8 "Returning Home Robed in Embroidered Silk"
八 “衣锦还乡”
——To Family and Bandits (1949-1951)
——归故里，遭逢土匪(1950—1951年)
All the way, my mother had been wondering what Yibin would be like. Would there be electricity? Would the mountains be as high as those along the Yangtze? Would there be theaters? As she climbed up the hill with my father, she was thrilled to see she had come to a beautiful place.
一路上，母亲心里一直在猜：宜宾会是什么样？它的山像三峡两岸的山那样高耸险峻吗？宜宾有电灯、戏院吗？当她随我父亲一步步进入城内时，她惊喜地发现来到了一个十分美丽的地方。
Yibin stands on a hill overlooking a promontory at the confluence of two rivers, one clear, the other muddy. She could see electric lights shining in the rows of cottages.
宜宾坐落在山坡上，俯视着清、浊两江汇流处。一层层随坡逐渐登高的房舍闪烁着灯光。
Their walls were made of mud and bamboo, and to her eyes the thin, curved files on the roofs seemed delicate, almost lace like compared to the heavy ones needed to cope with the winds and snow of Manchuria. In the distance, through the mist, she could see little houses of bamboo and earth set in the midst of dark-green mountains covered in camphor trees, meta sequoia and tea bushes. She felt unburdened at last, not least because my father was letting his bodyguard carry her bedroll. Having passed through scores of war-torn towns and villages, she was delighted to see that here there was no war damage at all. The 7,000-man Kuomintang garrison had surrendered without a fight.
在母亲眼里，这些房屋由泥砖和竹子组成的墙，还有薄薄的、月牙似的屋瓦是很别致，比起东北那些需要抵挡风雷隆冬的石墙和厚重瓦块，显得轻巧花俏。透过薄雾，她能看到远处群山上的一间间小竹屋，点缀在暗绿色草坪上，周围环绕着樟树、水杉、茶树和竹丛。她长出了一口气，总算来到一个如诗般的地方，而且我父亲还让他的警卫扛上她的行李哩！这座小城不像她所经过的许多城市村庄那样饱受战争破坏，驻防的七千国民党卫戍部队不战而降。
My father was living in an elegant mansion which had been taken over by the new government as combined offices and living quarters, and my mother moved in with him. It had a garden full of plants she had never Seen: phoebe nanmu, papayas, and bananas, on grounds covered with green moss. Goldfish swam in a tank, and there was even a turtle. My father's bedroom had a double sofa bed, the softest thing she had ever slept on, having previously known only brick kangs. Even in winter, all one needed in Yibin was a quilt. There was no biting wind or all-pervasive dust like in Manchuria. You did not have to wear a gauze scarf over your face to be able to breathe. The well was not covered with a lid; there was a bamboo pole sticking out, with a bucket tied to the other end for drawing water.
父亲现在住在一处优雅的大院内，是新政府办公和居住的地方，我母亲也随他住了进来。这里的花园长满了她从未见过的亚热带奇花异草：楠木、木瓜树和芭蕉丛。地面上覆盖着翠茸茸的青苔，水池里金鱼在嬉戏，甚至能透过碧清的池水看到一只卧底的乌龟。父亲卧房有一张双人沙发床，母亲从未睡过如此柔软的床，东北都是硬邦邦的砖炕。宜宾没有严寒，一床薄被子就能过冬了。这里也没有东北的北风和满天黄沙，再不需要纱巾遮脸了，水井没有盖子，一根竹竿总插在井里，系着一个汲水泊桶。
People washed their clothes on slabs of smooth shiny stones propped up at a slight angle, and used palm-fiber brushes to clean them. These operations would have been impossible in Manchuria, where the clothes would immediately have been either covered in dust or frozen solid. For the first time in her life, my mother could eat rice and fresh vegetables every day.
人们把磨得发亮的青石板斜支着，在上面用棕刷刷洗衣服。这洗衣方式在东北也是不可想象的，因为衣服不是马上冻成冰块，就是盖满灰土。母亲生平第一次每天都能吃得到米饭和新鲜蔬菜。
The following weeks were my parents' real honeymoon.
随后几个星期算是我父母真正的蜜月期。
For the first time my mother could live with my father without being criticized for 'putting love first." The general atmosphere was relaxed; the Communists were elated at their sweeping victories and my father's colleagues did not insist on married couples staying together only on Saturday nights.
第一次他们住在一起，不被批评为“爱情至上”，周围的气氛是轻松的，共产党为迅速的胜利而欢欣鼓舞，父亲的同事不再要求夫妇只能在星期六晚上一起过夜了。
Yibin had fallen less than two months earlier, on I i December 1949. My father had arrived six days later, and had been appointed head of the county of Yibin, which had a population of over a million people, about 100,000 of whom lived in the city of Yibin. He had arrived by boat with a group of more than a hundred students who had 'joined the revolution' in Nanjing. When the boat came up the Yangtze, it stopped first at the Yibin power station on the riverbank opposite the city, which had been a stronghold of the underground. Several hundred workers came out to greet my father's party on the quay, waving little red paper flags with five stars the new flag of Communist China and shouting welcoming slogans. The flags had the stars in the wrong place the local Communists did not know the right place to put them.
两个月前，1949年12月11日，宜宾被共产党占领。父亲六天后到达，他被任命为宜宾县委书记。全县人口超过一百万，十万人住在政府所在地宜宾市。父亲和一百多名在南京参加革命的学生同船到达。轮船首先停留在宜宾城外江对岸的电站旁。共产党在这里有一个地下据点，相当活跃。几百名工人聚集在码头上欢迎我父亲一行人，挥舞着纸做的五星红旗，高喊欢迎口号。因为地下党没见过正式的国旗，结果五颗星的位置被画错了。
My father went ashore with another officer to address the workers, who were delighted when they heard him speaking in Yibin dialect. Instead of the ordinary army cap which everyone else was wearing he wore an old eight-cornered cap of the type which the Communist army used to wear in the 192os and early 1930s, which struck the locals as unusual and rather stylish.
父亲和另一位共产党干部登岸发表演说。工人们听到他用宜宾方言讲话时，都高兴得笑了。另外引人注目的是，他戴着一顶红军时代的八角军帽，看上去与众不同。
Then the boat took them across the river to the city. My father had been away ten years. He had been very fond of his family, especially his youngest sister, to whom he had written enthusiastically from Yan'an about his new life and how he wanted her to join him there someday. The letters had stopped coming as the Kuomintang tightened its blockade, and the first the family had heard from my father for many years was when they received the photo of him and my mother taken in Nanjing. For the previous seven years they had not even known if he was alive. They had missed him, cried at the thought of him, and prayed to the Buddha for his safe return. With the photograph he had sent a note saying he would soon be in Yibin, and that he had changed his name. While in Yan'an, like many others, he had taken a nora de guerre, Wang Yu. Yu meant "Selfless to the point of being considered foolish." As soon as he arrived my father reverted to his real surname, Chang, but he incorporated his nora de guerre and called himself Chang Shou-yu, meaning "Keep Yu."
随后他们过江入城，此时父亲已离家十年了。他非常爱他的家庭，想念他母亲。他曾从延安写信给最喜欢的小妹，叙述他的新生活，希望她有一天来延安加入他们的行列。由于国民党加强封锁，断了音讯，这些年来，父亲的大家庭甚至不知道他还活着，他们想他想得流泪，跑在菩萨面前祈求保佑他平安无事。有一天，他们突然收到我父母在南京的合影照片——这是多年来第一次得到他的消息。他还附了封短信说，很快就会回宜宾了。他告诉家人他先前已改了姓名，叫“王愚”，意思是诚实无私得被人们认为像个傻瓜。现在，他改回姓张，由于对“愚”字难舍，因而定名为张守愚。
Ten years before, my father had left as a poor, hungry, and put-upon apprentice; now he had returned, not yet thirty, as a powerful man. This was a traditional Chinese dream, which has entered the language as yi-jin-huanxiang, 'returning home robed in embroidered silk." His family was tremendously proud of him, and they were longing to see what he was like after ten years, as they had heard all sorts of strange things about the Communists.
十年前，我父亲离开宜宾时，是个饥肠辘辘被人欺负的学徒。十年后的今天，他以本城、本地区最高的行政长官身份回来了。而且年纪还不到三十岁。这可谓是“衣锦还乡。”他的大家庭觉得很是荣耀。
And of course his mother, especially, wanted to know about his new wife..
My father talked and laughed loudly and heartily. He was the picture of unrestrained, almost boyish excitement.
他们听说过许多关于共产党的奇谈怪论，因而渴望看看十年后的他变成什么样了。重逢之时，父亲喜不自禁，无拘无束，孩子似地快活大笑。
He has not changed after all, his mother thought with a sigh of relief and happiness. Through their traditional, deep-rooted reserve, the family showed their joy in their eager, tear-filled eyes. Only his youngest sister was more animated. She talked vividly while playing with her long plaits, which every now and then she threw back over her shoulder when she tilted her head to emphasize what she was saying. My father smiled as he recognized the traditional Sichuan gesture of feminine playfulness. He had almost forgotten it in his ten years of austerity in the North.
