4 "Slaves Who Have No Country of Your Own"
四 “亡国奴”
——Ruled by Different Masters (1945-1947)
——走马灯似的换政府(1945—1947)
In May 1945 the news spread around Jinzhou that Germany had surrendered and that the war in Europe was over. US planes were flying over the area much more often: B-19s were bombing other cities in Manchuria, though Jinzhou was not attacked. The feeling that Japan would soon be defeated swept through the city.
1945年5月，德国人投降和欧战结束的消息传遍锦州。美国飞机频频飞过锦州上空，尽管锦州没有遭到轰炸，但其他几个主要城市都被B—29轰过了。日本人就要战败的气氛笼罩全城。
On 8 August my mother's school was ordered to go to a shrine to pray for the victory of Japan. The next day, Soviet and Mongolian troops entered Manchukuo. News came through that the Americans had dropped two atom bombs on Japan: the locals cheered the news. The following days were punctuated by air-raid scares, and school stopped. My mother stayed at home helping to dig an air-raid shelter.
8月8日，母亲的学校受命去神社为“日本胜利”祈祷。第二天，苏联和蒙古军队就开进了“满洲国”。紧接着，人们争相传告美国在日本丢下两颗原子弹的消息。空袭警报的虚惊已是家常便饭，学校停了课，母亲呆在家里帮着挖防空洞。
On 13 August the Xias heard that Japan was suing for peace. Two days later a Chinese neighbor who worked in the government rushed into their house to tell them' there was going to be an important announcement on the radio. Dr. Xia stopped work and came and sat with my grandmother in the courtyard. The announcer said that the Japanese emperor had surrendered. Immediately afterward came the news that Pu Yi had abdicated as emperor of Manchukuo.
8月13日，日本求和的消息不胫而走。两天后，一位在政府工作的汉人邻居兴奋地告诉夏瑞堂和姥姥，电台马上要播发重要新闻。夏瑞堂没有去药店，和姥姥一起坐在院子里，只听广播说，日本天皇宣布无条件投降，溥仪宣布退位。
People crowded into the streets in a state of high excitement. My mother went to her school to see what was happening there. The place seemed dead, except for a faint noise coming from one of the offices. She crept up to have a look: through the window she could see the Japanese teachers huddled together weeping.
街头挤满了情绪激动的人群。母亲跑回学校想看看发生了什么事，那里一片死寂，只听到一个办公室里传出轻微的响声。她悄悄跑过去，透过窗户，只见日本教师拖在一起痛哭。
She hardly slept a wink that night and was up at the crack of dawn. When she opened the front door in the morning she saw a small crowd in the street. The bodies of a Japanese woman and two children were lying in the road. A Japanese officer had committed hara-kiri; his family had been lynched.
那天晚上，母亲几乎一夜未眠。天蒙蒙亮时，她被街头喧哗的人声惊动，就打开大门，只见一群人围在街口。一位日本妇女和两个日本孩子的尸体横卧在那里。接着她又听说，一位日本军官剖腹自杀，他的家人也被私刑处死，财产遭人洗劫一空。
One morning a few days after the surrender, the Xias' Japanese neighbors were found dead. Some said they had poisoned themselves. All overJinzhou Japanese were committing suicide or being lynched. Japanese houses were looted and my mother noticed that one of her poor neighbors suddenly had quite a lot of valuable items for sale.
几天后，夏家的日本邻居一家也死了，据说是服毒自杀。在锦州，到处都有日本人自杀、被杀或财产被抢劫的消息。我母亲注意到一位平时靠拣破烂为生的穷邻居，突然间有了很多值钱的东西要卖。
Schoolchildren revenged themselves on their Japanese teachers and beat them up ferociously. Some Japanese left their babies on the doorsteps of local families in the hope that they would be saved. A number of Japanese women were raped; many shaved their heads to try to pass as men.
学生们，特别是男学生，狠命地揍日本教师，以报复过去的挨打受气。有些日本人把他们的婴儿放在当地人家门口，希望孩子有条活路。有的日本妇女被强奸，许多女人把头发剃光，装扮成男人。
My mother was worried about Miss Tanaka, who was the only teacher at her school who never slapped the pupils and the only Japanese who had shown distress when my mother's schoolfriend had been executed. She asked her parents if she could hide her in their house. My grandmother looked anxious, but said nothing. Dr. Xia just nodded.
母亲为田中小姐担心。她是学校里唯一从未打过学生的日本教师，也是母亲的同学被处决时唯一流露出悲伤的日本人。我母亲对父母说她要把田中小姐藏在家里，姥姥很忧虑，不过没说什么，夏瑞堂只是点了点头。
My mother borrowed a set of clothes from her aunt Lan, who was about the teacher's size, then went and found Miss Tanaka, who was barricaded in her aparunent. The clothes fit her well. She was taller than the average Japanese woman, and could easily pass for a Chinese. In case anybody asked, they would say she was my mother's cousin.
因为玉兰姨妈与田中小姐身材相仿，我母亲从姨妈那里借了一套衣服，跑到田中小姐住处，田中当时正用衣柜之类家具堵住门以求自保。她穿上姨妈的衣服，看上去很像中国人。碰上有人问，我母亲就说是她表姐。
The Chinese have so many cousins no one can keep track of them. She moved into the end room, which had once been Han-chen's refuge.
反正中国人自己也弄不清有多少表亲，外人就更糊涂了。田中小姐被藏在那间曾藏过王汉臣的房间里。
In the vacuum left by the Japanese surrender and the collapse of the Manchukuo regime the victims were not just Japanese. The city was in chaos. At night there were gunshots and frequent screams for help. The male members of the household, including my grandmother's fifteen-year-old brother Yu-lin and Dr. Xia's apprentices, took turns keeping guard on the roof every night, armed with stones, axes, and cleavers. Unlike my grandmother, my mother was not scared at all. My grandmother was amazed: "You have your father's blood in your veins," she used to say to her.
日本人的投降和“满洲国”的垮台，使城市陷入无政府状态。受害者不仅仅是日本人，一到夜间，城里城外变成打劫者的天下，救命声此起彼落。家里的男人，包括姥姥十五岁的弟弟玉林和夏瑞堂的徒弟，都爬上房顶守夜，他们手持斧头、菜刀，身边是大堆石头。我母亲跑上跑下地帮忙，那副“贼胆大”的神情，着实让姥姥吃惊不小，她说我母亲“血管里流的都是你父亲的血”。
The looting, raping, and killing continued until eight days after the Japanese surrender, when the population was informed that a new army would be arriving the Soviet Red Army. On 23 August the neighborhood chiefs told residents to go to the railway station the next day to welcome the Russians. Dr. Xia and my grandmother stayed at home, but my mother joined the large, high-spirited crowd of young people holding colorful triangle-shaped paper flags. As the train pulled in, the crowd started waving their flags and shouting' Wula' (the Chinese approximation of Ura, the Russian word for "Hurrah'). My mother had imagined the Soviet soldiers as victorious heroes with impressive beards, riding on large horses. What she saw was a group of shabbily dressed" pale-skinned youths.
抢劫、强奸和滥杀持续了八天，直到苏联红军抵达。8月23日全城居民得到通知，到火车站欢迎俄国人。夏瑞堂和姥姥呆在家里没动，我母亲随着大批兴高采烈的年轻人涌入车站。火车进站时，人群挥动着五颜六色的三角形小旗，高声欢呼“乌拉！”出乎我母亲的意料之外，苏联士兵并非大胡子，骑着高头大马，威风凛凛的凯旋英雄，而是一群尘土满身、面色苍白的小伙子。
Apart from the occasional fleeting glimpse of some mysterious figure in a passing car, these were the first white people my mother had ever seen.
除了以前曾偶尔从疾驰而过的小汽车里瞥到一些神秘人物外，这是我母亲亲眼见到的第一批白人。
About a thousand Soviet troops were stationed in Jinzhou, and when they first arrived people felt grateful to them for helping to get rid of the Japanese. But the 104 "Slaves Who Have No Country of Your Own' Russians brought new problems. Schools had closed down when the Japanese surrendered, and my mother was getting private lessons. One day on her way home from the tutor's, she saw a truck parked by the side of the road: some Russian soldiers were standing beside it handing out bolts of textiles. Under the Japanese, cloth had been strictly rationed. She went over to have a look; it turned out the cloth was from the factory where she had worked when she was in primary school. The Russians were swapping it for watches, clocks, and knickknacks. My mother remembered that there was an old clock buried somewhere at the bottom of a chest at home. She rushed back and dug it out. She was a bit disappointed to find it was broken, but the Russian soldiers were overjoyed and gave her a bolt of beautiful white cloth with a delicate pink flower pattern on it. Over supper, the family sat shaking their heads in disbelief at these strange foreigners who were so keen on useless old broken clocks and baubles.
