7 "Going through the Five Mountain Passes"
七 “过五关”
——My Mother's Long March (1949-1950)
——我母亲的长征(1949—1950年)
Just before my parents left Jinzhou, my mother was granted provisional membership in the Party, thanks to the deputy mayor who oversaw the Women's Federation, who argued that she needed it because she was going to a new place.
我母亲离开锦州之前，一向同情她的组织部长坚持要妇联吸收她为共产党预备党员。这位部长说她该入党了，因为她要到新地方去工作，那里不了解她，入党会很难。
The decision meant she could become a full member in one year's time, if she was deemed to have proved herself worthy.
这个决定意味着在一年之内，只要她能用行动证明，就可以成为正式党员。
My parents were to join a group of over a hundred people traveling to the southwest, most of them to Sichuan.
我父母加入了一群有一百多人的队伍、往西南进发，大多数人是嫁给四川人的东北人。
The bulk of the group were men, Communist officials from the southwest. The few women were Manchurians who had married Sichuanese. For the journey they were organized into units and given green army uniforms. The civil war was still raging in their path.
为了这次行军，所有人被编成部队建制，换下灰色干部装，穿上绿色军服。内战仍在他们途经的地方激烈地进行着。
On 27 July 1949 my grandmother, Dr. Xia, and my mother's closest friends, most of whom were under suspicion from the Communists, came to the station to see them off. As they stood on the platform saying goodbye, my mother felt torn by contradictory feelings. With one part of her heart she felt like a bird which was now going to burst out of its cage and fly to the sky. With the other part she wondered when or if- she would ever see these people she loved, particularly her mother, again. The journey was fraught with danger, and Sichuan was still in the hands of the Kuomintang. It was also 1,000 miles away, inconceivably far, and she had no idea if she would ever be able to get back to Jinzhou. She felt an overwhelming desire to cry, but she held back her tears because she did not want to make her mother sadder than she already was.
1949年7月27日，姥姥、夏瑞堂和我母亲最亲近的朋友，都到车站为他们送行。朋友中有好些仍受共产党的怀疑。离别时，我母亲内心充满矛盾。一方面，她觉得自己就要摆脱困境，像一只笼中鸟突破樊笼、飞向一空。另一方面，又觉得万分难舍，什么时候才能再见到这些至爱的人。特别是她的母亲呢？旅途凶吉未卜，四川当时仍在国民党手中，而且行程约有一千哩，真是难以置信的遥远！将来不知道自己能否再回锦州。她想放声大哭，但又强忍住眼泪，不想让母亲太难过。
As the platform slipped out of sight my father tried to comfort her. He told her that she must be strong, and that as a young student 'joining the revolution' she needed to 'go through the five mountain passes' which meant adopting a completely new attitude to family, profession, love, life-style, and manual labor, through embracing hardship and trauma. The Party's theory was that educated people like her needed to stop being 'bourgeois' and become closer to the peasants, who formed over 8o percent of the population. My mother had heard these theories a hundred times. She accepted the need to reform oneself for a new China; in fact she had just written a poem about meeting the challenge of 'the storm of sand' in her future. But she also wanted more tenderness and personal understanding, and she resented the fact that she did not get them from my father.
当站台渐渐从视野中消失时，我父亲安慰她要坚强起来，告诉她“参加革命”的青年知识分子，必须“过五关”，即通过艰苦的磨练，对家庭、学业、爱情、生活、体力劳动保持一种全新的态度。共产党的理论是知识分子应去除“小资产阶级劣根性”，向占人口百分之八十的农民看齐。我母亲已听过无数次这样的理论，她承认要为新中国奋斗就得改造自己，她刚写了一首诗，里面有这样一句：“脱掉绣花衫，迎接满天的风沙。”但她也需要温柔和体贴，可惜没能从我父亲那里得到。
When the train reached Tianjin, about 25o miles to the southwest, they had to stop because the line ended. My father said he would like to take her around the city. Tianjin was a huge port where the United States, Japan, and a number of European states had until recently had 'concessions," extraterritorial enclaves (General Xue had died in the French concession in Tianjin, although my mother did not know this). There were whole quarters built in different foreign styles, with grandiose buildings: elegant turn-of-the-century French palaces; light Italian pa lazzi overblown, late rococo Austro-Hungarian townhouses. It was an extraordinary condensation of display by eight different nations, all of whom had been trying to impress one another and the Chinese. Apart from the squat, heaD', gray Japanese banks, familiar from Manchuria, and the green-roofed Russian banks, with their delicate pink-and yellow walls, it was the first time my mother had ever seen buildings like these. My father had read a lot of foreign literature, and the descriptions of European buildings had always fascinated him. This was the first time he had seen them with his own eyes. My mother could tell he was going to a lot of trouble to try to fire her with his enthusiasm, but she was still down in the dumps as they strolled along the streets, which were lined with heavily scented Chinese scholar trees. She was already missing her mother, and she could not rid herself of her anger against my father for not saying anything? sympathetic, and for his stiffness, although she knew he was trying, awkwardly, to help her out of her mood.