他没有变！他母亲最初的担忧消失了，沉浸在幸福中。中国人不习惯用拥抱亲吻来表达感情，只有盈眶的泪花表示出他们内心的欣喜。父亲的小妹妹一边活泼地抚弄着自己的长辫，一边兴奋地和阔别多年的哥哥交谈。每当她想强调她的话时，就歪着头把辫子甩到肩后，父亲看到四川女孩特有的顽皮姿态时，不由得会心而笑。十年北方的严峻生活，使他几乎忘却这些撒娇的举止。
There was a lot of catching up to do. My father's mother was well into her account of what had happened to the family since he had left when she said there was one thing worrying her: what was going to happen to her eldest daughter, who had looked after her in Chongqing. This daughter's husband had died and left her some land, which she had hired a few laborers to work. There were a lot of rumors flying around about the Communists' land reform, and the family was worried that she would be classified as a landlord and have her land taken away. The women became emotional, their worries shading into recriminations: "What is going to happen to her? How is she going to live? How can the Communists do a thing like this?"
祖母一件又一件地告诉父亲他去延安后大家庭发生的种种事情。讲来讲去，最后讲到她的大女儿。祖母曾在重庆依靠大女儿生活了很长一段时间，大女儿的丈夫已去世，留下了一些土地出租。当时对共产党的土地改革传闻甚多，家里担心她被划成地主，分掉土地，失去生活来源。妇女们更是忧心忡忡：怎么办呢？她将来靠什么为生？共产党怎么能这样办事？
My father was hurt and exasperated. He burst out: "I have looked forward so much to this day, to share our victory with you. All injustice is going to be a thing of the past. It is a time to be positive, to rejoice. But you are so distrustful, so critical. You only want to find fault..."
父亲按共产党的说法作了解释，妇女们还是疑虑重重。他一时又急又委屈，就说：“我日夜盼着今天的团聚，和你们分享我们的胜利，共产党当然会公平办事，老百姓不会再受苦了。你们要高兴才是，可是你们就是不放心，尽往坏处想……”
Whereupon he burst into tears like a little boy. The women all cried too. For him, they were tears of disappointment and frustration. For them, the feelings must have been more complex; among them were doubt and uncertainty.
说着说着，他突然哭了起来。女人们也都哭了。父亲的泪是委屈的泪，家里人则是对未来不知所措。
My father's mother was living in the old family home just outside the city, which had been left to her by her husband when he died. It was a modestly luxurious country house low-lying, made of wood and brick, and walled off from the road. It had a big garden at the front, and at the back was a field of winter plums, which gave off a delicious perfume, and thick bamboo groves, which lent it the atmosphere of an enchanted garden. It was spotlessly clean. All the windows were gleaming, and there was not a speck of dust anywhere. The furniture was made of beautiful shiny padauk wood, which is a deep red, sometimes almost shading into black. My mother fell in love with the house from her first visit, on the day after she arrived in Yibin.
祖母住在城边一所大而雅致的老宅院里，这是她丈夫遗留给她的。房屋分上下两层，木制结构。油漆粉刷得很漂亮，有院墙与小路隔开。房前是花园，屋后有梅林。每逢开花时节，空气里飘逸着浓浓的香味，密匝的翠竹满布庭院，使老屋显得幽美而神秘。院内整整齐齐，屋里窗明几净。家具由紫檩木制成，暗红发亮，古色古香。我母亲一到宜宾就爱上了这座张氏老宅。
This was an important occasion. In Chinese tradition the person with the most power over a married woman was always her mother-in-law, to whom she had to be completely obedient and who would tyrannize her. When she in turn became a mother-in-law, she would bully her own daughter-in-law in the same way. Liberating daughters-in-law was an important Communist policy, and rumors abounded that Communist daughters-in-law were arrogant dragons, ready to boss their mothers-in-law around. Everyone was on tenterhooks waiting to see how my mother would behave.
母亲拜见我祖母是件大事。按传统，已婚妇女的顶头上司是她婆婆。她必须完全服从，忍受婆婆的挑剔和专横。待到“多年的媳妇熬成婆”，她就以同样的方式对待自己的儿媳妇。“解放媳妇”是共产党的重要政策之一。许多传言说共产党媳妇桀骜不驯，会骑到婆婆头上作威作福，大家提心吊胆地等着看我母亲会怎样行事。
My father had a very large extended family, and they all gathered in the house that day. As my mother approached the front gate, she heard people whispering, "She's coming, she's coming!" Adults were shushing their children, who were jumping around trying to catch a glimpse of the strange Communist daughter-in-law from the far north.
登门那天，庞大的张氏家族聚集在祖母的住宅。母亲一走进前院门，就听见人们在低声嘘嘘：“她来了！她来了！”大人要孩子们静下来，孩子们却蹦来蹦去，想瞧一眼这位来自远方的共产党媳妇。
When my mother entered the sitting room with my father, her mother-in-law was seated at the far end on a formal, carved square padauk chair. Leading up to her on both sides of the room, enhancing the formality, were two symmetrical rows of square, exquisitely carved padauk chairs. A small table with a vase or some other ornament on it stood between every two chairs. Walking up the middle, my mother saw that her mother-in-law had a very calm face, with high cheekbones (which my father had inherited), small eyes, a sharp chin, and thin lips which drooped slightly at the corners. She was tiny, and her eyes seemed to be half closed, almost as though she were medltaling. My mother walked slowly up to her with my father, and stopped in front of her chair. Then she knelt and kowtowed three times. This was the correct thing to do according to the traditional ritual, but everyone had been wondering if the young Communist would go through with it. The room burst into relieved sighs. My father's cousins and sisters whispered to his obviously delighted mother:
当我父母一起走进客厅时，我祖母坐在上方的一张雕花紫檀木八仙椅上。客厅内两侧对称地排列着同样的椅子，每两张椅子之间有个方桌，上面摆着花瓶或其他装饰品。这种传统的、规矩的摆设，增加了拘谨的气氛。母亲从两溜椅子中间走上前，看到她婆婆非常安祥的面孔、高高的颧骨，很像父亲，小眼睛、尖下巴、微微下垂的薄嘴唇。她很瘦小，眼睛半闭，好像在沉思。我母亲走到她面前跪下来，行三磕头大礼。本来这是很平常的传统礼节，但没有人知道这位年轻的共产党人会不会照规矩做。此时，整个大家庭如释重负。我父亲的兄弟姊妹们忙着向高兴的祖母道贺，“真是好媳妇！漂亮，贤慧、又尊敬老人，您真是好福气！”
"What a lovely daughter-in-law!? So gentle, so pretty, and so respectful!? Mother, you are really in good fortune?
My mother was quite proud of her little conquest. She and my father had spent some time discussing what to do.
我母亲为她的小小成就感到自豪。她和我父亲曾花了些时间商量此事。
The Communists had said they were going to get rid of kowtowing, which they considered an insult to human dignity, but my mother wanted to make an exception, just this once. My father agreed. He did not want to hurt his mother, or offend his wife not after the miscarriage; and besides, this kowtow was different. It was to make a point for the Communists. But he would not kowtow himself, although it was expected of him.
共产觉废除“磕头”，认为它是封建余毒，有辱尊严。但我母亲坚持要磕这么一次头，让婆婆高兴。我父亲同意了，他既爱母亲，又想顺着妻子，特别是她刚流了产。此外，这次磕头也不同寻常，它向老百姓证明共产党是通情达理的。不过我父亲自己可没磕头，尽管大家都指望他也行此大礼。
All the women in my father's family were Buddhists, and one of his sisters, Jun-ying, who was unmarried, was particularly devout. She took my mother to kowtow to a statue of the Buddha, to the shrines of the family ancestors which were set up on Chinese New Year, and even to the groves of winter plum.~ and bamboo in the back garden.
我父亲家族的女人都是佛教徒。其中我父亲的三姐张俊英没有结过婚，特别虔诚。她带着我母亲对菩萨磕头，对春节期间供出的祖先神龛磕头，甚至对后花园的腊梅和竹林磕头。
Aunt Jun-ying believed that every flower and every tree had a spirit. She would ask my mother to do a dozen kowtows to the bamboos to beg them not to flower, which the Chinese believed portended disaster. My mother found all this great fun. It reminded her of her childhood and gave her a chance to indulge her sense of playfulness. My father did not approve, but she mollified him by saying it was just a performance to help the Communists' image.
俊英娘娘相信枝枝花、棵棵树都有神灵。她要我母亲对竹子磕头十多次，祈求它们不要开花，中国人认为竹子开花是大灾大难的征兆。我母亲觉得这一切都很好玩，唤醒了她童年的记忆，给了她一个放纵顽皮的机会。每当我父亲有异议时，她就说这是改善共产党的形象。
The Kuomintang had said the Communists would wipe out all traditional customs, and she said it was important for people to see that this was not happening.
