27 "If This Is Paradise, What Then Is Hell?"
二十七 “如果这是天堂，地狱又是什么样子呢？”
——The Death of My Father (1974-1976)
——父亲之死(1974年—1976年)
All this time, unlike most of his former colleagues, my father had not been rehabilitated or given a job. He had been sitting at home in Meteorite Street doing nothing since he came back from Peking with my mother and me in autumn 1972. The problem was that he had criticized Mao by name. The team investigating him was sympathetic and tried to ascribe some of what he had said against Mao to his mental illness. But the team came up against fierce opposition amongst the higher authorities, who wanted to give him a severe condemnation. Many of my father's colleagues sympathized with him and indeed admired him. But they had to think about their own necks.
在这段时期，我父亲和大多数以前的同事不同，没有平反，也没有复职。1972年，我们从北京回来后，父亲一直住在支机石街的家里，没有事做。没有平反是因为他指名道姓地批评了毛泽东。负责审查他的专案组同情他，想把一些他说过的反毛泽东的话算成是他在发精神病，但是这遭到省革命委员会的强烈反对，他们想给他定大罪。许多我父亲以前的同事同情他，也钦佩他的勇气，但他们也得为自己着想。
Besides, my father did not belong to any clique and had no powerful patron which might have helped get him cleared. Instead, he had well-placed enemies.
另外，我父亲不属于任何共产党内的宗派，没有强有力的保护人可以说一句话为他洗清罪名，相反地，他有一些身居要职的对头。
One day back in 1968, my mother, who was briefly out from detention, saw an old friend of my father's at a roadside food stall. This man had thrown in his lot with the Tings. He was with his wife, who had actually been introduced to him by my mother and Mrs. Ting when they were working together in Yibin. In spite of the couple's obvious reluctance to have anything to do with her beyond a brief nod, my mother marched up to their table and joined them.
1968年的一天，我母亲从被关的地方短暂释放出来，在路边一家小吃店里，忽然，她看见一个我父亲过去的朋友和他的妻子也在那里吃饭。五十年代初在宜宾工作时，我母亲和“挺夫人”是他们两口子的媒人，文革中他们投靠了“二挺”。这时，他们朝我母亲点点头，显出不想和她多说话的样子。我母亲不管三七二十一，径直走到他们的桌边坐下，请求他们向“二挺”求情放过我父亲。
She asked them to appeal to the Tings to spare my father.
After hearing my mother out, the man shook his head and said, "It's not so simple .... Then he dipped a finger into his tea and wrote the character Zuo on the table. He gave my mother a meaningful look, got up with his wife, and left without another word.
听完我母亲讲述后，那男的摇了摇头说：“事情没这么简单……”随即他把手指伸进茶里，沾上水在桌上写了个“左”字，然后意味深长看了我母亲一眼，和妻子一道站起来，一句话也没再说就走了。
Zuo was a former close colleague of my father's, and was one of the few senior officials who did not suffer at all in the Cultural Revolution. He became the darling of Mrs. Shau's Rebels and a friend of the Tings, but survived their demise and that of Lin Biao and remained in power.
左先生是我父亲以前的同事，他是少数几个在文革中几乎没有挨整的高干之一，姚女士的造反派捧他，“二挺”跟他酒饭往来，“二挺”、林彪倒台后，他居然安然无恙，继续掌权。
My father would not withdraw his words against Mao.
父亲始终不认罪。
But when the team investigating him suggested putting them down to his mental illness, he acquiesced, with great anguish.
当专案组要把他反毛的话说成是精神病造成的时候，他无可奈何、痛苦万分地承认了。
Meanwhile, the general situation made him despondent.
There were no principles governing either the behavior of the people or the conduct of the Party. Corruption began to come back in a big way. Officials looked after their families and friends first. For fear of being beaten up, teachers gave all pupils top marks irrespective of the quality of their work, and bus conductors would not collect fares.
每日，他生活在强烈的精神压力下，不知他们会给自己定什么罪，更不知会如何“祸及妻儿”。他还忧国忧民：老百姓跟共产党现在都没有行事的准则，腐败开始蔓延；官员们首先照顾自己的家庭和朋友；教师们因为害怕挨打，给学生一律打高分；公共汽车售票员既不卖票也不查票；着眼于公共利益的人受到公开嘲笑。毛泽东的文化大革命毁掉了共产党的纪律和社会道德。
Dedication to public good was openly sneered at. Mao's Cultural Revolution had destroyed both Party discipline and civic morality.
My father found it difficult to control himself so that he would not speak his mind and say things that would incriminate him and his family further.
父亲焦虑重重，忧心如焚。为了不再“乱说话”，进一步害自己和累及家庭，他只好依赖镇静剂来控制自己。
He had to rely on tranquilizers. When the political climate was more relaxed, he took less; when the campaigns intensified, he took more. Every time the psychiatrists renewed his supply, they shook their heads, saying it was extremely dangerous for him to continue taking such large doses. But he could only manage short periods off the pills.
当政治气氛松弛时，他吃得少，运动风声紧时他就多吃。精神病医生每次开药时都担心地摇头，说这种吃法非常危险，但是不吃又不行。
In May 1974 he sensed that he was on the verge of a breakdown, and asked to be given psychiatric treatment.
1974年5月，他觉得自己快旧疾复发了，就要求进医院。
This time he was hospitalized swiftly, thanks to his former colleagues who were now back in charge of the health service.
多亏他那些卫生部门的官复原职的同事，他这次入院很顺利。
I got leave from the university and went to stay with him in the hospital to keep him company. Dr. Su, the psychiatrist who had treated him before, was looking after him again. Under the Tings, Dr. Su had been condemned for giving a true diagnosis about my father, and had been ordered to write a confession saying my father had been faking madness. He refused, for which he was subjected to denunciation meetings, beaten up, and thrown out of the medical profession. I saw him one day in 1968, emptying rubbish bins and cleaning the hospital spittoons. His hair had turned gray, though he was only in his thirties. After the downfall of the Tings he was rehabilitated. He was very friendly to my father and me, as were all the doctors and nurses. They told me they would take good care of my father, and that I did not have to stay with him. But I wanted to. I thought he needed love more than anything else. And I was anxious about what might happen if he fell down with no one around. His blood pressure was dangerously high, and he had already had several minor heart attacks, which had left him with a walking impediment. He looked as though he might slip at any time.
我请假离校到医院去陪他。那位上次为他治病的精神病专家苏医生这次又负责给他治病。在“二挺”统治时期，苏医生因诚实地诊断了我父亲的病而吃了很多苦。造反派命令他说我父亲是装疯。他拒绝了，因而在大小批判会上挨斗、被毒打，也不让他当医生了。1968年的一天，我看见他时，他正在清扫垃圾箱，洗刷医院的痰盂，那时他才三十多岁，头发就已经花白了。“二挺”倒台后，他平了反。这次他和其他医生、护士对父亲和我非常友好。他们告诉我他们会细心照料我父亲，要我不必陪伴。但我坚持，我想他最需要的是爱。我还担忧他一旦摔倒，周围没人，后果会不堪设想。他的血压高得可怕，又发了好几次轻度心肌梗塞，这使得他走起路来高一脚低一脚，就像随时都会摔倒。
Doctors warned that a fall could be fatal. I moved into the men's ward with him, into the same room he had occupied in summer 1967. Each room could accommodate two patients, but my father had the room to himself, and I slept in the spare bed.
医生说跌倒可能致命。我搬进了男病房，和他同住在1967年夏天住过的房间。医院里每间病房可容两个病人，我父亲独占一间，我就睡在另外那张床上。
I was with him every moment in case he fell over. When he went to the toilet, I waited outside. If he stayed in there for what I thought was too long, I would start to imagine he had had a heart attack, and would make a fool of myself by calling out to him. Every day I took long walks with him in the back garden, which was full of other psychiatric patients in gray-striped pajamas walking incessantly, with spiritless eyes. The sight of them always made me scared and intensely sad.
因为怕他跌倒，我时刻都和他在一起。他上厕所时，我在外面等候。如果他呆在厕所里时间太长，我就会胡思乱想，以为他发了心脏病，在门外不顾不好意思地大喊他，要他回答。每天我都陪他在后花园散步，这里满是精神病患者，穿着灰条纹的衣裤走来走去，瞪着呆滞的眼睛。他们的眼神使我既害怕又觉悲哀。
The garden itself was full of vivid colors. White butterflies fluttered among yellow dandelions on the lawn. In the surrounding flowerbeds were a Chinese aspen, graceful swaying bamboos, and a few garnet flowers of pomegranates behind a thicket of oleanders. As we walked, I composed my poems.
花园里五彩缤纷，白蝴蝶在草坪上淡黄的蒲公英花尖拍翅，环绕的花坛里长着紫荆和婆娑起舞的竹子，大红石榴花从一丛夹竹桃后探出头来。我一边散步，一边作诗。
At one end of the garden was a large entertainment room where the inmates went to play cards and chess and to flip through the few newspapers and sanctioned books.
花园的一头是一间大娱乐室。病人在里面打牌、下棋，翻翻屈指可数的报纸和书籍。
One nurse told me that earlier in the Cultural Revolution the room had been used for the inmates to study Chairman Mao's works because his nephew, Mao Yuanxin, had 'discovered' that Mao's Little Red Book, rather than medical treatment, was the cure for mental patients. The study sessions did not last long, the nurse told me, because 'whenever a patient opened his mouth, we were all scared to death. Who knew what he was going to say?"
