28 "Fighting to Take Wing"
二十八 “长上翅膀飞”
——(1976-1978)
——(1976—1978)
The news filled me with such euphoria that for an instant I was numb. My ingrained self-censorship immediately started working: I registered the fact that there was an orgy of weeping going on around me, and that I had to come up with some suitable performance. There seemed nowhere to hide my lack of correct emotion except the shoulder of the woman in front of me, one of the student officials, who was apparently heartbroken. I swiftly buried my head in her shoulder and heaved appropriately. As so often in China, a bit of ritual did the trick. Sniveling heartily she made a movement as though she was going to turn around and embrace me I pressed my whole weight on her from behind to keep her in her place, hoping to give the impression that I was in a state of abandoned grief.
这消息使我顿感轻松，一刹那间，我反而失去感觉。长期灌输的自我约束马上起作用，我注意到四周是一片哭声，我也得做出适当的表情来。我缺乏正确表情的面孔该往哪儿藏呢？似乎只有前面那位同学的肩膀。她是个学生干部，此刻显得心碎。我一下子把头埋在她的肩膀上，背也一抽一抽地，还发出恰当的呻吟声来，结果假装被当了真，那女学生干部一边大声抽泣，一边扭动身体好像要转过来抱住我哭似的。我把整个身体重重地压在她背上使她动弹不得。一边也希望她以为我是悲痛欲绝了。
In the days after Mao's death, I did a lot of thinking. I knew he was considered a philosopher, and I tried to think what his 'philosophy' really was. It seemed to me that its central principle was the need or the desire? for perpetual conflict. The core of his thinking seemed to be that human struggles were the motivating force of history and that in order to make history 'class enemies' had to be continuously created en masse. I wondered whether there were any other philosophers whose theories had led to the suffering and death of so many. I thought of the terror and misery to which the Chinese population had been subjected. For what?
在毛泽东死后的日子里我想了很多。我知道他被看成是个哲学家，我努力思考他的“哲学”实际上是些什么，想来想去，我悟出他的哲学的中心思想是对永恒斗争的需要和欲望。他的思想核心似乎是“与人奋斗，其乐无穷”，人斗人是历史前进的动力。为了创造历史，得不断大量制造“阶级敌人”。(此处删去一句)。我想到中国人所经历的恐怖和灾难，都是为什么呢？
But Mao's theory might just be the extension of his personality. He was, it seemed to me, really a restless fight promoter by nature, and good at it. He understood ugly human instincts such as envy and resentment, and knew how to mobilize them for his ends. He ruled by getting people to hate each other. In doing so, he got ordinary Chinese to carry out many of the tasks undertaken in other dictatorships by professional elites. Mao had managed to turn the people into the ultimate weapon of dictatorship.
That was why under him there was no real equivalent of the KGB in China. There was no need. In bringing out and nourishing the worst in people, Mao had created a moral wasteland and a land of hatred. But how much individual responsibility ordinary people should share, I could not decide.
(此处删去4行)。毛泽东经过文革后留下的是一个道德荒蛮、一片仇恨的土地。中国大量文化遗产被摧毁。但是，一般人对此应负什么责任呢？我难以肯定。(此处删去6行)。
The other hallmark of Maoism, it seemed to me, was the reign of ignorance. Because of his calculation that the cultured class were an easy target for a population that was largely illiterate, because of his own deep resentment of formal education and the educated, because of his megalomania, which led to his scorn for the great figures of Chinese culture, and because of his contempt for the areas of Chinese civilization that he did not understand, such as architecture, art, and music, Mao destroyed much of the country's cultural heritage. He left behind not only a brutalized nation, but also an ugly land with little of its past glory remaining or appreciated.
The Chinese seemed to be mourning Mao in a heartfelt fashion. But I wondered how many of their tears were genuine. People had practiced acting to such a degree that they confused it with their true feelings. Weeping for Mao was perhaps just another programmed act in their programmed lives.
中国人似乎在衷心地哀悼毛泽东，但是我怀疑有多少眼泪是真的。人们不得不时刻做样子，他们有时自己也无法分辨出什么是虚情假意，什么是真心实意。(此处删去一句)。
Yet the mood of the nation was unmistakably against continuing Mao's policies. Less than a month after his death, on 6 October, Mme Mao was arrested, along with the other members of the Gang of Four. They had no support from anyone not the army, not the police, not even their own guards. They had had only Mao. The Gang of Four had held power only because it was really a Gang of Five.
然而毫无疑问的，人民的情绪反对继续毛泽东文革的政策。在他死后不到一个月时间，10月6日，毛夫人和其他“四人帮”成员就被捕了。谁也不支持他们——军队不支持、警察不支持，甚至他们自己的警卫也不保护他们。他们能挨到现在靠的只是毛泽东。
When I heard about the ease with which the Four had been removed, I felt a wave of sadness. How could such a small group of second-rate tyrants ravage 900 million people for so long? But my main feeling was joy. The last tyrants of the Cultural Revolution were finally gone. My rapture was widely shared. Like many of my countrymen, I went out to buy the best liquors for a celebration with my family and friends, only to find the shops out of stock there was so much spontaneous rejoicing.