国民党说共产党要扫除一切旧习，而她让老百姓看到的不是这么回事。
My father's family was very kind to my mother. In spite of her initial formality, my grandmother was in fact extremely easygoing. She seldom passed judgment, and was never critical. Aunt Jun-ying's round face was marked by smallpox, but her eyes were so gentle that anyone could see that she was a kind woman, with whom they could feel safe and relaxed. My mother could not help comparing her new in-laws with her own mother. They did not exude her energy and sprightliness, but their ease and serenity made my mother feel completely at home. Aunt Jun-ying cooked delicious spicy Sichuan food, which is quite different from the bland northern food. The dishes had exotic names which my mother loved: 'tiger fights the dragon," 'imperial concubine chicken," 'hot saucy duck," 'suckling golden cock crows to the dawn." My mother went to the house often, and would eat with the family, looking out into the orchard of plums, almonds, and peaches which made a sea of pink and white blossoms in early spring. She found a warm, welcoming atmosphere among the women in the Chang family, and felt very much loved by them.
我父亲全家对我母亲都非常好。我祖母开始时看上去有点拘谨，其实为人随和，很少说人不好，更从不挑剔。俊英娘娘的圆脸上有些麻子，但她的眼神是如此柔和，任何一个见到她的人都说她心地善良，和她在一起，会感到十分安全和放松。我母亲不禁把我祖母、娘娘们与自己的母亲相比，她们不像自己母亲那么精力四溢，但她们的和善和安宁使我母亲犹如回到自己的家。俊英娘娘能烧美味的四川菜，北方单调的食物无法与之相比。我母亲虽是东北人，但她喜欢麻、辣、烫的四川风味。这些菜的名称尤其使她着迷：“麻婆豆腐”、“怪味鸡”、“香酥鸭”、“童子金鸡报晓”……我母亲常去张家大院和大家庭一道吃饭，窗外就是果园，结满了桃、李、杏。早春时节，果园是一片粉红色、白色的花海。
* * *
My mother was soon assigned a job in the Public Affairs Department of the government of Yibin County. She spent very little time in the office. The first priority was to feed the population and this was beginning to be difficult.
我母亲很快被分配在宜宾县宣传部当干事。她呆在办公室的时间很少，主要是下乡征粮。共产党面临的首要问题是让人们有饭吃——这已开始成为难题了。
The southwest was the last holdout of the Kuomintang leadership, and a quarter of a million soldiers had been stranded in Sichuan when Chiang Kai-shek fled the province for Taiwan in December 1949. Sichuan was, moreover, one of the few places where the Communists had not occupied the countryside before they took the cities. Kuomintang units, disorganized but often well armed, still controlled much of the countryside in southern Sichuan, and most of the food supply was in the hands of landlords who were pro-Kuomintang. The Communists urgently needed to secure supplies to feed the cities, as well as their own forces and the large numbers of Kuomintang troops who had surrendered.
西南地区是国民党在大陆的最后堡垒，蒋介石于1949年12月从四川前往台湾时，二十五万国民党军队陷在这里。在四川，共产党是先占领城市，而不是“农村包围城市”，装备尚佳的国民党军队仍占据着川南的大部分农村。绝大部分粮食掌握在亲国民党的地主手里。共产党的部队要吃饭，干部要吃饭，城镇居民要吃饭，起义被俘的国民党军队也要吃饭。他们迫切需要粮食。
At first they sent people out to try to buy food. Many of the big landlords had traditionally had their own private armies, which now joined up with the bands of Kuomintang soldiers. A few days after my mother reached Yibin, these forces launched a full-scale uprising in south Sichuan. Yibin was in danger of starvation.
开始时，共产党派人去买粮，只是许多大地主拥有私人武装力量，再加上国民党残留部队的支持，拒不卖粮。我母亲到达宜宾后的几天，一部分原起义的国民党部队又拖枪叛变，川南发生了大规模暴乱，宜宾处在饥饿的威胁中。
The Communists started sending out armed teams made up of officials escorted by army guards to collect food. Almost everyone was mobilized. Government offices were empty. In the whole of the Yibin county government only two women were left behind: one was a receptionist and the other had a newborn baby.
共产党派出了武装征粮队，以机关干部为主，由武装士兵护送下乡征收粮食。当时几乎全体干部都出动了，整个宜宾县政府仅有两名妇女留守。一位既当收发、秘书，又整天坐电话机旁负责询问、统计各队征粮情况，另一位刚生了孩子。
My mother went on a number of these expeditions, which lasted many days at a time. There were thirteen people in her team: seven civilians and six soldiers. My mother's gear consisted of a bedroll, a bag of rice, and a heavy umbrella made of tung-oil-painted canvas, all of which she had to carry on her back. The team had to trek for days through wild country and over what the Chinese call 'sheep's-intestine trails' treacherous narrow mountain paths winding around steep precipices and gullies.
我母亲有好几次下乡征粮。她的征粮队有十三人：七位干部、六名士兵。她得自己背背包、粮袋，再加上一把涂过桐油的帆布伞，征粮队徒步多日，沿着羊肠小道翻山越岭。
When they came to a village they would go to the shabbiest hovel and try to form a rapport with the very poor peasants, telling them that the Communists would give people like them their own land and a happy life, and then asking them which landowners had rice hoarded. Most of the peasants had inherited a traditional fear and suspicion of any officials. Many had only vaguely heard of the Communists, and everything they had heard was bad; but my mother, having quickly modified her northern dialect with a local accent, was highly articulate and persuasive. Explaining the new policy turned out to be her forte. If the team succeeded in getting information about the landlords, they would go and try to persuade them to sell at designated collection points, where they would be paid on delivery.
每到一个村子，他们就去敲那些最破烂不堪的门，找那些最贫苦的农民，向他们一遍遍宣传共产党将分给他们土地，为他们带来幸福的生活，然后询问哪家地主存有粮食。大多数农民向来对城里的官员存有戒心，许多人只模模糊糊地听说过共产党，而且尽是些坏话。我母亲迅速把她的北方口音改成了当地方言，很快和农民交上朋友。人们都信服她的话，也肯告诉她谁家有余粮。工作队打听到后，就登门拜访，要地主到指定地点把粮食卖给新政府。
Some were scared and disgorged without much fuss.
一些地主很害怕，工作队没费多少口舌，他们就交出了粮食。
Others informed on the team's whereabouts to one of the armed gangs. My mother and her comrades were often fired at, and spent every night on the alert, sometimes having to move from place to place to avoid attack.
但另一些却向武装土匪报告工作队的行踪。我母亲和她的同志经常遭到袭击，每个夜晚都处于警戒状态，还得不时转移宿营地。
At first they would stay with poor peasants. But if the bandits found out someone had helped them, they would kill the entire household. After a number of killings, the team decided they could not jeopardize innocent people's lives. So they slept in the open, or in abandoned temples.
开始时，他们住在贫苦农民家里。后来得知，土匪一旦发现谁帮助过征粮队，就会杀掉他的全家。在发生好几次这样的残杀事件后，征粮队为了不牵连无辜的农民，就在露天、荒弃的寺庙、祠堂或小学校里过夜。
On her third expedition, my mother started vomiting and suffering from dizzy spells. She was pregnant again.
我母亲第三次征粮时，开始呕吐、头晕——她又怀孕了。
She got back to Yibin exhausted and desperate for a rest, but her team had to set off on another expedition at once.
她筋疲力尽地回到宜宾城，想好好休息休息，可是她的工作队却又要出发。
It had been left vague what a pregnant woman should do, and she was torn about whether to go or not. She wanted to go, and the mood at the time was very much one of self sacrifice it was considered shameful to complain about anything. But she was frightened by the memory of her miscarriage only five months before, and by the thought of having another one in the midst of the wilderness, where there were no doctors or transportation. Moreover, the expeditions involved almost daily bat ties with the bandits, and it was important to be able to run and run fast. Even walking made her dizzy.
当时没有明文规定说孕妇该不该去征粮，我母亲也很矛盾，一方面她完全明白征粮的重要性，而且当时整个气氛是牺牲、奉献，为自己考虑是一种耻辱；另一方面，征粮必须随时准备与土匪战斗，要能够跑得快，而她连走路也头晕。她对五个月前的流产记忆犹新，很害怕在野外又流产，到时既无医生又无交通工具，后果就不堪设想了。
Still, she decided to go. There was one other woman going, who was also pregnant. One afternoon the team was settling down for lunch in a deserted courtyard. They assumed the owner had fled, probably from them. The shoulder-high mud walls which ran around the weed-covered yard had collapsed in several places. The wooden gate was unlocked and was creaking in the spring breeze.
最后，她仍决定去，同行的还有一位孕妇。一天下午，他们在一家地主院子里准备吃午餐。房主在共产党来时已逃走，所有家当能带的已带走，不能带走的也被偷盗一空。齐房高的土墙多已倒塌，院内长满了草。木门没有锁，在山风吹拂下嗄嗄作响。
The team's rice was being prepared in the abandoned kitchen by their cook, when a middle-aged man appeared.
大家正在厨房里忙着，一个中年男子出现了。
He had the appearance of a peasant: he was wearing straw sandals and loose trousers, with a big apronlike piece of cloth tucked up on one side into a cotton cummerbund, and he had a dirty white turban on his head. He told them that a gang of men belonging to a notorious group of bandits known as the Broadsword Brigade was headed their way and that they were especially keen to capture my mother and the other woman in the team, because they knew they were the wives of high Communist officials.