大约一千名俄国士兵进驻锦州。起初，人们感激他们帮助赶走了日本人。但不久，新的麻烦来了。日本人投降后，学校关了门，我母亲只得上私人办的补习班。一天，在下课回家的路上，她看见路边停着卡车，一些俄国士兵正把布一匹匹从车里往外递。布匹在当时极为稀缺，日本人统治时期是定量供应，俄国人拿这些布做什么呢？她很快发现这些布匹来自她小学时曾经劳动过的纺织厂，俄国人正用它们向行人交换手表、钟和其他小玩意。我母亲飞也似地跑回家，在一个堆放杂物的大箱子里翻来翻去，从底层找到了一个座钟，又破又旧，她失望极了，但俄国士兵却爱不释手，将整整一匹美丽的白底印花布塞到她手里。晚饭时，全家人议论此事，都啧啧称怪，搞不懂这些奇怪的外国人对毫无用处的东西为何有这么大的兴趣。
Not only were the Russians distributing goods from the factories, they were also dismantling entire factories, including Jinzhou's two oil refineries, and shipping the equipment back to the Soviet Union. They said these were 'reparations," but for the locals what this meant was that industry was crippled.
俄国士兵不仅从工厂拿产品，还整个拆掉工厂，如锦州的炼油厂，把全部设备运往苏联，说是“战争赔偿”。对当地人来说，这等于是工业被毁掉了。俄国士兵还闯进民家，见什么拿什么，特别是手表和衣服。俄国人强奸妇女的消息也传遍锦州，整座城市又笼罩在愤怒和不安的气氛中。
Russian soldiers would walk into people's homes and simply take anything they fancied watches and clothes in particular. Stories about Russians raping local women swept Jinzhou like wildfire. Many women went into hiding for fear of their 'liberators." Very soon the city was seething with anger and anxiety.
The Xias' house was outside the city walls, and was very poorly protected. A friend of my mother's offered to lend them a house inside the city gates, surrounded by high stone walls. The family decamped immediately, taking my mother's Japanese teacher with them. The move meant that my mother had to walk much farther about thirty minutes each way- to her tutor's. Dr. Xia insisted on taking her there and collecting her in the afternoon. My mother did not want him to walk so far, so she would walk part of the way back on her own and he would meet her. One day a jeep-load of laughing Russian soldiers skidded to a halt near her and the Russians jumped out and started running in her direction. She ran as fast as she could, with the Russians pounding after her. After a few hundred yards she caught sight of her stepfather in the distance, brandishing his walking stick. The Russians were close behind, and my mother turned into a deserted kindergarten she knew well, which was like a labyrinth. She hid there for over an hour and then sneaked out the back door and got home safely. Dr. Xia had seen the Russians chasing my mother into the building; to his immense relief they soon came out again, obviously baffled by the layout.
母亲与俄国大兵有过一次惊心动魄“遭遇战”。夏家住宅因位于城墙外，很不安全，所以举家搬入我母亲朋友借给的一所有石头围墙的院子暂住。搬家使母亲每天去补习班要走三十分钟。一天，一辆苏军吉普车突然刹在离她不远处，几个俄国士兵叫着跑下来抓她。母亲撒腿就跑，迎面远处，坚持早晚接的夏瑞堂正冲她挥动手杖，嘴里呼喊着什么。眼看越追越近，母亲转身拐进了路边一家幼稚园的后门。她熟悉里面复杂的建筑结构，利用院院相通的门，从另一条街跑掉了。夏瑞堂很快就松了一口气，俄国人空手而返，满脸挂着不解。
Just over a week after the Russians arrived, my mother was told by the chief of her neighborhood committee to attend a meeting the following evening. When she got there she saw a number of shabby Chinese men and a few women making speeches about how they had fought eight years to defeat the Japanese so that ordinary people could be the masters of a new China. These were Communists Chinese Communists. They had entered the city the previous day, without fanfare or warning. The women Communists at the meeting wore shapeless clothes exactly like the men. My mother thought to herself: How could you claim to have defeated the Japanese? You haven't even got decent guns or clothes. To her, the Communists looked poorer and scruffier than beggars.
俄国人到达后一星期，母亲被通知参加一个夜间会议。她来到会场，看见不少衣衫又旧又不合身的男子和几个妇女，正在演说他们如何经过八年抗战，打败日本人，使老百姓成为新中国的主人。这些人是共产党——中国共产党。他们是在前一天刚入城的，没有任何欢迎仪式。会场上的女共产党穿得和男人一样，上下一般粗，我母亲觉得难看死了。她心想，像你们这个土样子，穿着破衣，比乞丐还不如，怎么打败得了日本人？
She was disappointed because she had imagined them as big and handsome, and superhuman. Her uncle Pei-o, the prison warder, and Dong, the executioner, had told her that the Communists were the bravest prisoners: "They have the strongest bones," her uncle often said.
她曾经把他们想象成高大英俊、无所不能的超人。她的那位做监狱看守的姨丈和姓董的刽子手，都曾赞扬共产党说：“最勇敢的数共产党了，骨头硬得很，绞索都套上了脖子，还喊口号骂日本人。”
"They sang and shouted slogans and cursed the Japanese until the very last minute before they were strangled," said Dong.
The Communists put up notices calling on the population to keep order, and started arresting collaborators and people who had worked for the Japanese security forces.
共产党到处张贴布告，要求居民恢复正常秩序，并着手逮捕汉奸和其他为日本警察工作过的人。
Among those arrested was Yang, my grandmother's father, still deputy police chief of Yixian. He was imprisoned in his own jail and his boss, the police chief, was executed.
被捕的人中有外曾祖父，他被关押在自己曾掌管的大牢里。社会治安受到控制，夏瑞堂开始门诊了，我母亲的学校也开了学。共产党人分住在当地人家里。他们看上去很老实，不装腔作势、横蛮无理，还常和房东聊天。他们对我母亲的一个朋友说：“参加进来吧！我们需要有学问的人。说不定你能当个县长。”他们正在招兵买马，扩充势力。
The Communists soon restored order and got the economy going again. The food situation, which had been desperate, improved markedly. Dr. Xia was able to start seeing patients again, and my mother's school reopened.
The Communists were billeted in the houses of local people. They seemed honest and unpretentious, and would chat with the families: "We don't have enough educated people," they used to say to one friend of my mother's.
"Come and join us and you can become a county chief."
They needed recruits. At the time of the Japanese surrender, both Communists and Kuomintang had tried to occupy as much territory as they could, but the Kuomintang had a much larger and better-equipped army. Both were maneuvering for position in preparation for renewing the civil war which had been partly suspended for the previous eight years in order to fight the Japanese. In fact, fighting between Communists and Kuomintang had already broken out. Manchuria was the crucial battleground because of its economic assets. Because they were nearby, the Communists had got their forces into Manchuria first, with virtually no assistance from the Russians.
日本人投降时，国、共两党都在竭力扩大自己的地盘，调兵遣将准备重开因抗日而中止的内战。事实上，内战已在有些地区打响了。由于富饶的资源和日本投降造成的“真空”，东北成了双方的争夺要地。虽然国民党军队数量居优势，装备也精良得多，但共产党统治地区离得近，尽管没有俄国人的帮助，也抢先把部队开进了东北。
But the Americans were helping Chiang Kai-shek establish himself in the area by ferrying tens of thousands of Kuomintang troops to North China. At one point the Americans tried to land some of them at Huludao, the port about thirty miles from Jinzhou, but had to withdraw under fire from Chinese Communists. The Kuomintang troops were forced to land south of the Great Wall and make their way north by train. The United States gave them air cover.
美国人帮助蒋介石把成千上万国民党军队从南方运送到华北，并一度欲在距州锦三十哩处的葫芦岛登陆，后因受到共产党的猛烈阻击才不得不撤退。国民党军队被迫在长城以南上岸，乘火车向北进发，由美国人提供空中掩护。
Altogether, over 50,000 US Marines landed in North China, occupying Peking and Tianjin.
前后计有五万名美国海军陆战队占领北京和天津。
The Russians formally recognized Chiang Kai-shek's Kuomintang as the government of China. By 11 November, the Soviet Red Army had left the Jinzhou area and pulled back to northern Manchuria, as part of a commitment by Stalin to withdraw from the area within three months of victory. This left the Chinese Communists alone in control of the city. One evening in late November my mother was walking home from school when she saw large numbers of soldiers hurriedly gathering their weapons and equipment and moving in the direction of the south gate.
俄国人正式承认的是蒋介石的国民党政府。由于斯大林承诺在胜利后三个月内撤走苏军，苏联红军于11月11日撤出锦州，退到东北北部，锦州只剩下中国共产党人。11月底的一个傍晚，我母亲下课回家，看到许多携带武器装备的士兵行色匆匆向南门开进。她知道城郊四周正发生激烈战斗，猜想共产党是在撤退。这次撤退是根据共产党领袖毛泽东的战略进行的，叫做“让开大路，占领两厢”，“不拘一城一池得失，重在消灭有生力量。”
She knew there had been heavy fighting in the surrounding countryside and guessed the Communists must be leaving.