听到那四个人被逮捕得那么轻而易举，我感到一阵悲哀。就这么几个二流的跳梁小丑居然压迫了九亿中国人整整十年！当然我主要的感觉是欣喜若狂。文革最后的暴君终于垮台了！许多中国人都和我有同感，当我上街买酒准备和家人、朋友举杯庆贺时，竟发现店里的酒都已卖光了——到处都有人在庆祝！
There were official celebrations as well exactly the same kinds of rallies as during the Cultural Revolution, which infuriated me. I was particularly angered by the fact that in my department, the political supervisors and the student officials were now arranging the whole show, with unperturbed self-righteousness.
官方也举行庆祝集会，和文革中的群众大会形式一模一样，这使我很生气。我特别气愤的是在我的系里，政治辅导员和沉重干部们又在组织大会，俨然一向是反“四人帮”的英雄。
The new leadership was headed by Mao's chosen successor, Hua Guofeng, whose only qualification, I believed, was his mediocrity. One of his first acts was to announce the construction of a huge mausoleum for Mao on Tiananmen Square. I was outraged: hundreds of thousands of people were still homeless after the earthquake in Tangshan, living in temporary shacks on the pavements.
新的头号人物是毛泽东选择的继承人华国锋。(此处删去一句)。他上任首先做的事，是宣布在天安门广场建毛泽东的陵墓。而数十万人在唐山地震后没有房子住，还睡在街道临时搭起的窝棚里。
With her experience, my mother had immediately seen that a new era was beginning. On the day after Mao's death she had reported for work at her department. She had been at home for five years, and now she wanted to put her energy to use again. She was given a job as the number seven deputy director in her department, of which she had been the director before the Cultural Revolution. But she did not mind.
我母亲以她的经验立刻意识到一个新纪元开始了。毛泽东去世当天，她回她原来的部里报到工作。她在家里呆了五年。现在想再好好干一番了。她的新职务是东城区委宣传部的第七副部长，而在文革前她一直是部长，她对此毫不介意。
To me in my impatient mood, things seemed to go on as before. In January 1977, my university course came to an end. We were given neither examinations nor degrees.
在我急躁的心情里，生活似乎像过去一样，没有变化。1977年1月，我的大学课程结束了，既没有考试也没有授学位。
Although Mao and the Gang of Four were gone, Mao's rule that we had to return to where we had come from still applied. For me, this meant the machinery factory. The idea that a university education should make a difference to one's job had been condemned by Mao as 'training spiritual aristocrats."
虽然毛泽东不在了，“四人帮”倒了台，但毛泽东所定的毕业生从哪里来必须回哪里去的规矩仍然有效。对我来说，这意味着要回那家手工机具厂。受高等教育后应该有不同的工用照毛泽东看来是“培养精神贵族”。
I was desperate to avoid being sent back to the factory.
If that happened, I would lose any chance of using my English: there would be nothing to translate, and no one to speak the language with. Once again, I turned to my mother. She said there was only one way out: the factory had to refuse to take me back. My friends at the factory persuaded the management to write a report to the Second Bureau of Light Industry saying that, although I was a good worker, they realized they should sacrifice their own interests for a greater cause: our motherland would benefit from my English.
我一心不想回原来的工厂，回去了我就再也没有机会用英语了。厂里没有英文资料要翻译，也没有人说英语。再一次，母亲成了我唯一的希望。她说只有一个办法，就是工厂拒绝收我。我在厂里的朋友说服了厂长，写了一份报告给二轻局，说虽然我是个好工人，但是他们了解到他们该牺牲局部利益以完成更伟大的事业——让我的英语造福祖国。
After this florid letter went off, my mother sent me to see the chief manager of the bureau, a Mr. Hui. He had been a colleague of hers, and had been very fond of me when I was a baby. My mother knew he still had a soft spot for me. The day after I went to see him, a board meeting of his bureau was convened to discuss my case. The board consisted of some twenty directors, all of whom had to meet to make any decision, however trivial. Mr. Hui managed to convince them that I should be given a chance to use my English, and they wrote a formal letter to my university.
在这封词藻华丽的信发出之后，母亲要我去见二轻局局长慧先生。他和我母亲是老同事，当我还是幼儿时，他非常喜欢我，我母亲知道他会被我的话打动。我见他后的第二天，二轻局召开全体委员会议讨论我这件事。委员会共有二十多人，事无巨细都得大家坐在一起决定。慧先生说服了大家：应该给我机会使用英语。于是他们给四川大学发了封公函。
Although my department had given me a hard time, they needed teachers, and in January 19771 became an assistant lecturer in English at Sichuan University. I had mixed feelings about working there, as I would have to live on the campus, under the eyes of political supervisors and ambitious and jealous colleagues. Worse, I soon learned that I was not to have anything to do with my profession for a year. A week after my appointment I was sent to the countryside on the outskirts of Chengdu, as part of my 'reeducation' program.