他一副农民打扮，穿着草鞋，宽松的裤子外围着一条土布围裙，围裙一角撩起掖在腰带下，头上裹着一条肮脏的白布头巾。他是来通风报信的，有一股有名的“大刀队”正向这里包抄过来，这些人特别急于捉住工作队里的我母亲和另外那位孕妇，人人都知道这两人是本县共产党高官的老婆。
This man was not an ordinary peasant. Under the Kuomintang, he had been the chieftain of the local township, which governed a number of villages, including the one the team was in. The Broadsword Brigade had tried to win his cooperation, as they did with all former Kuomintang men and landlords. He had joined the brigade, but he wanted to keep his options open, and he was tipping off the Communists to buy insurance. He told them the best way to escape.
来人其实不是普通农民。在国民党统治时期，他是该地区的镇长，管辖好几个村子，大刀队要他合作，他就加入了，并成为其中一个头目。但眼看大势已去，他想给自己留条后路，希望找到立功的机会，所以来通风报信。
The team immediately jumped up and ran. But my mother and the other pregnant woman could not move very fast, so the chieftain led them out through a gap in the wall and helped them hide in a haystack nearby. The cook lingered in the kitchen to wrap up the cooked rice and pour cold water onto the wok to cool it down so that he could take it with him. The rice and the wok were too precious to be abandoned; an iron wok was hard to obtain, especially in wartime. Two of the soldiers stayed in the kitchen helping him and trying to hurry him up. At last the cook grabbed the rice and the wok and the three of them raced for the back door. But the bandits were already coming through the front door, and caught up with them after a few yards. They fell on them and knifed them to death. The gang was short of guns and did not have Enough ammunition to shoot at the rest of the team, whom they could see not far away. They did not discover my mother andthe other woman in the haystack.
工作队跳起来就跑，我母亲和另外那位孕妇跑不快，镇长就带她俩爬过塌墙，藏在一个草垛里。老炊事员忙着在灶房里包做好的饭，并把水浇到铁锅上，使锅冷下来好带来走。他觉得饭菜太宝贵，铁锅在当时也很难买到，都不能丢下。两名战士呆在厨房帮助收，催他赶快跑。当三人用布袋盛着饭菜，扛上铁锅从后门跑出去时，大刀队已从前进了院子，追上他们用乱刀砍死了 。由于大刀队枪支弹药少，看见工作队员在前面跑也无法射击，他们也没发现在草垛里藏身的我母亲和另一位孕妇。
Not long afterward the gang was captured, along with the chieftain. He was both a leader of the gang and one of the 'snakes in their old haunts," which made him eligible for execution. But he had tipped off the team and saved the lives of the two women. At the time, death sentences had to be endorsed by a three-man review board. It happened that the head of the tribunal was my father. The second member was the husband of the other pregnant woman, and the third was the local police chief.
后来，这支大刀队被击溃了，一些人被俘，包括那个通风报信的镇长。他既是那支大刀队的首领，又是“地头蛇”，这些罪名足以把他处死。但他报信给这支征粮工作队，救了两位孕妇和其他队员，又立了功。那时判死刑必须由三人小组批准。三人小组是由我父亲、那位孕妇的丈夫和地区公安局长组成。
The tribunal split two to one. The husband of the other woman voted to spare the chieftain's life. My father and the police chief voted to uphold the death sentence. My mother pleaded with the tribunal to let the man live, but my father was adamant. This was exactly what the man had been banking on, he told my mother: he had chosen this particular team to tip off precisely because he knew it contained the wives of two important officials.
投票结果是二比一，那位孕妇的丈夫希望赦免他，我父亲和公安局长则要判他死刑。我母亲恳求三人小组留他一命，但我父亲毫不动摇。他对我母亲说，此人正是知道工作队里有能留他活命的重要干部的妻子，才来通风报信。他不同于一般的人，死在他手上的人太多了！那位孕妇的丈夫跟我父亲吵了起来，我父亲手拍着桌子大声说：
"He has a lot of blood on his hands," my father said. The husband of the other woman disagreed vehemently.
“正因这件事涉及到我们的妻子，我们才不能宽大处理。如果我们让个人感情影响判决，新中国和旧中国又有何区别呢？”就选样，镇长就处决了。
"But," my father retorted, banging his fist on the table, 'we cannot be lenient, precisely because our wives are involved. If we let personal feelings influence our judgment, what would be the difference between the new China and the old?" The chieftain was executed.
My mother could not forgive my father for this. She felt that the man should not die, because he had saved so many lives, and my father, in particular, 'owed' him a life. The way she looked at it, which was how most Chinese would have seen it, my father's behavior meant he did not treasure her, unlike the husband of the other woman.
我父亲的不妥协深深伤害了我母亲，照她看来，她欠镇长一命。我父亲不饶他，等于把她的命不当一回事。再说，他还救了别的工作队员呢！
No sooner was the trial over than my mother's team was sent off to the countryside again. She was still feeling very sick from her pregnancy, vomiting a lot and exhausted all the time. She had had pains in her abdomen ever since the violent rush to the haystack. The husband of the other pregnant woman decided he was not going to let his wife go again.
不久，我母亲的工作队又被派去征粮。她这时有强烈的妊娠反应，不断呕吐，整天累得半死。自从那次猛跑躲入草垛后，她时时感到腹部作痛。另外那位孕妇的丈夫决心不让他妻子再去了。他说：“所有怀孕的人都不要去，孕妇不能去冒险！”
"I will protect my pregnant wife," he said.
"And I will protect any wives who are pregnant. No pregnant woman should have to undergo such dangers."
But he met fierce opposition from my mother's boss, Mrs. Mi, a peasant woman who had been a guerrilla. It was unthinkable for a peasant woman to take a rest if she was pregnant.
She worked right up to the moment of delivery, and there were innumerable stories about women cutting the umbilical cord with a sickle and carrying on. Mrs. Mi had borne her own baby on a battlefield and had had to abandon it on the spot a baby's cry could have endangered the whole unit. After losing her child, she seemed to want others to suffer a similar fate. She insisted on sending my mother off again, producing a very effective argument. At the time, no Party members were allowed to marry except relatively senior officials (those who qualified as '28-7-regiment-I ').
但他遭到母亲上司米女士的坚决反对。米女士是一个农民出身的女游击队员。她说她在打游击时生过几个孩子，整天跑路也没有小产。她还说，很多农家女都是在地上分娩，用镰刀割断脐带，很快就又下田工作了。我母亲知道米女士的一个孩子在战场上出世，部队走时不得不扔下，怕孩子的哭声给整个队伍带来危险。失去孩子后，她似乎想让其他人也都遭受同样的悲剧。她坚持要我母亲再次出发。那时参加革命的人结婚条件是“二八七团一”，因此任何怀孕的共产党妇女都是高级干部的妻子。如果她们不愿去冒险征粮，共产党怎能说服别人去呢？我父亲同意米女士的决定，说我母亲该去。
Any woman who was pregnant, therefore, was virtually bound to be a member of the elite. And if they did not go, how could the Party hope to persuade other people to go?
My father agreed with her, and told my mother she ought to go.
My mother accepted this, in spite of her fears of another miscarriage. She was prepared to die, but she had hoped that my father would be against her going and would say so; that way she would have felt he put her safety first.
母亲本意也是要去。她虽担心流产，担心孩子，但她准备去赴死。她只是希望我父亲能反对她去，或替她说话，把她和孩子的安危放在首位，但她再次失望了，她丈夫放在首位的是革命事业。
But she could see that my father's first loyalty was to the revolution, and she was bitterly disappointed.
She spent several painful and exhausting weeks traipsing around the hills and mountains. The skirmishes were intensifying. Almost every day came news of members of other teams being tortured and murdered by bandits. They were particularly sadistic to women. One day the corpse of one of my father's nieces was dumped just outside the city gate: she had been raped and knifed, and her vagina was a bloody mess. Another young woman was caught by the Broadsword Brigade during a skirmish. They were surrounded by armed Communists, so they tied the woman up and told her to shout out to her comrades to let them escape. Instead she shouted, "Go ahead, don't worry about me!" Every time she called out one of the bandits cut a hunk out of her flesh with a knife. She died horribly mutilated. After several such incidents, it was decided that women would not be sent on food-collecting expeditions anymore.
接连几个星期又是翻山越岭和与土匪作战，几乎每天都传来征粮队员遭土匪折磨、杀害的消息。土匪特别会残害女人，一天，父亲一个侄女的尸体被抛到宜宾城门外，她被强奸后杀害，下身用刀戳得血肉模糊。在一次战斗中，一名年轻女子被大刀队捉住，这股大刀队又被共产党的武装部队包围。于是他们把她捆了起来，要她大声向她的同志们喊话，开个缺口让大刀队逃走。但她却大声喊：“向前冲，不要管我！”她每喊一声。大刀队的就用刀割下她身上一块肉，她就这样被凌迟至死。发生好几次如此事件后，共产党决定：女人一律不准参加武装征粮队。
* * *
Meanwhile, in Jinzhou my grandmother had been worrying constantly about her daughter. As soon as she got a letter from her saying she had arrived in Yibin, she decided to go and make sure she was all right. In March 195o she set off on her own long march across China, alone.