一位护士告诉我，文革初期这里是病人学《毛泽东选集》的地方。毛泽东的侄儿毛远新发现毛泽东的小红书能代替药物治好精神病。但这种学习并没持久，护士说：“病人一开口，我们就吓得要死，天晓得他会说些什么？”
The patients were not violent, as their treatment had sapped their physical and mental vitality. Even so, living among them was frightening, particularly at night, when my father's pills had sent him into a sound sleep and the whole building had become quiet. Like all the rooms, ours had no lock, and several times I woke with a start to find a man standing by my bed, holding the mosquito net open and staring at me with the intensity of the insane. I would break into a cold sweat and pull up the quilt to stifle a scream: the last thing I wanted was to wake my father sleep was vital to his recovery. Eventually, the patient would shuffle away.
病人们都不狂暴，治疗削弱了他们生理、精神上的活力。既便如此，和他们呆在一起也是件怕人的事，特别是在夜晚，当父亲的药物发生作用使他熟睡后，整座楼都悄然无声时。和所有病房一样，我们的病房也不能从里边上锁。有好几次我从梦中惊醒，看见一个陌生的病人站在我床边，撩起蚊帐，以精神病人特有的直勾勾的眼神看着我。我冒出冷汗，拉上被子塞住嘴不让自己喊出声来，怕吵醒了父亲，睡眠对他的康复太重要了。最后，病人像幽灵般拖着脚步走开。
After a month, my father went home. But he was not completely cured his mind had been under too much pressure for too long, and the political environment was still too repressive for him to relax. He had to keep taking tranquilizers. There was nothing the psychiatrists could do. His nervous system was wearing out, and so were his body and mind.
一个月后，父亲回家了。但是他没有复原，他的大脑神经受非人压力的时间太久，依旧存在的高压空气又完全谈不上放松，他只能照旧不断地服用镇静剂，精神病专家也毫无办法。他的脑子和身体就这么折磨坏了。
Eventually, a draft verdict on him was drawn up by the team investigating him. It said that he had 'committed serious political errors' which was one step away from behind labeled a 'class enemy." In line with Party regulations, the draft verdict was given to my father to sign as confirmation that he accepted it. When he read it, he wept.
到后来，专案组终于起草了一份结论，上面说他“犯了严重的政治错误”——和“阶级敌人”只有一步之遥。按共产党的规矩，草稿给我父亲看，接受就在上面签字。他看完后，满脸泪水，但签了字。
But he signed.
The verdict was not accepted by the higher authorities. They wanted a harsher one.
可是省革委主管部门的当权者还是不满意，他们要写得更严重些，给他处罚。
In March 1975, my brother-in-law Specs was up for promotion in his factory, and the personnel officers of the factory came to my father's department for the obligatory political investigation. A former Rebel from Mrs. Shau's group received the visitors and told them my father was 'anti-Mao." Specs did not get his promotion. He did not mention it to my parents for fear of upsetting them, but a friend from my father's department came to the house and my father overheard him whispering the news to my mother. The pain he showed was harrowing when he apologized to Specs for jeopardizing his future. In tears of despair he said to my mother, "What have I done for even my son-in-law to be dragged down like this? What do I have to do to save you?"
拖到1975年3月，一天，我姐夫“眼镜”的工厂准备提拔他，派人到父亲部里进行必须的“政审”。一位过去姚女士造反派的成员接待了来访者，告诉他们我父亲“反对毛主席”，问题很严重，结果“眼镜”的提拔告吹了。“眼镜”并没有对我父母提到过这件事，担心这会使他们不安。但是省委宣传部的一位好心人到家来悄悄告诉了母亲。父亲无意中听到了，他心痛欲裂，万般无奈地向“眼镜”道歉，怪自己误了女婿的前程。他流者绝望的眼泪对母亲说：“我究竟犯何罪，让女婿也受牵连？我到底要怎么办，才能救你们呢？”
In spite of taking a large number of tranquilizers, my father hardly slept over the following days and nights. On the afternoon of 9 April he said he was going to have a nap.
以后四天，父亲不管吃多少镇静剂也无法入睡。4月9日下午，他在院子里对母亲说他想去睡一会儿，就独自上楼了。
When my mother finished cooking supper in our small ground-floor kitchen, she thought she would leave him to sleep a little longer. Eventually she went upstairs to the bedroom and found she could not wake him. She realized he had had a heart attack. We had no telephone, so she rushed to the provincial government clinic one street away and found its head, Dr. Jen.
母亲在我家楼下那间小厨房里做好了晚饭，没叫他吃，想让他多睡一会儿。等了半天，她心里不安，上了楼，来到卧室，发现唤不醒他了，她马上意识到父亲发了心脏病，我家没有电话，母亲连奔带跑，到了一条街外的省委门诊部，辗转找到主任冉先生。
DrJen was extremely able, and before the Cultural Revolution he had been in charge of the health of the elite in the compound. He had often come to our apartment, and would discuss the health of all my family, with great concern. But when the Cultural Revolution started and we were out of favor, he became cold and disdainful toward us. I saw many people like Dr Jen, and their behavior never ceased to shock me.
冉是个很能干的人。文革之前，他负责省委上层官员的保健工作，经常出入我家，殷勤备至地对全家的健康问长问短。文革开始我家倒了楣后，他也变了张脸，不答理我们了。在那些年头里，像冉那样的人，我见得多了，但总想不透他们何以要如此。
When my mother found him, Dr. Jen was clearly irritated, and said he would come when he had finished what he was doing. She told him a heart attack could not wait, but he looked at her as if to say that impatience would not help her. It was an hour before he deigned to come to our house with a nurse, but without any first-aid equipment.
母亲找到冉先生时，他一副不耐烦的样子，说做完手上的事就来。母亲说心脏病不能等，但他只是瞟瞟她，意思是催他也没用。一小时后，他才带着一个护士大驾光临，两人都空着手，没带任何急救物品。
The nurse had to walk back to fetch it. Dr. Jen turned Father over a few times, and then just sat and waited.
护士见事不妙，转身回去拿，冉先生把我父亲的身体翻来翻去地检查，这对心脏病人很危险，半小时又过去了，急救品才到，我父亲已经停止了呼吸。
Another half an hour passed, by which time my father was dead.
That night I was in my dormitory at the university, working by candlelight during one of the frequent blackouts.
那天晚上学校照例停了电，我在宿舍里伏在蜡烛光下看书。
Some people from my father's department arrived and drove me home without explanation.
忽然来了一些省委宣传部的人，没有多加解释，就驱车带我回家。
Father lay sideways in his bed, his face unusually peaceful, as though he had gone to a restful sleep. He no longer looked senescent, but youthful, even younger than his age of fifty-four. I felt as if my heart was torn into fragments, and I wept uncontrollably.
我看见父亲侧躺在床上，面部表情异常平静，好像是在沉睡。他看上去不再衰老，甚至比他实际年龄五十四岁还要年轻。我觉得肝肠寸断，无法控制地痛哭起来。
For days I wept in silence. I thought of my father's life, his wasted dedication and crushed dreams. He need not have died. Yet his death seemed so inevitable. There was no place for him in Mao's China, because he had tried to be an honest man. He had been betrayed by something to which he had given his whole life, and the betrayal had destroyed him.
以后几天，我都在默默地流泪。我反复想着父亲的一生，想他白费了的忠诚，粉碎的梦。他不该死，然而他的死似乎又不可避免。那个时代容不了他，因为他想做一个诚实正直的人。(此处删去一句)
My mother demanded that Dr Jen be punished. If it had not been for his negligence, my father might not have died.
母亲要追查冉先生的责任。如果不是他渎职，我父亲可能不会死。
Her request was dismissed as a 'widow's emotionalism."
她的要求被看作是“寡妇的感情用事”而不加理会。
She decided not to pursue the matter. She wanted to concentrate on a more important battle: getting an acceptable memorial speech for my father.
她也决定不在此事上纠缠，她得集中精力打更重的一仗，为我父亲争取到一个好一点的悼词。
This speech was extremely important, because it would be understood by everyone to be the Party's assessment of my father. It would be put into his personal file and continue to determine his children's future, even though he was dead. There were set patterns and fixed formulations for such a speech. Any deviation from the standard expressions used for an official who had been cleared would be interpreted as the Party having reservations about, or condemning, the dead person. A draft speech was drawn up and shown to my mother. It was full of damning deviations. My mother knew that with this valedictory my family would never be free of suspicion. At best we would live in a state of permanent insecurity; more likely, we would be discriminated against for generation after generation. She turned down several drafts.
追悼会上的悼词非常重要，人人都会把它理解为共产党对我父亲的评价。这份资料还会放进他的档案，在他死后继续决定孩子们的前程。悼词有固定的规格，对已平反的干部有标准的评价，任何跟标准评价不同的语句都会被理解为党对死者有保留，或者是在谴责他。悼词写出来了，拿给母亲过目，上面满是暗示性的指责，母亲清楚有了这样的悼词，我们家最好的结果也是永无出头之日，坏的结果我们将一代一代地永远受歧视和打击。于是她拒绝了一份份悼词草稿。
The odds were heavily against her, but she knew that there was a lot of sympathy for my father. This was the traditional time for a Chinese family to engage in a bit of emotional blackmail. After my father's death she had had a collapse, but she ban led with undiminished determination from her sickbed. She threatened to denounce the authorities at the memorial service if she did not get an acceptable valedictory. She summoned my father's friends and colleagues to her bedside, and told them she was putting the future of her children in their hands. They promised to speak up for my father. In the end, the authorities relented.
虽然她要达到要求是难之又难，我母亲很清楚有很多人同情父亲。死亡对中国家庭来说，可能是唯一的机会能争取到非此得不到的东西。于是父亲去世后卧床不起的母亲在病床上毫不放松地“战斗”，她威胁说如果得不到一份像样的悼词，就要在追悼会上当面控诉当局。她把父亲的朋友、同事请到病床边，告诉他们孩子们的命运托付给他们了，他们都答应为父亲说话。
Although no one yet dared to treat him as rehabilitated, the assessment was modified to one that was fairly innocuous.
