25 "The Fragrance of Sweet Wind"
二十五 “香风味”
——A New Life with The Electricians' Manual and Six Crises (1972- 1973)
——与《电工手册》、《六次危机》为伴的新生活(1972—1973年)
It was with deaths, love, torment, and respite that 1969, 1970, and 1971 passed. In Miyi, the dry and rainy seasons followed hard on each other's heels. On Buffalo Boy Flatland the moon waxed and waned, the wind roared and hushed, the wolves howled and fell silent. In the medicinal garden in Deyang, the herbs flowered once, and then again and again. I rushed between my parents' camps, my aunt's deathbed, and my village. I spread manure in the paddy fields and composed poems to water lilies.
1969、1970、1971年过去了，生活是死，是爱，是折磨，是喘息。在米易，旱季和雨季交替接踵而至。牛郎坝上，月亮圆了又缺，缺了又圆；风呼啸又沉寂，沉寂又呼啸；狼嚎了又停，停了又嚎。在德阳的药园里，草药花一年年地开，我奔走于父母的干校，母亲的病床和我的村之间。我在稻田里洒粪，对着莲花做诗。
My mother was at home in Chengdu when she heard of Lin Biao's demise. She was rehabilitated in November 1971 and told that she did not have to return to her camp.
我母亲是在成都家里听到林彪摔死的消息的。她于1971年11月平反，获通知不必返回西昌劳动了。
But although she received her full salary, she was not given back her old job, which had been filled by someone else.
虽然她可领取全额工资，但没有复职，她原先的职位已被别人占去。
Her department in the Eastern District now had no fewer than seven directors the existing members of the Revolutionary Committees and the newly rehabilitated officials who had just returned from the camp. Poor health was one reason Mother did not go back to work, but the most important reason was that my father had not been rehabilitated, unlike most capitalist-roaders.
东城区宣传部现在有了六七个部长，革命委员会的成员又加上新平反的、从干校返回的干部。生病也是没给她工作的原因之一，但更重要的是我父亲没有像大多数走资派那样平反“解放”。
Mao had sanctioned the mass rehabilitation not because he had at last come to his senses, but because, with the death of Lin Biao and the inevitable purge of his men, Mao had lost the hand with which he had controlled the army. He had removed and alienated virtually all the other marshals, who opposed the Cultural Revolution, and had had to rely almost solely on Lin. He had put his wife, relatives, and stars of the Cultural Revolution in important army posts, but these people had no military record, and therefore received no allegiance from the army. With Lin gone, Mao had to turn to those purged leaders who still commanded the loyalty of the army, including Deng Xiaoping, who was soon to reemerge. The first concession Mao had to make was to bring back most of the denounced officials.
大规模“解放”干部是毛泽东批准的。(此处删去一句)随着林彪的死和对林彪同伙的清洗，毛泽东丧失了掌握军权的手。除林彪外，别的老帅都反对文革，毛不是清洗就是疏远了他们，多年来完全依赖林彪控制军队。他倒是把他的夫人、亲属和文革明星们派到军队去任要职，但是这些人连仗都没有打过，军队不服气，不听从他们的指挥。现在林彪垮了台，毛泽东只能回过头来启用那些已被清洗，但仍在军队里享有很高威望的领导人，包括邓小平，不久，邓就将复出。把大多数赶下台的共产党干部请回来是毛泽东的第一个让步。
Mao also knew that his power depended on a functioning economy. His Revolutionary Committees were hopelessly divided and second-rate, and could not get the country moving. He had no choice but to turn to the old, disgraced officials again.
毛泽东也知道要搞好经济才能保住他的权力。他的各级革命委员会里满是二流角色，又四分五裂，根本无法使国家经济正常运转。毛泽东没有别的选择，只好用老干部。
My father was still in Miyi, but the part of his salary which had been held back since June 1968 was returned to him, and we suddenly found ourselves with what seemed to us an astronomical sum in the bank. Our personal belongings that had been taken away by the Rebels in the house raids were all returned, the only exception being two bottles of mao-tai, the most sought-after liquor in China.
我父亲依旧在米易，但是自1968年6月以来扣发的工资全部补发了。我们突然有了天文数字般的银行存款。抄家时造反派拿走的东西也都退给了我们，唯一未还的是两瓶人人爱喝的茅台酒。
There were other encouraging signs. Zhou Enlai, who now had increased power, set about getting the economy going. The old administration was largely restored, and production and order were emphasized. Incentives were reintroduced. Peasants were allowed some cash sidelines. Scientific research began again. Schools started proper teaching, after a gap of six years; and my youngest brother, Xiao-fang, belatedly started his schooling at the age of ten.
还有其他一些鼓舞人心的迹象：周恩来现在权力增加了，着手致力经济建设。旧的管理体系大部分恢复了，强调生产和秩序，重新引进了如奖金这类物质奖励，以刺激生产。农民可以搞点副业赚钱，科研恢复了。在六年的空白后，学校也开始正常上课了，小方在十岁才开始读小学。
With the economy reviving, factories began to recruit new workers. As part of the incentive system, they were allowed to give priority to their employees' children who had been sent to the country. Though my parents were not factory employees, my mother spoke to the managers of a machinery factory that had formerly come under her Eastern District, and now belonged to the Second Bureau of Light Industry in Chengdu. They readily agreed to take me on. So, a few months before my twentieth birthday, I left Deyang for good. My sister had to stay, because young people from the cities who married after going to the country were banned from returning, even if their spouses had city registrations.
伴随着经济复苏，工厂开始招新工人，为鼓励大家好好干活，工厂职工在农村落户的子女有优先权招进工厂。虽然我父母不是工厂职工，但是一家以前属东城区管辖，后来划归成都市二轻局的工厂乐意收我。就这样，我在二十岁生日前几个月，离开了德阳。我姐姐走不了，因为城市青年在下乡后结了婚的，禁止被招工回城，即使他们的配偶是城市户口也不行。
Becoming a worker was my only option. Most universities were still shut, and there were no other careers available. Being in a factory meant working only eight hours a day compared with the peasant's dawn-to-dusk day. There were no heavy loads to carry, and I could live with my family. But the most important thing was getting back my city registration, which meant guaranteed food and other basics from the state.
当工人是我唯一的出路。绝大多数大学还没有招生，也没有其他职业可供选择。当工人一天只工作八小时，不像农民得从黎明做到天黑。工人也不必挑重担，我还可以住在家里。最重要的是我变成了城市户口，这意味着保证有粮食供应及其他配给。
The factory was in the eastern suburbs of Chengdu, about forty-five minutes by bicycle from home. For much of the way I rode along the bank of the Silk River, then along muddy country roads through fields of rapeseed and wheat. Finally I reached a shabby-looking enclosure dotted with piles of bricks and rusting rolled steel. This was my factory. It was a rather primitive enterprise, with some machines dating back to the turn of the century. After five years of denunciation meetings, wall slogans, and physical bat ties between the factions in the factory, the managers and engineers had just been put back to work and it had begun to resume producing machine tools. The workers gave me a special welcome, largely on account of my parents: the destructiveness of the Cultural Revolution had made them hanker for the old administration, under which there had been order and stability.