与此同时，在锦州的姥姥挂念着我母亲的安危，一收到女儿到达宜宾的信，就决定到四川去看她。1950年3月，她独自出发，跨过大半个中国，就算是她的“长征”吧！
She knew nothing about the rest of the huge country, and imagined that Sichuan was not only mountainous and cut off, but also lacking in the daily necessities of life. Her first instinct was to take a large supply of basic goods with her. But the country was still in a state of upheaval, and fighting was still going on along her intended route; she realized she was going to have to carry her own luggage, and probably walk a good deal of the way, which was extremely difficult on bound feet. In the end she set fled on one small bundle, which she could carry herself.
她对中国的其他地方一无所知，想象中的四川不仅山高水远，而且人烟稀少，缺乏日常生活用品。她第一个直觉是为我母亲带上大量的食物，但拿来拿去又发觉拿不了。国家仍处在动乱当中，一路上战况时会发生，她不光得自己拿行李，还得要步行很长的路程，这些对她的小脚是太难了。最后，她只带了一个小包裹。
Her feet had grown bigger since she had married Dr. Xia. By tradition, the Manchus did not practice foot binding so my grandmother had taken off the binding cloths and her feet gradually grew a little. This process was almost as painful as the original binding. The broken bones could not mend, of course, so the feet did not go back to their original shape, but remained crippled and shrunken. My grandmother wanted her feet to look normal, so she used to stuff cotton wool into her shoes.
我姥姥的小脚自嫁给夏医生后就放了，因为满人的习俗是不裹脚。放开裹脚布的过程几乎和裹脚一样痛苦，折断的骨头再也不能长全，脚也不能恢复自然的形状，依然卷缩成一团。我姥姥为了使她的脚看上去和天足差不多，就在鞋里塞了许多棉花。
Before she left, Lin Xiao-xia, the man who had brought her to my parents' wedding, gave her a document which said she was the mother of a revolutionary; with this, Party organizations along the way would provide her with food, accommodations, and money. She followed almost the same route as my parents, taking the train part of the way, sometimes traveling in trucks, and walking when there was no other transportation. Once she was on an open truck with some women and children who all belonged to families of Communists. The truck stopped for some of the children to have a pee. The moment it did so bullets ripped into the wooden planks around the side. My grandmother hunkered down in the back while bullets zinged by inches above her head. The guards fired back with machine guns and managed to silence the attackers, who turned out to be Kuomintang stragglers. My grandmother emerged unscathed, but several of the children and some of the guards were killed.
出发前，林肖侠——那位要我姥姥参加我父母婚礼的领导，给她开了一张路条，说明她是“革命者”的母亲，这样沿途的共产党就会提供食宿和交通工具。她沿着和我父母大致相同的路钱从东北到西南行程几千里，有时乘闷罐火车，有时乘无篷卡车，没有交通工具时就步行。有次她跟一些别的共产党妻儿们一起搭无蓬卡车行进。半路，孩子们要撒尿，卡车就在路边停了下来，忽然四周响起枪声，子弹打到卡车箱板上，顿时，孩子哭声混和着枪声乱成一片。我姥姥贴着车箱趴着，子弹在她头上呼啸而过、护送的共产党士兵用机关抢还击，打退了偷袭者，这是些国民党的散兵游勇，他们也采取“游击战术”，一哄而起，打了就跑。我姥姥没受伤，但有几个小孩和一些战士被打死了。
When she got to Wuhan, a big city in central China, which was about two-thirds of the way, she was told that the next stretch, by boat up the Yangtze, was unsafe because of bandits. She had to wait a month until things quieted down even so, her ship was attacked several times from the shore. The boat, which was rather ancient, had a flat, open deck, so the guards built a wall of sandbags about four feet high down both sides of it, with slits for their guns. It looked like a floating fortress. Whenever it was fired on, the captain would put it on full steam ahead and try to race through the fusillade, while the guards shot back from behind their sandbagged embrasures. My grandmother would go below decks and wait until the shooting was over.
到达华中重镇武汉时，差不多完成了三分之二的路程。由于沿长江而上的水路不安全，她不得不在武汉等了一个月，直到局势稍为稳定才又上路。即使这样，她乘的船也多次遭到岸上火力的袭击。甲板两侧用沙袋筑成的四尺高的工事，整条船看上去像一座漂浮的碉堡。遭袭击时，船就全速前进，尽快离开枪击区，警卫则从掩体后还击。我姥姥和其他女人小孩都躲在底舱，一动不动，直到射击声停止。
She changed to a smaller boat at Yichang and passed through the Yangtze Gorges, and by May she was near Yibin, sitting in a boat covered with palm fronds, sailing quietly among crystal-clear ripples, the breeze scented with orange blossom.
过了宜昌后，她换上一条较小的轮船过长江三峡。到了5月，接近宜宾时，又乘上了一条盖有棕榈树叶的棚船。两岸青山翠竹，倒影在清澈见底的江水中，风里带着柚子花香，姥姥开始见识到了“天府之国”。
The boat was rowed upstream by a dozen oarsmen. As they rowed they sang traditional Sichuan opera arias and improvised songs about the names of the villages they were passing, the legends of the hills, and the spirits of the bamboo groves. They sang about their moods too. My grandmother was most amused by the flirtatious songs they sang to one of the female passengers, with a twinkle in their eye. She could not understand most of the expressions they used, because they were in Sichuan dialect, but she could tell they were sexually suggestive by the way the passengers gave out low laughs betraying both pleasure and embarrassment. She had heard about the Sichuan character, which was supposed to be as saucy and spicy as the food. My grandmother was in a happy mood. She did not know that my mother had had several close shaves with death, nor had my mother said anything about her miscarriage.
这条木船由十二个人划梁。他们高声唱着川江号子，内容随心所欲。有经过的山水村庄的传说，竹林精灵的神话，也有自己的触景生情。我姥姥最觉好笑的是他们对一个女乘客挤眉弄眼地唱情歌，所唱的是四川方言，姥姥完全听不懂，但却能透过乘客们发出的阵阵高兴又窘迫的笑声，明白歌词的俏皮。姥姥听说过一些四川人的“吊膀子”，像川菜那样其味无穷。她觉得挺开心，当然，她并不知道我母亲已有好几次从鬼门关里被拉回来，母亲也从没在信上提过流产的事。
It was mid-May when she arrived. The journey had taken over two months. My mother, who had been feeling sick and miserable, was ecstatic at seeing her again. My father was not so pleased. Yibin was the first time he had been alone with my mother in an even semi-stable situation. He had only just gotten away from his mother-inlaw, and now here she was again, when he had hoped she was a thousand miles away. He was well aware that he was no match for the bonds between mother and daughter.
姥姥到宜宾时已是5月中旬，一路走了两个多月，母亲正整天恶心呕吐，情绪低落，再见到她母亲当然喜出望外。父亲可不怎么高兴，他好不容易摆脱了岳母而第一次和妻子单独相处，现在岳母却又远从千里之外自天而降。他很清楚，母女关系的亲密不是他这个作丈夫所能比的。
My mother was seething with resentment against my father. Since the bandit threat had become more acute, the quasi-military life-style had been reinstated. And because they were both away so much, my mother rarely spent the night with my father. He was traveling around the country most of the time, investigating conditions in the rural areas, hearing the peasants' complaints, and dealing with every kind of problem, particularly ensuring the food supply. Even when he was in Yibin, my father would work late at the office. My parents were seeing less and less of each other, and were drifting apart again.
母亲此时对父亲有一肚子的怨气。随着土匪威胁日增，军事化的生活方式又恢复了。他们都一天到晚在外奔走，很少在一起过夜。父亲总是在乡下，收集农民的意见，调查农村情况，解决各种问题，特别是保障粮食供应。就是在宜宾，他也常通宵在办公室工作。我父母越来越少碰面，无从沟通，姥姥的到来又添了新的波折。
The arrival of my grandmother reopened old wounds.
She was allotted a room in the courtyard where my parents were living. At the time, all officials were living on a comprehensive allowance system called gong-ji-zhi. They received no salary, but the state provided them with housing, food, clothing, and daily necessities, plus a tiny amount of pocket money as in an army. Everyone had to eat in canteens, where the food was meager and unappetizing.
姥姥被安置在我父母居住的县委大院里的一间屋子暂住。那时，共产党政府的工作人员都是“供给制”，没有工资，由政府供给他们住房、食物、衣服和日用品，外加少量零花钱，就像军队一样。大家在食堂吃饭，饭菜很差，有一条不成文的规定是不准在家开伙，即便自己有钱也不行。
You were not allowed to cook at home, even if you had cash from some other source.
When my grandmother arrived she started selling some of her jewelry to buy food in the market; she was especially keen to cook for my mother because it was traditionally thought vital for pregnant women to eat well. But soon complaints started pouring in via Mrs. Mi about my mother being 'bourgeois' getting privileged treatment and using up precious fuel which, like food, had to be collected from the countryside. She was also criticized for being 'pampered'; having her mother there was bad for her reeducation. My father made a self-criticism to his Party organization and ordered my grandmother to stop cooking at home. My mother resented this, and so did my grandmother.