最后，当局软了下来，悼词改得大致无害。
The service was held on 21 April. Following the standard practice, it was organized by a 'funeral committee' of my father's former colleagues, including people who had helped to persecute him, like Zuo. It was carefully staged down to the last detail, and was attended by about 500 people, according to the prescribed formula. These were apportioned between the several dozen departments and bureaus of the provincial government and the offices that came under my father's department. Even the odious Mrs. Shau was there. Each organization was asked to send a wreath, made of paper flowers, the size of which was specified. In a way, my family welcomed the fact that the occasion was official. A private ceremony was unheard of for someone of my father's position, and would be taken as a repudiation by the Party. I did not recognize most of the people there, but all my close friends who knew about my father's death came, including Plumpie, Nana, and the electricians from my old factory. My classmates from Sichuan University came as well, including the student official Ming. My old friend Bing, whom I had refused to see after my grandmother's death, turned up and our friendship immediately picked up where it had left off six years before.
追悼大会定于4月21日召开。按规矩，父亲以前的同事们组成“治丧小组”，小组里包括左先生。一切细节都有规定。参加大会约有五百人，大都是省级机关几十个部、局的干部，甚至有可憎的姚女士。每个部、局都要送一个纸花圈，尺寸按规格。我家也情愿追悼会官办，因为对我母亲这样的干部来说，私人葬礼闻所未闻，不官办会被看作是共产党唾弃死者。大多数与会的人，我都不认识，不过我的朋友们，像小胖、南南和厂里的电工。川大的同学也来了，学生干部明先生自然不例外。姥姥去世后，我拒绝见的老朋友平也来了，我们的友谊马上恢复，好像没有六年的间隔。
The ritual prescribed that one 'representative of the family of the deceased' should speak, and this role fell to me. I recalled my father's character, his moral principles, his faith in his Party, and his passionate dedication to the people. I hoped that the tragedy of his death would leave the participants with plenty to mull over.
追悼会有一项是“死者家属代表讲话”，母亲要我说。我回顾了父亲的人格、道德原则，对共产党的忠诚以及对人民的奉献。我希望他去世的悲剧能引起与会者的深思。
At the end, when everyone filed past and shook hands with us, I saw tears on the faces of many former Rebels. Even Mrs. Shall looked lugubrious. They had a mask for every occasion. Some of the Rebels murmured to me, "We are all very sorry about what your father went through."
结束时，所有人都排成队从我们面前经过，和我们握手。我看见许多从前的造反派脸上挂着眼泪，甚至姚女士也是一副悲哀相，这种人在各种场合好像总有相应的面具。有些造反派喃喃地对我说：“你爸爸受了很多罪……”
Maybe they were. But what difference did that make? My father was dead and they had had a big hand in killing him. Would they do the same thing to somebody else in the next campaign, I wondered.
可能他们真的是内疚。但内疚又能什么用呢？父亲已经死了——他们中有不少人都捅过一刀。我想，下次运动会不会照样对别人下毒手呢？
A young woman I did not know laid her head on my shoulder and sobbed violently. I felt a note being tucked into my hand. I read it afterward. On it was scribbled: "I was deeply moved by the character of your father. We must learn from him and be worthy successors to the cause he has left behind the great proletarian revolutionary cause."
一个我不认识的女青年一头趴在我肩头上痛哭，我感觉有张纸条塞到手心里。我后来看了这张条子，上面写着：“我为你父亲的高尚品德深深感动，我们一定要向他学习，完成他未竟之业——伟大的无产阶级革命事业。”
Did my speech really give rise to this, I pondered. It seemed there was no escape from the Communists' appropriation of moral principles and noble sentiments.
我的发言真的使她得出这个结论吗？我沉思默想，看来道德原则和高尚情操竟都成了共产党的专有品。
Some weeks before my father's death, I had been sitting in the Chengdu railway station with him waiting for a friend of his to arrive. We were in the same half-open waiting area where my mother and I had sat nearly a decade before when she was going to Peking to appeal for him. The waiting area had not changed much, except that it looked shabbier, and was much more crowded. Still more people thronged the large square out in front. Some were sleeping there, some just sitting, others breast-feeding their babies; quite a few were begging. These were peasants from the north, where there was a local famine the result of bad weather and, in some cases, sabotage by Mme Mao's coterie. They had come down on trains, crammed onto the roofs of the carriages. There were many stories about people being swept off, or decapitated going through tunnels.
父亲去世前几个星期的一天，我陪他到成都火车站去接他的一位朋友。我们坐在半敞的候车棚里等候，十年前就是在这个候车棚里，我送母亲去北京为他申诉。如今候车棚依旧，只是更加破烂，更加拥挤。更多的人挤在站前的广场上，有些躺在水泥地上睡觉，有些人呆坐着，不少妇女在奶孩子，还有人在乞讨，这些都是从北方逃荒的农民，被天灾加上毛夫人小集团制造的人祸所驱赶南下。来时他们大多挤在火车顶上，坐不稳摔下来跌死的，火车穿越隧道时被撞死的时有所闻。
On our way to the station, I had asked my father if I could go down the Yangtze during the summer vacation.
去火车站的路上，我告诉父亲我想在暑假到长江三峡玩，我对他说：“我最想做的事就是玩。”
"The priority in my life," I had declared, 'is to have fun."
He had shaken his head disapprovingly.
父亲摇头不同意说：
"When you are young, you should make your priority study and work."
“年轻人应该多学习、多工作。”
I brought up the subject again in the waiting area. A cleaner was sweeping the ground. At one point her path was partly blocked by a northern peasant woman who was sitting on the cement floor with a tattered bundle next to her and two toddlers in rags. A third child was suckling her breast, which she had bared without a trace of shyness, and which was black with dirt. The cleaner swept the dust right over them, as though they were not there. The peasant woman did not move a muscle.
坐在候车棚里，我又说起旅游，一个清洁工正在扫地，她扫的道上坐者一个北方农妇，旁边是个破烂包袱和两个衣衫褴褛的幼儿，还有个婴儿正在她怀里吃奶。她敞着胸，没有半点不好意思，胸脯又黑又脏。清洁工径直扫过去，对坐在地上的人视而不见，把垃圾都扫到他们身上。农妇完全无动于衷。
My father turned to me and said, "With people living like this all around you, how can you possibly have fun?" I was silent. I did not say, "But what can I, a mere individual, do? Must I live miserably for nothing?" That would have sounded shockingly selfish. I had been brought up in the tradition of 'regarding the interest of the whole nation as my own duty' (yi tian-xia wei fi-ren).
父亲转身向着我们说：“周围到处有人这样生活，你难道还有心思玩吗？”我没话说了，心想：“我一个人能干什么呢？我不玩、不愉快又能起得了什么作用呢？”我没说出来，这听起来是自私得不可思议，我是在“以天下为己任”的传统道德教育下长大的。
Now, in the emptiness I felt after my father's death, I began to question all such precepts. I wanted no grand mission, no 'causes," just a life a quiet, perhaps a frivolous life of my own. I told my mother that when the summer vacation came I wanted to travel down the Yangtze.
在父亲去世的万事皆空的心绪里，我开始怀疑所有这些格言、训导。我不想要伟大的使命，不想要“事业”，只想要生活——平静的生活，可能是琐碎的生活，却是自己的生活。我告诉母亲暑假期间，我想沿长江旅游。
She urged me to go. So did my sister, who, along with Specs, had been living with my family since she had returned to Chengdu. Specs's factory, which should normally have been responsible for providing him with housing, had built no new apartments during the Cultural Revolution. Then many employees, like Specs, had been single, and lived in dormitories eight to a room. Now, ten years later, most of them were married and had children.
她极力赞成我去，姐姐也支持我，她当时已回到成都和“眼镜”一起住在我家里。“眼镜”的工厂本应该供给他住房，但是在文革中没有建过新住宅。有许多像“眼镜”这样的职工，进厂时是单身汉，八个人住一间单身宿舍。十年之后，大多数人结了婚，有了孩子，没办法，只好挤在父母或岳父母家，三代同堂很普遍。
There was nowhere for them to live, so they had to stay with their parents or parents-in-law, and it was commonplace for three generations to live in one room.
My sister had not been given a job, as the fact that she had got married before she had a job in the city excluded her from employment. Now, thanks to a regulation which said that when a state employee died one of their offspring could take their place, my sister was given a post in the administration of the Chengdu College of Chinese Medicine.
姐姐没有工作，因为她是在回城前结婚的，按条款她不能就业。但另有规定是：国家职工死了，他们的一个儿女可以安排工作。就这样因父亲去世，姐姐在成都中医学院谋得了一份差事。
In July I set off on my journey with Jin-ming, who was studying in Wuhan, a big city on the Yangtze. Our first stop was the nearby mountain of Lushan, which had luxuriant vegetation and an excellent climate. Important Party conferences had been held there, including the one in 1959 at which Marshal Peng Dehuai was denounced, and the site was designated as a place of interest 'for people to receive a revolutionary education." When I suggested going there to have a look, Jin-ming said incredulously, "You don't want a break from "revolutionary education"?"
7月我和京明同下长江，他当时在长江边上大城市武汉读书。我们的第一站是庐山，山上到处郁郁葱葱，气候异常凉爽。好些重要的共产党会议就是在这里召开的，包括1959年彭德怀元帅被罢了官的庐山会议，那次会议旧址成了“革命传统教育圣地”。我建议去看看，京明白了我一眼说：“天天都有‘革命教育’课你还没有上够？到这里来也不想歇一歇？”
We took a lot of photographs on the mountain, and had finished a whole roll of thirty-six exposures except for one.