This withdrawal was in line with the strategy of the Communist leader Mao Zedong not to try to hold cities, where the Kuomintang would have the military advantage, but to retreat to the rural areas.
"To surround the cities with our countryside and eventually take the cities' was Mao's guideline for the new phase.
On the day after the Chinese Communists withdrew from Jinzhou, a new army entered the city the fourth in as many months. This army had clean uniforms and gleaming new American weapons. It was the Kuomintang.
共产党撤走不久，一支新的军队进了城，这已是近四个月来的第四支驻军了。这支部队军容整齐，士兵穿的是卡其布，军官穿的是昵制服，拥有崭新的美式武器，这就是国民党军队。
People ran out of their houses and gathered in the narrow mud streets, clapping and cheering. My mother squeezed her way to the front of the excited crowd. Suddenly she found she was waving her arms and cheering loudly. These soldiers really look like the army which beat the Japanese, she thought to herself. She ran home in a state of high excitement to tell her parents about the smart new soldiers.
人们都跑出房屋，聚集在狭窄的土路两旁鼓掌、欢呼。我母亲也挤到人群前头，她突然发现自己也跟着举手欢呼了，心想这才像打败日本人的军队。她奔回家中，激动地告诉父母，她看到了一些多神气的军人。
There was a festival atmosphere inJinzhou. People competed to invite troops to stay in their homes. One officer came to live with the Xias. He behaved extremely respectfully, and the family all liked him. My grandmother and Dr. Xia felt that the Kuomintang would maintain law and order and ensure peace at last.
锦州洋溢着节日气氛，人们争先恐后把军人请到家里住。一位军官也住进夏家，他举止文雅、谦恭，全家人都喜欢他。夏瑞堂和姥姥觉得国民党一定能维持好秩序，结束混乱，使人们有好日子过。谁知接踵而至的，是失望。
But the goodwill people had felt toward the Kuomintang soon turned to bitter disappointment. Most of the officials came from other parts of China, and talked down to the local people, addressing them as Wang-guo-nu ("Slaves who have no country of your own') and lecturing them about how they ought to be grateful to the Kuomintang for liberating them from the Japanese. One evening there was a party at my mother's school for the students and Kuomintang officers. The three-year-old daughter of one official recited a speech which began: "We, the Kuomintang, have been fighting the Japanese for eight years and have now saved you, who were the slaves of Japan .... My mother and her friends walked out.
从大后方——内地来的官员看不起当地人，称他们是“亡国奴”。并不时提醒他们应感激国民党把他们从日本人手中解救出来。我母亲的学校复课后，一天晚上举行了一场有军队、地方官员参加的联欢晚会，一个军官的三岁女儿背诵了一段演讲辞，一开头就是“我们园民党人抗战八年，救了你们这些亡国奴…”我母亲和她的朋友听了非常刺耳，一气之下就退了场。
My mother was also disgusted by the way the Kuomintang rushed to grab concubines. By early 1946 Jinzhou was filling up with troops. My mother's school was the only girls' school in town, and officers and officials descended on it in droves in search of concubines or, occasionally, wives. Some of the girls got married willingly, while others were unable to say no to their families, who thought that marrying an officer would give them a good start in life.
我母亲对国民党官员竞相讨姨太太的做法也大为反感。她的学校是全市唯一的女子中学。从1946年初开始，各类官员纷至沓来，找妻子的有之，找姨太太的更不乏其人。有些女学生甘愿出嫁，有的则不敢说个“不”字，因为她们的家庭把和大官联姻看作是走好运。
At fifteen, my mother was highly marriageable. She had grown into a very attractive and popular young woman, and she was the star pupil at her school. Several officers had already proposed, but she told her parents she did not want any of them. One, who was chief of staff of a general, threatened to send a sedan chair to carry her off after his gold bars had been refused. My mother was eavesdropping outside the door as he put this proposal to her parents.
十五岁的母亲，正值豆蔻年华，招人喜欢，又是学校中拔尖的学生。好些官员派人登门提亲，但她告诉父母，她一个也不嫁，要自己选择丈夫。她对妇女所受的待遇向来很气愤，又深恨姨太太制度。父母也都支持她，但又畏惧权贵，不得不绞尽脑汁对求亲者婉转推却。有位副官长在定亲金条被拒后，闯入夏家威胁要用花轿强抬人。藏在门外偷听的母亲听见后，掀开门帘冲进去对着他说：“如果要那样，我就死在花轿里！”幸运的是，不久这位副官长部队调防了。
She burst in and told him to his face that she would kill herself in the sedan chair. Fortunately, not long afterward his unit was ordered out of the city.
My mother had made up her mind to choose her own husband. She was disenchanted with the treatment of women, and hated the whole system of concubinage. Her parents supported her, but they were harassed by offers, and had to deploy intricate, nerve-racking diplomacy to find ways of saying no without unleashing reprisals.
One of my mother's teachers was a young woman called Miss Liu, who liked her very much. In China, if people are fond of you, they often try to make you an honor an member of their family. At this time, although they ~'ere not so segregated as in my grandmother's days, there were not many opportunities for boys and girls to mix, so being introduced to the brother or sister of a friend was a common way for young people who did not like the idea of arranged marriages to get to know each other. Miss Liu introduced my mother to her brother. But first Mr. and Mrs. Liu had to approve the relationship.
有位年轻的女教师刘小姐，挺喜欢我母亲。在中国，如果朋友很喜欢你，往往会设法把你变成他们家庭的一员。在当时男女独自相识机会少的情况下。把自己的朋友介绍给兄弟姐妹，就成为讨厌媒妁之言的年轻人彼此认识的一个渠道。刘小姐把我母亲介绍给她弟弟，当然先经刘家父母的认可。
Early in 1946, my mother was invited to spend the Chinese New Year at the Lius' house, which was quite grand. Mr. Liu was one of the biggest shop owners in Jinzhou. The son, who was about nineteen, seemed to be a man of the world; he was wearing a dark-green suit with a handkerchief sticking out of his breast pocket, which was tremendously sophisticated and dashing for a provincial town like Jinzhou. He was enrolled in a university in Peking, where he was reading Russian language and literature. My mother was very impressed with him, and his family approved of her. They soon sent a go-between to Dr. Xia to ask for her hand, without, of course, saying a word to her.
1946年春节，我母亲应邀来到刘家。刘老爷是当时锦州富商之一，刘少爷还不到二十，就俨然是个风流人物了。他身着墨绿色西服，上衣口袋露出折叠妥贴的手绢，在锦州这样的外省城市，简直是少见的派头。他是北京辅仁大学学生，学习俄语和俄国文学。我母亲颇为动心，刘家人也喜欢我母亲。
Dr. Xia was more liberal than most men of his time, and asked my mother how she felt about the matter. She agreed to be a 'friend' to young Mr. Liu. At that time, if a boy and a girl were seen talking to each other in public, they had to be engaged, at the minimum. My mother was longing to have some fun and freedom, and to be able to make friends with men without committing herself to marriage.
刘家很快派媒人向夏瑞堂提亲。夏瑞堂算是那个时代极开明的人，他问我母亲的想法。我母亲提出先做“朋友”，不作进一步的承诺，这在当时是很罕见的。传统男女在订婚前，不能成双成对出现在公共场合。可是我母亲向往快乐和自由，希望能跟男子作朋友而不一定非结婚不可。
Dr. Xia and my grandmother, knowing my mother, were cautious with the Lius, and declined all the customary presents. In the Chinese tradition, a woman's family often did not consent to a marriage proposal immediately,-as they should not appear too keen. If they accepted presents, this implicitly indicated consent. Dr. Xia and my grandmother were worried about a misunderstanding.
深知我母亲性格的夏瑞堂和姥姥退回了礼品。因为依照风俗，只要收礼，就意味定亲，以后就很难改变了。
My mother went out with young Liu for a while. She was rather taken with his urbanity, and all her relatives, friends, and neighbors said she had made a good match. Dr. Xia and my grandmother thought they were a handsome couple, and had privately settled on him as their son-inlaw. But my mother felt he was shallow. She noticed that he never went to Peking, but lounged around at home enjoying the life of a dilettante. One day she discovered he had not even read The Dream of the Red Chamber, the famous eighteenth-century Chinese classic, with which every literate Chinese was familiar. When she showed how disappointed she felt, young Liu said airily that the Chinese classics were not his forte, and that what he actually liked most was foreign literature. To try to reassert his superiority, he added: "Now, have you read Madame Bovary? That's my all-time favorite. I consider it the greatest of Maupassant's works."