工厂位于成都东郊，从家骑自行车到那里要四十五分钟。一半的路沿着锦江河岸骑，随后穿行油菜、小麦地间的泥巴路，最后到了一个破旧大院，里面是一堆砖头和废钢烂铁，这就是我的工厂--“手工机具厂”。它是个相当老的企业，一些机器是本世纪初的产品。五年的批判斗争、大标语、大字报和派系武斗后，厂长和工程技术人员重新被启用，厂里开始又生产机具。工人们欢迎我，一半是冲着我的父母：文化大革命的灾难使人人向往昔日的共产党体系，那时至少有秩序和稳定。
I was assigned as an apprentice in the foundry, under a woman whom everyone called "Auntie Wei." She had been very poor as a child, and had not even had a decent pair of trousers when she was a teenager. Her life had changed when the Communists came, and she was immensely grateful to them. She joined the Party, and at the beginning of the Cultural Revolution she was among the Loyalists who defended the old Party officials. When Mao openly backed the Rebels, her group was beaten into surrender and she was tortured. A good friend of hers, an old worker who also owed much to the Communists, died after being hung horizontally by his wrists and ankles (a torture called 'duck swimming'). Auntie Wei told me the story of her life in tears, and said that her fate was tied to that of the Party, which she considered had been wrecked by 'anti-Party elements' like Lin Biao. She treated me like a daughter, primarily because I came from a Communist family. I felt uneasy with her because I could not match her faith in the Party.
我被分派到翻砂车间当学徒，一个人人叫她“韦”的女人是我的师傅。她童年贫苦，十几岁时还没有一条像样的裤子穿。共产党给她带来了新生活，所以她很感激共产党。她入了党，在文革初期参加了忠于共产党干部的“保皇派”。毛泽东公开支持造反派后，她的组织被打垮了，她也落到被拷打折磨的地步。她的一位好朋友，也是同样感谢共产党的老工人，被手脚倒绑在一起，吊起来折磨致死(这种酷刑称为“鸭子浮水”)。韦含着眼泪向我讲述她苦难的过去，说她的命运是和共产党连在一起的，她恨林彪这样的“反党分子”。她待我像亲生女儿，主要原因是我出身共产党干部家庭。我跟她在一起有点不自在，因为我爱党的程度实在赶不上她。
There were about thirty men and women doing the same job as me, ramming earth into molds. The incandescent, bubbling molten iron was lifted and poured into the molds, generating a mass of sparkling white-hot stars. The hoist over our workshop creaked so alarmingly that I was always worded it might drop the crucible of boiling liquid iron onto the people ramming away underneath.
车间里有约三十名男、女翻砂工，把砂土夯实在铸模箱里。炽热的、冒着气泡的铁水被行车吊起往铸模里倒时，会溅起火花飞舞。那行车开起来吱吱嘎嘎地响，使我提心吊胆，生怕满锅铁水会一下子掉下来泼到下面干活的人身上。
My job as a caster was dirty and hard. I had swollen arms from pounding the earth into the molds, but I was in high spirits, as I naively believed that the Cultural Revolution was coming to an end. I threw myself into my work with an ardor that would have surprised the peasants in Deyang.
我的翻砂工作又脏又累，猛夯模子里的砂土很快就使我手膀红肿了。不过我的情绪高昂，天真地以为文革快结束了。我一头栽在工作里，那股干劲会使德阳县的农民目瞪口呆。
In spite of my new found enthusiasm, I was relieved to hear after a month that I was going to be transferred. I could not have sustained ramming eight hours a day for long. Owing to the goodwill toward my parents, I was given several jobs to choose from lathe operator, hoist operator, telephone operator, carpenter, or electrician. I dithered between the last two. I liked the idea of being able to create lovely wooden things, but decided that I did not have talented hands. As an electrician, I would have the glamour of being the only woman in the factory doing the job. There had been one woman in the electricians' team, but she was leaving for another post. She had always attracted great admiration. When she climbed to the top of the electric poles people would stop to marvel. I struck up an immediate friendship with this woman, who told me something which made up my mind for me: electricians did not have to stand by a machine eight hours a day. They could stay in their quarters waiting to be called out on a job. That meant I would have time to myself to read.
虽然我很卖力，但是在一个月后听说要调换工作时，我还是松了一口气。我实在有点儿支撑不住一天打八小时的夯锤。厂里出于对我父母的好意，提出几个工作机会让我选择——车工、行车工、电话接线员、木匠或电工。我想当木匠，又想当电工。当木匠能造出可爱的木头玩艺儿，满有意思的，我明白自己没有一双巧手。如果当电工，我就成了厂里唯一的女电工。电工班还有个姑娘，但此刻她要调去做别的差事了。她一直是大家赞美的对象，当她爬到高高的电线杆顶端时，过往的人都会停下来举头欣赏她。我跟她一见如故，她告诉我当电工最大的好处是不必在机床旁边一站就是八年小时，只需坐在电工房里等人召唤，这意味着我有机会在上班时间看书，我于是拿定了主意。
I received five electric shocks in the first month. Like being a barefoot doctor, there was no formal training: the result of Mao's disdain for education. The six men in the team taught me patiently, but I started at an abysmally low level. I did not even know what a fuse was. The woman electrician gave me her copy of The Electricians' Manual and I plunged into it, but still came out confusing electric current with voltage. In the end, I felt ashamed of wasting the other electricians' time, and tried to copy what they did without understanding much of the theory. I managed fairly well, and gradually was able to do some repairs on my own.
就和当赤脚医生一样，当电工也完全没有正式训练：毛对正规教育不喜欢，要人“在干中学”。头一个月，我触了五次电。电工班的六位师傅耐心教我，但我连最基本的常识都没有，甚至不知道什么是保险丝。那位过去的女电工送给我一本《电工手册》，我废寝忘食地阅读，看来看去还是把电流、电压混在一起。最后我觉得自己实在不可救药，浪费其他电工的时间，决定不再学理论，他们怎么做，我就跟着怎么干。我居然干得不错，逐渐能单独做些零活了。
One day a worker reported a faulty switch on a power distribution board. I went to the back of the board to examine the wiring, and decided a screw must have come loose.