到了天津时，没有火车坐了，因为往南去的铁路因黄河泛滥和战争破坏已停止运行。我父亲建议在天津城里转转，想纾解一下我母亲因离别而生的哀伤与郁闷。天津是一个大港口城市，近代美国、日本和一些欧洲国家都在这里拥有租界。薛之珩就曾隐退在天津的法租界里，尽管我母亲当时并不知道此事。这里一区一区的建筑都有不同的异国情调：建于本世纪初的巍峨法国式宫殿，明亮雅致的意大利宅邸，浮华的晚期洛可可式奥匈帝国小楼，就像各国在这里举行了一个彼此炫耀，也向中国人炫耀的荟萃展览。母亲在东北看惯的尽是低矮、单色调的日本银行以及绿屋顶浓黄色墙的俄国银行，如今这些奇风异格的建筑令她眼界大开。父亲也是第一次观赏到这种景致，以往他只是在外国文学作品中读到有关这些欧洲的建筑风格。当他们沿着散发出浓烈槐香的林荫大道漫步时，我母亲能感到我父亲正兴致勃勃地尽力想把自己的兴奋感染给她。但她仍旧情绪低落，不仅想念母亲，内心还愤愤不平，埋怨我父亲不会说一句体贴话，不会表达温情。
The broken railway line was only the beginning. They had to continue their journey on foot, and the route was peppered with local landlords' forces, bandits, and units of Kuomintang soldiers who had been left behind as the Communists advanced. There were only three rifles in the entire group, one of which my father had, but at each stage along the route the local authorities sent a squad of soldiers as an escort, usually with a couple of machine guns.
铁路线的中断是“长征”的开端，他们得靠两条腿继续行程。共产党军队忙着向前推进，后方还存在地主武装、土匪和残余国民党部队。我父亲这支百十来人的队伍只有三支枪，一支在父亲手里。好在每到一地，当地政府都派一队士兵护送，带着一、两挺机枪。
They had to walk long distances every day, often on rough paths, carrying their bedrolls and other belongings on their backs. Those who had been in the guerrillas were used to this, but after one day the soles of my mother's feet were covered with blisters. There was no way she could stop for a rest. Her colleagues advised her to soak her feet in hot water at the end of the day and to let the fluid out by piercing the blisters with a needle and a hair.
他们每天必须步行很长的一段距离，背着铺盖卷和随身用品。对那些打过游击的人来说，这算是小事一桩，但我母亲从没有这样走过，一天下来，满脚水泡。到了晚上，她把脚泡在热水里，按照同事教的方法，用针和头发挑破水泡，挤出积水。
This brought instant relief, but the next day it was laceratingly painful when she had to start walking again. Each morning she gritted her teeth and struggled on.
这样做能带来短暂的轻松和舒服，但第二天再上路时，却是一阵阵钻心的痛。她不可能停下来，只能咬紧牙关，挣扎着往前走。
Much of the way there were no roads. The going was appalling, especially when it rained: the earth became a mass of slippery mud, and my mother fell down more times than she could count. At the end of the day she would be covered with mud. When they reached their destination for the night, she would collapse on the ground and just lie there, unable to move.
大部分旅程无大路可走，泥土的小路天晴时还好说，一下雨就是一片泥泞，又烂又滑。我母亲记不清摔过多少次跤了。每到住地，浑身是泥，得先找水洗衣服，再弄火烤干。一连几天这样折腾下来，我母亲一到住地就筋疲力竭地瘫倒了。
One day they had to walk over thirty miles in heavy rain. The temperature was well over 9o F, and my mother was soaked to the skin with rain and sweat. They had to climb a mountain not a particularly high one, only about 3,000 feet, but my mother was completely exhausted. She felt her bedroll weighing on her like a huge stone. Her eyes were clogged with sweat pouring from her forehead. When she opened her mouth to gasp for air, she felt she could not get enough into her lungs to breathe. Thousands of stars were dancing before her eyes and she could hardly drag one foot in front of the other. When she got to the top she thought her misery was over, but going downhill was almost as difficult. Her calf muscles seemed to have turned to jelly. It was wild country, and the steep, narrow path ran along the edge of a cliff, with a drop of hundreds of feet. Her legs were trembling and she felt sure she was going to fall into the abyss. Several times she had to cling to trees to keep from toppling over the cliff.
一天，他们在大雨中步行，气温高达30摄氏度以上，母亲内衣被汗水浸透，外衣又被雨水打湿。当队伍开始翻爬一座三千尺高的山时，她浑身已是一点劲儿也没有了，身上的背包像千斤重的巨石，汗水混杂着雨水顺着前额往下淌，眼前一片迷蒙，金花四冒。她大口大口地喘粗气，双腿像灌了铅一样沉重，世界变得毫无意义了，只剩下挣扎，拼命机械地抬脚、移步。好不容易挪到山顶，才稍为松口气：下山总该容易些吧？谁知更难，倾斜的山势，又陡又窄的小道，一边是峭壁，一边是深沟，她的小腿肌肉发软、发抖，抖得厉害，难以举步，路又滑得历害。好几次，她紧紧抱住树干，才没有跌下山涧。
After they had crossed the mountain there were several deep, fast-flowing rivers in their path. The water level rose to her waist and she found it almost impossible to keep her footing. In the middle of one river she stumbled and felt she was about to be swept away when a man leaned over and caught hold of her. She almost broke down and wept, particularly since at this very moment she spotted a friend of hers whose husband was carrying her across the river.