虽然外语系让我日子难受过，但是他们需要教师，1977年1月我成了四川大学外语系的助教。我又想要这份工作又不想在那里，我得住校，在政治辅导员的眼皮下过日子。最糟糕的是我很快得知我头一年时间什么事也别想做，到了一个星期后，我就被编入工作组送到成都郊区的乡下，作为一种“再教育”。
I labored in the fields and sat through endless tedious meetings. Boredom, dissatisfaction, and the pressure put on me for not having a fiance at the advanced age of twenty-five helped push me into infatuations with a couple of men. One of them I had never met, but he wrote me beautiful letters. I fell out of love the moment I set eyes on him. The other, Hou, had actually been a Rebel leader.
在乡间，我下田劳动，开无休止的单调沉闷的会议。压烦、不满以及二十四岁还没有未婚夫的压力使我先后对两个男人有点昏昏然。其中一个我从来没有见过，只迷上了他写来的文笔优雅的信。后来，第一眼看见他，爱意马上就飞到九霄云外去了。另一位姓候，原是个造反派头头，他是时代的产物。机智又不择手段，我被他的魅力迷惑。
He was a kind of product of the times: brilliant and unscrupulous. I was dazzled by his charm.
Hou was detained in the summer of 1977 when a campaign started to apprehend 'the followers of the Gang of Four." These were defined as the 'heads of the Rebels' and anyone who had engaged in criminal violence, which was vaguely described as including torture, murder, and destruction or looting of state property. The campaign petered out within months. The main reason was that Mao was not repudiated, nor was the Cultural Revolution as such. Anyone who had done evil simply claimed that they had acted out of loyalty to Mao. There were no clear criteria to judge criminality either, except in the case of the most blatant murderers and torturers. So many had been involved in house raids, in destroying historical sites, antiques, and books, and in the factional fighting. The greatest horror of the Cultural Revolution the crushing repression which had driven hundreds of thousands of people to mental breakdown, suicide, and death was carried out by the population collectively. Almost everyone, including young children, had participated in brutal denunciation meetings. Many had lent a hand in beating the victims. What was more, victims had often become victimizers, and vice versa.
1977年夏季，清查“四人帮”追随者的运动开始了，侯被关押起来。清查对象是“造反派头头”和参加过含混地定义为“打、砸、抢”的人：指行凶打人、杀人及破坏、抢劫国家财产。几个月后这个运动不了了之，(此处删去一句)。干坏事的人都简单地声称他们这样做是因为忠于毛泽东。另外，也没有确切的标准来衡量犯罪，只有一些明显的杀人犯和大抢劫犯被抓了起来。参于抄家、破坏文物、烧书、派战武斗的人太多。文革最恐怖的地方——笼罩全国的使千千万万的人精神失常、自杀、死亡的高压空气——都是人民集体做出来的。几乎每个人，包括年幼的孩子，都参加过野蛮的斗争会。许多人动手打过人。更有甚者，被整的也整人，整人的也被整。
There was also no independent legal system to investigate and to judge. Party officials decided who was to be punished and who was not. Personal feelings were often the decisive factor. Some Rebels were rightly punished.
没有独立的司法机构来执行调查审判。新当权的共产党干部决定谁应受惩罚，个人感情经常成为关键因素。
Some got rough justice. Others were let off lightly. Of my father's main persecutors, nothing happened to Zuo, and Mrs Shau was simply transferred to a slightly less desirable job.
一些造反派罪有应得，一些错轻惩重，还有些人轻飘飘就过了关。左先生仍当三朝元老，姚女士只是换了个不那么如意的工作。
The Tings had been detained since 1970, but were not now brought to justice because the Party had not issued criteria by which they could be judged. The only thing that happened to them was having to sit through non violent meetings at which victims could 'speak bitterness' against them. My mother spoke at one such mass meeting about how the couple had persecuted my father. The Tings were to remain in detention without trial until 1982, when Mr. Ting was given twenty years' imprisonment and Mrs. Ting seventeen.
“二挺”从1970年起被关押，但没有送交法庭——因为没人决定怎么对待他们。现在他们唯一遭受的惩罚只是坐在非暴力的会议上，听被他们迫害的人或家属控诉他们。我母亲在这样一个大会上谈过这对夫妇是如何整我父亲的。对“二挺”的判决是在1982年，刘结挺被判处二十年监禁，张西挺判处十七年。
Hou, over whose detention I had lost much sleep, was soon set free. But the bitter emotions reawakened in those brief days of reckoning had killed whatever feeling I had for him. Although I was never to know his exact responsibility, it was clear that as a mass Red Guard leader in the most savage years he could not possibly have been guiltless.
候被关押时，我有许多晚上睡不好觉。他很快就被释放了，但那些短短的清算“四人帮”的日子勾起的悲愤回忆淹没了我对他的感情。虽然我不可能知道他本人究竟负有多少责任，但是我很清楚身为一名大规模红卫兵组织的头目，在那个野蛮的年代里，他是不可能清白无辜的。
I still could not make myself hate him personally, but I was no longer sorry for him. I hoped that justice would be done to him, and to all those who deserved it.
我仍无法使自己恨他这个人，但是我不再为他难过了。我希望他罪有应得，所有犯下罪行的人也都受到惩罚。
When would that day come? Could justice ever be done?