我们在山上照了许多相，一卷三十六张的底片只剩最后一张了。
On our way down, we passed a two-story villa, hidden in a thicket of Chinese parasol trees, magnolia, and pines. It looked almost like a random pile of stones against the background of the rocks. It struck me as an unusually lovely place, and I snapped my last shot. Suddenly a man materialized out of nowhere and asked me in a low but commanding voice to hand over my camera. He wore civilian clothes, but I noticed he had a pistol. He opened the camera and exposed my entire roll of film. Then he disappeared, as if into the earth. Some tourists standing next to me whispered that this was one of Mao's summer villas. I felt another pang of revulsion toward Mao, not so much for his privilege, but for the hypocrisy of allowing himself luxury while telling his people that even comfort was bad for them. After we were safely out of earshot of the invisible guard, and I was bemoaning the loss of my thirty-six pictures, Jin-ming gave me a grin: "See where goggling at holy places gets you!"
在下山途中，我们经过一座两层楼别墅，若隐若现地从一片梧桐、木兰、松针中露出来，看上去就像乱石砌成，与身后山岩混成一体。我觉得这里十分美，就照下了最后一张相。突然有一个人好像是从地下冒出来的，他低声但严厉地命令我把相机交给他。他身着便衣，但我注意到他有支手枪。他打开相机把我的整卷底片曝了光，然后才把相机还给我，随后就消失了，就像又钻回地下去了。一些站在我身边的游客悄悄地告诉我们说：这里是毛泽东的消夏别墅。(此处删去两行)。到了那个好像有隐身术的警卫听不到的地方，我开始惋惜三十六张相片白照了，京明咧嘴笑着说：“你总算领教了看圣地的厉害了。”
We left Lushan by bus. Like every bus in China, it was packed, and we had to crane our necks desperately trying to breathe. Virtually no new buses had been built since the beginning of the Cultural Revolution, during which time the urban population had increased by several tens of millions. After a few minutes, we suddenly stopped. The front door was forced open, and an authoritative-looking man in plainclothes squeezed in.
我们乘公共汽车离开庐山。像中国的每一辆公共汽车一样，这辆也爆满。我们只得像鹭鸶一样伸长脖子以维持呼吸。文革以来几乎没有新公共汽车出厂，而在此期间，城市人口增长了好几千万。车才开了几分钟，一个趔趄停了下来。前门吱吱挤开了，一个身着便衣，看上去颇带权威的人一只脚踮着站上来。他大声喊道：
"Get down!? Get down!" he barked.
"Some American guests are coming this way. It is harmful to the prestige of our motherland for them to see all these messy heads!" We tried to crouch down, but the bus was too crowded. The man shouted, "It is the duty of everyone to safeguard the honor of our motherland! We must present an orderly and dignified appearance!? Get down!? Bend your knees!"
“蹲下来！都蹲下来！前边有美国客人！这么多乱糟槽的头看起来太有失国体了！”我们只得想法弯腰低头，但人太多，办不到。那人还在喊：“每个人都有责任维护伟大祖国光辉形象，我们必须表现有秩序、有尊严！快点蹲下！把头都低下去！”
Suddenly I heard Jin-ming's booming voice: "Doesn't Chairman Mao instruct us never to bend our knees to American imperialists?" This was asking for trouble.
冷不防地我听见京明大声说：“毛主席不是教导我们绝不要向美资本主义低头吗？”我吃了一惊，这样的话是自找麻烦，幽默在当时很危脸。
Humor was not appreciated. The man shot a stern glance in our direction, but said nothing. He gave the bus another quick scan, and hurried off. He did not want the "American guests' to witness a scene. Any sign of discord had to be hidden from foreigners.
不过那人只是朝我们这个方面瞪了一眼，什么也没说。他又大略扫视了一遍整个车厢，就匆匆下车了。他显然不想让“美国客人”看见大吵大闹。任何中国人不一致的现象都不能让外国人看见。
Wherever we went as we traveled down the Yangtze we saw the aftermath of the Cultural Revolution: temples smashed, statues toppled, and old towns wrecked. Little evidence remained of China's ancient civilization. But the loss went even deeper than this. Not only had China destroyed most of its beautiful things, it had lost its appreciation of them, and was unable to make new ones. Except for the much-scarred but still stunning landscape, China had become an ugly country.
我们沿长江而下，处处是文革浩劫的痕迹：庙宇被毁、雕像被砸、古老的城镇受破坏，中国古老文明的印记几乎丧失殆尽，但是损失还不只限于此。中国人不仅仅毁坏了自己大多数美好的东西，还失却了对美好东西的鉴赏和珍惜，并且造不出新的来。除了伤痕累累，但仍然令人叹为观止的风景外，可爱的中国变成了一个丑陋的国家。
At the end of the vacation, I took a steamer alone from Wuhan back up through the Yangtze Gorges. The journey took three days. One morning, as I was leaning over the side, a gust of wind blew my hair loose and my hairpin fell into the river. A passenger with whom I had been chatting pointed to a tributary which joined the Yangtze just where we were passing, and told me a story.
暑假快结束时，我乘船从武汉长江逆流而上过三峡回四川，旅程是三天时间。一天早上，我正靠着船舷跟一个乘客聊天，江风吹来，吹散了我的头发，把发梳吹落到江里，那乘客目瞪口呆，指着我们刚经过的一条支流入江口对我说起一段故事。
In 33 BC, the emperor of China, in an attempt to appease the country's powerful northern neighbors, the Huns, decided to send a woman to marry the barbarian king. He made his selection from the portraits of the 3,000 concubines in his court, many of whom he had never seen. As she was for a barbarian, he selected the ugliest portrait, but on the day of her departure he discovered that the woman was in fact extremely beautiful. Her portrait was ugly because she had refused to bribe the court painter.
公元前33年，汉元帝想和强大的北方邻邦匈奴讲和，决定把一名宫女嫁给匈奴的可汗。他从宫中三千名嫔妃的画像中挑选，这些人中好些他连见也没见过。因为是“下嫁番邦”，他选举了画像上最丑的王昭君。启程那天，皇帝才发现她非常美。她被画得难看是因为她拒绝向画师行贿。
The emperor ordered the artist to be executed, while the lady wept, sitting by a river, at having to leave her country to live among the barbarians. The wind carried away her hairpin and dropped it into the river as though it wanted to keep something of hers in her homeland. Later on, she killed herself.
皇帝下令砍了画师的头，可惜王昭君还是非走不可。她坐在江畔边梳头边流泪，伤心自己要远离祖国到野蛮番邦去生活。一阵风把她的梳子卷到江里，就像是想要她的一件东西留在祖国，后来她自杀了。
Legend had it that where her hairpin dropped, the river turned crystal clear, and became known as the Crystal River. My fellow passenger told me this was the tributary we were passing. With a grin, he declared:
传说中说她的梳子落水之处，江水变得像水晶一样清澈，得名“清江”。我的旅伴咧嘴笑着说：
"Ah, bad omen! You might end up living in a foreign land and marrying a barbarian!"?
“哎呀！坏运气！看来你最终要在外国生活，嫁给一个野蛮人了。”
I smiled faintly at the traditional Chinese obsession about other races being 'barbarians," and wondered whether this lady of antiquity might not actually have been better off marrying the 'barbarian' king. She would at least be in daily contact with the grassland, the horses, and nature. With the Chinese emperor, she was living in a luxurious prison, without even a proper tree, which might enable the concubines to climb a wall and escape. I thought how we were like the frogs at the bottom of the well in the Chinese legend, who claimed that the sky was only as big as the round opening at the top of their well. I felt an intense and urgent desire to see the world.
我笑了笑，从话里看到中国人一向把其他民族视作野蛮人的传统。我想，那位古代美人王昭君如果嫁给了番王，会不会反而幸福呢？她至少天天与草原、骏马、大自然做伴。而和中国皇帝在一起，她的天地只是豪华的牢房，连棵树也没有，因为树可能使姬妾爬墙逃走。我想我们是多么像中国传说中的井底之蛙，说天只有井口那么大。我觉得有股强烈、紧迫的欲望想去看外面世界。
At the time I had never spoken with a foreigner, even though I was twenty-three, and had been an English language student for nearly two years. The only foreigners I had ever even set eyes on had been in Peking in 1972.
那时，我虽然已经二十三岁了，学了近两年的英语。但从来没有和一个外国人说过话。我只在1972年在北京看见过外国人。
A foreigner, one of the few 'friends of China," had come to my university once. It was a hot summer day and I was having a nap when a fellow student burst into our room and woke us all by shrieking: "A foreigner is here!? Let's go and look at the foreigner!" Some of the others went, but I decided to stay and continue my snooze. I found the whole idea of gazing, zombie like rather ridiculous. Anyway, what was the point of staring if we were forbidden to open our mouths to him, even though he was a 'friend of China'?
有个外国人曾来过我们学校，他是少数几个“中国的朋友”之一。那是个炎热的夏天，我正在睡午觉，一个同学兴冲冲地跑来。把我们都叫醒，大声说：“外国人来了！外国人来了！快去看外国人！”一些人跟去了，但我决定继续睡午觉。我觉得傻乎乎的围着外国人看实在太可笑。另外，我们又禁止和他谈话，即使是“中国的朋友”也不行，看一阵有什么用呢？
I had never even heard a foreigner speaking, except on one single Linguaphone record. When I started learning the language, I had borrowed the record and a phonograph, and listened to it at home in Meteorite Street. Some neighbors gathered in the courtyard, and said with their eyes wide open and their heads shaking, "What funny sounds!"