翻过山，又是河，水深齐腰。她在水中也站不稳，到了河中间时，一股急流扑来，她身体晃，跟看就要摔倒，幸好旁边一位男子一把拉住了她。就在此时，母亲望见一位与她同等级的女人正坐在她丈夫的车里，母亲差点要哭出来。
Although the husband was a senior official, and had the right to use a car, he had waived his privilege in order to walk with his wife.
My father was not carrying my mother. He was being driven along in a jeep, with his bodyguard. His rank entitled him to transportation either a jeep or a horse, whichever was available. My mother had often hoped that he would give her a lift, or at least carry her bedroll in his jeep, but he never offered. The evening after she almost drowned in the river, she decided to have it out with him.
这位先生和我父亲一样，也是位高级官员，他们的职位可以在行军中乘吉普车或骑马。我母亲经常希望丈夫能主动让她搭车，或至少帮她带上背包，但我父亲从来不开口。就在她差点淹死在河里的那晚，她向父亲提出，要他偶尔让她搭吉普车，她说自己累得不得了，又经常呕吐。
She had had a terrible day. What was more, she was vomiting all the time. Could he not let her travel in his jeep occasionally? He said he could not, because it would be taken as favoritism since my mother was not entitled to the car. He felt he had to fight against the age-old Chinese tradition of nepotism. Furthermore, my mother was supposed to experience hardship. When she mentioned that her friend was being carried by her husband, my father replied that that was completely different: the friend was a veteran Communist. In the 193OS she had commanded a guerrilla unit jointly with Kim II Sung, who later became president of North Korea, fighting the Japanese under appalling conditions in the northeast. Among the long list of sufferings in her revolutionary career was the loss of her first husband, who had been executed on orders from Stalin. My mother could not compare herself to this woman, my father said. She was only a young student. If other people thought she was being pampered she would be in trouble.
父亲说他不能这样做，按规定母亲没有资格乘车，坐他的车就是“夫荣妻贵”。父亲认为他必须破除中国传统的沾亲带故恶习，而且我母亲身为知识分子，更就该经受磨练。“那为什么那位女干部能乘丈夫的车？”母亲问道，父亲解释说，她是一位“老革命”，有特殊理由这样做。她在三十年代就和后来成为朝鲜首相的金日成共同指挥过一支游击队，在东北与日本人作战。在漫长的革命生涯中，她历尽磨难，第一任丈夫就是被斯大林下令处决的。“你不能和她比，”我父亲说，“你不过是个青年学生，如果别人说你娇气，会严重影响你的前途，我是为你好。”他提醒她，她只是个预备党员，能否转来正式党员，还有待批准。“你只能选择一个”，他说，“坐车或者入党，两者不能兼得。”
"It's for your own good," he added, reminding her that her application for full Party membership was pending.
"You have a choice: you can either get into the car or get into the Party, but not both."
He had a point. The revolution was fundamentally a peasant revolution, and the peasants had an unrelentingly harsh life. They were particularly sensitive about other people enjoying or seeking comfort. Anyone who took part in the revolution was supposed to toughen themselves to the point where they became inured to hardship. My father had done this at Yan'an and as a guerrilla.
我父亲有道理。中国革命基本上是场农民革命，农民都曾有过艰苦的生活经历，对追求享受和安逸的人都特别敏感，因而参加革命的人按规矩必须锻炼自己对艰苦生活甘之如饴。我父亲自己在延安及后来在东北打游击时，就经历了这些磨练。
My mother understood the theory, but that did not stop her thinking about the fact that my father was giving her no sympathy while she was sick and exhausted the whole time, trudging along, carrying her bed roll, sweating, vomiting, her legs like lead.
我母亲也懂得这道理，但在她辗转跋涉、生病、疲乏、流汗、呕吐、背包像山一样沉，腿如铅块重时，她就忍不住要抱怨丈夫没有给自己应有的同情和帮助。宿营地多在小学教室、空出来的仓库或废弃的庙宇里，男女挤在地上一个挨一个睡下。
One night she could not stand it anymore, and burst into tears for the first time. The group usually stayed overnight in places like empty storerooms, or classrooms. That night they were all sleeping in a temple, packed close together on the ground. My father was lying next to her.