一天，一个工人来报告说有个配电盘出了毛病。我转到板子反面去查线路，第一眼就认定是一根螺丝松了。
Instead of switching off the electric supply first, I impetuously poked my mains-tester cure screwdriver at the screw.
我的反应不是先去切断电源，而是冒失地一手把试电笔螺丝刀捅了进去，想拧紧那颗螺丝钉。
The back of the board was a net of wires, connections, and joints carrying 380 volts of power. Once inside this mine field, I had to push my screwdriver extremely carefully through a gap. I reached the screw, only to find it was not loose after all. By then my arm had started to shake slightly from being taut and nervous. I began to pull it back, holding my breath. Right at the very edge, just as I was about to relax, a series of colossal jolts shot through my right hand and down to my feet. I leaped in the air, and the screwdriver sprang out of my hand. It had touched a joint at the entrance to the power distribution network. I sagged onto the floor, thinking I could have been killed if the screwdriver had slipped a little earlier. I did not tell the other electricians, as I did not want them to feel they had to go on calls with me.
配电板背面是一团密如蛛网的电线，布满了380伏电压的接头。我把螺丝刀伸入这片“电区”，小心翼翼地在间隙中推进。总算插上去了，但螺丝钉其实没有松。此时我的手因紧张而轻抖着，我屏住气把电笔退出来，快抽回到边上，正要松口大气时，一阵强烈的电流，流经我的右手传到我的脚，弹得我跳了起来，螺丝刀从手上打飞了出去。原来它碰上了一个带电的接头，我一屁股坐在地上，心想好险，要是螺丝刀在电网里边碰上了接头，我恐怕就没命了。我没有把这件事告诉别的电工，不想使他们不放心，每次修理都陪我去。
I got used to the shocks. No one else made a fuss about them, either. One old electrician told me that before 1949, when the factory was privately owned, he had had to use the back of his hand to test the current. It was only under the Communists that the factory was obliged to buy the electricians mains-testers.
我对电击很快习以为常，也没有人对这类事大惊小怪。一位老电工告诉我1949年前，当工厂还是私人老板时，他是用手背去检测电流的，只有在共产党统治下工厂才给电工们买了电笔。
There were two rooms in our quarters, and when they were not out on a call, most of the electricians would play cards in the outer room while I read in the inner room. In Mao's China, failure to join the people around you was criticized as “cutting oneself off from the masses," and at first I was nervous about going off on my own to read. I would put my book down as soon as one of the other electricians came inside, and would try to chat with him in a somewhat awkward manner. As a result they seldom came in. I was enormously relieved that they did not object to my eccentricity. Rather, they went out of their way not to disturb me. Because they were so nice to me I volunteered to do as many repairs as possible.
我们电工班有两间屋子，电工们一有空闲就在外面那间玩扑克牌，我呢，在里面看书。在当时的中国，不和大家一起玩总会受到“脱离群众”的指责。刚开始时，我对独自躲在里面房间看书忧心忡忡，别的电工一进来，我就赶紧把书放下，笨拙地试图和他们闲扯，结果是他们很少进来了。我看得出他们并不在意我的不合群，相反的，他们不想打扰我，从此放了心。他们待我这么好，我于是主动多做点工作。
One young electrician in the team, Day, had been in a high school until the start of the Cultural Revolution, and was considered very well educated. He was a good calligrapher and played several musical instruments beautifully. I was very attracted to him, and in the mornings I would always find him leaning against the door to the Electricians' quarters, waiting to greet me. I found myself doing a lot of calls with him. One early spring day, after finishing a maintenance job, we spent the lunch break leaning against a haystack at the back of the foundry, enjoying the first sunny day of the year. Sparrows were chirping over our heads, fighting for the grains left on the rice plants. The hay gave off an aroma of sunshine and earth. I was overjoyed to discover that Day shared my interest in classical Chinese poetry, and that we could compose poems to each other using the same rhyme sequence, as ancient Chinese poets had done. In my generation, few people understood or liked classical poetry. We were very late back to work that afternoon, but there were no criticisms. The other electricians only gave us meaningful smiles.
电工班里有位姓戴的年轻人，他在文革前读过高中，算文化水准很高的人了。他写得一手好字，还能弹好几种乐器，我对他很有好感。每天早上，我总看见他斜倚在电工班门边，等着向我打招呼。我呢，也不知不觉地老和他一起下车间干活。早春的一天，我们完成一件修理工作后，靠在铸造车间背后的干草堆上，吃午饭，晒太阳，享受那年的第一个艳阳天。麻雀在我们头上叽叽喳喳叫个不停，又飞到稻草里找谷粒吃。稻草堆散发着一股阳光和泥土的芳香。就在那时，我发现戴和我一样喜爱中国古体诗，我们当即作诗酬和。我喜出望外，因为我这一代人很少有人懂得并欣赏古诗词。下午我们很晚才回去上班，没有人责备我们，别的电工只是望着我俩会意地微笑。
Soon Day and I were counting the minutes during our days off from the factory, eager to be back together. We sought every opportunity to be near each other, to brush each other's fingers, to feel the excitement of being close, to smell the smell of each other, and to look for reasons to be hurt or pleased by each other's half-spoken words.
很快，戴和我在休息日里也盼着回厂呆在一块儿了。在工厂里，我俩尽量找机会彼此接近，靠近时，我们中间像有一股特别的电流，使我们既兴奋又紧张，引我们要碰碰对方的手指。半句话、一个眼色，都会引起无数的东猜西想。不是烦恼就是甜蜜。
Then I began to hear gossip that Day was unworthy of me. The disapproval was partly caused by the fact that I was considered special. One of the reasons was that I was the only offspring of high officials in the factory, and indeed the only one most of the workers had ever come into contact with. There had been many stories about high officials' children being arrogant and spoiled. I apparently came as a nice surprise, and some workers seemed to feel that no one in the factory could possibly be worthy of me.
不久我就听到人家议论纷纷，说戴配不上我。这一半是因我在厂里受到另眼相看，这里只有我是唯一的高干子女，许多工人没接触过别的这类人物，只听传闻说高干子弟如何妄自尊大，娇惯坏了，我却完全不是这么回事，使厂里人又惊又喜。有人似乎觉得厂里没人配得上我。
They held it against Day that his father had been a Kuomintang officer, and had been in a labor camp. The workers were convinced I had a bright future, and should not be 'dragged into misfortune' by being associated with Day.