我母亲开始和刘少爷来往，所有相识的人都说他们是天生地造的一对，夏瑞堂和姥姥也私下把刘少爷看作乘龙快婿了。但我母亲很快就看出他的浅薄，他从不去北京，整天在家里闲荡，过着公子哥儿的生活。有一天，她发现他居然没有读过《红楼梦》，我母亲觉得这简直不可思议。当她向刘少爷流露出失望的表情时，他轻描淡写地说：“中国古典小说并不合我的口味，我喜欢的是外国文学。”为了显示他更胜一筹，他反问我母亲：“你读过《包法利夫人》吗？这是我最崇拜的书。我认为它是莫泊桑的最伟大的作品。”
My mother had read Madame Bovary and she knew it was by Flaubert, not Maupassant. This vain sally put her off Liu in a big way, but she refrained from confronting him there and then to do so would have been considered 'shrewish."
我母亲读过《包法利夫人》，她知道作者是福楼拜而不是莫泊桑，顿时，她对刘少爷的好感一落千丈。她忍不住想拆穿他，但终究什么也没说，因为让男人出了丑，她就成了没教养的刻薄女人。
Liu loved gambling, particularly mahjongg, which bored my mother to death. One evening soon afterward, in the middle of a game, a female servant came in and asked: "Which maid would Master Liu like to serve him in bed?" In a very casual way, Liu said "So-and-so." My mother was shaking with anger, but all Liu did was to raise his eyebrow as though he was surprised at her reaction.
刘少爷好赌，特别是搓麻将，而我母亲对此厌烦之至。一天晚上，麻将搓得正酣，女仆走进来问道：“少爷，今晚要哪个女仆侍寝？”刘漫不经心地点了个名字。我母亲气得发抖，但刘只是抬了抬眼皮，表示对她如此强烈的反应感到不解，他故作惊讶地解释说：“这在日本非常普遍，他们称作‘侍寝’。”他想使我母亲感到自己太土气，太爱吃醋，吃醋在传统中被认为是女人最糟糕的品行之一，丈夫可以据此休妻。和上次一样，我母亲一言没发，但她已满腔怒火。
Then he said in a supercilious way: "This is a perfectly common custom in Japan. Everybody does it. It's called si-qin ("bed with service")." He was trying to make my mother feel she was being provincial and jealous, which was traditionally regarded in China as one of the worst vices in a woman, and grounds for a husband to disown his wife. Once again my mother said nothing, even though she was boiling with rage inside.
My mother decided she could not be happy with a husband who regarded flirtations and extramarital sex as essential aspects of 'being a man." She wanted someone who loved her, who would not want to hurt her by doing this sort of thing. That evening she made up her mind to end the relationship.
对她来说，与这样一个视调情和婚外艳史为理所当然的丈夫在一起，生活绝无幸福可言。她需要的丈夫应该真诚地爱她，不会做这些事来伤害她。从此时起，她打定主意结束与刘少爷的关系。
A few days later Mr. Liu senior suddenly died. In those days a spectacular funeral was very important, particularly if the dead person had been the head of the family. A funeral which failed to meet the expectations of the relatives and of society would bring disapproval on the family.
几天后，刘家老爷突然病故。因为刘家是名门，刘老爷又是一家之长，刘家决定大办丧事。头七天是入殓仪式，全家人跪在灵堂两旁守灵，请来的和尚端坐在灵堂前，齐声诵念《倒头经》。刘老爷的遗体被安放在一个精致的雕花檀香木棺材内。紧接下去，是嚎丧祭典仪式。参加仪式的不仅有所有家庭成员，还雇了专门办丧事的人前来陪哭。从此时起，一直到七七四十九天后的出殡下葬，嚎啕声从早到晚不能断。同时，要不断为死者烧冥钱，使他在另一个世界有足够的钱花。
The Lius wanted an elaborate ceremony, not simply a procession from the house to the cemetery. Monks were brought in to read the Buddhist sutra of' putting the head down' in the presence of the whole family. Immediately after this, the family members burst out crying. From then to the day of the burial, on the forty-ninth day after the death, the sound of weeping and wailing was supposed to be heard nonstop from early morning until midnight, accompanied by the constant burning of artificial money for the deceased to use in the other world. Many families could not keep up this marathon, and hired professionals to do the job for them. The Lius were too filial to do this, and did all the keening themselves, with the help of relatives, of whom there were many.
On the forty-second day after his death, the corpse which had been put in a beautifully carved sandalwood coffin was placed in a marquee in the courtyard. On each of the last seven nights before his interment the dead man was supposed to ascend a high mountain in the other world and look down on his whole family; he would only be happy if he saw that every member of his family was present and taken care of. Otherwise, it was believed, he would never find rest. The family wanted my mother to be there as the intended daughter-in-law.
死后第四十二天，刘老爷棺材被移人搭在院子里的篷帐内。在下葬前七天中的每个夜晚，死者将到另一个世界的高台——望乡台上俯视全家，只有家庭成员都在场，他才会放心离去。刘家急需未婚媳妇到场陪灵吊孝，一来满足富豪之家的体面，二来使刘老爷能看到儿媳妇。
She refused. She felt sad for old Mr. Liu, who had been kind to her, but if she attended, she would never be able to get out of marrying his son. Relays of messengers from the Liu family came to the Xia house.
我母亲拒绝了，对刘老爷的去世，她很悲痛，因他对她十分友善。但是，如果她去了，就摆脱不了和他儿子的婚姻，所以当刘家差遣的说客不断登门催促时，她不为所动。
Dr. Xia told my mother that breaking her relationship at this moment was tantamount to letting Mr. Liu senior down, and that this was dishonorable. Although he would not have objected to my mother breaking up with young Mr. Liu normally, he felt that under the circumstances her wishes should be subordinated to a higher imperative. My grandmother also thought she should go. In addition she said, "Who ever heard of a girl rejecting a man because he got the name of some foreign writer wrong, or because he had affairs? All rich young men like to have fun and sow their wild oats. Besides, you have no need to worry about concubines and maids. You're a strong character; you can keep your husband under control."
夏瑞堂不反对我母亲与刘少爷断绝往来。但她在这个时候采取这种作法对他来说是对不起死去的刘老爷，是很不光彩的。姥姥也焦急万分，她说：“街坊邻居都知道你和刘少爷的关系，现在人家有难，你甩手不管，让我和你爸爸的脸往哪儿搁？”她又很不理解地说，“谁听说过一个姑娘家拒婚的理由是这个男人弄错了外国作家的名字？说他爱沾花惹草，哪个富家子弟不干些这种事！你用不着担心姨太太、丫环和其他什么人，你那么能干，还怕管不了你的男人？”
This was not my mother's idea of the life she wanted, and she said so. In her heart, my grandmother agreed. But she was frightened about keeping my mother at home because of the persistent proposals from Kuomintang officers, "We can say no to one, but not to all of them," she told my mother.
但对我母亲来说，“管男人”不是她所想要的生活。我姥姥内心也很了解，只是她希望我母亲快嫁人，因为不断有国民党官员上门来提亲。她对我母亲说：
"If you don't marry Zhang, you will have to accept Lee. Think it over: isn't Liu much better than the others? If you marry him, no officer will be able to bother you anymore. I worry day and night about what may happen to you. I won't be able to rest until you leave the house." But my mother said she would rather die than marry someone who could not give her happiness and love.
“你不嫁张三，就得嫁李四，躲过初一，躲不过十五。你一天不离开家，我就一天放心不下。想想看，刘少爷是不是比其他人都好得多？”我母亲仍说她宁死也不愿嫁给一个不能带给她幸福和爱的人。
The Lius were furious with my mother, and so were Dr. Xia' and my grandmother. For days they argued, pleaded, cajoled, shouted, and wept, to no avail. Finally, for the first time since he had hit her as a child for sitting in his seat on the kang, Dr. Xia flew into a rage with my mother.
刘家对我母亲大为恼怒，夏瑞堂和姥姥也非常生气，他们使出浑身解数，连哄带哭带骂带劝，却毫无结果。夏瑞堂终于对我母亲大发雷霆：
"What you are doing is bringing shame on the name of Xia. I don't want a daughter like you!" My mother stood up and flung back the words: "All right, then, you won't have a daughter like me. I'm leaving!" She stormed out of the room, packed her things, and left the house.
“你丢尽了夏家的脸，我没有你这样的女儿！”我母亲从不记得他曾如此对待过她，“那我就不当你的女儿好了！”我母亲喊着，跑出房间，打点好自己的东西，径直走了。
In my grandmother's time, leaving home like this would have been out of the question. There were no jobs for women, except as servants, and even they had to have references. But things had changed. In 1946 women could live on their own and find work, like teaching or medicine, although working was still regarded as the last resort by most families. In my mother's school was a teacher training department which offered free board and tuition for girls who had completed three years in the school. Apart from an exam, the only condition for entry was that the graduates had to become teachers. Most pupils in the department were either from poor families who could not afford to pay for an education or people who did not think they had a chance to get into a university, and therefore did not want to stay on at the normal high school. It was only since 1945 that women could? contemplate getting into a university; under the Japanese, they could not go beyond high school, where they were mainly taught how to run a family.