我从来没有听过任何外国人讲话，只听过一卷灵格风语言学习录音带。当我开始学英语时，我借来录音带和录音机，在支机石街家里听。一些邻居聚集在楼下，睁大眼睛摇着头说：“这声音真好玩！”他们要我一遍又一遍地放给大家听。
They asked me to play the record over and over again.
Speaking to a foreigner was the dream of every student, and my opportunity came at last. When I got back from my trip down the Yangtze, I learned that my year was being sent in October to a port in the south called Zhanjiang to practice our English with foreign sailors. I was thrilled.
和外国人交谈是每个学外文的学生的梦想，我的机会终于来了。游长江返校后，我听说我们这一年级的学生在10月份要被送到南部港口城市湛江去和外国海员练习英语。我兴奋极了！
Zhanjiang was about 75 miles from Chengdu, a journey of two days and two nights by rail. It was the southernmost large port in China, and quite near the Vietnamese border.
湛江离成都大约有七百五十哩，乘火车要两天两夜。它是中国最南端的港口。离越南边界很近。
It felt like a foreign country, with turn-of-the-century colonial-style buildings, pastiche Romanesque arches, rose windows, and large verandas with colorful parasols. The local people spoke Cantonese, which was almost a foreign language. The air smelled of the unfamiliar sea, exotic tropical vegetation, and an altogether bigger world.
到了这儿，就像是到了外国，有本世纪初的殖民风格建筑物，模仿罗马风格的拱廊，好似教堂窗户的彩色圆窗，以及支着五颜六色阳伞的大阳台。当地人说广东话，俨然是一种外语。空气中有股不熟悉的大海气息，异国情调的热带植物香味和一个新世界的感觉。
But my excitement at being there was constantly doused by frustration. We were accompanied by a political supervisor and three lecturers, who decided that, although we were staying only a mile from the sea, we were not to be allowed anywhere near it. The harbor itself was closed to outsiders, for fear of 'sabotage' or defection. We were told that a student from Guangzhou had managed to stow away once in a cargo steamer, not realizing that the hold would be sealed for weeks, by which time he had perished. We had to restrict our movements to a clearly defined area of a few blocks around our residence.
但是我在这个世界里的激动心情总是被现实所压抑。我们由一名政治工作干部、三名讲师带队。他们宣布纪律：我们不得到海边去，虽然住处离海边只有一哩。港口是“闲人勿进”，怕有人破坏或从那儿“叛逃”。他们还讲了个故事，说有个广州学生不知怎么地钻进了一艘货船，藏在货仓里，他不知道货仓要封几个星期，当到岸打开货仓时，他已经人死尸烂了。我们除了住处那几条街外，哪儿也不准去。
Regulations like these were part of our daily life, but they never failed to infuriate me. One day I was seized by an absolute compulsion to get out. I faked illness and got permission to go to a hospital in the middle of the city. I wandered the streets desperately trying to spot the sea, without success. The local people were unhelpful: they did not like non-Cantonese speakers, and refused to understand me. We stayed in the port for three weeks, and only once were we allowed, as a special treat, to go to an island to see the ocean.
这样的规定是我们日常生活的一部分，但是每次宣布都免不了使我愤怒一阵。一天，我被一股强烈的冲动所支配，一心非出去看看不可。我于是装病，得到允许后到城里医院就诊。我在街上徘徊，一心想去看大海，但没有成功。当地人不愿帮忙，他们不喜欢不会说广东话的人，故意装着听不懂我说的话。我们在这个港市呆了三个星期，只一次准许我们到一个岛上看海洋。
As the point of being there was to talk to the sailors, we were organized into small groups to take turns working in the two places they were allowed to frequent: the Friendship Store, which sold goods for hard currency, and the Sailors' Club, which had a bar, a restaurant, a billiards room, and a ping-pong room.
到这里来的目的是找海员练英语。我们分成几个小组，轮班在两个外国海员出没的地方遭遇他们：用硬通货购买商品的友谊商店和海员俱乐部，里面有酒吧、餐厅、撞球室和乒乓室。
There were strict rules about how we could talk to the sailors. We were not allowed to speak to them alone, except for brief exchanges over the counter of the Friendship Store. If we were asked our names and addresses, under no circumstances were we to give our real ones. We all prepared a false name and a nonexistent address. After every conversation, we had to write a detailed report of what had been said which was standard practice for anyone who had contact with foreigners. We were warned over and over again about the importance of observing 'discipline in foreign contacts' (she waifi-lu). Otherwise, we were told, not only would we get into serious trouble, other students would be banned from coming.
和海员说话的内容有严格规定。除了在友谊商店柜台边的几句问答外，我们不得单独和他们交谈。如果他们询问我们的姓名地址，无论如何，我们都不得给真的。他们都准备了假名字和根本不存在的住址。每次交谈后，我们得作详细的报告，写上我们都说了些什么。这是与外国人接触的标准规矩。我们一次又一次被告诫要服从这些“涉外纪律”，否则，不光自己倒楣，还要影响其他人——别的学生也不准再来了。
Actually, our opportunities for practising English were few and far between. The ships did not come every day, and not all sailors came on shore. Most of the sailors were not native English speakers: there were Greeks, Japanese, Yugoslavs, Africans, and many Filipinos, most of whom spoke only a little English, although there was also a Scottish captain and his wife, as well as some Scandinavians whose English was excellent.
练习英语的机会其实是零零碎碎的。轮船不是天天有，也不是所有的海员都要上岸，绝大多数海员的母语并非英语，他们是希腊人、日本人、南斯拉夫人、非洲人，菲律宾人最多，他们也只会寥寥几句英语。偶尔也有幸运的时候，如曾来过一位苏格兰船长和他的妻子，以及一些会说一口漂亮英语的北欧人。
While we waited in the club for our precious sailors, I often sat on the veranda at the back, reading and gazing at the groves of coconut and palm trees, silhouetted against a sapphire-blue sky. The moment the sailors sauntered in, we would leap up and virtually grab them, while trying to appear as dignified as possible, so eager were we to engage them in conversation. I often saw a pn7~led look in their eyes when we declined their offers of a drink. We were forbidden to accept drinks from them. In fact, we were not allowed to drink at all: the fancy foreign bottles and cans The Death of,~y leather 647 on display were exclusively for the foreigners. We just sat there, four or five infimidatingly serious-looking young men and women. I had no idea how odd it must have seemed to the sailors and how far from their expectations of port life.
当我们在俱乐部里等待宝贝的海员时，我爱坐在后院的阳台上看书、凝视那一丛椰子树和棕榈树在深蓝色天空上的剪影。一有海员闲逛着走过来。我们便跳起身来迎上去，就像是赶过去抢他们似的，一面尽可能保持尊严，一面如饥似渴地要跟他们说话。当我们拒绝他们请喝饮料的邀请时，我常常看见他们的眼神里透着一分不解。我们不能接受他人请喝的饮料，因为这是命令，更有甚者，我们完全不能喝饮料。柜台橱窗里的五颜六色的瓶瓶罐罐只供外国人消费，我们只是干坐着，四五个脸色严肃得令人望而生畏的年轻男女。我完全没想到这对外国海员来说该多么奇怪，这光景和他们对港口生活的期待差了十万八千里。
When the first black sailors arrived, our teachers gently warned the women students to watch out: "They are less developed and haven't learned to control their instincts, so they are given to displaying their feelings whenever they like: touching, embracing, even kissing." To a roomful of shocked and disgusted faces, our teachers told us that one woman in the last group had burst out screaming in the middle of a conversation when a Gambian sailor had tried to hug her. She thought she was going to be raped (in the middle of a crowd, a Chinese crowd!), and was so scared that she could not bring herself to talk to another foreigner for the rest of her stay.
当第一批黑人水手露面时，我们的教师委婉地告诫女学生要小心。他们说：“这些人开化程度低，还没有学会怎么控制自己的本能。所以他们随时随地都要表现自己的感情，如抚摸、搂抱、甚至亲吻。”教师面对着一屋子露出震惊和厌恶的面孔，告诉我们这样一个故事：上次来的一个女学生在一次对话中突然尖叫起来，原来有个冈比亚海员想搂抱她，她以为自己要被人强奸了(在一群人、一群中国人中)。她恐惧的心理是如此强烈，以后随便怎么劝她也不敢跟外国人说话了。
The male students, particularly the student officials, assumed responsibility for safeguarding us women. Whenever a black sailor started talking to one of us, they would eye each other and hurry to our rescue by taking over the conversation and positioning themselves between us and the sailors. Their precautions may not have been noticed by the black sailors, especially as the students would immediately start talking about 'the friendship between China and the peoples of Asia, Africa, and Latin America."
男同学，特别是男学生干部，被赋予保护女生的任务。黑人水手每和一个女生说话，他们就互使眼色，赶忙过来“救”我们，接过话题，或简直就插身站在找们与黑人水手之间。那些黑人可能并没有察觉到这些预防措施，特别是男生们总会立即大谈“中国和亚、非、拉人民的友谊”、“中国是发展中国家”，他们会背诵从书本上搬来的话：“中国将永远和被压迫、受剥削的第三世界人民站在一起，支持他们反对美资本主义和苏联现代修正主义的斗争！”黑人看上去有点如陷五里雾中，有时也很感动，于是拥抱中国男人，男生们也回赠以同志似的搂抱。
"China is a developing country," they would intone, reciting from our textbook, 'and will stand forever by the side of the oppressed and exploited masses in the third world in their struggle against the American imperialists and the Soviet revisionists." The blacks would look baffled but touched. Sometimes they embraced the Chinese men, who returned comradely hugs.