还有一个原因是戴的父亲曾是国民党军官，又劳改过。工人们相信我的前途远大，不该跟着倒楣。
Actually, it was purely by chance that Day's father had become a Kuomintang officer. In 1937, he and two friends were on their way to Yan'an to join up with the Communists to fight the Japanese. They had almost reached Yan'an when they were stopped at a Kuomintang roadblock where the officers urged them to join the Kuomintang instead. While the two friends insisted on pressing on to Yan'an, Day's father settled for the Kuomintang, thinking it did not matter which Chinese army he joined, as long as it fought the Japanese. When the civil war re started he and his two friends ended up on opposite sides. After 1949, he was sent to a labor camp, while his companions became high-ranking officers in the Communist army.
戴的父亲是偶然成了国民党军官的。1937年，他和两个朋友长途跋涉去延安参加共产党打日本。快到延安时，国民党的路卡拦住了他们，劝说他们留下。两个同行的朋友坚持要去延安，戴的父亲则留下来当了国民党，心想反正是中国人的部队，打日本就行。抗战胜利后，国共内战时，他和那两位朋友成了对敌。1949年后他去劳改，而那两位朋友成了共产党军队里的高级军官。
Because of this accident of history, Day was sniped at in the factory for not knowing his place by 'pestering' me, and even for being a social climber. I could see from his drained face and bitter smiles that he was stung by the snide gossip, but he said nothing to me. We had only hinted at our feelings in allusions in our poems. Now he stopped writing poems to me. The confidence with which he had begun our friendship disappeared, and he adopted a subdued and humbled manner toward me in private. In public, he tried to appease the people who disapproved of him by awkwardly trying to show them he really thought nothing of me. At times I felt that he behaved in such an undignified way that I could not help being irritated as well as saddened. Having been brought up in a privileged position, I did not realize that in China dignity was a luxury scarcely available to those who were not privileged. I did not appreciate Day's dilemma, and the fact that he could not show his love for me, for fear of ruining me. Gradually we became alienated.
就是因这偶然的机缘，戴成了“出身不好”的人。有人说他不知天高地厚纠缠我，甚至说他想往上爬。从他黯然的脸色和苦涩的笑里，我看得出他深受刺伤，不过他什么也没对我说。从前我们用诗来暗示情感。现在，他连诗也不写给我了。从前那股自信和热情消失了，我们单独在一起时，他表现得自卑而沮丧。在公开场合，他则笨拙地、有点讨好地竭力向别人显示他实际上并不喜欢我。我又伤心又生气，气他太窝囊，太没有尊严。在特殊环境里长大的我，没有意识到在中国尊严是个奢侈品，社会底层的人得不到。我当时没有理解到戴的内心矛盾，他不能公开向我示爱，因为他生怕毁了我。就这样，我们俩逐渐疏远了。
During the four months of our acquaintance, the word 'love' had never been mentioned by either of us. I had even suppressed it in my mind. One could never let oneself go, because consideration of the vital factor, family background, was ingrained in one's mind. The consequences of being tied to the family of a 'class enemy' like Day's were too serious. Because of the subconscious self-censorship, I never quite fell in love with Day.
在我们相识的四个月时间里，“爱”这个字谁也没提过，我甚至在脑子里压住了这个念头。那个年月的人们不可能放任自己的感情，因为家庭出身这个生死攸关的问题，总像个巨大的阴影，笼罩在每个人的心头上，与戴这样的“阶级敌人”家庭结亲，后果实在太可怕了，所以我在下意识里自我约束，从来没有和戴坠入爱河。
* * *
During this period my mother had come off the cortisone, and had been receiving treatment with Chinese medicines for her scleroderma. We had been scouring country markets for the weird ingredients prescribed for her tortoiseshell, snake gall bladder, and anteater scales. The doctors recommended that as soon as the weather turned warmer, she should go to see some top-class specialists in Peking for both her womb and the scleroderma. As part compensation for what she had suffered, the authorities offered to send a companion with her. My mother asked if I could go.
这段时间，母亲停止使用强的松，改吃中药治她的硬皮病。我们在农村集市上到处为她搜寻中医开的各种古怪的药，什么龟板、蛇胆、蜈蚣、鳖甲。医生们建议在天气转暖后到北京去找第一流的专家治疗子宫出血和硬皮病。为了补偿她过去遭受的种种磨难，东城区领导要派人陪她，母亲就让我陪她去。
We left in April 1972, staying with family friends, whom it was now safe to contact. My mother saw several gynecologists in Peking and Tianjin, who diagnosed a benign tumor in her womb and recommended a hysterectomy. Meanwhile, they said her bleeding could be controlled if she had plenty of rest and tried to keep cheerful. The dermatologists thought that the scleroderma might be localized, in which case it would not be fatal. My mother followed the doctors' advice and had a hysterectomy the following year. The scleroderma remained localized.
我们在1972年4月北上，住在朋友家。现在大家可以互相联络而不怕带来危险了。母亲在北京和天津看了几位妇科医生，他们诊断出她的子宫里有个良性肿瘤，建议她切除子宫。手术前他们说只要她注意休息，保持情绪愉快，流血就能控制住。硬皮病专家说她的硬皮病可能控制在局部，如果真能如此，她就没有生命危险了。母亲听从了医生的建议，在第二年切除了子宫，硬皮病后来也稳定在局部。
We visited many friends of my parents. Everywhere we went, they were being rehabilitated. Some had just come out of prison. Mao-tai and other treasured liquors flowed freely, as did tears. In almost every family, one or more members had died as a result of the Cultural Revolution. The eighty-year-old mother of an old friend died after falling off a landing where she had had to sleep, her family having been driven out of their apartment. Another friend struggled to hold back his tears when he set eyes on me. I reminded him of his daughter, who would have been my age. She had been sent with her school to a godforsaken place on the border with Siberia, where she had become pregnant. Frightened, she consulted a back-street midwife who tied musk around her waist and told her to jump over a wall to get rid of the baby. She died of a violent hemorrhage. Tragic stories cropped up in every household. But we also talked about hope, and looked forward to happier times ahead.
我们拜访了我父母的许多朋友，他们都已平反了。一些人刚从监狱里放出来。大家频频举杯庆祝，泪水也不断泉涌而出。每家都有亲人因文革而死，一位老朋友的八十岁母亲从家里被赶出来，睡在楼梯口上，半夜滚下来摔死了。另一位朋友看见我时，忍不住流下眼泪，因为我像他的女儿，她和我年龄差不多。她和同学们一道下放到气候恶劣的西伯利亚边界落户，在那里怀了孕，心里害怕，就私下向一个产婆求助。那人把麝香拴在她的腰上，要她从墙上往下跳坠胎，结果她大出血死去。每家每户都有悲剧，但是我们也谈到希望，谈到好一点的将来。
One day we went to see Tung, an old friend of my parents who had just been released from prison. He had been my mother's boss on her march from Manchuria to Sichuan, and had become a bureau chief in the Ministry of Public Security. At the beginning of the Cultural Revolution he was accused of being a Russian spy, and of having supervised the installation of tape recorders in Mao's quarters which he had apparently done, under orders. Every word of Mao's was supposed to be so precious it had to be preserved, but Mao spoke a dialect which his secretaries found hard to understand, and in addition they were sometimes sent out of the room. In early 1967 Tung was arrested and sent to the special prison for top people, Qjncheng. He spent five years in chains, in solitary confinement. His legs were like matchsticks, while from the hips up he was terribly bloated. His wife had been forced to denounce him, and had changed the surname of their children from his to hers to demonstrate that they were cutting him off forever. Most of their household things, including his clothes, had been taken away in house raids. As a result of Lin Biao's downfall, Tung's patron, a foe of Lin Biao's, was back in power, and Tung was released from prison.