在姥姥那个时代，离家出走是不可想象的，妇人无工作可找，最多只能当佣人，就算当佣人也要保人。但时代变了。1946年时，妇女可以自谋生路，能找到像教师、医生这样的工作。我母亲的学校有个师范班，为在此校读满三年初中的女学生提供免费食宿和教育，除了考试外，唯一入学条件是毕业后必须当教师。班里大部分的学生都来自付不起学费的穷人家或那些自认为考不上大学的人。
Up till now my mother had never considered going to this department, which was generally looked down on as second best. She had always thought of herself as university material. The department was a little surprised when she applied, but she persuaded them of her fervent wish to join the teaching profession. She had not yet finished her obligatory three years in the school, but she was known as a star pupil. The department gladly took her after giving her an exam which she passed with little difficulty. She went to live in the school.
上这个班被一般学生认为是下下策。我母亲一向自恃是上大学的材料，因而当她申请时，班上同学很吃惊。我母亲于是声明自己愿意献身教育。虽然她尚未读完三年初中，但她是出名的优等生，轻松地通过了考试。就这样，在离开家后，她住到了学校。
It was not long before my grandmother rushed over to beg her to come home. My mother was glad to have a reconciliation; she promised she would go home and stay often. But she insisted on keeping her bed on the campus; she was determined not to be dependent on anyone, however much they loved her. For her, the departmnent was ideal. It guaranteed her a job after graduation, whereas university graduates often could not find jobs. Another advantage was that it was free and
住校不久，姥姥就跑来央求她回家。她很高兴和父母和好如初，但坚持保留学校的床位。她决心不再依赖任何人，无论这个人多么爱护她。对她来说，师范班非常理想，它保证在毕业后有一份工作，那时大学毕业即失业很普遍。另一个好处是免费，因为夏瑞堂已开始受到经济恶化的影响。
Dr. Xia was already beginning to suffer the effects of the mismanagement of the economy.
The Kuomintang personnel put in charge of the factories those that had not been dismantled by the Russians were conspicuously unsuccessful at getting the economy moving again. They got a few factories working at well below full capacity, but pocketed most of the revenue themselves.
锦州未被俄国人拆卸运走的工厂，现被国民党接收，但他们不能使经济复苏。全城只有少数几家工厂在低水平运转，而大部分所得又落入他们的私囊。
Kuomintang carpetbaggers were moving into the smart houses which the Japanese had vacated. The house next door to the Xias' old house, where the Japanese official had lived, was now occupied by an official and one of his newly acquired concubines. The mayor ofJinzhou, a Mr. Han, was a local nobody. Suddenly he was rich from the proceeds of property confiscated from the Japanese and collaborators. He acquired several concubines, and the locals began to call the city government 'the Han household," as it was bulging with his relatives and friends.
国民党接收大员搬进了日本人腾空的漂亮住宅。紧靠夏家的那幢日本文官的住房，现在成了某国民党官员姨太太的私宅。锦州市长韩先生原是当地的一位“穷小子”。他通过没收日本人和汉奸的财产，成了暴发户，娶了几个姨太太。市政府被当地人称为“韩家大院”，因为里面大多数官员都和他沾亲带故。
When the Kuomintang took Yixian they released my great-grandfather, Yang, from prison or he bought his way out. The locals believed, with good reason, that Kuomintang officials made fortunes out of the ex-collaborators.
国民党占领义县后，我外曾祖父就从监狱里释放了出来。当地人说，这是他靠“贡献”全部财产换来的，老百姓盛传国民党大员靠没收财产发大财。
Yang tried to protect himself by marrying off his remaining daughter, whom he had had with one of his concubines, to a Kuomintang officer. But this man was only a captain, not powerful enough to give him any real protection.
为了保护自己，获释后的外曾祖父把自己和姨太太所生的女儿嫁给了一个国民党军官，但这人只是个连长，没能提供给他多少帮助。
Yang's property was confiscated and he was reduced to living as a beggar 'squatting by open drains," as the locals called it. When she heard about this, his wife told-her children not to give him any money or do anything to help him.
外曾祖父丢了官、财产，靠行乞为生，人称“蹲阳沟”。我外曾祖母听到这消息时，叮嘱孩子不要提供他任何帮助。
In 1947, a little more than a year after his release from jail, he developed a cancerous goiter on his neck. He realized he was dying and sent word to Jinzhou begging to see his children. My great-grandmother refused, but he kept sending messages entreating them to come. In the end his wife relented. My grandmother, Lan and Yu-lin set off for Yixian by train. It was ten years since my grandmother had seen her father, and he was a crumpled shadow of his former self. Tears streamed down his cheeks when he saw his children. They found it hard to forgive him for the way he had treated their mother and themselves and they spoke to him using rather distant forms of address. He pleaded with Yu-lin to call him Father, but Yu-lin refused.
1947年，外曾祖父颈部患了恶性肿瘤。他预感自己将不久于人世，三番两次托人带信到锦州，央求见见孩子。刚开始，外曾祖母拒绝了。但经不住再三恳求，她软下心肠。于是，我姥姥带着弟妹乘火车来到义县。这是十五年来，姥姥首次与父亲重逢。此时的外曾祖父已形容枯槁，难以辨认了。他看到孩子们时，努力想从炕席上撑起身子。希望与孩子们有个亲热的表示。可是孩子们只说了一句：“我们来了！”就站在门边一动不动，没有走近他。
Yang's ravaged face was a mask of despair. My grandmother begged her brother to call him Father, just once.
他露出不敢别有所求的神情说：“玉林，叫一声爸爸。”但玉林不吭声。外曾祖父老泪纵横，脸部不断抽搐。姥姥看不下去，恳求弟弟叫一声，同时把弟弟推向父亲。
Finally he did, through gritted teeth. His father took his hand and said: "Try to be a scholar, or run a small business. Never try to be an official. It will ruin you, the way it has ruined me." These were his last words to his family.
玉林终于咬紧牙关憋出一声“爸爸”。外曾祖父脸上才掠过一丝微笑，抖索地拉住儿子的手说，“做个小买卖，能养家糊口，合家团圆就知足了。不要当官，它会毁了你，就像毁了我一样。”这是他最后的话，他死时只有一位姨太太在旁守候，穷得连口棺材也买不起，尸体就用一个破箱子装着，草草埋掉，家里没有一个人替他送终。
He died with only one of his concubines at his side. He was so poor he could not even afford a coffin. His corpse was put in a battered old suitcase and buried without ceremony. Not one member of his family was there.
Corruption was so widespread that Chiang Kai-shek set up a special organization to combat it. It was called the "Tiger-Beating Squad," because people compared corrupt officials to fearsome tigers, and it invited citizens to send in their complaints. But it soon became apparent that this was a means for the really powerful to extort money from the rich.
官场腐败现象越来越严重，蒋介石不得不设立“打虎队”追查贪官污吏。队名由来是因老百姓把贪官污吏比作可怕的老虎。“打虎队”号召人们起来揭发贪污腐败。但事实证明。这不过是掌权人向富人勒索钱财的方法之一。
"Tiger-beating" was a lucrative job.
“打虎”本身油水就很多。
Much worse than this was the blatant looting. Dr. Xia was visited every now and then by soldiers who would salute punctiliously and then say in an exaggeratedly cringing voice: "Your honor Dr. Xia, some of our colleagues are very short of money. Could you perhaps lend us some?" It was unwise to refuse. Anyone who crossed the Kuomintang was likely to be accused of being a Communist, which usually meant arrest, and frequently torture. Soldiers would also swagger into the surgery and demand treatment and medicine without paying a penny. Dr. Xia did not particularly mind giving them free medical treatment he regarded it as a doctor's duty to treat anyone but the soldiers would sometimes just take the medicine without asking, and sell it on the black market. Medicines were in desperately short supply.
更使无权无势者头痛的是明目张胆的敲诈。大兵们几乎天天光顾夏瑞堂的诊所。先是装模作样地敬礼，接着用可怜巴巴的声调说，“大夫，咱们弟兄缺钱用，您老人家能不能借我们一点钱？”拒绝是不明智的，任何人胆敢和他们顶撞。就会被扣上一顶“共产党”帽子，抓进监狱，甚至受到严刑拷打。大兵们看病不给钱也是司空见惯的。夏瑞堂并不特别在乎这个，因为他认为医生的职责是治病救人。但令他痛心的是有些人随便拿贵重药品如人参、鹿茸等，转身就在黑市上卖高价，而当时连普通药品都奇缺。
As the civil war intensified the number of soldiers in Jinzhou rose. The troops of the central command, which came directly under Chiang Kai-shek, were relatively well disciplined, but the others received no pay from the central government and had to 'live off the land."