当晚，我母亲再也控制不住了了，第一次哭了起来。我父亲就躺在她旁边，她转身背对着他，将头埋在双臂里，试图捂住哭声。我父亲马上醒过来，忙用手蒙住她的嘴，悄悄在她耳边说：“别出声！别人听见了，你就得挨批！”当时被批评是件非常严重的事。她的同志们会说她不配当革命者，是个意志薄弱的胆小鬼。父亲急忙塞一给她一条手帕，让她捂住哭声。
When she first started crying, she turned her face away from him and buried it in her sleeve, trying to muffle her sobs. My father woke up at once and hurriedly clapped his hand over her mouth. Through her tears she heard him whispering into her ear: "Don't cry out loud!? If people hear you, you will be critcized." To be criticized was serious. It meant her comrades would say she was not worthy of 'being in the revolution," even a coward. She felt him urgently pushing a handkerchief into her hand so that she could stifle her sobs.
The next day my mother's unit head, the man who had saved her from falling over in the river, took her aside and told her he had received complaints about her crying. People were saying she had behaved like 'a precious lady from the exploiting classes." He was not unsympathetic, but he had to reflect what other people were saying. It was disgraceful to cry after walking a few steps, he said. She was not behaving like a proper revolutionary. From then on, though she often felt like it, my mother never cried once.
天亮后，母亲所属的小队党支部书记——也就是那位渡河时救过她的男人，把她叫到一边说，同志们对他的哭泣有意见，说她就像“一个剥削阶级的娇小姐”。这位书记不是不同情她，但他也不得不转达其他人的批评。他说走几步路就哭，太丢人。从此后，我母亲再也没哭过。
She slogged on. The most dangerous area they had to go through was the province of Shandong, which had fallen to the Communists only a couple of months previously. On one occasion they were walking through a deep valley when bullets started pouring down on them from above. My mother took cover behind a rock. The shooting went on for about ten minutes, and when it died down they found that one of their group had been killed trying to get around behind the assailants, who turned out to be bandits. Several others were injured. They buffed the dead man by the roadside. My father and the other officials gave up their horses to the injured.
这次“长征”最危险的地段是在刚被共产党占领的山东省境内。这一天，当他们在一个山谷里行进时，一阵密集的子弹从山上打下来，队伍立刻疏散找掩体，我母亲躲在一块大岩石后面。护送他们的解放军分路攻击山头，双方互射了约十分钟后，偷袭者逃跑了。有一位战士中弹身亡，有几位负伤。大家动手埋了死者，我父亲和其他官员把马让给伤员。
After forty days of marching and more skirmishes they reached the city of Nanjing, about 700 miles due south of Jinzhou, which had been the capital of the Kuomintang government. It is known as 'the Furnace of China," and in mid-September it was still like an oven. The group was housed in a barracks. The bamboo mattress on my mother's bed had a dark human figure imprinted on it by the sweat of those who had slept there before her. The group had to do military training in the sweltering heat, learning how to tie up a bedroll, puttees, and knapsack on the double, and practicing quick marching carrying their kits. As part of the army, they had to observe strict discipline. They wore khaki uniforms and rough cotton shirts and underwear. Their uniforms had to be buttoned right up to the neck and they were never allowed to unbutton the collar. My mother found it hard to breathe, and like everyone she had a huge dark patch of sweat covering her back. They also wore a double-thickness cotton cap, which had to fit tightly around the head so that it did not show any hair. This made my mother perspire profusely, and the edge of her cap was permanently soaked in sweat.
经过四十天的行军和若干小规模战斗，他们到达了锦州南面七百哩处的南京市。这里原是国民党的首都，有中国的“火炉”之称。眼下已是9月中旬，还是热得像进了烤箱。他们被编入西南服务团，住进一所营房。母亲床上的竹凉席上有一个人形汗渍印，这是以前住过的人留下的。从到达之日起，他们天天接受军事训练，打绑腿、打背包、顶着酷日急行军。身为军队的一部分，他们必须严守纪律，得穿粗厚的卡其布军服和粗土布衬衣内裤。制服的钮扣直扣到脖子上，热得发昏也不准解开透透风。和大家一样，我母亲总是热得喘不过气来，制服背后一大块汗渍印。他们戴着军帽，帽子紧紧扣在头上，头发不准外露，母亲的帽边一直浸在汗水中。
Occasionally they were allowed out, and the first thing she did was to devour several ice lollipops. Many of the people in the group had never been in a big city, apart from their brief stop at Tianjin. They were tremendously excited by the ice lollipops, and bought some to take back to their comrades in the barracks, wrapping them up carefully in their white hand towels and putting them in their bags. They were amazed when they got back to find that all that was left was water.
偶尔，他们获准可以外出，母亲做的头一件事就是一下子吃好几根冰棒。除了上次在天津短暂逗留外，同行的好些人从没有过大城市，他们对冰棒好奇极了，有的人还买了一些，小心翼翼用毛巾包起来放进包里，带回营房给其他同志。等他们回到营房打开包时，惊讶地发现冰棒都已化成水。
At Nanjing they had to attend political lectures, some of which were given by Deng Xiaoping, the future leader of China, and General Chen Yi, the future foreign minister.
除了军训就是政治课，讲课的多是些大人物，有未来的领袖邓小平，有后来当上外交部长的陈毅元帅。
My mother and her colleagues sat on the lawn at the Central University, in the shade, while the lecturers stood in the blazing sun for two or three hours at a stretch. In spite of the heat, the lecturers mesmerized their audience.