一天，我们去看望童先生，他是我父母的老朋友，此时刚释放出狱。他是从东北到四川的“长征”途中我母亲的上司，后来当上了公安部一个局的局长。文革开始时，人家说他是苏联间谍，又说他主持了在毛泽东房间里安录音机，搞“窃断”——这件事他是受命做的，因为当时毛泽东说的话“句句是真理，一句顶一万句”，宝贵得无以复加，必须加以保存，而毛泽东说话的湖南口音太重，秘书们很难全懂，有时他们还没在场，所以得把毛的话录下来。1967年初童先生被捕了，关在专关上层人物的秦城监狱。他在单身牢房里戴着手铐脚镣关了五年，腿变得像木棍般的细，上身则肿大得像木桶。他的妻子儿女被逼着和他“划清界限”，家里的大部分东西，包括所有的衣物，都在抄家时被没收。
His wife was summoned back from her camp in the nor them border region to be reunited with him.
林彪垮台后，由周恩来批准，童先生从监狱里放了出来，他的妻子也从东北边界干校被召回来与他团圆。
On the day of his release, she brought him new clothes.
His first words to her were, "You shouldn't have just brought me material goods. You should have brought me spiritual food [meaning Mao's works]." Tung had been reading nothing but these during his five years in solitary.
释放他的那天妻子给他带了些新衣服，他劈头第一句话却是：“你不应该只给我带物质东西，应该给我带精神粮食(《毛泽东选集》)”。一套《毛泽东选集》是童先生五年单独囚禁期间的唯一读物。
I was staying with his family at the time, and saw him making them study Mao's articles every day, with a seriousness which I found more tragic than ridiculous.
我那时住在他家，看见他每日召集全家学《毛选》，认真得使我觉得悲伤而不是可笑。
A few months after our visit Tung was sent to supervise a case in a port in the south. His long confinement had left him unfit for a demanding job, and he soon had a heart attack. The government dispatched a special plane to take him to a hospital in Guangzhou. The lift in the hospital was not working, and he insisted on walking up four floors because he considered being carried upstairs against Communist morality. He died on the operating table. His family was not with him because he had left word that 'they should not interrupt their work."
几个月后，童被派往一个南方港口城市去执行公条。长期的监禁使他身体无法承担繁重工作，他很快就发了心脏病。政府派一架专机把他送往广州大医院，医院里的电梯没开，他坚持自己走上四楼，说被人抬上去不合共产党员的道德。他死在手术台上，死前留下话，不让家里人去看他，因为：“他们不应该停下手上的工作。”
It was while we were staying with Tung and his family at the end of May 1972 that my mother and I received a telegram saying my father had been allowed to leave his camp. After the fall of Lin Biao, the camp doctors had at last given my father a diagnosis, saying that he was suffering from dangerously high blood pressure, serious heart and liver trouble, and vascular sclerosis. They recommended a complete check up in Peking.
1972年5月，当我们还住在童先生家里时，母亲和我收到电报，说准许我父亲离开干校了。林彪垮台后，医生终于为我父亲检查了身体，结论是他的血压高得可怕，还患有严重的心脏病、肝硬化及动脉硬化等疾病。医生建议他到北京来做彻底检查。
He took a train to Chengdu, and then flew to Peking.
他乘火车到成都，然后飞来北京。
Because there was no public transport to the airport for non passengers my mother and I had to wait to meet him at the city terminal. He was thin and burned almost black by the sun. It was the first time in three and a half years that he had been out of the mountains of Miyi. For the first few days he seemed at a loss in the big city, and would refer to crossing the road as 'crossing the river' and taking a bus as 'taking a boat." He walked hesitantly on the crowded streets and looked somewhat baffled by all the traffic. I assumed the role of his guide. We stayed with an old friend of his from Yibin who had also suffered atrociously in the Cultural Revolution.
因为到飞机场没有公共汽车，非乘机人又不能坐民航的大汽车，我和母亲只能在北京城内的民航大楼等他。他显得又黑又瘦又苍老。这是他三年半来第一次走出米易的大山。最初几天，他好像被这个大城市弄糊涂了，说“过街”是“过河”，“上车”是“上船”。在挤满人的大街上他犹犹豫豫地走，显得很迷惘。我是又笑又流泪，拉起他的手做他的向导。我们住在他在宜宾一块工作过的老朋友家里，这人在文革中也受了很多折磨。
Apart from this man and Tung, my father did not visit anyone because he had not been rehabilitated. Unlike me, who was full of optimism, he was heavy-hearted most of the lime. To try to cheer him up, I dragged him and my mother out sight-seeing in temperatures sometimes exceeding 100 F. Once I half-forced him to go to the Great Wall with me in a crowded coach, choking with dust and sweat. As I babbled away, he listened with pensive smiles. A baby in the arms of a peasant woman sitting in front of us started crying, and she smacked it hard. My father shot up from his seat and yelled at her, "Don't you hit the baby!" I hurriedly pulled his sleeve and made him sit down. The whole coach stared at us. It was most unusual for a Chinese to interfere in a matter like this. I thought with a sigh of how my father had changed from the days when he had beaten Jin-ming and Xiao-her.
除了这人和童先生外，我父亲没去看任何人——因为他还没有平反。和我充满乐观的心情相反，他心事重重。为了使他高兴，我缠着他和母亲在38摄氏度的高温下游览全城。有一次，我硬拉着他和我去爬长城，我们乘上一辆挤满人的长途汽车，车里汗臭熏天，尘土又呛得人透不过气来。我不停地东说西说，他呢，挂着抑郁的微笑听。突然，坐在我们面前的农妇抱着的一个小孩大哭起来，农妇一巴掌打下去。父亲忽地从座位上跳了起来，朝她大喊：“你怎么这样打孩子！”我连忙拉他的袖子要他坐下，车里乘客都在看我们，因为公开干涉他人的这类事很不寻常。我叹了口气，想起父亲从前怎么打京明和小黑。他变多了！
In Peking I also read books which opened new horizons for me. President Nixon had visited China in February that year. The official line was that he had come “with a white flag." The idea that America was the number-one enemy had by now vanished from my mind, together with much of my indoctrination. I was overjoyed that Nixon had come because his visit helped generate a new climate in which some translations of foreign books were becoming available. They were marked 'for internal circulation," which meant in theory that they were to be read only by authorized personnel, but there were no rules specifying to whom they should be circulated, and they passed freely between friends if one of them had privileged access through their job.