内战越演越烈，驻守锦州的士兵猛增。蒋介石直接领导的中央军纪律还算好些，那些无法从中央政府得到军饷的杂牌军，就只能“靠山吃山”了。
At the teacher training department my mother struck up a close friendship with a beautiful, vivacious seventeen year-old girl called Bai. My mother admired her and looked up to her. When she told Bai about her disenchantment with the Kuomintang, Bai told her to 'look at the forest, not the individual trees': any force was bound to have some shortcomings, she said. Bai was passionately pro-Kuomintang, so much so that she had joined one of the intelligence services. In a training course it was made clear to her that she was expected to report on her fellow students. She refused. A few nights later her colleagues in the course heard a shot from her bedroom. When they opened the door, they saw her lying on her bed, gasping, her face deathly white. There was blood on her pillow. She died without being able to say a word. The newspapers published the story as what was called a 'peach-colored case," meaning a crime of passion. They claimed she had been murdered by a jealous lover. But nobody believed this. Bai had behaved in a very demure manner where men were concerned. My mother heard that she had been killed because she had tried to pull out.
在师范班里，我母亲和一位白姑娘建立了友谊。她年方十七，漂亮、聪明、大方。在我母亲眼里，她是位可亲可敬的大姐姐。当我母亲向她诉说自己对国民党的不满时，白姑娘总是开导她，“你不能见木不见林，任何政权都有它的缺点。”白姑娘全心支持国民党，加入它的一个特务组织，任务是追查汉奸。但在一次特务集训中，上司要她暗中监视同学们，从她房里传出一声枪响，集训所的人赶去推开房门，发现她躺在床上，脸色灰白，嘴大张着喘气，满床是血，一句话也没说就死了。报纸将此事渲染成桃色情杀事件，但没人相信，因为白姑娘在男女关系上十分矜持。我母亲听说她被杀是因为要求退出特务组织。
The tragedy did not end there. Bai's mother was working as a live-in servant in the house of a wealthy family which owned a small gold shop. She was heartbroken at the death of her only daughter, and incensed by the scurrilous suggestions in the papers that her daughter had had several lovers who had fought over her and eventually killed her.
悲剧并未结束，白的母亲在一个银楼老板家当女佣。她对独生女的死肝肠寸断，更对报纸造谣说她女儿是因情人太多争风吃醋被杀而悲愤交加，不久也悬梁自尽了。她的雇主因此受到地头蛇敲诈，宣称是他把白母逼死，老板满足不了贪婪的勒索，只得关掉银楼了事。
A woman's most sacred possession was her chastity, which she was supposed to defend to the death. Several days after Bai's death, her mother hanged herself. Her employer was visited by thugs who accused him of being responsible for her death. It was a good pretext to extort money, and it did not take long for the man to lose his gold shop. One day there was a knock on the Xias' door and a man in his late thirties, dressed in Kuomintang uniform, came in and bowed to my grandmother, addressing her as 'elder sister' and Dr. Xia as 'elder brother-in-law." It took them a moment to realize that this smartly dressed, healthy, well fed man was Han-chen, who had been tortured and saved from the garrote, and whom they had hidden in their old house for three months and nursed back to health. With him, also in uniform, was a tall, slender young man who looked more like a college student than a soldier. Hanchen introduced him as his friend Zhu-ge. My mother immediately took to him.
有一天，姥姥忽听有人敲门，一位年约四十的中年汉子，穿着国民党军服，笑盈盈地走进来。一见姥姥，他深深地鞠躬，称她“大姐”，又称夏瑞堂“大姐夫”。好半天，他们才认出这个穿着神气、结实健康的人竟是那个从日本人绞刑机中死里逃生的王汉臣。和他一块来的是一个瘦高的年轻人，虽也戎装在身，但更像个读书人。王汉臣介绍说他叫诸葛，我母亲立即对他产生好感。
Since their last encounter Han-chen had become a senior official in Kuomintang intelligence, and was in charge of one of its branches for the whole of Jinzhou. As he left, he said: "Elder sister, I was given back my life by your family. If you ever need anything, anything at all, all you have to do is say the word and it will be done."
王汉臣现已是国民党情报组织的高级官员，负责主管驻防锦州的一支特务部队。他再三对夏瑞堂和姥姥说：“我的命是你们给的，我一定要报答。不管有什么事，开口说一声就行！”
Han-chen and Zhu-ge came to visit often, and Hanchen soon found jobs in the intelligence apparatus for both Dong, the former executioner who had saved his life, and my grandmother's brother-in-law Pei-o, the former prison warder.
王汉臣很快为姓董的刽子手和监狱看守佩欧在特务组织中找到差事。
Zhu-ge became very friendly with the family. He had been studying science at university in Tianjin and had fled to join the Kuomintang when the city had fallen into Japanese hands. On one of his visits my mother introduced him to Miss Tanaka, who had been living with the Xias.
诸葛也与夏家人十分亲密。他原在天津大学学自然科学，日本占领天津时，他跑到后方加入了国民党。我母亲把他介绍给了一直在夏家生活的田中小姐。
They hit it off, got married, and went to live in rented rooms. One day Zhu-ge was cleaning his gun when he accidentally touched the trigger and the gun went off. The bullet passed straight through the floor and killed the landlord's youngest son, who was in bed downstairs. The family did not dare to bring a charge against Zhu-ge because they were frightened of intelligence men, who could accuse anyone they chose to of being a Communist. Their word was law, and they had the power of life and death. Zhu-ge's mother gave the family a large sum of money as compensation. Zhu-ge was distraught, but the family did not even dare show any anger toward him. Instead, they showed exaggerated gratitude, out of fear that he might anticipate that they would be angry, and harm them. He found this hard to bear, and soon moved out.
两人一见倾心，不久结了婚，搬到外面租下一套公寓房子住。一次，诸葛擦枪不小心，碰动板机，子弹穿透地板，将正在楼下睡觉的房东儿子打死。这家人不敢声张，他们害怕特务，因为特务可以指控任何人是共产党，他们的话就是法律。诸葛的母亲给这家人一大笔钱作赔偿，诸葛为良心所折磨，深感不安。这家人却不但不露任何不满，反而做出万分感激的样子，怕诸葛会察觉他们情绪而害他们。诸葛终于忍受不了，另觅房子搬走了。
Lan's husband, Uncle Pei-o, prospered in the intelligence system and was so delighted with his new employers that he changed his name to "Xiao-shek' ("Loyalty to Chiang Kai-shek'). He was a member of a three-man group under Zhu-ge. Initially their job was to purge anyone who had been pro-Japanese, but very soon this slid into watching out for students showing pro-Communist sympathies. For a while, "Loyalty' Pei-o did what was asked of him, but his conscience soon began to trouble him; he did not want to be responsible for sending people to prison or choosing victims for extortion. He asked for a transfer and was given a job as a watchman at one of the city checkpoints. The Communists had left the city of Jinzhou but had not gone very far. They were engaged in constant battles with the Kuomintang in the surrounding countryside. The Jinzhou authorities were trying to keep. tight control over the most vital commodities to stop the Communists from getting hold of them.
玉兰丈夫佩欧在情报组织中干得十分得意，以至改名为“效石”，意为效忠蒋介石。他是诸葛手下三人特务小组成员之一，最初，他们的任务是追查过去的亲日分子；接着，变为监视学生中的亲共分子。开始，效石是叫他做什么就做什么。不久，他就要求换一份差事，因为他不想送人进监狱。他被派去做西门一带的稽查员，专防走私。共产党虽然离开了锦州城，但并没有走远，他们在城郊活动，与国民党军打游击。锦州当局试图严格管制那些主要生活必需品，以防落入共产党手中。那些把布匹、药品等必需品卖给共产党的人，被称作“走私犯”。
Being in intelligence gave "Loyalty' power, which brought him money. Gradually he began to change. He started smoking opium, drinking heavily, gambling, and frequenting brothels, and soon contracted a venereal disease. My grandmother offered him money to try to get him to behave, but he carried on as before. However, he could see that food was becoming increasingly scarce for the Xias, and often invited them to good meals at his house. Dr. Xia would not let my grandmother go.
效石有了权，发了财，慢慢就变了。他吸鸦片、酗酒、赌博、逛窑子，还染上梅毒。姥姥常劝他，但他就是不改。他觉得他比夏家人过得都称心，当他看到夏家因食品短缺而吃不上一顿好饭时，就每每邀请大家去他家吃饭。夏瑞堂坚决不去，也不让姥姥去，他说：“咱们不碰那些不义之食。”但美味佳肴的诱惑力委实难以抗拒，姥姥偶尔也带着玉林和我母亲偷偷到效石家去美餐一顿。
"Those are ill-gotten gains and we don't want to touch them," he said. But the thought of some decent food was sometimes too strong a temptation for my grandmother and occasionally she would sneak off to the Pei-o house with Yu-lin and my mother for a square meal.