姥姥来后，把一些珠宝卖给国家银行，得到钱就到市场上去买肉类、蔬菜，为我母亲补身体，传统认为孕妇要有足够的营养。不料很快召来了一大堆批评意见，米女士的意见最多。她说我母亲是“资产阶级特殊化”，浪费了宝贵的燃料，当时柴火供应极匮乏，得像征粮一样到农村去收购，我母亲被说成是“娇小姐，离不开娘，不像个党员，不像国家干部。”我父亲在党组织会议上做出检讨，并要我姥姥停止在家做饭。我母亲动了气，“你难道不能容忍我只特殊这一次吗？我又不是自己贪嘴，我是为了孩子，我怀的这个孩子是我的，也是你的！”最后我父亲让了步：姥姥可以一星期烧两次饭，但不能超过。我父亲补充说：“这样做已是不对了。”
"Can't you stand up for me just once?" my mother said bitterly.
"The baby I am carrying is yours as well as mine, and it needs nourishment!" Eventually my father conceded a little: my grandmother could cook at home twice a week, but no more. Even this was breaking the rules, he said.
It turned out that my grandmother was breaking a more important rule. Only officials of a certain rank were entitled to have their parents staying with them, and my mother did not qualify. Because officials did not receive salaries, the state was responsible for looking after their dependants, and wanted to keep the numbers down. Even though my father was senior enough, he let his own mother continue to be supported by Aunt Jun-ying. My mother pointed out that her mother would not be a burden on the state, because she had enough jewelry to support herself, and she had been invited to stay with Aunt Jun-ying. Mrs. Mi said my grandmother should not be there at all and would have to go back to Manchuria. My father agreed.
我姥姥的到来还触犯了更重要的规定。在“供给制”下，共产党政府努力控制供给人员数量。按规定，只有一定级别的干部才有权接父母同住。父亲级别够了，但他为了给政府减轻负担，让自己的母亲继续由俊英娘娘赡养。母亲呢，却不够级别。我母亲说她母亲不需要政府供养。她自己有珠宝可维持生活，同时，张家妇女也邀请我姥姥搬去同住。米女士的答复不容商量：按规定探亲者只能住一个月，期满后我姥姥必须回东北。我父亲也同意了。
My mother argued vehemently with him, but he said that a rule was a rule and he would not fight to have it bent. In old China one of the major vices was that anyone with power was above the rules, and an important component of the Communist revolution was that officials, like everyone else, should be subject to rules. My mother was in tears. She was afraid of having another miscarriage.
母亲拼命想说服父亲，可是他说制度就是制度，他没有权力也不能够改变它。旧中国糟就糟在有权的人凌驾于法规之上，而共产党革命最重要的一点就是让当官的跟老百姓一样服从规定。他还说：“腐败从小事开始，缺口一开，慢慢地，我们的革命就完了。”母亲伤心地恳求道，她害怕再一次流产，能不能让她母亲呆到孩子出世以后再走？但我父亲仍不同意，我母亲找不到任何理由说服他了，她愤愤地想：“他对我没有感情，完全不考虑我和孩子的死活，他不爱我。”
Perhaps my father could consider her safety and let her mother stay until the birth? Still he said no.
"Corruption always starts with little things like this. This is the sort of thing that will erode our revolution." My mother could not find any argument to win him over. He has no feelings, she thought. He does not put my interests first. He does not love me.
My grandmother had to go, and my mother was never to forgive my father for this. My grandmother had been with her daughter for little more than a month, having spent over two months traveling across China, at the risk of her life. She was afraid my mother might have another miscarriage, and she did not trust the medical services in Yibin. Before she left she went to see my aunt Jun-ying and solemnly kowtowed to her, saying she was leaving my mother in her care. My aunt was sad, too. She was worried about my mother, and wanted my grandmother to be there for the birth. She went to plead with her brother, but he would not budge.
姥姥不得不走。她冒着生命危险，跨过大半个中国，走了两个多月，只在我母亲身边呆了一个多月。她怕我母亲流产，也不相信宜宾的医院和医生。临行前，她去看俊英娘娘，郑重地跪在地上给她磕了个头，说把女儿托付给她了。俊英娘娘也很悲伤，希望姥姥能呆到孩子出世再走。她竭力劝说我父亲，但他不为所动。
With a heavy heart, and amid bitter tears, my grandmother hobbled down to the quay with my mother to take the little boat back down the Yangtze on the start of the long and uncertain journey back to Manchuria. My mother stood on the riverbank, waving as the boat disappeared into the mist, and wondering if she would ever see her mother again.
我母亲怀着沉重的心情，流着泪，送我姥姥到码头。姥姥登上一条小船，又开始了她的漫长而危险的归程。我母亲站在江边向雾气蒙蒙中渐渐远去的小船挥手，不知道还能不能再见到母亲了。
It was July 1950. My mother's one-year provisional membership in the Party was due to end, and her Party cell was grilling her intensively. It had only three members: my mother, my father's bodyguard, and my mother's boss, Mrs. Mi. There were so few Party members in Yibin that these three had been thrown together rather incongruously. The other two, who were both full members, were leaning toward turning down my mother's application, but they did not give a straightforward no. They just kept grilling her and forcing her to make endless self-criticisms.
这是1950年7月，我母亲一年的共产党员预备期满了。她所属的党小组开始讨论她的转正问题。党小组有三个人：我母亲、我父亲的警卫员和我母亲的上司米女士。宜宾当时党员很少，米与警卫是正式党员，都不同意我母亲转正。
For each self-criticism, there were many criticisms. My mother's two comrades insisted that she had behaved in a 'bourgeois' manner. They said she had not wanted to go to the country to help collect food; when she pointed out that she had gone, in line with the Party's wishes, they retorted: "Ah, but you didn't really want to go." Then they accused her of having enjoyed privileged food cooked, moreover, by her mother at home and of succumbing to illness more than most pregnant women. Mrs. Mi also criticized her because her mother had made clothes for the baby.
对这两个来说，我母亲的表现样样都是“资产阶级”。他们说她不情愿参加工作队下乡征粮，我母亲说她去了。可是他们说：“但你心里是不情愿的呀？”硬要她交代“怕死不敢去”的思想，他们指责她享受特殊饮食，让她母亲专门在家为她烧饭，又爱生病，“从来没见过这么娇气的孕妇！”米女士还批评她让我姥姥给婴儿做衣服，说：“哪听说刚生的孩子就穿新衣服？！哪家工人、农民的孩子不是几岁了还光着屁股到处跑？！完全是资产阶级的浪费作风！为什么你就不能像我们在战争年代那样拿两件旧衣服给孩子裹一裹就算了？！”就连我母亲对我姥姥离开感到伤心也变成了“娇小姐，离不开娘”、“家庭观念重”的严重错误。
"Who ever heard of a baby wearing new clothes?" she said.
"Such a bourgeois waste!? Why can't she just wrap the baby up in old clothes like everyone else?" The fact that my mother had shown her sadness that my grandmother had to leave was singled out as definitive proof that she 'put family first," a serious offense.
The summer of 1950 was the hottest in living memory, with high humidity and temperatures above 100 F. My mother had been washing every day, and she was attacked for this, too. Peasants, especially in the North where Mrs. Mi came from, washed very rarely, because of the shortage of water. In the guerrillas, men and women used to compete to see who had the most 'revolutionary insects' (lice).
这年夏天，是多年来最热的一次，天气非常潮湿、闷热，温度高达37摄氏度以上。我母亲每天洗澡，米女士对此大加指责。北方的农民，由于缺水很少洗澡。在游击队里，虱子被称为：“革命虫”，男、女游击队员相互比赛谁的“革命虫”多，爱干净是属于资产阶级。
Cleanliness was regarded as un proletarian? When the steamy summer turned into cool autumn my father's bodyguard weighed in with a new accusation: my mother was 'behaving like a Kuomintang official's grand lady' because she had used my father's leftover hot water. At the time, in order to save fuel, there was a rule that only officials above a certain rank were entitled to wash with hot water.
当阴冷的秋天到来时，我父亲的警卫又多了一条意见，说我母亲表现得“像国民党官太太”，因为她用了我父亲洗脸剩下的热水。那时，为了节省柴火，只有一定级别的干部才有权用热水。我父亲够级别，但我母亲够不上。我父亲家里的妇女都曾多次告诫我母亲，临产前不要用冷水洗澡，以免留下后遗症。在警卫批评后，我父亲就再不允许我母亲用他的热水了。我母亲心里直冒火，为什么丈夫不站在她这一边反对这无休无止、莫名其妙的纠缠小事？
My father fell into this group, but my mother did not. She had been strongly advised by the women in my father's family not to touch cold water when she came near to delivery time. After the bodyguard's criticism, my father would not let my mother use his water. My mother felt like screaming at him for not taking her side against the endless intrusions into the most irrelevant recesses of her life.
The Party's all-around intrusion into people's lives was the very point of the process known as 'thought reform."
Mao wanted not only external discipline, but the total subjection of all thoughts, large or small. Every week a meeting for 'thought examination' was held for those 'in the revolution." Everyone had both to criticize themselves for incorrect thoughts and be subjected to the criticism of others.
管生活细节是“思想改造”的内容，共产党不仅要大家守纪律，而且所有的思想，无论大小都要统一。每个参加了革命的人每周都有至少一次生活会来检查思想。一边批判自己的“错误思想”，一边接受别人的批评。有些自以为是或心胸狭窄的人，把会议变成发泄私怨的场所。农民出身的人振振有词地在会上批评出身有钱的人。共产党革命是以农民为基础，因而受过教育者往往因自己出身富有而内疚，认为受批评和自我批评是理所当然的。
The meetings tended to be dominated by self-righteous and petty-minded people, who used them to vent their envy and frustration; people of peasant origin used them to attack those from 'bourgeois' backgrounds. The idea was that people should be reformed to be more like peasants, because the Communist revolution was in essence a peasant revolution. This process appealed to the guilt feelings of the educated; they had been living better than the peasants, and self-criticism tapped into this.