在北京我也看到了做梦也不敢企望的新书。那年2月，尼克松总统访问了中国，中国官方说他是“打着白旗来的”。美国人是头号敌人的这种想法和我所受的一些别的灌输一样，早已从我的头脑里消失了。我很高兴尼克松访华，因为随着他的访问，中国出现了一种新气氛。在这种气氛里，一些外国书籍翻译出版了。这些书都是“内部发行”，但“内部”是什么，没有明确规定。结果是只要是一个通过职务、身份得到一本书，他的朋友们就都能看到。
I was able to lay my hands on some of these publications.
It was with unimaginable pleasure that I read Nixon's own Six Crises (somewhat expurgated, of course, given his antiCommunist past), David Halberstam's The Best and the Brightest, William L. Shirer's The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, and The Winds of War by Herman Wouk, with their (to me) up-to-date picture of the outside world. The descriptions of the Kennedy administration in The Best and the Brightest made me marvel at the relaxed atmosphere of the American government, in contrast with my own so remote, frightening, and secretive. I was captivated by the style of writing in the nonfiction works. How cool and detached it was!? Even Nixon's Six Crises seemed a model of calmness compared with the sledgehammer style of the Chinese media, full of hectoring, denunciations, and assertions. In The Winds of War I was less impressed by its majestic descriptions of the times than by its vignettes showing the uninhibited fuss that Western women could make about their clothing, by their easy access to it and by the range of colors and styles available. At twenty, I had only a few clothes, in the same style as everybody else, almost every piece blue, gray, or white. I closed my eyes and caressed in my imagination all the beautiful dresses I had never seen or worn.
我也看到几本，有尼克松的《六次危机》(Six Crisis)，当然经过一点删节，特别他有那么段反共历史；胡伯斯坦(David Halberstain)的《出类拔萃之辈》(The Best And Brightest)；夏勒(William L．Shirer)的《第三帝国的兴亡》(The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich)以及沃克(Herman Work)的《战争风云》(The Winds of War)。这些书使我看到了外面世界的最新动态，使我喜不自胜。《出类拔萃之辈》对肯尼迪政府的描写让我对美国政府的松弛气氛惊叹不已。书中写实的笔调也令我大为折服，它们是多么冷静、超然！对照中国宣传媒体的说教、谴责和断言，甚至尼克松的《六次危机》也成了平和文风的典范。我为《战争风云》中气势雄伟的时代描述所慑服，更被它偶然提到的西方妇女穿着讲究、多选择所吸引。我当时二十岁，只有几件衣服，式样跟大家一模一样，不是蓝的、灰的，就是白的。我合上眼，想象着抚摸那些我从来没见过、穿过的漂亮衣服。
The increased availability of information from abroad was, of course, part of the general liberalization after the downfall of Lin Biao, but Nixon's visit gave it a convenient pretext the Chinese must not lose face by showing themselves to be totally ignorant of America. In those days, every step in the process of relaxation had to be given some farfetched political justification. Learning English was now a worthy cause for 'winning friends from all over the world' and was therefore no longer a crime. So as not to alarm or frighten our distinguished guest, streets and restaurants lost the militant names that had been imposed on them at the beginning of the Cultural Revolution by the Red Guards. In Chengdu, although it was not visited by Nixon, the restaurant The Whiff of Gunpowder switched back to its old name, The Fragrance of Sweet Wind.
这些新鲜空气自然是林彪垮台后整个政治风气的一部分，但尼克松的访华也给松“紧箍咒”带来了冠冕堂皇的理由。增加国外的信息说是因为中国人不能显得对美国一无所知而丢了面子。学习英语不再是大逆不道了，而是革命事业的需要，为了“在全世界广交朋友”。尽管尼克松没有去成都，为了避免吓坏了尊贵的外宾，文革初期被红卫兵改成杀气腾腾名字的街道和餐馆，也恢复了旧名。“火药味”改回“香风味”。
I was in Peking for five months. Whenever I was alone, I thought of Day. We did not write to each other. I composed poems to him, but kept them to myself. Eventually, my hope for the future conquered my regrets about the past.
就是在这种气氛里，我在北京呆了五个月。我一个人独处时，总想到戴。我们没有通信，我给他写了诗，但都没有寄出去。慢慢地，对前途的向往战胜了对旧情的眷念。
One piece of news in particular overshadowed all my other thoughts for the first time since I was fourteen I saw the possibility of a future I had not dared to dream about: I might be able to go to college. In Peking, small numbers of students had been enrolled in the previous couple of years, and it looked as though universities all over the country would be opening soon. Zhou Enlai was emphasizing a quote by Mao to the effect that universities were still needed, particularly for science and techno log I could not wait to get back to Chengdu to start studying to try to get in.
特别是一则消息使所有别的想法都黯淡无光，自十四岁以来，我第一次看见了一个从不敢梦想的前途——上大学。在北京有很少数的学生已于前一两年入学了，看来全国大学不久就要统统开学。周恩来强调了毛泽东的一条语录，“大学还是要办的”，以使重开大学合法化。我焦躁地等着回成都去准备功课考大学。
I returned to the factory in September 1972, and saw Day without too much pain. He had also become calm, only occasionally revealing a glimpse of melancholy. We were good friends again, but we no longer talked about poetry. I buried myself in my preparations for a university course, although I had no idea which. It was not up to me to choose, as Mao had said that 'education must be thoroughly revolutionized." This meant, among other things, that university students were to be assigned to courses with no consideration for what they were interested in that would be individualism, a capitalist vice. I began to study all the major subjects: Chinese, math, physics, chemistry, biology, and English.
1972年9月，我回到工厂，看见了戴。我的悲伤心情已变淡了，他也显得平静，只是偶尔露出一丝忧郁。我们再次成了好朋友，但不再谈诗了。我埋头学习，准备上大学。虽然不知道上大学要念什么。这可由不得我，毛泽东说过“教育要革命”，内容之一是大学读什么专业由国家分配，而不由个人兴趣——个人兴趣是个人主义，是资产阶级的罪恶。我只得学习所有主要的课程：语文、数学、物理、化学、生物和英语。
Mao had also decreed that students were not to come from the traditional source middle-school graduates but had to be workers or peasants. This suited me, as I had been a genuine peasant and was now a worker.