And could this be achieved without more bitterness and animosity being stirred up, given that there was so much steam already? All around me, factions that had fought bloody wars against each other now cohabited under the same roof. Capitalist-roaders were obliged to work side by side with former Rebels who had denounced and tormented them. The country was still in a state of extreme tension. When, if ever, would we be rid of the nightmare cast by Mao?
这一天什么时候才会到来呢？真的能来到吗？正义真的能伸张吗？伸张正义会不会激起更多的怨恨呢？中国不能再多恨了，我们现在的已经够多了。在我的四周，曾一度竭力打杀对手的各派现在得在同一屋檐下生活，走资派和过去批斗、折磨他们的造反派天天得见面，一起工作。到处充满勾心斗角，紧张空气是家常便饭。我们什么时候摆脱文革留下的噩梦呢？
In July 1977 Deng Xiaoping was rehabilitated again and made deputy to Hua Guofeng. Every speech by Deng was a blast of fresh air. Political campaigns were to end. Political 'studies' were 'exorbitant taxes and levies' and must be stopped. Party policies must be based on reality, not dogma. And most importantly, it was wrong to follow every word of Mao's to the letter. Deng was changing China's course. Then I started to suffer from anxiety: I so feared that this new future might never come to pass.
1977年7月，邓小平东山再起，取代了华国锋。邓的每一次谈话都是一阵春风。政治运动停止了，“政治学习”被称作“苛捐杂税”。共产党的政策要由实践来检验，而不是教条。最重要的是，对毛泽东的每句话都照办现在是错误的了。邓小平在改变中国，我紧张地盯着这一点点扩散的光明，就好像注视着黑暗中的一星摇曳的烛火，唯恐一般寒流袭来把它扑灭。
In the new spirit of Deng, the end of my sentence in the commune came in December 1977, one month short of the original one-year schedule. This difference of a mere month thrilled me beyond reason. When I got back to Chengdu, the university was about to hold belated entrance examinations for 1977, the first proper examinations since 1966. Deng had declared that university entrance must be through academic exams, not the back door. The autumn term had had to be postponed because of the need to prepare the population for the change from Mao's policies.
按照邓小平的新规定，我在公社的“徒刑”于1977年12月完结了，比原订的一年减少了一个月时间。短短一个月之差使我的心飞上了天。我回到成都，学校正准备姗姗来迟的1977年入学考试，这是自1966年以来首次正规考试。邓小平宣布：大学入学必须通过考试，而不能走后门。因为从毛泽东的政策上变过来需要时间使老百姓有思想准备，秋季招生延期了。
I was sent to the mountains of northern Sichuan to interview applicants for my department. I went willingly. It was on this trip, traveling from county to county on the meandering dusty roads, all on my own, that a thought first occurred to me: how wonderful it would be to go and study in the West!
系里派我到四川北部群山去面试考生，我欣然前往。正是在从一个县城到另一个县城招考的旅程中，独自乘车行在蜿蜒、尘土蔽天的山间公路上时，我突然第一次想到，如果能到西方留学该有多好！
A few years before, a friend of mine had told me a story.
几年前，我的一个朋友告诉我一个故事。
He had originally come to 'the motherland' from Hong Kong in 1964, but had not been allowed out again until 1973, when, in the openness following Nixon's visit, he was permitted to go and see his family. On his first night in Hong Kong, he heard his niece on the phone to Tokyo arranging a weekend there. His apparently inconsequential story had become a permanent source of perturbation to me. This freedom to see the world, a freedom I could not dream of, tormented me. Because it had been impossible, my desire to go abroad had always remained firmly imprisoned in my subconscious. There had been odd scholarships to the West at some other universities in the past, but, of course, the candidates had all been chosen by the authorities, and Party membership was a prerequisite.
他是1964年从香港返回“祖国”的，回来就不准他离境了。直到1973年，由于尼克松访华带来的开放，他才获准去香港探望他的家庭。到香港的当天晚上，他听到他侄女打电话给东京安排到那里去度周末。这件小事使我思绪万千，从此一想起就心神不定。这种见世界的自由，一种我不敢梦想的自由，不断地折磨我。因为出国简直是闻所未闻，这愿望就一直被牢牢地囚禁在我的下意识里。在别的大学是有人拿奖学金到西方学习，但是去的人完全由掌权者指定，起码要是党员。
I had no chance, being neither a Party member nor trusted by my department, even if a scholarship were to fall from heaven onto my university. But now it began to bud somewhere in my mind that since exams were back, and China was shedding its Maoist straitjacket, I might have a chance.
我既不是党员，又不被系里信任。即便机会自天而降至系里也浇不到我身上，但是现在，第一次我脑子里什么东西动了一动，高考既然已经恢复，(此处删去一句)。那么我是不是有希望去西方留学了呢？
Hardly had I begun to dream this than I forced myself to kill the idea, I was so afraid of the inevitable disappointment.
这梦想刚一萌芽，我就马上强迫自己掐掉它——我多么害怕那不可避免的失望！
When I came back from my trip, I heard that my department had been given a scholarship for a young or middle aged teacher to go to the West. And they had decided on someone else.
归来时，我听说系里真有一个名额，让一名青年或中年都是到西方去留学。系里已确定了一个人。
It was Professor Lo who told me the devastating news.