开会是共产党管理人民的手段。众多的会议留给人们很少自由的时间。会议上追究琐事、干预私生活，被认为是天经地义，理由是每个人都得洗涤灵魂的一切细微角落。我母亲的党小组开会批评她，一个星期又一个星期，一个月又一个月，要她做没完没了的“思想检查”。
Meetings were an important means of Communist control. They left people no free time, and eliminated the private sphere. The pettiness which dominated them was justified on the grounds that prying into personal details was a way of ensuring thorough soul-cleansing. In fact, pettiness was a fundamental characteristic of a revolution in which intrusiveness and ignorance were celebrated, and envy was incorporated into the system of control. My mother's cell grilled her week after week, month after month, forcing her to produce endless self-criticisms.
She had to consent to this agonizing process. Life for a revolutionary was meaningless if they were rejected by the Party. It was like excommunication for a Catholic. Besides, it was standard procedure. My father had gone through it and had accepted it as part of 'joining the revolution." In fact, he was still going through it. The Party had never hidden the fact that it was a painful process. He told my mother her anguish was normal.
我母亲得心甘情愿地接受这一切。对她来说，当不当共产党员比生命还重要，如果党拒绝了她，她的生命就失去意义了，就像一名狂热的教徒被革出教会。共产党从来不隐瞒“思想改造”是个痛苦过程。这样的过程革命者都得经历。我父亲在参加革命时已经历过，现在还在继续不断接受批评。我父亲根据自己的经历告诉我母亲，她的痛苦是正常的。
At the end of all this, my mother's two comrades voted against full Party membership for her. She fell into a deep depression. She had been devoted to the revolution, and could not accept the idea that it did not want her; it was particularly galling to think she might not get in for completely petty and irrelevant reasons, decided by two people whose way of thinking seemed light years away from what she had conceived the Party's ideology to be. She was being kept out of a progressive organization by backward people, and yet the revolution seemed to be telling her that it was she who was in the wrong. At the back of her mind was another, more practical point which she did not even spell out to herself: it was vital to get into the Party, because if she failed she would be stigmatized and ostracized.
最后，党小组的两人摊了牌：反对她转成正式党员。我母亲陷入极度绝望之中。她把自己献给革命，无法接受革命不要她了。使她特别愤怒的是：她尽是被一些琐碎的、文不对题的理由排斥在党外。这两个人的思想方式似乎与她想象中的共产党理想有十万八千里之遥，也就是说她被落后分子排斥在先进组织之外。然而，革命却告诉她，是她错了。在她内心深处还有别一点隐约的恐惧：如果真被拒绝转为正式党员就将在别人的歧视下过一辈子。
With these thoughts churning through her mind, my mother came to feel the world was against her. She dreaded seeing people and spent as much time as possible alone, crying to herself. Even this she had to conceal, as it would have been considered as showing lack of faith in the revolution. She found she could not blame the Party, which seemed to her to be in the right, so she blamed my father, first for making her pregnant and then for not standing by her when she was attacked and rejected. Many times she wandered along the quay, gazing down into the muddy waters of the Yangtze, and thought of committing suicide to punish him, picturing to herself how he would be filled with remorse when he found she had killed herself.
所有这些想法在我母亲脑海里翻来覆去，整个世界仿佛都在和她作对，她绝望地看待人生，大部分时间一人独处，黯然泪下。她既不能也不敢公开抱怨，这会被看作是对革命失去信心。她不能责备党，又找不出党错在哪里。于是她迁怒我父亲：让她怀了孕，又在她万难时不帮助她，连句安慰话也听不到。多少次她徘徊码头，凝视江水，想到自杀，借此惩罚我父亲，想象他在发现自己自杀后会有多悲伤。
The recommendation of her cell had to be approved by a higher authority, which consisted of three open-minded intellectuals. They thought my mother had been treated unfairly, but the Party rules made it difficult for them to overturn the recommendation of her cell. So they procrastinated. This was relatively easy because the three were seldom in one place at the same time. Like my father and the other male officials, they were usually away in different parts of the countryside foraging for food and fighting bandits.
党小组的意见必须经党支部同意并报上级批准。支部委员由三个思想十分开通的知识分子组成。他们认为党小组对待我母亲不公正，但根据共产党制度，他们很难推翻党小组的意见，所以他们迟迟不决地拖时间。这很容易办到，因为三人都在乡下征粮，很难聚到一块开会。
Knowing that Yibin was almost undefended, and driven to desperation by the fact that all their escape routes both to Taiwan and through Yunnan to Indochina and Burma had been cut, a sizable army of Kuomintang stragglers, landlords, and bandits laid siege to the city, and for a time it looked as though it was going to fall. My father raced back from the countryside as soon as he heard about the attack.
这一段时间宜宾城形势危急。一部分共产党驻军被调往外地，一部分参加武装征粮队分散在四乡，城内兵力空虚。反共武装部队因逃往台湾、印度半岛、缅甸的路被切断而感到绝望，只得背水一战，包围了宜宾城，结果战斗激烈，险些失守。我父亲一听到这个消息就立即从乡下带部队赶回来。
The fields started just outside the city walls and there was vegetation to within a few yards of the gates. Using this for cover, the attackers managed to get right up to the walls and began to pound the north gate with huge battering rams. In the vanguard was the Broadsword Brigade, consisting largely of unarmed peasants who had drunk 'holy water' which, they believed, made them immune to bullets. The Kuomintang soldiers were behind them. At first the Communist army commander tried to aim his fire at the Kuomintang, not at the peasants, whom he hoped to scare into retreating.
战斗紧贴城墙展开。冲在前面的是大刀队，说是喝了“圣水”，能刀枪不入。国民党士兵端着枪跑在后面。共产党部队的指挥官命令士后瞄准后面的国民党兵，放过前面的大刀队农民，希望把这些农民吓跑。
Even though my mother was seven months pregnant, she joined the other women in taking food and water to the defenders on the walls and carrying the wounded to the rear. Thanks to the training she had had at school, she was good at first aid. She was also brave. After about a week, the attackers abandoned the siege and the Communists counterattacked, mopping up virtually all armed resistance in the area for good.
尽管我母亲怀孕七个月了，她仍和其他女人一道为城墙上的士兵送水送饭，救护伤员。此刻，她在日本人学校受过的救护训练派上了用场，她又很勇敢。激烈的战斗持续了好几天，攻城者最后退走了。不久，宜宾地区的暴乱被平定。
* * *
Immediately after this, land reform started in the Yibin area. The Communists had passed an agrarian reform law that summer, which was the key to their program for transforming China. The basic concept, which they called 'the land returning home," was to redistribute all farmland, as well as draft animals and houses, so that every farmer owned a more or less equal amount of land. Landowners were to be allowed to keep a plot, on the same basis as everyone else. My father was one of the people running the program. My mother was excused from going to the villages because of her advanced pregnancy.
紧接着，土地改革展开了。共产党在那年夏天通过了一条新的土地改革法案，这是他们改造中国的关键步骤，叫作“土地还家”。他们重新分配所有的耕地、家畜和记主产，使每个农民拥有数量大致相同的土地，也允许地主保留和其他农民相等的田地。我父亲是宜宾地区土改主要领导人之一，我母亲因快生产了而未参加。
Yibin was a rich place. A local saying has it that with one year's work, peasants could live at ease for two. But decades of incessant warfare had devastated the land; on top of this had come heavy taxes to pay for the fighting and for the eight-year war against Japan. Depredations had escalated when Chiang Kai-shek moved his wartime capital to Sichuan, and corrupt officials and carpetbaggers had descended on the province. The last straw came when the Kuomintang made Sichuan their final redoubt in 1949 and levied exorbitant taxes just before the Communists arrived. All this, plus greedy landlords, had combined to produce appalling poverty in the rich province. Eighty percent of the peasants did not have enough to feed their families. If the crops failed, many were reduced to eating herbs and the leaves of sweet potatoes, which were normally fed to pigs. Starvation was widespread, and life expectancy was only about forty years. The poverty in such a rich land was one of the reasons my father had been attracted to communism in the first place.
宜宾原是一个富庶地区，当地有句俗话：“种一(年)吃三(年)。”但几十年的军阀混战使老百姓苦不堪言，后来抗战八年打日本，老百姓要缴纳重税。蒋介石把他的战时首都迁到四川后，更来了一大批贪官污吏和投机商人。1949年，国民党把四川当作在大陆的最后据点，在共产党到来前，又课征了一大笔税。再加上贪心的地主，这个富庶地区变得惊人的贫穷。百分之八十的农民有上顿没下顿，遇上灾年，得靠吃野菜和红薯叶为生，平均寿命只有四十岁。贫困是使我父亲早年被共产主义吸引的源因，现在，共产党又据此提出土改。
In Yibin the land reform drive was on the whole nonviolent, partly because the fiercer landlords had been involved in the rebellions during the first nine months of Communist rule and had already been killed in battle or executed. But there was some violence. In one case a Party member raped the female members of a landowner's family and then mutilated them by cutting off their breasts. My father ordered that the man be executed.