Much was being made by the regime about China being one of the developing countries, part of the third world, according to Mao's 'glorious theory." But Mao made it sound as if this was not the acknowledgment of a fact, but that China was magnanimously lowering itself to their level. The way he said it left no doubt that we had joined the ranks of the third world in order to lead it and protect it, and the world regarded our rightful place to be somewhat grander.
当时毛泽东的理论是中国是个发展中国家，第三世界的一员。但是说起来好像不是在简单地陈述事实。而是在表示谦虚，以一种优越感的姿态把自己降低到第三世界去，好像我们列入第三世界是为了领导它，保护它，别人都明白我们其实是远居第三世界之上的世界大国。
I was extremely irritated by this self-styled superiority.
What had we got to be superior about? Our population?
实际上，我们优越在哪里？我们人多？
Our size? In Zhanjiang, I saw that the third world sailors, with their flashy watches, cameras, and drinks none of which we had ever seen before were immeasurably better off, and incomparably freer, than all but a very few Chinese.
我们地大？在湛江，我看见那些第三世界的水手戴着华丽的手表，拿着新颖的相机，喝着奇特的饮料——这些东西没有一样我们见过。他们的生活显然与绝大多数中国人有天壤之别。(此处删去两行)。
I was terribly curious about foreigners, and was eager to discover what they were really like. How similar to the Chinese were they, and how different? But I had to try to conceal my inquisitiveness which, apart from being politically dangerous, would be regarded as losing face. Under Mao, as in the days of the Middle Kingdom, the Chinese placed great importance on holding themselves with 'dignity' in front of foreigners, by which was meant appearing aloof, or inscrutable. A common form this took was to show no interest in the outside world, and many of my fellow students never asked any questions.
我对外国人非常好奇，渴望知道他们究竟是什么样的人，他们和中国人有哪些地方相似，哪些地方不同？但是我得隐藏我的好奇心，那时对外国人显示好奇除了有政治的危险外，还算丢脸。在毛泽东领导下，(此处删去两行)。中国人把在外国人面前显得“尊严”放在极为重要的位置上。所谓“尊严”其实是做出来的傲慢，莫测高深。一种普遍的做法是表现得对外部世界没有兴趣，我的许多同学根本就不向外国人提问题。
Perhaps partly due to my uncontrollable curiosity, and partly due to my better English, the sailors all seemed keen to talk to me in spite of the fact that I took care to speak as little as possible so that my fellow students had more chance to practice. Some sailors would even refuse to talk to the other students. I was also very popular with the director of the Sailors' Club, an enormous, burly man called Long. This aroused the ire of Ming and some of the minders. Our political meetings now included an examination of how we were observing 'the disciplines in foreign contact." It was stated that I had violated these because my eyes looked 'too interested," I 'smiled too often," and when I did so I opened my mouth 'too wide." I was also criticized for using hand gestures: we women students were supposed to keep our hands under the table and sit motionless.
可能部分原因是我无法抑制好奇心，部分是我的英语较好，海员们似乎都乐意跟我说话。我小心谨慎，尽可能少说，让别的同学有练习的机会，但是有些海员却拒绝和别的学生交谈。我和海员俱乐部主任的关系也很好。他姓龙，个头大极了。我的引人注目引起了明先生和别的头头的不满。在政治会上，有人指责我违反了“涉外纪律”，说我看上去“太感兴趣”、“笑得太多”、“嘴张得太大”，还用手势——我们女学生得把手放在桌子下面，坐得纹丝不动。
Much of Chinese society still expected its women to hold themselves in a sedate manner, lower their eyelids in response to men's stares, and restrict their smile to a faint curve of the lips which did not expose their teeth. They were not meant to use hand gestures at all. If they contravened any of these canons of behavior they would be considered 'flirtatious." Under Mao, flirting with foreigners was an unspeakable crime.
中国社会很多人仍然要女人保持“端庄矜持”的举止，面对男人的注目要垂目做害羞状，笑不露齿，当然更不能用手势。违反这些行为规范就是“轻浮”。在当时，对外国人“轻浮”简直不可饶恕。
I was furious at the innuendo against me. It had been my Communist parents who had given me a liberal upbringing.
这些针对我的批评使我怒不可遏。正是我的共产党父母给了我自由开明的教育，他们把对女人的清规戒律看作是共产党革命要革除的东西。但是现在对女人的传统束缚和政治上的压制却结合起来了，二者都用来发泄指责者的无聊小气的不满和忌妒。
They had regarded the restrictions on women as precisely the sort of thing a Communist revolution should put an end to. But now oppression of women joined hands with political repression, and served resentment and petty jealousy.
One day, a Pakistani ship arrived. The Pakistani military attache came down from Peking. Long ordered us all to spring-clean the club from top to bottom, and laid on a banquet, for which he asked me to be his interpreter, which made some of the other students extremely envious. A few days later the Pakistanis gave a farewell dinner on their ship, and I was invited. The military attache had been to Sichuan, and they had prepared a special Sichuan dish for me. Long was delighted by the invitation, as was I.
一天，来了一艘巴基斯坦船。巴基斯坦驻华武官从北京来迎接，龙先生命令我们全体学生把俱乐部来个彻底清扫，他举行宴会招待客人，让我当他的翻译，这使一些不能赴宴的同学非常忌妒。几天后，巴基斯坦人在他们的船上回请我们，我也受到邀请，那位武官曾到过四川，他们还专门为我做了一道川菜。龙先生很高兴他们请了我，当然我也很兴奋。
But despite a personal appeal from the captain and even a threat from Long to bar future students, my teachers said that no one was allowed on board a foreign ship.
但是，老师们不准我去，尽管巴基斯坦船长本人专门来请，龙先生又威胁以后不再接待川大学生了，他们仍然说谁都不准登上外国轮船：
"Who would take the responsibility if someone sailed away on the ship?" they asked. I was told to say I was busy that evening.
“谁负得起这个责任，跟船跑了怎么办？”他们要我去撒个谎，说我那天晚上另有安排。
As far as I knew, I was turning down the only chance I would ever have of a trip out to sea, a foreign meal, a proper conversation in English, and an experience of the outside world.
我无奈地去了，伤心地想我这是拒绝了唯一一趟出海的旅程，唯一一顿外国餐，唯一能尽兴说英语的场合和唯一次置身一个新奇世界的机会。
Even so, I could not silence the whispers. Ming asked pointedly, "Why do foreigners like her so much?" as though there was something suspicious in that. The report filed on me at the end of the trip said my behavior was 'politically dubious."
就是不去，我也招来非议。明先生尖酸的问：“为什么外国人这么喜欢她呢？”好像这里头有鬼。湛江之行结束时，有关我的报告里说我：“表现有问题。”
In this lovely port, with its sunshine, sea breezes, and coconut trees, every occasion that should have been joyous was turned into misery. I had a good friend in the group who tried to cheer me up by putting my distress into perspective. Of course, what I encountered was no more than minor unpleasantness compared with what victims of jealousy suffered in the earlier years of the Cultural Revolution. But the thought that this was what my life at its best would be like depressed me even more.
在那个可爱的港口城市里、在阳光下、海风中、椰子树旁，每个愉快的时刻都变成了悒郁。我同学中有位好朋友，他尽量想使我高兴，要我想开点，比起那些文革初期因忌妒而挨整的人所受的罪，我所遭遇的不过是小小的不愉快而已。但一想到我的生活最好也就是这个样子，就更加沮丧。
This friend was the son of a colleague of my father's.
The other students from cities were also friendly to me. It was easy to distinguish them from the students of peasant backgrounds, who provided most of the student officials.
这个朋友是我父亲同事的儿子。其他城市长大的学生对我也很友好，他们和农民背景的学生很容易区分开。
The city students were much more secure and confident when confronted with the novel world of the port and they therefore did not feel the same anxiety and the urge to be aggressive toward me. Zhanjiang was a severe culture shock to the former peasants, and their feelings of inferiority were at the core of their compulsion to make life a misery for others.
他们面临一个新奇的世界比较自信，不像有些农民出身的学生干部那样充满焦虑，也就没有要压人的心理。湛江对那些从前的农民，现在野心勃勃的人是强烈的文化冲击，不安全感往往促使他们想让别人也不愉快。
After three weeks, I was both sorry and relieved to say goodbye to Zhanjiang. On the way back to Chengdu, some friends and I went to the legendary Guilin, where the mountains and waters looked as though they had sprung from a classical Chinese painting. There were foreign tourists there, and we saw one couple with a baby in the man's arms. We smiled at each other, and said "Good morning' and "Goodbye." As soon as they disappeared, a plainclothes policeman stopped us and questioned us.
三个星期后，我怀着既遗憾又如释重负的心情告别了湛江。在回成都的路上，我和一些朋友去了广西省的桂林，那里山水如画，有“甲天下”的美称。外国游客准许来这里，一天，我们看见一对外国夫妇，男的手里抱着一个婴儿。我们互相微笑，用英文说了句“您好！”、“再见！”。当他们消失后，一个便衣警察把我们拦住盘问。
I returned to Chengdu in December, to find the city seething with emotion against Mme Mao and three men from Shanghai, Zhang Chunqiao, Yao Wenyuan, and Wang Hongwen, who had banded together to hold the fort of the Cultural Revolution. They had become so close that Mao had warned them against forming a "Gang of Four' in July 1974, although we did not know this at the time.