She was in her early seventies and walked unsteadily with a stick, but was nonetheless perky and almost impetuously quick in every other way. She spoke English rapidly, as if she was impatient to get out all the things she knew. She had lived in the United States for about thirty years. Her father had been a Kuomintang high court judge, and had wanted to give her a Western upbringing. In America she had taken the name Lucy, and had fallen in love with an American student called Luke. They planned to get married, but when they told Luke's mother, she said, "Lucy, I like you very much. But what would your children look like? It would be very difficult .... '
这个惊人的消息是罗教授告诉我的，她七十岁出头，走路不太稳，拄着根拐杖。除此以外，她十分精干，做起事来急急忙忙，说英语也非常快，好像是要把所有她知道的都一下子说出来。她在美国生活了大约三十年。她的父亲是一位国民党高级法院的法官，希望女儿受西方教育。在美国她取名露西，爱上了一位名叫路克的美国学生。他们计划结婚，但是路克的母亲说：“露西，我很喜欢你，只是我不敢想象你们的孩子将来面孔是什么样子？我很为难……”
Lucy broke with Luke because she was too proud to be accepted into his family with reluctance. At the beginning of the 1950s, after the Communists took over, she went back to China, thinking that at last the dignity of the Chinese would be restored. She never got over Luke, and entered into a very late marriage with a Chinese professor of English, whom she did not love, and they quarreled nonstop. They had been thrown out of their apartment during the Cultural Revolution and were living in a tiny room, about ten feet by eight, crammed with fading old papers and dusty books. It was heart-rending to see this frail white-haired couple, unable to bear each other, one sitting on the edge of their double bed, the other on the only chair that could be squeezed into the room.
露西和路克断绝了关系，她的自尊心强，不愿在对方家庭不欢迎她的情况下嫁给他。五十年代初，共产党掌权后，她回到中国，心想中国人的尊严终于会恢复了。但是她忘不了路克，年龄很大才和一位教英语的教授结了婚，她并不爱这个人，夫妇俩总是吵个不停。在文革期间，他俩被赶出了自己的家，挤在一间十尺长、八尺宽的小屋子里度日，屋子里塞满了褪色发黄的旧期刊和满是灰尘的书。这对白发苍苍的老夫妻一个坐在双人床边，一个坐在唯一的一张椅子上，那种无法忍受对方的光景，看到就叫我伤心。
Professor Lo became very fond of me. She said she saw in me her own vanished youth of fifty years before when she had also been restless, wanting happiness out of life.
罗教授很喜欢我，说从我身上看到了她自己的青年时代。五十年前，她也像我一样，急于从生活里寻求幸福。
She had failed to find it, she told me, but she wanted me to succeed. When she heard about the scholarship to go abroad, probably to America, she was terribly excited, but also anxious because I was away and could not stake my claim. The place went to a Miss Yee, who had been one year ahead of me and was now a Party official. She and the other young teachers in my department who had been graduated since the Cultural Revolution had been put in a training scheme to improve their English while I was in the countryside. Professor Lo was one of their tutors; she taught partly by using articles from English-language publications she had procured from friends in the more open cities like Peking and Shanghai (Sichuan was still completely closed to foreigners). Whenever I was back from the country, I sat in on her classes.
她最终没有得到，她告诉我她希望我能如愿以偿，听说有出国留学名额，还可能是到美国时，她又兴奋，又着急，怕我在出差，没法提出要求。这个名额系里给了易小姐，她比我早一年毕业，当了干部。当我在乡下时，她和系里文革期间毕业的青年教师都参加一个培训班以提高英语水平，罗教授是他们的教师之一，她的教材摘自原版英文刊物，是她从在北京、上海等比较开放的城市朋友那里要来的。当时四川仍然完全对外国人关闭。每次我从乡下回成都，都去听她的课。
One day the text was about the use of atomic energy in US industry. After Professor Lo explained the meaning of the article, Miss Yee looked up, straightened her back, and said with great indignation, "This article has to be read critically!? How can the American imperialists use atomic energy peacefully?" I felt my irritation flaring up at Miss Yee's parroting of the propaganda line. Impulsively I retorted, "But how do you know they can't.}' Miss Yee and most of the class stared at me incredulously. To them, a question like mine was still inconceivable, even blasphemous. Then I saw the sparkle in Professor Lo's eyes, the smile of appreciation that only I could detect. I felt understood and for lifted
一天，她的教材是一篇关于美国工业使用原子能的文章，罗教授解释了这篇文章后，易小姐从书上抬起头来，挺直了腰，以义愤填膺的口吻说：“这篇文章只能以批判眼光来看！美帝国主义怎么可能和平利用原子能呢？”听到易小姐这样鹦鹉学舌似的照搬官方宣传，我的不耐烦一下子冒了上来，冲口说：“你怎么知道他们不可能呢？”易小姐和班上大多数人都以一种难以置信的眼光转过脸来看我，对他们来说，我这样的反问简直不可思议，甚至够格“反动”了。我心一悬，但就在过里，我看到罗教授眼里闪烁的一星火花，一丝只有我能看出来的赏识笑容。我感到被理解、受到了鼓励。
Besides Professor Lo, some other professors and lecturers wanted me, not Miss Yee, to go to the West. But although they had begun to be respected in the new climate, none of them had any say. If anyone could help, it had to be my mother. Following her advice, I went to see my father's former colleagues, who were now in charge of universities, and told them I had a complaint: since Comrade Deng Xiaoping had said that university entrance was to be based on merit, not the back door, surely it was wrong not to follow this procedure for studying overseas. I begged them to allow me a fair competition, which meant an exam.