我母亲和战友们坐在中央大学绿油油草坪上的树荫下听课，讲演者则站在大太阳下，一讲就是几个小时，深入浅出，妙趣横生，听得大家入迷。
One day my mother and her unit had to run several miles on the double, fully laden, to the tomb of the founding father of the republic, Sun Yat-sen. When they returned, my mother felt an ache in her lower abdomen.
一天，我母亲的班上进行负重行军训练，跑步登紫金山，到中山陵。回营房时，她觉得下腹隐隐作痛。
There was a performance of the Peking Opera that night in another part of the city, with one of China's most famous stars in the lead. My mother had inherited her mother's passion for the Peking Opera and was looking forward eagerly to the performance.
晚上在国民党中央大礼堂有京剧表演，由当时最红的名角主演。母亲和姥姥一样是个戏迷，所以没管肚子痛的事，一股劲儿想去看这场演出。
That evening she walked with her comrades in file to the opera, which was about five miles away. My father went in his car. On the way, my mother felt more pain in her abdomen, and contemplated turning back, but decided against it. Halfway through the performance the pain became unbearable. She went over to where my father was sitting and asked him to take her home in his car. She did not tell him about the pain. He looked round to where his driver was sitting and saw him glued to his seat, openmouthed. He turned back to my mother and said: "How can I interrupt his enjoyment just because my wife wants to leave?" My mother lost any desire to e~la'm that she was in agony and turned abruptly away.
当晚，她跟大部分人列队走到五哩外的剧院。父亲乘小车去。在路上，她又觉得肚子疼痛加剧，想返回，又舍不得放弃难得的京剧。结果演出一半时，她实在痛得难以忍受，就走到父亲座位前，要他用车把她送回去。她还没来得及提肚子痛这件事，父亲就回头看他的司机，发现司机正如痴如醉地沉浸在台上表演中。于是他对母亲说：“看他看得多起劲，我怎能为送老婆而打断别人的兴致呢？”母亲懒得再解释，掉头就走了。
She walked all the way back to the barracks in excruciating pain. Everything in front of her eyes was spinning. She saw blackness with sharp stars and felt as though she were plodding through cotton wool. She could not see the road and lost track of how long she had been walking. It seemed like a lifetime. When she got back, the barracks was deserted. Everybody except the guards had gone to the opera. She managed to drag herself to her bed, and by the light of a lamp she saw that her trousers were soaked with blood. She fainted as soon as her head hit the bed. She had lost her first child. And there was nobody near her.
她挣扎着往营房走，阵阵剧痛令她天旋地转，腿像踩在棉花堆上。也记不清走了多久，才终于走回营房，除了卫兵外，里面空空如也，大家都去看戏了。她勉强拖着步子撑到床铺，借着灯光看见裤子已染上一大片血水。她一下倒下就昏迷过去了。她失掉了一个孩子，没有人在身旁。
A little later my father returned. Being in a car, he got back before most of the others. He found my mother sprawled on the bed. At first he thought she was just exhausted, but then he saw the blood and realized that she was unconscious. He rushed off to find a doctor, who thought she must have had a miscarriage. Being an army doctor he had no experience of what to do, so he telephoned a hospital in the city and asked them to send an ambulance. The hospital agreed but only on condition that they were paid in silver dollars for the ambulance and the emergency operation. Even though he had no money of his own, my father agreed without hesitation. Being 'with the revolution' brought automatic health insurance.
散戏后，我父亲坐车比别人先回来。她发现母亲躺在床上，先以为她是累得睡着了。但后来看见她身上有血，才醒悟到她是失去知觉。他冲出去找医生，医生诊断后说可能是流产，得送大医院抢救。他们打电话到医院叫救护车，院方却提出须用银元支付救护车费和手术费。虽然我父亲没有银元，但他立刻同意了。他知道政府会为他支付这笔费用，“参加革命”就自动有了健康保险。
My mother had very nearly died. She had to have a blood transfusion and her womb scraped. When she opened her eyes after the operation she saw my father sit ling by her bedside. The first thing she said was: "I want a divorce."
母亲差点死掉，输了血、清了子宫后，她总算脱离了危险。当她一睁开眼，看到父亲坐在身边时，劈头就说：“我要离婚。”
My father apologized profusely. He had had no idea she had been pregnant nor, in fact had she. She knew that she had missed her period, but had thought it was probably the result of the unrelenting exertion of the march. My father said he had not known what a miscarriage was. He promised to be much more considerate in future, and said over and over again he loved her and would reform.
父亲马上向她道歉说不知道她已经怀孕了。事实上母亲自己也不知道，她只知道月经没有来，但以为是艰苦行军的结果。父亲说他也不知道流产是什么样子，但他保证今后会更加体贴她，还一直说他爱她，要改过。
While my mother was in a coma, he had washed her blood-soaked clothes, which was very unusual for a Chinese man. Eventually my mother agreed not to ask for a divorce, but she said she wanted to go back to Manchuria to resume her medical studies. She told my father she could never please the revolution, no matter how hard she tried; all she ever got was criticism.