When the Kuomintang first came to Jinzhou Yu-lin was fifteen years old. He had been studying medicine with Dr. Xia, who thought he had a promising future as a doctor.
国民党进入锦州时，玉林正好十五岁。他一直跟夏瑞堂学医，夏瑞堂说他是可造之材。
By now my grandmother had taken on the position of the female head of the family as her mother, sister, and brother were all dependent on her husband for a living, and she felt it was time Yu-lin got married. She soon settled on a woman who was three years older than him and came from a poor family, which meant she would be hard-working and capable. My mother went with my grandmother to see the prospective bride; when she came in to bow to the visitors in the sitting room, she was wearing a green velvet gown which she had had to borrow for the occasion. The couple were married in a registry office in 1946, the bride wearing a rented Western-style white silk veil. Yu-lin was sixteen and his wife was nineteen.
因为姥姥的母亲和弟弟都靠她丈夫生活，姥姥俨然是一家之主，得为玉林安排婚事。她认为出身贫寒意味能吃苦耐劳，因此很快就选中了一位穷人家女儿，比玉林大三岁。我母亲跟姥姥一块去相亲。未来的新娘进来行见面礼时，穿着一件绿丝绒旗袍，是特地借来的。这对年轻人于1946年在婚姻登记处注册结婚，新娘身穿租来的西式白色婚纱礼服，没坐轿子，用一辆西式马车接来。
My grandmother asked Han-chen to find Yu-lin a job.
姥姥还请王汉臣为玉林谋份差事。
One of the vital commodities was salt, and the authorities had forbidden selling it to the countryside. Of course, they were running a salt racket themselves. Han-chen got Yulin a job as a salt guard, and several times he was almost involved in serious skirmishes with Communist guerrillas and other Kuomintang factions who were trying to capture the salt. Many people were being killed in the fighting.
汉臣安排他去了盐警队。因为盐是生活必需品，当局严禁向共产党出没的农村地区销售。当然，官员们暗地都做私盐买卖。共产党游击队以及国民党军队常常因抢盐打仗。玉林好几次卷入战斗，眼见许多人丧生，觉得实在可怕，只干了几个月就辞职了。
Yu-lin found the job frightening, and was also tormented by his conscience. Within a few months he quit.
By this time, the Kuomintang was gradually losing control of the countryside, and was finding it harder and harder to get recruits. Young men were increasingly unwilling to become 'bomb ashes' (pao-hul). The civil war had become much more bloody, with enormous casualties, and the danger of being conscripted or simply impressed into the army was growing. The only way to keep Yu-lin out of uniform was to buy him some form of insurance, so my grandmother asked Han-chen to find him a job in intelligence. To her surprise, he refused, telling her it was no place for a decent young man.
这时，国民党逐渐对农村地区失去控制，越来越不容易征到兵。又因为内战的血腥味越来越浓，年轻人都不愿当“炮灰”。但国民党军队伤亡很大，需要补充，所以到处抓壮丁。怎样才能使玉林不被抓去当兵呢？姥姥只好又去找王汉臣，要他把玉林弄到特务组织里去。出乎姥姥意料，这回王汉臣拒绝了，说那不是正派年轻人立身之处。
My grandmother did not realize that Han-chen was in deep despair about his work. Like "Loyalty' Pei-o he had become an opium addict, and was drinking heavily and visiting prostitutes. He was visibly wasting away. Han-chen had always been a self-disciplined man, with a strong sense of morality, and it was most unlike him to let himself go in this way. My grandmother thought that the ancient remedy of marriage might pull him around, but when she put this to him he said he could not take a wife, because he did not want to live. My grandmotfier was shocked, and pressed him to tell her why, but Han-chen only started weeping and said bitterly that he was not free to tell her, and that she could not help anyway.
姥姥此时不知道王汉臣其实已对特务组织完全绝望，只见他吸毒、酗酒、嫖妓、滥赌，无所不为，心想他本是个自制力和正义感都很强的人，怎会落到这般地步？她提议替王汉臣找个妻子，想用婚姻拯救法拉他一把。但王汉臣却说他不能娶妻，因为他不想活了。姥姥惊诧之余，问他为什么。他流着泪说，他不能告诉她，而且说了她也帮不上忙。
Han-chen had joined the Kuomintang because he hated the Japanese. But things had turned out differently from what he had envisaged. Being involved in the intelligence system meant that he could hardly avoid having innocent blood of his' fellow Chinese on his hands. But he could not get out. What had happened to my mother's college friend Bai was what happened to anyone who tried to quit.
王汉臣参加国民党本是因为恨日本人。但事与愿违，在他的特务活动中，手上不可避免地沾上了同胞的鲜血。他良心受责，但又无路可遁，白姑娘的死就是对每个想退缩者的警告。自杀呢，又形同抗议，可能连累家人。
Han-chen probably felt that the only way out was to kill himself, but suicide was a traditional gesture of protest and might bring trouble to his family. Han-chen must have come to the conclusion that the only thing he could do was to die a 'natural' death, which was why he was going to such wild extremes in abusing his body and why he refused to take any treatment.
他唯一能做的就是慢性自杀，使自己“自然”死亡。这就是他疯狂摧残自己并拒绝任何治疗的原因。
On the eve of Chinese New Year 1947 he returned to his family home in Yixian to spend the festival period with his brother and his elderly father. As if he felt that this was to be their last meeting, he stayed on. He fell gravely ill, and died in the summer. He had told my grandmother that the only regret he would have in dying was not being able to fulfill his filial duty and hold a grand funeral for his father.
1947年春节，他回到家乡义县，与兄弟、年迈的父亲一起过年。他似乎预感到这是最后一次与亲人团聚，于是就一直待在家里。离开锦州前，他曾告诉姥姥，要是他死而有憾的话，那就是不能尽孝道：为父亲养老送终。那年夏天，他真的怀着憾意，让白发人送黑发人。
But he did not die without fulfilling his obligation to my grandmother and her family. Even though he refused to take Yu-lin into intelligence work, he acquired an identity card for him which said he was a Kuomintang intelligence official. Yu-lin never did any work for the intelligence system, but his membership guaranteed him against being conscripted, and he was able to stay and help Dr. Xia in the medicine shop.
不过，他对姥姥尽了最后一分力——为玉林搞到一张特务身份证，使他没有被抓去当兵。玉林没有为特务组织干过任何事，继续在夏瑞堂药房里做事。
One of the teachers at my mother's school was a young man named Kang, who taught Chinese literature. He was very bright and knowledgeable, and my mother respected him tremendously. He told her. and some other girls that he had been involved in anti-Kuomintang activities in the city of Kunming in southwest China, and that his girlfriend had been killed by a hand grenade during a demonstration.
我母亲学校里有位姓康的年轻教师，教国文。他知识渊博，我母亲很是敬重。他告诉我母亲和另外一些女生，他参加过昆明市的反国民党运动，他的女朋友在一次游行示威中被手榴弹炸死。
His lectures were clearly pro-Communist, and made a strong impression on my mother.
他的课有明显亲共倾向，我母亲对他印象深刻。
One morning in early 1947 my mother was stopped at the school gate by the old porter. He handed her a note and told her that Kang had gone. What my mother did not know was that Kang had been tipped off, as some of the Kuomintang intelligence agents were secretly working for the Communists. At the time my mother did not know much about the Communists, or that Kang was one of them. All she knew was that the teacher she most admired had had to flee because he was about to be arrested.
1947年初的一个早晨，我母亲在校门口被老校工叫住，告诉她康老师已经走了，并塞给她一张康老师留下的纸条。我母亲不知道是有人向他暗通了国民党要抓他的消息，也不知道国民党特务组织中藏有共产党人，他们通知黑名单上的人逃走。我母亲对共产党知之甚少，并不知康老师就是其中一员，她只知道自己爱戴的老师被国民党逼跑了。
The note was from Kang, and consisted of only one word: "Silence." My mother saw two possible meanings in this word. It could refer to a line from a poem Kang had written in memory of his girlfriend, "Silence in which our strength is gathering," in which case it might be an appeal not to lose heart. But the note could also be a warning against doing something impetuous. My mother had by then established quite a reputation for fearlessness, and she commanded support among the students.
纸条上写着两个字：沉默。我母亲从中体会到两个含意：这是康纪念其女友的诗中的一行，“沉默——无言抗议，积蓄着力量。”这是要她保持信心。另一种可能是警告她不要做任何鲁莽的事，因为我母亲素有胆大名声，而且在学生中有号召力。
The next thing she knew a new headmistress arrived. She was a delegate to the National Congress of the Kuomintang, reputedly with ties to the secret services. She brought with her a number of intelligence men, including one called Yao-han, who became the political supervisor, with the special task of keeping a watch on the students.