除了罗教授外，别的老教授、老讲师也都希望是我、而不是易小姐去留学。但是，虽然在新的政治气候里他们开始受到尊重，他们说话还是不顶用。除了我母亲，谁也帮不了我。我听从她的建议，去见主管大学的父亲以前的同事。我告诉他们我有一点意见：邓小平同学说大学入学必须看考试成绩，而不能走后门，为什么留学生选择不这样做呢？我恳求他们给我一次公平竞争的机会，让我们大家考试。
while my mother and I were lobbying, an order suddenly came from Peking: for the first time since 1949, scholarships for studying in the West were to be awarded on the basis of a national academic examination, and it was soon to be held simultaneously in Peking, Shanghai, and Xi'an, the ancient capital where the terra-cotta army was later excavated.
正当我和母亲努力争取时，一道命令突然自北京下来——从1949年以来第一次，留学生的选拔取决于全国统一考试的成都，首次全国统考将很快在北京、上海、西安同时举行。
My department had to send three candidates to Xi'an.
我们系上奉命送三名候选人赴兵马俑的出土地古都西安应考。
It withdrew Miss Yee's scholarship and chose two candidates, both excellent lecturers around the age of forty, who had been teaching since before the Cultural Revolution.
系里撤消了易小姐，改派两名中年教师，一名青年教师做候选人。两名中年教师是指定的，都是非常出色的四十出头的讲师，文革前一直在教英语。
Partly because of Peking's order to base selection on professional ability, and partly because of the pressure from my mother's campaign, the department decided that the third candidate, a younger one, should be chosen from among the two dozen people who were graduated during the Cultural Revolution, through a written and an oral examination on 18 March.
部分是因为北京要求注重学术水平，部分是因为我母亲的争取，系里决定第三名年轻候选人须通过笔试、口试，从二十几个文革期间毕业的学生中选择，考试时间定在3月18日。
I received the highest marks in both, although I won the oral test somewhat irregularly. We had to go one at a time into a room where two examiners, Professor Lo and another elderly professor, were seated. On a table in front of them were some paper balls: we had to pick one and answer the question on it in English. Mine read: 'what are the main points in the communiqué of the recent Second Plenary Session of the Eleventh Congress of the Communist Party of China?" Of course I had no idea, and stood there stupefied. Professor Lo looked into my face and stretched out her hand for the slip of paper. She glanced at it and showed it to the other professor. Silently she put it in her pocket and motioned with her eyes for me to pick another. This time the question was: "Say something about the glorious situation of our socialist motherland."
这两门考试我都得了最高分，虽然我口试赢得有点不寻常。我们是每次一个人进到一间教室，面对两名主考官：罗教授和另一位老教授。他们坐在一张大桌子后面，桌上散放着一些纸团，进去的人随意拿一个打开，用英语回答上面的问题。我打开了一个，只见上面写着：“最近召开的中国共产党十一届二中全会的新闻公报的重点是什么？”我当然一点也不知道，只站在那里拼命搜肠刮肚想找出什么话来说。罗教授看了看我的脸，伸出手来接过那张条子。她瞥了一眼，递给另外那位教授看。然后她默默把纸条放进口袋，用眼神示意我另外拣一个，这次的问题是：“说一说社会主义祖国的大好形势。”
Years of compulsory exaltation of the glorious situation of my socialist motherland had bored me sick, but this time I had plenty to say. In fact, I had just written a rapturous poem about the spring of 1978. Deng Xiaoping's right-hand man, Hu Yaobang, had become head of the Party's organization Department, and had begun the process of clearing all sorts of' class enemies' en masse. The country was palpably shaking off Maoism. Industry was going at full blast and there were many more goods in the shops. Schools, hospitals, and other public services were working properly. Long-banned books were being published, and people sometimes waited outside book shops for two days to obtain them. There was laughter, on the streets and in people's homes.
多年来的强制性讴歌社会主义祖国大好形势早已使我厌烦得要死，可这一次我有满肚子话要说，我甚至还刚写了一首诗欢迎1978年的春天。邓小平的左右手胡耀邦当时担任了共产党中央组织部长，开始替各种各样的“阶级敌人”平反。中国显然正从文革的阴影里挣脱出来。工业正在全面复苏，商店的货架上多了商品，学校、医院和服务行业都恢复正常工作。长期受禁的书籍也纷纷出版了，人们等在书店外面排队购买，有时要排上两天。街道上是笑脸，家庭里也有了笑声。
I began to prepare frantically for the examinations in Xi'an, which were not quite three weeks away. Several professors offered their help. Professor Lo gave me a reading list and a dozen English books, but then decided I would not have time to read them all. So she briskly cleared a space on her crowded desk for her portable typewriter, and spent the next two weeks typing out summaries of them in English. This, she said with a mischievous wink, was how Luke had helped her with her examinations fifty years before, as she had preferred dancing and parties.