当母亲还在昏迷时，父亲洗了她沾满血的衣裤。这在当时中国是少见的。最后母亲同意不离婚，但她要回东北继续学医。她告诉我父亲，自己还是走了好，她好像怎么努力也不对，老是受批评。
"I might as well leave," she said.
"You mustn't!" my father said, anxiously.
"That will be interpreted as meaning you are afraid of hardship.
You will be regarded as a deserter and you will have no future. Even if the college accepted you, you would never be able to get a good job. You would be discriminated against for the rest of your life."
“你可不能走！”我父亲焦虑地说：“回到锦州，党一定会认为你是怕苦而当逃兵，这会毁了你的一生。即使学校收你，让你毕业，你也不能找到合适的工作，只能在别人的歧视下生活一辈子。”
My mother was not yet aware that there was an unbreakable ban on opting out of 196 "Going through the Fbve Mountain Passes' the system, because, typically, it was unwritten. But she caught the tone of extreme urgency in his voice. Once you were 'with the revolution' you could never leave.
我母亲当时并不知道共产党有条不成文规定：“退出革命”会被当作逃兵而终身受辱。但她从父亲紧张的语气中醒悟到：一旦加入革命，你就绝不能退出了。
My mother was in the hospital when, on 1 October, she and her comrades were alerted to expect a special broadcast, which would come over loudspeakers that had been rigged up around the hospital. They gathered to listen to Mao proclaiming the founding of the People's Republic from the top of the Gate of Heavenly Peace in Peking. My mother cried like a child. The China she had dreamed of, fought for, and hoped for was here at last, she thought, the country to which she could devote herself heart and soul. As she listened to Mao's voice announcing that 'the Chinese people have stood up," she chided herself for ever having wavered. Her suffering was trivial compared to the great cause of saving China. She felt intensely proud and full of nationalistic feeling, and pledged to herself that she would stick with the revolution forever. When Mao's short proclamation was over, she and her comrades burst into cheers and threw their caps in the air a gesture the Chinese Communists had learned from the Russians.
10月1日，我母亲还躺在医院里，她和同志们接获通知等待一个特别广播。医院临时安装了大喇叭，人们集中在一起，听毛泽东在北京天安门城楼上宣布中华人民共和国诞生。我母亲哭得像个小孩似的。她很兴奋，自己为之战斗，为之献身的新中国终于出现了！当她听到毛泽东宣布：“中国人民站起来了”的声音时，一股强烈的民族自豪感升腾而起。此时她责备自己曾经信心动摇，想她所受的苦比起拯救中国的伟大事业是多么微不足道。她暗暗发誓要永远忠于革命，不再退缩。当毛泽东的简短宣言结束时，欢呼爆发了，帽子被抛向天空——这是中国共产党人从苏联学来的一个姿势。
Then, after drying their tears, they had a little feast to celebrate.
A few days before the miscarriage, my parents had their first formal photograph taken together. It shows them both in army uniform, staring pensively and rather wistfully into the camera. The photograph was taken to commemorate their entry into the former Kuomintang capital. My mother immediately sent a print to her mother.
我母亲流产前几天，我父母第一次一起正式照了相。照片上两人都穿着军服，若有所思，略带忧郁地注视着镜头。照相是为了纪念进入国民党首都南京，我母亲立刻寄了一张给姥姥。
On 3 October my father's unit was moved out. Communist forces were nearing Sichuan. My mother had to stay in the hospital another month, and was then allowed some time to recuperate in a magnificent mansion which had belonged to the main financier of the Kuomintang, Chiang Kai-shek's brother-in-law H. H. Kung. One day her unit was told they were going to be extras in a documentary film about the liberation of Nanjing. They were given civilian clothes and dressed up as ordinary citizens welcoming the Communists. This reconstruction, which was not inaccurate, was shown all over China as a 'documentary' - a common practice.
10月3日，我父亲的部队向四川进发。此时，共产党部队已逼近四川。我母亲还得在医院呆一个月。出院后她被转到国民党金融家、蒋介石的内兄孔祥熙的一幢大别墅里休养。有一天，她跟别墅里其他人被请去参加解放南京的纪录片拍摄。他们打扮成普通老百姓的样子，列队欢迎共产党，结果这个艺术再现成了纪录片被广为宣传。
My mother stayed on in Nanjing for nearly two more months. Every now and then she would get a telegram or a bunch of letters from my father. He wrote every day and sent the letters whenever he could find a post office that was working. In every one, he told her how much he loved her, promised to reform, and insisted that she must not go back to Jinzhou and 'desert the revolution."
我母亲在南京又呆了两个多月。她经常收到我父亲的电报，或是成札的信件。我父亲每天都写信给她，一到有邮局的地方就寄。每封信的内容都是说他有多么爱她，说他要改过。还一再叮咛她别回锦州，“抛弃革命”。
Toward the end of December, my mother was told there was a place for her on a steamer with some other people who had been left behind because of illness. They were to assemble on the dock at nightfall Kuomintang bombing made it too dangerous during daylight. The quay was shrouded in a chilly fog. The few lights had been turned out as a precaution against air raids. A bitter north wind was sweeping snow across the river. My mother had to wait for hours on the dock, desperately stamping her numb feet, which were clad only in the standard-issue thin cotton shoes known as 'liberation shoes," some of which had slogans such as "Beat Chiang Kai-shek' and "Safeguard Our Land' painted on their soles.