宜宾的土改大致是和平的。部分原因是比较凶狠的地主都参加了武装暴动，在战斗中被打死或后来被抓去处决了。但有的村子也发生了暴力事件，一次，一个共产党土改队员强奸了一个地主家庭的几个女人，然后割去她们的乳房，说是“坐地麻圈”，我父亲下令将此人枪毙。
One bandit gang had captured a young Communist, a university graduate, while he was out in the country looking for food. The bandit chief ordered him to be cut in half.
再早，一伙土匪抓住一个大学毕业生征粮队员。土匪首领下令把他劈成两半。后来，在土改时期，这个土匪头子被抓住，被害者的朋友是共产党土改队队长，把他活活打死。然后挖出心脏吃了，以示报仇。我父亲下令撤了这人的队长职务，开除党籍，但没有枪毙他，理由是他不是对无辜者施暴，而是对一个凶残的杀人犯。
The chief was later caught, and beaten to death by the Communist land reform team leader, who had been a friend of the man who had been killed. The team leader then cut out the chief's heart and ate it to demonstrate his revenge. My father ordered the team leader to be dismissed from his job, but not shot. He reasoned that while he had engaged in a form of brutality, it was not against an innocent person but a murderer, and a cruel one at that.
The land reform took over a year to complete. In the majority of cases, the worst the landlords suffered was the loss of most of their land and their homes. So-called open-minded landlords, those who had not joined the armed rebellion, or who had actually helped the Communist underground, were treated well. My parents had friends whose families were local landlords, and had been to dinner at their grand old houses before they were confiscated and divided up among the peasants.
土改花了一年时间才完成。大部分地主蒙受的损失是失去了大部分土地和房产。那些“开明地主”——没有参加武装暴动或私下帮助过共产党的人——则受到礼遇。我父母的一些朋友就是来自当地的地主家庭，我父亲曾应邀到他们的深宅大院作客。当然，这些宅院不久就被农民均分了，只有一小部分属于他们。
My father was completely wrapped up in his work, and was not in town when my mother gave birth to her first child, a girl, on 8 November. Because Dr. Xia had given my mother the name De-hong, which incorporates the character for 'wild swan' (Hong) with a generation name (De), my father named my sister Xiao-hong, which means 'to be like' (Xiao) my mother. Seven days after my sister's birth Aunt Jun-ying had my mother brought home from the hospital to the Chang house on a bamboo litter carried by two men. When my father got back a few weeks later, he said to my mother that, as a Communist, she should not have allowed herself to be carried by other human beings.
当父亲完全投入工作时，母亲于11月8日生下了他们的第一个孩子——一个女孩。父亲当时不在城里，但他已替姐姐取名为肖(呢称小)鸿，意思是要她像我母亲(德鸿)。姐姐出生七天后，俊英娘娘雇了一个滑杆把母亲从医院抬到张家大院。我父亲得知后批评我母亲：一个共产党员不该坐滑杆让别人抬。
She said she had done it because, according to traditional wisdom, women were not supposed to walk for a while after a birth. To this my father replied: what about the peasant women who have to carry on working in the fields immediately after they give birth?
我母亲解释说，这是有传统根据的，产妇不该下床走路。我父亲反问她：“农村妇女生产后，怎么就能下地干活了呢？”
My mother was still in a deep depression, uncertain whether she could stay in the Party or not. Unable to let her rage out on my father or the Party, she blamed her baby daughter for her misery. Four days after they came out of the hospital, my sister cried all through the night.
我母亲心里是说不出的郁闷。她转为正式党员问题迟迟未决，姥姥来了又走。她没法跟我父亲吵，又没法对党发火，就把气发到婴儿身上。出院后的第四天，我姐整夜啼夜不止。
My mother was at the end of her tether, and screamed at her and smacked her quite hard. Aunt Jun-ying, who was sleeping in the next room, rushed in and said: "You're exhausted. Let me look after her." From then on my aunt looked after my sister. When my mother went back to her own place a few weeks later my sister stayed on with Aunt Jun-ying in the family house.
我母亲心焦透了，打了她。住在隔壁房间的俊英娘娘跑了过来说：“你太累了，把孩子交给我吧！”从此以后，娘娘就照看我姐姐了。几星期后，我母亲回去工作，姐姐仍由俊英娘娘抚养。
To this day my mother remembers with grief and remorse the night she hit my sister. When my mother went to see her, Xiao-hong used to hide, and in a tragic reversal of what had happened to her as a young child at General Xue's mansion my mother would not allow Xiao-hong to call her "Mother."
有好长一段时间，我母亲都觉得我姐姐是个“包袱”。别的孩子咿呀学语的第一句话是“妈妈”，可是她不准小鸿喊她“妈”。当我姐姐会走路时，一发现母亲来看她，就会马上躲起来。直到今天，我母亲仍带着内疚和悔恨记起她当年是如何对待我姐姐的。
My aunt found a wet-nurse for my sister. Under the allowance system the state paid for a wet-nurse for every newborn baby in an official's family, and also provided free physical checkups for the wet-nurses, who were treated as state employees. They were not servants, and did not even have to wash diapers. The state could afford to pay for them since, according to the Party's rules governing people 'in the revolution," the only ones who were allowed to marry were senior officials, and they produced relatively few babies.
俊英娘娘为我姐姐请了个奶妈。“供给制”规定政府为干部家庭的每个婴儿付奶妈费用。奶妈被当作国家公职人员对待，提供免费的身体检查。她们不是仆人，甚至不洗尿布。当时请奶妈对政府还不是沉重负担，因为那些获准结婚的都是相当高级的干部，孩子很少。
The wet-nurse was in her late teens, and her own baby had been stillborn. She had married into a landlord family who had now lost their income from the land. She did not want to work as a peasant, but wanted to be with her husband, who taught and lived in Yibin City. Through mutual friends she was put in touch with my aunt and went to live in the Chang family house with her husband.
我姐姐的奶妈年近二十岁，她自己的孩子在产后死亡，奶水很多。她丈夫在宜宾城内教书，她本来住在乡下照顾公婆。丈夫家是地主，土改被分了土地，需自食其力，她又种不好地，就搬到里和丈夫同住。通过朋友介绍，她结识了俊英娘娘，现在与她丈夫一起住进张家大院。
Gradually my mother began to pull out of her depression. After the birth she was allowed thirty days' statutory leave, which she spent with her mother-in-law and Aunt Jun-ying. When she went back to work she moved to a new job in the Communist Youth League of Yibin City, in connection with a complete reorganization of the region.
母亲生了孩子，有三十天产假。她在张家大院里和慈祥的婆婆、温和体贴的俊英娘娘一起度过一段愉快时光，心情渐渐恢复平静。满月后，她有了新工作：到宜宾市共青团任职，这是宜宾地区重新划区的结果，宜宾是个专区，有七千五百平方里面积，人口超过二百万，分九县一市(宜宾市)。
The region of Yibin, covering an area of about 7,500 square miles and with a population of over two million, was redivided into nine rural counties and one city, Yibin.
My father became a member of the four-man committee which governed the whole of the region and the head of the Depa~iment of Public Affairs for the region.
我父亲被任命为专区四人领导委员会委员，兼专区宣传部部长。
This reorganization transferred Mrs. Mi and brought my mother a new boss: the head of the Department of Public Affairs for the city of Yibin, which controlled the Youth League. In Communist China, in spite of the formal rules, the personality of one's immediate boss was far more important than in the West. The boss's attitude is the Party's. Having a nice boss makes all the difference to one's life.
这次重新划区也使我母亲的上司换了一位新人，她是宜宾宣传部部长，管共青团。在共产党中国，尽管有规章制度，但所属的直接领导的秉性比起西方来远为重要，直接上司的态度就代表党，所以好领导会使一个人的生活发生根本变化。
My mother's new chief was a woman called Zhang Xiting. She and her husband had been in an army unit which was part of the force earmarked to take Tibet in 1950.
我母亲的新领导叫张西挺。她和丈夫都是1950年进驻西藏的共产党军队军官。
Sichuan was the staging post for Tibet, which was considered the back of beyond by Han Chinese. The couple had asked to be discharged and were sent to Yibin instead.
四川是入藏的必经之地，汉人普遍不愿进西藏工作，觉得那是片蛮荒之地。他夫妇俩找了个借口，退伍来宜宾工作。
Her husband was called Liu Jie-ting. He had changed his name to Jie-ting ("Linked to Ting') to show how much he admired his wife. The couple became known as 'the two Tings."
她的丈夫姓刘，自取名为“结挺”。表示他极爱妻子，这对夫妇后来以“二挺”闻名。
In the spring my mother was promoted to head of the Youth League, an important job for a woman not yet twenty. She had recovered her equilibrium and much of her old bounce. It was in this atmosphere that I was conceived, in June 1951.
到了春天，我母亲被提拔宜宾市共青团团委书记。这是个重要职务，而她当时还不满二十岁。我母亲恢复了往日的活跃和平静心态，就是在这种气氛里，她怀了我，这是1951年6月。