毛泽东还指示大学生不得来自传统渠道——中学毕业生，而必须从工人、农民和士兵中选拔。这对我倒正合适，我是真资格的农民，而且现在又是工人。
There was to be an entrance exam, Zhou Enlai had decided, although he had to change the term 'exam' (kaosho) to 'an investigation into the candidates' situation of handling some basic knowledge, and their ability to analyze and solve concrete problems," a criterion based on another Mao quote. Mao did not like exams. The new procedure was that first one had to be recommended by one's work unit, then came entrance examinations, then the enrollment authorities weighed the exam results and the applicant's 'political behavior."
周思来决定举行入学考试，虽然他得把“考试”这个词改成了解考生“掌握基础知识的状况和分析问题、解决问题的能力”。这是根据毛泽东的另一条语录，毛不喜欢考试。上大学的新程序是：首先由申请者的工作单位推荐，然后参加入学考试。最后招生单位权衡考试结果和申请人的“政治表现”来做决定。
For nearly ten months I spent all my evenings and weekends, and much of my time at the factory as well, poring over textb0oks that had survived the flames of the Red Guards. They came from many friends. I also had a network of tutors who gave up their evenings and holidays happily and enthusiastically. People who loved learning felt a rapport which bound them together. This was the reaction from a nation with a highly sophisticated civilization which had been subjected to virtual extinction.
近十个月时间，我把傍晚、周末及在工厂里的大部分时间都花在细心啃教科书上。这些书是朋友们的，侥幸逃脱了红卫兵焚书的大火。我还有好几个教师，他们乐意放弃傍晚和假日休息时间，热心帮我补习。高度发达的中华文化在文革中面临灭绝的危险，使热爱这个文化的人们都感到有一条纽带把他们联系在一起。
In spring 1973, Deng Xiaoping was rehabilitated and appointed vice-premier, the de facto deputy to the ailing Zhou Enlai. I was thrilled. Deng's comeback seemed to me a sure sign that the Cultural Revolution was being reversed. He was known to be dedicated to construction rather than destruction, and was an excellent administrator. Mao had sent him away to a tractor factory in relative security to keep him in reserve in case of Zhou Enlai's demise. No matter how power-crazed, Mao was always careful not to burn his bridges.
1975年春天，邓小平平了反，升为副总理，实际是代理患病的周恩来。我高兴极了！这对我来说是一个明确无疑的信号：文革渐渐扭转情势了。大家普遍认为邓小平是致力于经济建设而不是搞破坏的人，是出色的治国人才。文革中毛泽东没有把他整死，而是把他送到一家拖拉机厂保护起来，以在周恩来出意外时派上用场。毛泽东总是很实际，不会断了后路。
I was delighted at Deng's rehabilitation for personal reasons as well. I had known his stepmother very well when I was a child, and his half-sister was our neighbor for years in the compound we all called her "Auntie Deng." She and her husband had been denounced simply because they were related to Deng, and the compound residents who had fawned over her before the Cultural Revolution shunned her. But my family greeted her as usual. At the same time, she was one of the very few people in the compound who would tell my family how they admired my father at the height of his persecution. In those days even a nod, or a fleeting smile, was rare and precious, and our two families developed very warm feelings for each other.
我很高兴邓小平复出也有个人原因。当我是孩子时，他的继母邓奶奶对我很好，他妹妹是我家在省委大院里多年的邻居。邓阿姨和她丈夫因为是邓小平的亲戚而被批判斗争，省委里那些在文革前讨好奉承她的人，在文革中都极力避开她，有的在斗争会上大骂她，但是我家像以往一样对她。她呢，也是省委大院少有的几个在我父亲被迫害时，偷偷对我们表示佩服我父亲的人。在那些日子里，一个点头，一丝微笑，都是罕见而宝贵的，我们两个家庭发展出彼此信赖的感情。
In the summer of 1973, university enrollment started. I felt as if I was awaiting a sentence of life or death. One place in the Foreign Languages Department at Sichuan University was allocated to the Second Bureau of Light Industry in Chengdu, which had twenty-three factories under it, mine being one of them. Each of the factories had to nominate one candidate to sit for exams. In my factory there were several hundred workers, and six people applied, including me. An election was held to select the candidate, and I was chosen by four of the factory's five workshops.
1973年夏天，大学招生开始了。我感觉到自己像是在等待生死判决。四川大学外文系的一个名额分配给了成都市二轻局，而这个局管理了包括我的厂在内的二十三家工厂，每个厂推荐一名候选人士参加考试。我的厂里几百名工人中有六个人申请，各车间举手表决选举，五个车间有四个选了我。
In my own workshop there was another candidate, a friend of mine who was nineteen. Both of us were popular, but our work mates could only vote for one of us. Her name was read out first; there was an awkward stirring it was clear that people could not decide what to do. I was miserable in the extreme if there were a lot of votes for her, there would be fewer for me. Suddenly she stood up and said with a smile, "I'd like to forgo my candidacy and vote for Chang Jung. I'm two years younger than she is. I'll try next year." The workers burst out in relieved laughter, and promised to vote for her next year. And they did. She went to the university in 1974.
我所属车间里还有另一名申请人，她是我的朋友，十九岁。工人对我们俩都喜欢，但他们只能在我们之中选一个。选举时，她的名字先念，我看见一排排工人在不安地耳语、对看，大家显然不知该怎么办。我心里乱糟糟的——选她的人越多，选我的人就越少。突然她站起身来，略不好意思地笑着说：“我想放弃申请，选张戎。我比她年轻两岁，我明年再争取。”工人爆发出一阵放心的笑，都答应第二年再推荐她。果然，她于1974年进了大学。
I was hugely moved by her gesture, and also by the outcome of the vote. It was as if the workers were helping me to achieve my dreams. My family background did not hurt, either. Day did not apply: he knew he had no chance.
我为她的好心和投票结果而深受感动，工人们好像都帮我实现梦想。我的家庭背景也不无作用，戴很想读书，但没有申请，他知道自己不可能成功。
I took the Chinese, math, and English exams. I was so nervous the night before that I could not sleep. When I came home for the lunch break, my sister was waiting for me. She massaged my head gently, and I fell into a light snooze. The papers were very elementary, and scarcely touched on my assiduously imbibed geometry, trigonometry, physics, and chemistry. I got honors in all my papers, and for my English oral I got the highest mark of all the candidates in Chengdu.