很快，母亲得知学校换了名女校长，她是国民党国大代表，和特务组织关系密切。她带来的人中，有一位叫尧寒的当上了政治主任，专门监视学生。而教务主任是国民党区分部书记兼的。
The academic supervisor was the district party secretary of the Kuomintang.
My mother's closest friend at this time was a distant male cousin called Hu. His father owned a chain of department stores in Jinzhou, Mukden, and Harbin, and had a wife and two concubines. His wife had produced a son, Cousin Hu, while the concubines had not. Cousin Hu's mother therefore became the object of intense jealousy on their part. One night when her husband was out of the house the concubines drugged her food and that of a young male servant, then put them into the same bed. When Mr. Hu came back and found his wife, apparently blind drunk, in bed with the servant, he went berserk; he locked his wife up in a tiny room in a remote corner of the house, and forbade his son to see her again. He had a sneaking suspicion that the whole thing might have been a plot by his concubines, so he did not disown his wife and throw her out, which would have been the ultimate disgrace (to himself as well as to her). He was worried that the concubines might harm his son, so he sent him away to boarding school in Jinzhou, which is how my mother met him, when she was seven and he was twelve. His mother soon went mad in her solitary confinement.
这段时间，我母亲最亲密的朋友是一位姓胡的远房表哥，他父亲的锦州、沈阳和哈尔滨拥有多处商号。胡父的两位姨太太没有生儿子，所以深恨胡表哥的母亲。一天晚上，当胡父外出时，她们在胡母和一位年轻男仆的饭里下了迷药，然后将两个剥光放在一张床上。胡父回家发现，勃然大怒，把妻子关在大院深处一间小屋子里，并不许儿子去看她。不过胡父也觉得此事蹊跷，怀疑是姨太太做的手脚，因此没有休妻，也没有赶她出门。当然，他也害怕家丑外扬。他担心姨太太加害儿子，便把胡表哥送到锦州寄宿学校。就这样，他认识了我母亲。当时我母亲七岁，胡表哥十二岁。不久，胡母在囚室里发了疯。
Cousin Hu grew up to be a sensitive boy who kept to himself. He never got over what had happened, and occasionally talked to my mother about it. The story made my mother reflect on the blighted lives of women in her own family and on the numerous tragedies that had happened to so many other mothers, daughters, wives, and concubines. The powerlessness of women, the barbarity of the age-old customs, cloaked in 'tradition' and even 'morality," enraged her. Although there had been changes, they were buried by the still overwhelming prejudice. My mother was impatient for something more radical.
胡表哥是一个敏感内向的青年，母亲的疯一直像梦魇一样压在他心头，他时常对母亲谈起此事。我母亲由此想起自己家里的女人和所听说的许多母亲、女儿、妻子、姨太太的悲剧。女人的无权地位，那些披着“传统”甚至“道德”外衣的野蛮残忍的风俗习惯，不断激怒她。尽管社会在不断变化，但偏见仍然存在，她急不可耐地盼望着激进的变革。
In her school she learned that one political force had openly promised change the Communists. The information came from a close friend of hers, an eighteen-year old girl called Shu who had broken with her family and was staying in the school because her father had tried to force her into an arranged marriage with a boy of twelve.
她在学校里得知有一支政治势力公开保证这样的变革，这就是共产党。带来这一信息的是她的亲密朋友舒姑娘。十八岁的舒姑娘因与家庭关系破裂而搬到学校住宿，原因是她父亲强迫她和一个年仅十二岁的男孩成婚。
One day Shu bade farewell to my mother: she and the man she was secretly in love with were running away to join the Communists.
一天，她来向我母亲告别，说她要和偷偷相爱的男人逃去参加共产党。“他们是我们的希望。”她走时说。
"They are our hope," were her parting words.
It was about this time that my mother became very close to Cousin Hu, who had realized that he was in love with her when he found that he was very jealous of young Mr. Liu, whom he regarded as a dandy. He was delighted when she broke up with Liu, and came to see my mother almost every day.
我母亲和胡表哥越来越亲密。胡表哥是在发现自己对刘少爷很嫉妒时，意识到自己爱上了我母亲的。他看不起刘，说他是个花花公子。我母亲与刘家断绝关系后，他非常高兴，几乎天天来看她。
One evening in March 1947 they went to the cinema together. There were two kinds of tickets: one for a seat; the other, which was much cheaper, for standing only.
1947年3月的一个晚上，他俩一块去电影院。电影院分坐票和便宜得多的站票。胡表哥为我母亲买了张坐票，自己却是站票。
Cousin Hu bought my mother a seat, but a standing ticket for himself, saying he did not have enough money on him.
他解释说他的钱不够多，但我母亲知道他在撒谎，因为他父亲总是拿大把的钱给他。
My mother thought this was a bit odd, and so she stole a glance in his direction every now and then. Halfway through the film she saw a smartly dressed young woman approach him, slide by him slowly, and then, for a split second, their hands touched. She got up at once and insisted on leaving. When they got outside she demanded an explanation. At first Cousin Hu tried to deny that anything had happened; when my mother made it clear she was not going to swallow this, he said he would explain later. There were things my mother could not understand, he said, because she was too young. When they reached her house, she refused to let him in. Over the next few days he called repeatedly, but my mother would not see him.
电影放映时，我母亲不时用眼角余光瞟着胡表哥。忽然，她看见一位打扮时髦的年轻女子走近他，缓缓从他身边走过，霎那间，两人的手碰在一起了。我母亲马上站起来，坚持要走。在回家的路上，她要胡表哥作解释。开始时胡表哥一概否认，后来又说我母亲太年轻，有些事还不理解，也不应该知道。我母亲气坏了，不让他进夏家大门。虽然胡表哥接着几天不断来访，但我母亲不见他。
After a while, she was ready for an apology and a reconciliation, and would keep looking out toward the gate to see if he was there. One evening, when it was snowing hard, she saw him coming into the courtyard accompanied by another man. He did not make for her part of the house, but went straight to where the Xias' tenant, a man called Yu-wu, was living. After a short time Hu reemerged and walked briskly over to her room. With an urgent edge to his voice, he told her he had to leave Jinzhou immediately, as the police were after him. When she asked him why, all he said was, "I am a Communist," and disappeared into the snowy night.
过了一段时间，我母亲心软了，准备接受他道歉。她天天盼着胡表哥来，不时朝门口张望，看他是不是在那儿。一天晚上，雪下得很大。突然，她望见他跟着一个人走进了院子。但他没有往夏家，而是径直朝夏家的一位名叫毓武的房客那里走去。很快，他又出现了，直奔我母亲房间。他急促地对我母亲说：“我必须马上走，警察正在四处抓我。”“为什么？”我母亲紧张地问。他只说了一句，“我是共产党。”便转身消失在雪夜中。
It dawned on my mother that the incident in the cinema must have been a clandestine mission of Cousin Hu's. She was heartbroken, as there was now no time to make up with him. She realized that their tenant, Yu-wu, must also be an underground Communist. The reason Cousin Hu had been brought to Yu-wu's quarters was to hide there.
我母亲这才明白胡表哥在电影院里正是完成某个秘密使命。她又急又悔，痛苦万分，心想一切都晚了，再也没时间跟胡表哥和好了。她也猜到她家的房客毓武必定是个共产党，胡表哥被人带到他那里是为了在他那里藏起来。
Cousin Hu and Yu-wu had not known each other's identity until this evening. Both of them realized it was out of the question for Cousin Hu to stay there, as his relationship with my mother was too well known, and if the Kuomintang came to the house to look for him Yu-wu would be discovered as well. That same night Cousin Hu tried to make for the Communist-controlled area, which lay about twenty miles beyond the city boundaries. Some time later, as the first buds of spring were bursting out, Yu-wu received news that Hu had been captured as he left the city. His escort had been shot dead. A later report said Hu had been executed.
毓武与胡表哥在此之前虽相识，但并不知彼此的共产党身份。这时双方明白，胡表哥在这儿藏不得，因为他和我母亲的关系人所共知，警察一定会到这里找人，这样毓武也可能暴露身份。当晚，胡表哥逃往城外二十哩处的共产党控制区。当第一批春蕾绽开在枝头上时，毓武得知胡在途中被抓，他的护送人员被打死。不久又得到消息，胡表哥被处死了。
My mother had been turning more and more strongly against the Kuomintang for some time. The only alternative she knew was the Communists, and she had been particularly attracted by their promises to put an end to injustices against women. Up to now, at the age of fifteen, she had not felt ready to commit herself fully. The news of Cousin Hu's death made her mind up. She decided to join the Communists.
胡表哥的死讯在我母亲心里造成的悲哀是无以复加的。长久以来她已不满国民党的统治。当时除了国民党，她知道的只有共产党，又特别为共产党的妇女解放主张所吸引。十五岁时，她还不确知是否要加入共产党。可是现在一切都变了，国民党杀了她心爱的人，我母亲决心投奔共产党。