Lin in mid November? At once, the occasional smile appeared on the faces of some Rebels. At the meetings, he was asked to sit down, which was unprecedented, and 'expose Yeh Chun' - Mme Lin Biao, who had been a colleague of his in Yan'an in the early 1940s. My father said nothing.
11月中旬，我父亲听到林彪事件的文件传达。马上，一些造反派就对他面带微笑了。会议上他们史无前例地让他坐下，要他“揭发叶群”——林彪的夫人，她和我父亲是四十年代初延安时期的同事。我父亲一声不吭。
But although his colleagues were being rehabilitated, and leaving the camp in droves, my father was told by the camp commandant: "Don't you assume you can get off the hook now." His offense against Mao was considered too serious.
然而，尽管他的同事纷纷平反，准备回家，当权者却对父亲说：“你不要以为自己没事了。”我父亲对毛泽东的批评仍是不赦之罪。
His health had been deteriorating under the combination of intolerable mental and physical pressure, with years of brutal beatings followed by hard physical labor under atrocious conditions. For nearly five years he had been taking large doses of tranquilizers in order to keep himself under control. Sometimes he consumed up to twenty times the normal dose, and this had worn out his system. He felt crippling pains somewhere in his body all the time; he began to cough blood, and was frequently short of breath, accompanied by severe dizzy spells. At the age of fifty, he looked like a seventy-year-old. The doctors in the camp always greeted him with cold faces and impatient prescriptions of more tranquilizers; they refused to give him a check up, or even to hear him out. And each trip to the clinic would be followed by a barked lecture from some of the Rebels: "Don't imagine you can get away with faking illness!"
父亲的健康状况一直在恶化，因为巨大的精神压力，几年的野蛮批斗、毒打，再加上恶劣条件下的繁重体力劳动。五年时间里，他一直靠服用大量镇静剂来控制自己。有时，他要服用二十倍于常人的剂量，毁坏了他的身体。他每时每刻都感到身上某处在剧痛，后来开始咳血，气喘心跳，一阵阵头晕。他刚满五十岁，看上去就像七十岁的人了。有的医生板着脸，不耐烦地给他开药，不给他好好检查，也不听他细说病症，去看一次病回来总要听一些造反派的训斥：“不要以为装病就可以躲掉了！”
Jin-ming was in the camp at the end of 1971. He was so worried about Father that he stayed on until the spring of 1972. Then he got a letter from his production team ordering him to return immediately, or he would not be allocated any food at harvest time. The day he was leaving, my father went with him to the train a railway line had just come to Miyi because of the strategic industries relocated to Xichang. During the long walk, they were both silent. Then Father had a sudden attack of breathlessness and Jin-ming had to help him sit down by the side of the road. For a long time Father struggled to catch his breath.
1971年冬天，京明在干校陪父亲。他很担忧父亲的身体，一直呆到1972年春天。这时，他接到他落户的生产队的一封信，说他如果不立即归队，秋结算就不给他分口粮。他离开的那天，父亲送他去火车站，当时铁路已从成都修到战略基地西昌。去火车站的路很远，一路上两人沉默着。突然父亲剧咳了起来，京明忙把他扶到路边坐下，给他捶背。过了好半天，父亲才缓过气来。
Then Jin-ming heard him sigh deeply and say, "It looks as though I probably don't have long to live. Life seems to be a dream." Jin-ming had never heard him talk about death.
他抬起头，长叹口气说：“唉！可能活不长了，人的一辈子好像一场梦啊！”
Startled, he tried to comfort him. But Father said slowly, "I ask myself whether I am afraid of death. I don't think I am. My life as it is now is worse. And it looks as if there is not going to be any ending. Sometimes I feel weak: I stand by Tranquillity River and think, Just one leap and I can get it over with. Then I tell myself I must not. If I die without being cleared, there will be no end of trouble for all of you .... I have been thinking a lot lately. I had a hard childhood, and society was full of injustice. It was for a fair society that I joined the Communists. I've tried my best through the years. But what good has it done for the people? As for myself, why is it that in the end I have come to be the ruin of my family? People who believe in retribution say that to end badly you must have something on your conscience. I have been thinking hard about the things I've done in my life. I have given orders to execute some people..."
京明从未听他议论过生死，吃了一惊，忙说些话安慰他。父亲继续说：“我问自己怕不怕死，我现在这个样子哪点有死了好？苦海无边，看不到个了结。有时我也很软弱，站在安宁河边心里想往下一跳了事。但我又想，死不得，我这样问题没说清楚就死了，你们大家就没有出头的日子了……”他停顿了片刻，接着说：“我这些日子一直在想过去。我是学徒出身，童年很若，眼看着社会有那么多不公平，我参加共产党，就是想建起个公正的社会来。结果这个社会有多公正呢？这么多年来走南闯北，没日没夜地工作，从来没有想过为自己、为家庭谋私利，到头来还是落得这么个下场，累及妻儿。老百姓说：落坏下场一定是做了亏心事，得了老天的报应。我想着我这辈子所做过的事，我是判过几个人的死刑……”
Father went on to tell Jin-ming about the death sentences he had signed, the names and stories of the e-ba ('ferocious despots') in the land reform in Chaoyang, and the bandit chiefs in Yibin.
父亲向京明说起朝阳的恶霸和宜宾的土匪头子，然后说：
"But these people had done so much evil that God himself would have had them killed. What, then, have I done wrong to deserve all this?"
“这些人血债累累，老天有眼也会要他们死呀！我想来想去也想不出我这辈子到底做错过什么要受这种罪。”
After a long pause, Father said, "If I die like this, don't believe in the Communist Party anymore.”
沉默了好一会儿，他才又慢慢地说：“如果我就这样不明不白地死了，你也就不要相信共产党了。”