12月，我回到成都，发现那里人们情绪激动，都在反江青及上海的三个人，张春桥、姚文元、王洪文。这四个人结成一帮，是此时文革的支柱。毛泽东也曾在1974年7月警告他们不要搞“四人帮”，当然当时我们并不知道毛泽东的这番话。
By now the eighty-one-year-old Mao had begun to give them his full backing, having had enough of the pragmatic approach of Zhou Enlai and then of Deng Xiaoping, who had been running the day-to-day work of the government since January 1975, when Zhou had gone into a hospital with cancer. The Gang's endless and pointless mini-campaigns had driven the population to the end of their tether, and people had started circulating rumors privately, as almost the only outlet for their intense frustration.
八十一岁的毛泽东逐渐对周恩来、邓小平的务实做法感到无法忍受，“四人帮”变得更加得势。1975年1月，周恩来因癌症住了医院，邓小平继之主政。“四人帮”呢，没完没了地搞了一个又一个胡闹的运动，全国人民的忍耐限度已到了极限，各种传言四起，全是骂“四人帮”的，人们只有用这些传言才能表达他们的激愤。
Highly charged speculation was particularly directed against Mme Mao. Since she was frequently seen together with one particular opera actor, one ping-pong player, and one ballet dancer, each of whom had been promoted by her to head their fields, and since they all happened to be handsome young men, people said she had taken them as 'male concubines," something she had openly and airily said women should do. But everyone knew this did not apply to the general public. In fact, it was under Mme Mao in the Cultural Revolution that the Chinese suffered extreme sexual repression. With her controlling the media and the arts for nearly ten years, any reference to love was deleted from the hearing and sight of the population. When a Vietnamese army song-and-dance troupe came to China, those few who were lucky enough to see it were told by the announcer that a song which mentioned love 'is about the comradely affection between two comrades." In the few European films which were allowed mainly from Albania and Romania all scenes of men and women standing close to each other, let alone kissing, were cut out.
恨毛夫人江青的传闻最多。从宣传媒体里，(此处删去两行)，老百姓看见她和两个面目姣好、体格魁伟的青年男子过从甚密，老百姓就私下议论说他们是江青的“面首”，“面首”就是除了丈夫外，可以有男妾，男的小老婆。自然人人都清楚，这些话不适用于除她以外的女人。事实上，正是在毛夫人的控制下，在文革中中国人遭受了极端的性压抑。毛夫人控制了新闻煤体、文化娱乐十年，任何与爱情有关的情节都从老百姓的视听中删除了。越南军队歌舞团来中国演出时，有幸观看他们表演的人听解说词说歌中所唱的爱情是“同志似的友爱”。寥寥几部主要从阿尔巴尼亚、罗马尼亚进口的欧洲电影里，所有男女靠近一点儿的场面都被剪掉了，更不用说搂抱亲吻。
Frequently in crowded buses, trains, and shops I would hear women yelling abuse at men and slapping their faces. Sometimes the man would shout a denial and an exchange of insults would ensue. I experienced many attempted molestations. When it happened, I would just sneak away from the trembling hands or knees. I felt sorry for these men. They lived in a world where there could be no outlet for their sexuality unless they were lucky enough to have a happy marriage, the chances of which were slim. The deputy Party secretary of my university, an elderly man, was caught in a department store with sperm oozing through his trousers. The crowds had pressed him against a woman in front of him. He was taken to the police station, and subsequently expelled from the Party. Women had just as tough a time. In every organization, one or two of them would be condemned as 'worn-out shoes' for having had extramarital affairs.
在拥挤的公共汽车、火车和商店里，我经常听见有女人骂男人，打男人耳光，男人呢，以脏话回敬，两人开始对吵。我本人也曾多次遇到男子动手动脚，碰上这样的事时，我总是躲开这些因激动而打颤的手和膝盖。我替这些男人难过，他们生活的世界使他们的性欲没有发泄之处，除非他们幸运有门美满的婚姻，但这种机会很少。我认识的一位上了年纪的领导干部，一天在一家商店里被抓住了，因为裤子上渗出了精液。当时人群把他挤得贴在一个妇女身上，他被扭送到公安局，后来被开除出党。在那年代女人也同样倒楣，每一个单位里总有一、两个人因婚外韵事被骂成“破鞋”而挨斗。
These standards were not applied to the rulers. The octogenarian Mao surrounded himself with pretty young women. Although the stories about him were whispered and cautious, those about his wife and her cronies, the Gang of Four, were open and uninhibited. By the end of 1975, China was boiling with incensed rumors. In the mini-campaign called "Our Socialist Motherland Is Paradise," many openly hinted at the question which I had asked myself for the first time eight years before: "If this is paradise, what then is hell?"
不过清规戒律对上层人物并不适用。(此处删去两行)。1975年底，人们愤怒地议论就像一锅沸腾的开水。有一阵，大家都得受“社会主义是天堂”的教育，有许多人就公开暗示我八年前曾问过自己的问题：“如果这是天堂，地狱又是什么样子呢？”
On 8 January 1976, Premier Zhou Enlai died. To me and many other Chinese, Zhou had represented a comparatively sane and liberal government that believed in making the country work. In the dark years of the Cultural Revolution, Zhou was our meager hope. I was Grief stricken at his death, as were all my friends. Our mourning for him and our loathing of the Cultural Revolution and of Mao and his coterie became inseparably interwoven.
1976年1月8日，周恩来总理去世了。对于我和千千万万中国人来说，周恩来代表了一种较讲道理、开明、致力于国家建设的政府。在文革那些黑暗的年代里，周恩来是我们的一线希望。我和朋友们都十分悲痛他去世。对他的悼念和对文革的厌恶是交织在一起的。
But Zhou had collaborated with Mao in the Cultural Revolution. It was he who delivered the denunciation of Liu Shaoqi as an "American spy." He met almost daily with the Red Guards and the Rebels and issued orders to them.
但是周恩来在文革中与毛泽东合作，是他宣读说刘少奇是“叛徒、内奸、工贼。”他几乎每天都在接见红卫兵和造反派，对他们发号施令。
When a majority of the Politburo and the country's marsh Ms tried to put a halt to the Cultural Revolution in February 1967 Zhou did not give them his support. He was Mao's faithful servant. But perhaps he had acted as he did in order to prevent an even more horrendous disaster, like a civil war, which an open challenge to Mao could have brought on. By keeping China running, he made it possible for Mao to wreak havoc on it, but probably also saved the country from total collapse. He protected a number of people as far as he judged safe, including, for a time, my father, as well as some of China's most important cultural monuments.
当政治局和老帅们于1967年2月想阻止文革时，周恩来没有支持他们。他是毛泽东的忠实仆人，但他也可能是在尽量防止更大、更可怕的灾难，比如公开对毛泽东挑战后肯定会产生的大规模内战。他维持了中国正常运转，这使毛泽东的文革得以进行，但也使国家避免了完全崩溃。只要办得到，他保护了许多人，包括写条子救我父亲。他还保护了中国最重要的文化遗址。
It seemed that he had been caught up in an insoluble moral dilemma, although this does not exclude the possibility that survival was his priority. He must have known that if he had tried to stand up to Mao, he would have been crushed.
他是处于一种进退两难的境地。当然也有这种可能：生存是他的第一考虑。他一定很清楚，一旦站起来反对毛泽东，他自己马上就会完蛋。
The campus became a spectacular sea of white paper wreaths and mourning posters and couplets. Everyone wore a black arm band a white paper flower on their chest, and a sorrowful expression. The mourning was partly spontaneous and partly organized. Because it was generally known that at the time of his death Zhou had been under attack from the Gang of Four, and because the Gang had ordered the mourning for him to be played down, showing grief at his death was a way for both the general public and the local authorities to show their disapproval of the Gang.
校园变成了白花圈、悼念大字报和对联的奇特海洋。每个人都臂戴黑纱，胸前别白花，看上去很哀伤。追悼会半自发、半组织。因为人人都知道在周恩来去世时，“四人帮”还在猛烈攻击他，而且下令不准开追悼会，所以对他的哀悼无论对老百姓还是对当官的来说，都表达了他们对“四人帮”的反抗。
But there were many who mourned Zhou for very different reasons. Ming and other student officials from my course extolled Zhou's alleged contribution to 'suppressing the counter revolutionary Hungarian uprising in 1956," his hand in establishing Mao's prestige as a world leader, and his absolute loyalty to Mao.
但也有许多人悼念周恩来是出于别的原因，我们班上的明先生和有的学生干部就盛赞周恩来所谓的对“粉碎1956年匈牙利反革命暴乱”的贡献，感谢他树立了毛泽东在全世界的领袖地位，歌颂他对毛泽东的绝对忠诚。
Outside the campus, there were more encouraging sparks of dissent. In the streets of Chengdu, graffiti appeared on the margins of the wall posters and large crowds gathered, craning their necks to read the tiny handwriting. One poster read,
一旦出了校园，离经叛道的火花就多了。在成都大街上，大字报、大标语上尽是小字评语，有许多人围着伸长了脖子看。一张大字报道：天地昏暗，巨星殒落……
The sky is now dark, A great star is fallen... Scribbled in the margin were the words: "How could the sky be dark: what about "the red, red sun"?" (meaning Mao). Another graffito appeared on a wall slogan reading "Deep-fry the persecutors of Premier Zhou!" It said: "Your monthly ration of cooking oil is only two liang [3.2 ounces]. What would you use to fry these persecutors with?" For the first time in ten years, I saw irony and humor publicly displayed, which sent my spirits soaring.