我参加了语文、数学和英语考试。考试前一天晚上我紧张得无论如何也睡不着觉。一上午考完后，我回家吃午饭，姐姐在家等着我，轻柔地按摩我头部，使我迷迷糊糊休息了一阵。题目都很简单，基本上没有涉及我拼命塞进脑子里的几何、三角、物理和化学。我每门考得都很好，特别是英文口试，得了全市所有考生的最高分。
Before I could relax, there came a crushing blow. On 20 July an article appeared in the People's Daily about a 'blank exam paper." Unable to answer the questions in his university entrance papers, an applicant called Zhang Tie-sheng, who had been sent to the countryside near Jinzhou, had handed in a blank sheet, along with a letter complaining that the exams were tantamount to a 'capitalist restoration." His letter was seized on by Mao's nephew and personal aide, Mao Yuanxin, who was running the province. Mme Mao and her cohorts condemned the emphasis on academic standards as 'bourgeois dictatorship."
我正想松口气，却遭到当头棒喝。7月20日《人民日报》上出现一篇关于《一张白卷》的文章。有名考生叫张铁生，是落户锦州附近农村的青年，他答不出大学入学考试题，只好交了一份白卷。他在卷上写了一封信，骂考试是资本主义复辟。他的信被主管那个省的毛泽东侄儿兼助手毛远新发现，让新闻媒介大力宣扬。毛夫人和她的同伙把强调学术水准斥责为“资产阶级专政”。他们说：“就算整个国家都成了文盲又算什么？重要的是文化大革命取得了最伟大的胜利！”
"What does it matter even if the whole country becomes illiterate?" they declared.
"What matters is that the Cultural Revolution achieves the greatest triumph!"
The exams I had taken were declared void. Entrance to universities was now to be decided solely by 'political behavior." How that should be measured became a big question. The recommendation from my factory had been written after a 'collective appraisal meeting' of the electricians' team. Day had drafted it and my former female electrician master had polished it. It made me out to be an absolute paragon, the most model worker that ever existed.
结果我参加的考试被宣布无效。大学入学这下子全由“政治表现”决定了。可是“政治表现”如何衡量呢？我的工厂推荐我的材料是在电工班的“集体鉴定会”后写出来的，由戴起草，我从前的女电工师傅润色。写得我简直像个天上难找、地下难寻的十全十美模范。我一点也不怀疑别的二十二候选人也有同样的推荐资料，怎么可能靠这样的评语判出高低来呢？
I had no doubt that the other twenty-two candidates had exactly the same credentials. There was therefore no way to differentiate between us.
不靠评语又靠什么呢？一个广为宣传的“英雄”喊道：“你问我凭什么上大学，我凭的是这个！”话音一落，他举起手，露出老茧。但是我们大家的手上都有老茧，我们全部在工厂干过，绝大多数人还在农村待过。
The official propaganda was not much help. One widely publicized 'hero' shouted, "You ask me for my qualification for university? My qualification is this!" at which he raised his hands and pointed at his calluses. But we all had calluses on our hands. We had all been in factories, and most had worked on farms.
There was only one alternative: the back door.
只有一条路：后门。
Most directors of the Sichuan Enrollment Committee were old colleagues of my father's who had been rehabilitated, and they admired his courage and integrity. But, much though he wanted me to have a university education, my father would not ask them to help.
四川省招生委员会的大多数当权者都是我父亲的老同事，现在平了反。他们欣赏我父亲的勇气和正直，愿意帮助他。我父亲非常希望我能够上大学，但他不愿去找这些老同事。
"It would not be fair to people with no power," he said. "What would our country become if things had to be done this way?"
他说：“这对那些无权无势的人太不公平了。要是办事都得这样，这国家有什么希望呢？”
I started to argue with him, and ended up in tears. I must have looked truly heartbroken, because eventually he said, with a pained face.
我气得和他争执，说着说着就大哭起来。我必定看上去伤心透了，因为父亲满脸痛苦地说：
"All right, I'll do it."
“好吧！好吧！我去。”
I took his arm and we walked to a hospital about a mile away where one of the directors of the Enrollment Committee was having a check up: nearly all victims of the Cultural Revolution suffered appalling health as a result of their ordeals. My father walked slowly, with the help of a stick. His old energy and sharpness had disappeared.
我搀扶着他朝一哩外的一家医院走去，一位招生委员会负责人正在这里住院，检查身体。几乎所有文革被整的人都身心交瘁。父亲拄着拐杖慢慢地走着，过去的生气勃勃和敏捷已没有半点影子。
Watching him shuffling along, stopping to rest every now and then, battling with his mind as well as his legs, I wanted to say "Let's go back." But I also desperately wanted to get into the university.
看着他拖着艰难的步伐一点点往前走，不时停下来喘气，显然内心也像手脚一样挣扎着，我真想说：“回去吧！”但是，我又太想上大学了。
On the hospital grounds we sat on the edge of a low stone bridge to rest. My father looked in torment. Eventually he said, "Would you forgive me? I really find it very difficult to do this .... For a second I felt a surge of resentment, and wanted to cry out at him that there was no fairer alternative. I wanted to tell him how much I had dreamed of going to the university, and that I deserved it for my hard work, for my exam results, and because I had been elected. But I knew my father knew all this. And it was he who had given me my thirst for knowledge. Still, he had his principles, and because I loved him I had to accept him as he was, and understand his dilemma of being a moral man living in a land which was a moral void. I held back my tears and said, "Of course." We trudged back home in silence.
进了医院院子，我们坐在低矮的石头桥沿上休息，父亲看上去回肠九转。终于他说话了：“你能原谅我吗，女儿？我实在不能做这事……”顿时我觉得一阵愤怒，直想冲他大喊，说我也不想做这种事，但不这样做就没有希望。这不是我的错，实在是没有更公平的路好走啊！我想告诉他我是多么想上大学，而且我有资格上：凭我的艰苦学习，凭我的考试成绩，凭我是工人们选出来的。但话冲到嘴边又吞了下去。我明白父亲知道这些，正是他从小鼓励了我对知识的渴求。然而，他有他的原则，我爱他，只能接受他这个人。我也理解他的困境，一个讲道德原则的人生活在一块道德的沙漠里。我咽下眼泪，简单答了一声：“当然。”我们沉默地拖着步子回了家。
How lucky I was to have my resourceful mother!? She went to the wife of the head of the Enrollment Committee, who then spoke to her husband. My mother also went to see the other chiefs, and got them to back me. She emphasized my exam results, which she knew would be the clincher for these former capitalist-roaders. In October 1973, I entered the Foreign Languages Department of Sichuan University in Chengdu to study English.
幸运的是，母亲是个在死胡同中也要冲出条路来的人。她去见招生委员会主任的妻子请她向丈夫转述我的情形。她还去见别的招生委员会负责人，向他们强调我的考试成绩，她很清楚那些以前的走资派一听这个就会动心，结果他们都支持我。1973年10月，我进了四川大学外语系。