在这样的春意里，我开始拼命地准备西安的考试，只剩下不到三周了。几位教师慷慨地帮助我，罗教授整理出一个书目，还给了我十几本英语书。递给我时她又想到我不可能有时间读完它们，于是飞快地在她堆得满满的写字台上清出一个空间，放上她的手提打字机，花了两个星期打出这些读物的大要。她俏皮地眨眨眼说，五十年前路克就是这样帮她参加酒会、跳舞和帮她应付考试的。
The two lecturers and I, accompanied by the deputy Party secretary, took a train to Xi'an, a day and a night's journey away. For most of the journey I lay on my stomach on my 'hard sleeper," busily annotating Professor Lo's pile of notes. No one knew the exact number of scholarships or the countries for which the winners were destined, as most information in China was a state secret. But when we arrived in Xi'an we heard that there were twenty-two people taking the exams there, mostly senior lecturers from four provinces in western China. The sealed exam paper had been flown in from Peking the day before. There were three parts to the written exam, which took up the morning; one was a long passage from Roots, which we had to translate into Chinese. Outside the windows of the examination hall, white showers of willow flowers swept across the April city as if in a magnificent rhapsodic dance. At the end of the morning, our papers were collected, sealed, and sent straight to Peking to be marked together with the ones done there and in Shanghai. In the afternoon there was an oral exam.
两位讲师和我由系党总支副书记带领乘火车去西安，成都离西安有一天一夜路程，大半时间我都伏在我的硬卧铺位上忙着复习罗教授的笔记。没有人知道究竟有多少名额、去哪个国家。当时在中国绝大多数的资讯都是国家机密。到达西安后，我们听说共有十二人参加这里的考试，多半是来自西部四个省份的中年讲师。密封的试卷临考试前一天才从北京空运来。笔试占一个上午时间，有三道题，一道是翻译《根》的一大段。考试大厅的窗户外面，4月的古城正是“长安无处不飞花”的时节，满天飘舞着杨柳白絮。快到中午时，我们的试卷被收了上去、封好，直接送往北京和北京、上海的试卷一起评分。下午是口试。
At the end of May I was told unofficially that I had come through both exams with distinction. As soon as she heard the news, my mother stepped up her campaign to get my father's name cleared. Although he was dead, his file still continued to decide the future of his children. It contained the draft verdict which said he had committed 'serious political errors." My mother knew that even though China was beginning to become more liberal, this would still disqualify me from going abroad.
到了5月底，我得到消息，说这两门考试我都成绩优异。母亲一听到这个消息就加紧活动——为父亲恢复名誉。虽然父亲去世了，但是他的档案仍关系着他孩子们的前途。档案里现有的结论说他犯有“严重的政治错误”。母亲很清楚，即使中国正在变得自由、开明，这样的结论仍然会阻止我出国。
She lobbied my father's former colleagues, who were now back in power in the provincial government, backing up her case with the note from Zhou Enlai which said that my father had the right to petition Mao. This note had been hidden with great ingenuity by my grandmother, stitched into the cotton upper of one of her shoes. Now, eleven years after Zhou had given it to her, my mother decided to hand it to the provincial authorities, who were now headed by Zhao Ziyang.
她不断去游说现已重新做官的我父亲以前的同事。她拿出周恩来的字条，上面说我父亲有权向毛泽东上书。这张字条曾被我姥姥煞费苦心地藏在她的一个小脚棉鞋里。现在，在周恩来写这张字条的十一年之后，母亲决定把它交给省委的新负责人。当时赵紫阳是省委第一书记，胡耀邦在中央主管平反工作。这是个幸运的时刻。(此处删去一句)。
It was a propitious time Mao's spell was beginning to lose its paralyzing power, with considerable help from Hu Yaobang, who was in charge of rehabilitations.
On 12 June, a senior official turned up at Meteorite Street bearing the Party's verdict on my father. He handed my mother a flimsy piece of paper on which it was written that Father had been 'a good official and a good Party member." This marked his official rehabilitation. It was only after this that my scholarship was finally endorsed by the Education Ministry in Peking.
6月12日，省委组织部一个处长出现在支机石街我家，带来党对我父亲的新结论。他递给我母亲一张薄薄的纸，上面写着：我父亲是好干部、好党员。这表示他正式平反。在这之后，我的奖学金才由教育部批准了。
The news that I was to go to Britain reached me through excited friends in the department before the authorities told me. People who barely knew me felt hugely pleased for me, and I received many letters and telegrams of congratulations. Celebration parties were thrown, and many tears of joy were shed. It was a gigantic thing to go to the West. China had been closed for decades, and everyone felt stifled by the airlessness. I was the first person from my university and, as far as I know, the first person from the whole of Sichuan (which then had a population of about ninety million) to be allowed to study in the West since 1949. And I had earned this on professional merit I was not even a Party member. It was another sign of the dramatic changes sweeping the country. People saw hope and opportunities opening up.