空白处还批了一行字：“‘天地昏暗’，红太阳(毛泽东)到哪里去了？”另一幅大标语说：“油炸迫害周总理的刽子手！”边上的话是：“你每个月的菜油定量才二两，拿什么来炸这些刽子手？”十年来，第一次看见了这种公开讽刺和幽默，我的心为之一振。
Mao appointed an ineffectual nobody called Hua Guofeng to succeed Zhou, and launched a campaign to 'denounce Deng and hit back against a right-wing comeback." The Gang of Four published Deng Xiaoping's speeches as targets for denunciation. In one speech in 1975, Deng had admitted that peasants in Yan'an were worse off than when the Communists first arrived there after the Long March forty years before. In another, he had said that a Party boss should say to the professionals, "I follow, you lead." In yet another, he had outlined his plans for improving living standards, for allowing more freedom, and for ending political victimization. Comparing these documents to the Gang of Four's actions made Deng a folk hero and brought people's loathing of the Gang to the boiling point. I thought incredulously: they seem to hold the Chinese population in such contempt that they assume we will hate Deng rather than admire him after reading these speeches, and what is more, that we will love them!
毛泽东指定华国锋来继承周恩来，并发动了一场名叫“批邓反击右倾翻案风”的运动。“四人帮”把邓小平的言论汇编成册散发下来叫大家批判。在1975年的一次讲话里，邓小平承认延安地区农民的生活水平比四十年前红军长征到达时还要苦。另一次，他说共产党干部应该对专家们说：“你领导，我来当助手。”还有一次，他规划下一步工作，重心是提高居民生活水平，允许更多的自由，结束政治迫害。人们拿这些话与“四人帮”的行为对比，邓就成了他们心目中的英雄，对“四人帮”的愤恨上升到了极点。听到传达这些材料后，我觉得很不可思议：这些人怎么把中国人都当成傻瓜，他们真以为这些材料会使我们恨邓小平，而不赞美他吗？他们真以为我们会爱戴他们？
In the university, we were ordered to denounce Deng in endless mass meetings. But most people showed passive resistance, and wandered around the auditorium, or chatted, knitted, read, or even slept during the ritual theatrics.
大学里，大会不断召开要批判邓小平，但是大多数人都消极抵抗。台上在发言，台上做什么都有，游荡、大声交谈、织毛衣、看书、睡觉。
The speakers read their prepared scripts in flat, expressionless, almost inaudible voices.
发言人拿着事先准备好的稿子，以一种平淡、无感情、几乎谁也听不清楚的声音照本宣科。
Because Deng came from Sichuan, there were numerous rumors about him having been sent back to Chengdu for exile. I often saw crowds lining the streets because they had heard he was about to pass by. On some occasions the crowds numbered tens of thousands.
因为邓小平是四川人，四川省有许多他的传闻，时不时说他被放逐到成都来了。我经常看见一群群人围在街口，原来他们听说邓小平要从这里经过，在等着看他。有时围的人数多达万余。
At the same time, there was more and more public animosity toward the Gang of Four, also known as the Gang from Shanghai. Suddenly bicycles and other goods made in Shanghai stopped selling. When the Shanghai football team came to Chengdu they were booed all the way through the game. Crowds gathered outside the stadium and shouted abuse at them as they went in and came out.
同时，越来越多的民众公开表达对“四人帮”的愤恨。“四人帮”也叫“上海帮”，所以上海的自行车和其他商品突然都卖不出去了。当上海足球队来成都比赛时，全体观众都对他们起哄。人群还挤在体育场出口，在他们进出时高声辱骂他们，要他们滚回上海去。
Acts of protest broke out all over China, and reached their peak during the Tomb-Sweeping Festival in spring 1976, when the Chinese traditionally pay their respects to the dead. In Peking, hundreds of thousands of citizens gathered for days on end in Tiananmen Square to mourn Zhou with specially crafted weaths, passionate poetry readings, and speeches. In symbolism and language which, though coded, everyone understood, they poured out their hatred of the Gang of Four, and even of Mao. The protest was crushed on the night of 5 April, when the police attacked the crowds, arresting hundreds. Mao and the Gang of Four called this a "Hungarian-type counter revolutionary rebellion." Deng Xiaoping, who was being held incommunicado, was accused of stage-managing the demonstrations, and was labeled "China's Nagy' (Nagy was the Hungarian prime minister in 1956). Mao officially fired Deng, and intensified the campaign against him.
抗议活动在全国爆发了，并于1976年的清明节达到顶峰。在北京，数以万计的市民聚集在天安门广场好几天，以特制的花圈、充满感情的诗词、讲话来悼念周恩来，用彼此心照不宣的话来发泄他们对“四人帮”的恨。4月5日夜晚，抗议活动被镇压了，警察冲散了人群，捉走了好几百人。“四人帮”称这次清明节示威是“中国的匈牙利反革命暴乱”。已为阶下囚的邓小平被指责为幕后指挥，说他是“中国的纳吉”(1956年匈牙利总理)。毛泽东正式罢免了邓小平，并强化了批邓运动。
The demonstration may have been suppressed and ritually condemned in the media, but the fact that it had taken place at all changed the mood of China. This was the first large-scale open challenge to the regime since it was founded in 1949.
示威被镇压了，新闻媒体大肆谴责。但是它居然能发生这个事实改变了中国的气氛。这是自1949年以来第一次大规模对当权者的公开挑战。
In June 1976 my class was packed off for a month to a factory in the mountains to 'learn from the workers." When the month was up, I went with some friends to climb the lovely Mount Emei, "Beauty's Eyebrow," to the west of Chengdu. On our way down the mountain, on 28 July, we heard a loud transistor radio which a tourist was carrying.
1976年6月，我们班被打发到一家工厂去“学工”一个月之后，我和一些朋友一起去爬成都四面风景秀丽的峨嵋山。7月28日下山途中，我们听见一个旅游者背着的扩音机正在大声嚷嚷。
I had always felt intensely annoyed by some people's insatiable love for this propaganda machine. And in a scenic spot!? As though our cars had not suffered enough with all the blaring nonsense from the ever-present loudspeakers. But this time something caught my attention.
我平时对一些人嗜好带这种宣传机器已烦得要命，何况在此风景区！好像我们的耳朵还没有受够到处竖立的扩音器的骚扰。但是，这个广播吸引了我的注意：
There had been an earthquake at a coal-mining city near Peking called Tangshan. I realized it must be an unprecedented disaster, because the media normally did not report bad news. The official figure was 242,000 dead and 164,000 badly injured.
北京附近的煤矿城市唐山发生了强烈地震。我猜这一定是空前大灾难，因为新闻媒体一般都不报道坏消息。果然，官方的数据是二十四万二千人死亡，十六万四千人受重伤。
Although they filled the press with propaganda about their concern for the victims, the Gang of Four warned that the nation must not be diverted by the earthquake and forget the priority: to 'denounce Deng." Mme Mao said publicly, "There were merely several hundred thousand deaths. So what? Denouncing Deng Xiaoping concerns eight hundred million people." Even from Mine Mao, this sounded too outrageous to be true, but it was officially relayed to us.
虽然“四人帮”利用宣传工具夸耀他们如何关心灾区民众，他们却一再要全国人不要被地震分了心，忘记了“批判邓小平”这个首要任务。毛夫人公然说：“唐山不过就死了几十万人嘛！有什么了不起，批判邓小平才是关系八亿人民的大事。”这话就是出自暴戾的江青之口也好像太暴戾过分了，但这是正式向我们传达的。
There were numerous earthquake alerts in the Chengdu area, and when I returned from Mount Emei I went with my mother and Xiao-fang to Chongqing, which was considered safer. My sister, who remained in Chengdu, slept under a massive thick oak table covered in blankets and quilts. Officials organized people to erect makeshift shelters, and detailed teams to keep a round-the-clock watch on the behavior of various animals which were thought to possess earthquake-predicting powers. But followers of the Gang of Four put up wall slogans barking "Be alert to Deng Xiaoping's criminal attempt to exploit earthquake phobia to suppress revolution!" and held a rally to 'solemnly condemn the capitalist-roaders who use the fear of an earthquake to sabotage the denunciation of Deng." The rally was a flop.
在成都也有许多地震警报。从峨嵋山回来后，我就和母亲、小方去了听说较安全些的重庆。我姐姐留在成都，睡在一张橡木大桌子下面，上面覆盖着被子和毛毯。干部们组织老百姓到处搭起临时窝棚，动员人手一天二十四小时观察动物的表现，据说它们有预知地震的天赋。但“四人帮”的追随者却张贴大标语说：“警惕邓小平的罪恶用心用地震压革命！”还召开了一次群众大会“严厉声讨走资派利用地震破坏批邓”，参加大会的人多是来走走过场。
I returned to Chengdu at the beginning of September, by which time the earthquake scare was subsiding. On the afternoon of 9 September 1976 I was attending an English class. At about 2:40 we were told that there would be an important broadcast at three o'clock that we were all to assemble in the courtyard to listen. We had had to do such things before, and I walked outside in a state of irritation.
9月初，对地震的恐惧渐消失，我回到成都。1976年9月9日下午，我在上英语课。大约两点四十分，我们接获通知说三点钟有重要广播，要大家全部到系上院子里去听。我走出教室，心里一个劲儿气愤。
It was a typically cloudy autumn Chengdu day. I heard the rustling of bamboo leaves along the walls. Just before three, while the loudspeaker was making scratching noises as it tuned up, the Party secretary of our department took up a position in front of the assembly.
那是一个典型的成都霭霭秋日，我听见沿墙的一排竹子在飒飒作响。快到三点钟时，扩音器接通，发出一阵尖锐的噪音，我们系里的总支书记站到集合起来的人群面前。
She looked at us sadly, and in a low, halting voice, choked out the words: "Our Great Leader Chairman Mao, His Venerable Reverence [ta-lao-ren-jia] has..."
她悲痛地看着我们，用低沉、哽咽的声音吐出一句话来：“我们伟大的领袖毛主席，他老人家……”
Suddenly, I realized that Mao was dead.
我顿时明白了，毛泽东死了。