到了12月末，母亲接到通知，和另一些因病留下的同志一起离开南京去四川。这天黄昏时刻，他们到码头等船，由于白天仍有国民党飞机出没轰炸，袭击江轮，轮船多是昼伏夜航。为了躲避空袭，灯火都被关掉，码头上寒气逼人、刺骨的北风夹着雪花扫过江面。母亲穿一双单薄的“解放鞋”。鞋底写着“打老蒋，保家乡”。她来回跺脚，驱寒取暖。
The steamer carried them west along the Yangtze. For about the first 200 miles, as far as the town of Anqing, it moved only at night, tying up during the day among reeds on the north bank of the river to hide from Kuomintang planes. The ship carried a contingent of soldiers, who set up machine guns on the deck, and a large amount of military equipment and ammunition. There were occasional skirmishes with Kuomintang forces and landowners' gangs. Once, as they were edging into the reeds to anchor for the day, they came under heavy fire and some Kuomintang troops tried to board the ship. My mother and the other women hid belowdecks while the guards fought them off. The ship had to sail off and anchor farther on.
小火轮终于载着他们出发了，沿长江西行到安庆前的二百里，白天他们都藏在江北岸的芦苇丛中躲飞机，船上有一队士兵护送并装载大量的军用物资和弹药，甲板上安装了重机枪，他们不时与国民党散兵游勇以及地方匪徒交火。一次当他们驶进芦苇丛时，一群国民党士兵边开枪边冲过来，共产党士兵在甲板上还击，母亲和其他妇女则躲在甲板下。船飞快开走，朝更远的地方躲去。
When they reached the Yangtze Gorges, where Sichuan begins and the river becomes dramatically narrower, they had to change into two smaller boats which had come from Chongqing. The military cargo and some guards were transferred to one boat, while the rest of the group took the second boat.
当他们到达长江三峡将进入四川省时，江面一下子窄多了。小火轮换成了两艘重庆来的小船。军用物资和一部分士兵乘一艘，其余人乘另一艘。
The Yangtze Gorges were known as "the Gates of Hell."
长江三峡素有“鬼门关”之称。
One afternoon the bright winter sun suddenly disappeared.
一天下午，太阳突然消失了。
My mother rushed on deck to see what had happened. On both sides huge perpendicular cliffs towered over the river, leaning toward the boat as though they were about to crush it. The cliffs were covered with thick vegetation and were so high that they almost obscured the sky. Every cliff seemed steeper than the last, and they looked as though some mighty sword had smashed down from heaven and cleaved its way through them.
我母亲急忙跑到甲板上张望，但见两岸陡峭险峻的悬崖峭壁，排开道森严巨大的屏障，直插云霄，几乎遮住了整个天空。它们似乎朝着轮船斜压而来，好像要把船压个粉碎。江面如此狭窄，仿如自天而降的神剑压在群山中划出来一条细细的水道。
The small boat battled for days against the currents, whirlpools, rapids, and submerged rocks, Sometimes the force of the current swept it backwards, and it felt as though it was going to capsize at any moment. Often my mother thought they were going to be dashed into a cliff, but each time the helmsman managed to steer away at the last second.
小轮船不断与急流、险滩、漩涡和暗礁搏斗，险象环生。有时，船好像是直对着礁石冲去，快粉身碎骨了，有时，惊涛骇浪扑向船弦，似乎要把它卷起来抛向岸边的悬岩。但每一次，舵手总能在最后一刹那间使船转危为安。
The Communists had taken most of Sichuan only within the last month. It was still infested with Kuomintang troops, who had been stranded there when Chiang Kaishek had abandoned his resistance on the mainland and fled to Taiwan. The worst moment came when a band of these Kuomintang soldiers shelled the first boat, which was carrying the ammunition. One round hit it square on.
共产党是在上个月才占领四川大部分地区的，未随蒋介石逃到台湾的国民党军队仍四处袭击。有一次，国民党士兵朝载军火的那一艘船开火，一下子打中了。我母亲看见江面上燃着一团团的火，顺江漂浮下来，仿佛直扑她的船来，她的船赶紧调头躲开。整个过程没人表现出恐惧或高兴的样子。大家对死亡的事情已看得太多，都麻木了。
My mother was standing on deck when it blew up about a hundred yards ahead of her. It seemed as though the whole fiver suddenly burst into fire. Flaming chunks of timber rushed toward my mother's boat, and it looked as if there was no way they could avoid colliding with the burning wreckage. But just as a collision seemed inevitable, it floated past, missing them by inches. Nobody showed any signs of fear, or elation. They all seemed to have grown numb to death. Most of the guards on the first boat were killed.