在系里正式通知我之前，兴高采烈的朋友们就告诉了我，到英国留学的消息。甚至不认识我的人都为我高兴。我收到许多贺信和电报，去了一个又一个庆祝聚会，流了一场又一场兴奋的眼泪。到西方去留学在当时可是一件了不得的大事，中国封闭了几十年，每个人都因缺乏新鲜空气而感到窒息。我是我们大学的第一个，而且就我所知，也是整个四川(那时有九千万人口)1949年以来的第一个到西方去留学的。并且，我是凭学习成绩争取到的——我连个共产党员都不是。中国开始变了，我能出国表示了人们有希望、有机会了。
But I was not entirely overwhelmed with excitement. I had achieved something so desirable and so unobtainable for everyone else around me that I felt guilty toward my friends. To show elation seemed embarrassing or even cruel to them, but to conceal it would have been dishonest.
我没有欢喜得忘乎所以，我的成功对周围的人来说是如此可望而不可及，以至于我对他们感到某种歉意，表现得兴高采烈好像对不起朋友们，甚至会刺伤他们，而把欣喜藏在心里不外露似乎又不诚实，所以不知不觉地我的情绪变得忧虑。
So subconsciously I opted for a subdued mood. I also felt sad when I thought about how narrow and monolithic China was so many people had been denied opportunities and their talents had had no outlet. I knew that I was lucky to come from a privileged family, much though it had suffered. Now that a more open and fair China was on its way, I was impatient for change to come faster and transform the whole society.
我也真感到悲哀：偌大的中国，机会却微乎其微，人们的才华得不到发挥。我明白我很幸运，尽管我的家庭遭受了种种巨大不幸，但毕竟有优越的条件。现在看来中国正在变得更开放和公正，我焦急地希望变化得更快，让全国的人都一样幸运。
Wrapped up in my own thoughts, I went through the inescapable rigmarole connected with leaving China in those days. First I had to go to Peking for a special training course for people going abroad. We had a month of indoctrination sessions, followed by a month traveling around China. The point was to impress us with the beauty of the motherland so we would not contemplate defecting.
思绪万千，我走完了那时出国前必须走的过程。首先，我去北京参加一个专门为出国人员办的一个月短训班，接受爱党爱国思想灌输。然后是一个月时间周游中国，目的是使我们爱上祖国的大好河山，而不会打主意“叛逃”。
All the arrangements for going abroad were made for us, and we were given a clothing allowance. We had to look smart for the foreigners.
官方为我们办好了一切出国手续，我们还得到一笔置装费：在外国人面前我们得衣冠楚楚。
The Silk River meandered past the campus, and I often wandered along its banks on my last evenings. Its surface glimmered in the moonlight and the hazy mist of the summer night. I contemplated my twenty-six years. I had experienced privilege as well as denunciation, courage as well as fear, seen kindness and loyalty as well as the depths of human ugliness. Amid suffering, ruin, and death, I had above all known love and the indestructible human capacity to survive and to pursue happiness.
锦江蜿蜒着从校园旁边流过，在成都的最后几天夜里，我总是沿着它的堤岸散步。在夏季傍晚的薄雾里，河面闪着月光，我回想着二十六年走过的路。我享受过特权，也遭受过磨难，有过勇气，也有过恐怖；见过善良、忠诚，也见过人性最丑陋的一面。在痛苦、毁灭和死亡之中，我更认清了爱及人类不可摧毁的求生存、追求幸福的能力。
All sorts of emotions swept over me, particularly when I thought of my father, as well as my grandmother and Aunt Jun-ying. Until then I had tried to suppress my memories of them, as their deaths had remained the most painful spot in my heart. Now I pictured how delighted and proud they would be for me.
万千滋味在心中翻腾。多年第一次，我特别想念父亲、姥姥和俊英娘娘。在这之前，我一直避免想起他们，因为他们的死是我心里最痛苦的一角。现在我想象着他们该会为我多么高兴、多么骄傲。
I flew to Peking and was to travel with thirteen other university teachers, one of whom was the political supervisor. Our plane was due to leave at 8 p.m. on 11 September 1978, and I almost missed it, because some friends had come to say goodbye at Peking Airport and I did not feel I should keep looking at my watch. When I was finally slumped in my seat, I realized I had hardly given my mother a proper hug. She had come to see me off at Chengdu Airport, almost casually, with no trace of tears, as though my going half a globe away was just one more episode in our eventful lives.
我飞到北京，和十三名其他大学教师(包括一名政治辅导员)会合，一齐飞离中国。我们飞机于1978年9月12日傍晚八点钟起飞。我差一点误了飞机，因为几个朋友来北京机场向我告别，我觉得不应该老去看表。当我最后靠在飞机座位上时，我才意识到没有好好搂搂母亲。她是在成都机场为我送行的，几乎不动什么声色，没有流眼泪，我去到地球另一端似乎也不过是我们曲折多事的生活中的又一段插曲。
As I left China farther and farther behind, I looked out of the window and saw a great universe beyond the plane's silver wing. I took one more glance over my past life, then turned to the future. I was eager to embrace the world.
中国越离越远了。我从窗户看出去，只见银色的机翼外是一个无边的宇宙。我再看了一眼过去，就开始憧憬未来。我一心想拥抱世界。