My mother was entering a whole new world of climate and nature. The precipices along the gorges were covered with gigantic rattan creepers which made the eerie atmosphere even more exotic. Monkeys were jumping from branch to branch in the luxuriant foliage. The endless, magnificent, precipitous mountains were a stunning novelty after the flat plains around Jinzhou.
船行三峡，我母亲感到自己置身于全新的自然世界中。高耸的绝壁上长满奇大的青藤古树，使弥漫着神秘气息的峡谷更加阴森，隐约闪现在树林的猴子，不时发出长啸。看不完的峻崖，数不完的巨峰，是我母亲对四川的第一印象，和东北大平原景致迥然不同。
Sometimes the boat would moor at the foot of a narrow flight of black stone stairs, which seemed to climb endlessly up the side of a mountain with its peak hidden in the clouds. Often there was a small town at the top of the mountain. Because of the permanent thick mist, the inhabitants had to burn rapeseed-oil lamps even in the daytime.
有时船停泊在筑有青阶的山脚下，石阶一级级往山顶延伸，消失在迷蒙的云雾中。山上有小镇、村落，人在白云里。由于浓雾不散，人们在白天也点上菜油灯，星星点点如鬼火。我母亲觉得这里的山民皮肤特别黑，颧骨突出，个子矮小。和她熟悉的北方人相比，他们的眼睛大而圆，轮廓也分明得多。她第一次见他们头缠白布时，很是惊讶，还问同船的四川人怎会有这么多人戴孝。
It was chilly, with damp winds blowing off the mountains and the fiver. To my mother, the local peasants seemed horribly dark, bony, and tiny, with much sharper features and much bigger and rounder eyes than the people she was used to. They wore a kind of turban made of long white cloth wound around their foreheads. White being the color of mourning in China, my mother at first thought they were wearing mourning.
By the middle of January they had reached Chongqing, which had been the Kuomintang's capital during the war against Japan, where my mother had to move to a smaller boat for the next stage to the town of Luzhou, about a hundred miles farther upriver. There she received a message from my father that a sampan had been sent to meet her and that she could come to Yibin right away. This was the first she knew that he had arrived at his destination alive. By now her resentment against him had evaporated.
1月中旬，到了重庆，我母亲换乘更小的船去长江上游一百里外的小城泸州。她在那里接到我父亲传来的口信，说有船到泸州接她去宜宾。这是她第一次知道丈夫已活着到了目的地。她对他的怨气已消。
It was four months since she had seen him, and she missed him. She had imagined the excitement he must have felt along the way at seeing so many sites described by the ancient poets, and she felt a glow of warmth in the sure knowledge that he would have composed poems for her on the journey.
他们已有四个月没见面，她非常想念他，当船沿着三峡而行，她目睹了古代骚人墨客为之吟诗作赋的壮丽景观时，总会想象他如果见到这种景致，会有多么兴奋。我母亲一想到途中他一定为她作了诗时，心里就泛起一阵温暖。
She was able to leave that same evening. Next morning when she woke, she could feel the warmth of the sun coming through the soft mist. The hills along the river were green and gentle, and she was able to lie back and relax and listen to the water lapping against the prow of the sampan. She got to Yibin that afternoon, the eve of Chinese New Year. Her first sight of file town was like an apparition a delicate image of a city floating in the clouds.
当晚，她乘船去宜宾。翌晨醒来时，阳光透过满江雾带来暖意。两岸的山岗翠绿平缓，江流也似乎变得恬静安祥。她靠着船舷，倾听江水懒洋洋的拍打声。这天下午，正是春节“除夕”，她到了宜宾。第一眼看去这座小城仿佛飘浮在云彩中，仿如海市蜃楼。
As the boat approached the quay, she looked about for my father. Eventually, through the mist, she could make out his hazy image: he was standing in an unbuttoned army greatcoat, his bodyguard behind him. The riverbank was wide and covered with sand and cobblestones. She could see the city climbing up to the top of the hill. Some of the houses were built on long, thin, wooden stilts and seemed to be swaying in the wind as though they might collapse at any minute.
船近码头时，她抬眼寻找丈夫。透过江面的雾气，他的身影隐约出现：披着件军大衣，站在岸边，一名警卫立在身后。他脚下是宽阔的卵石河滩，城市就在他背后山坡上一级级石阶的尽头。四周临江的房子是奇特的吊脚楼。支在一根根木柱上，好像会随风飘去。
The boat tied up at a dock on the promontory at the tip of the city. A boatman laid down a plank of wood and my father's bodyguard came across and took my mother's bedroll. She bounced down the gangway, and my father stretched out his arms to help her off. It was not the proper thing to embrace in public, though my mother could tell he was as excited as she, and she felt very happy.
码头在突出的岬角上，一块木板搭上来连接了岸和船。警卫走上前接过我母亲的行李，她轻快地随着木板弹跳的节奏走上岸来。我父亲伸手扶住她，他们没有拥抱，当时在公共场合拥抱是违背传统的，不过我母亲看得出他的心情和她一样激动，她觉得很幸福。